Devastated 6 months on - family fallout

[magictorch]

I am still devastated over an incident at a family party 6 months on and could do with some help or advice to help me stop obsessing and try and move on. Thank you. OK, long story so settle in...

At the event, there ended up being a fisticuffs falling out between DH and his brother and it appears we’ve been cut off from that side of the family. DH says his brother is dead to him and BIL called me a shit mum and some other unpleasant things, so that’s that.

Basically, I was pretty merry and in high spirits (I took a stumble over a balloon on the dance floor) but at about midnight I sat down and dropped off asleep in the corner. This offended BIL, who found DH outside having a fag with his cousin (he was also merry, not pissed, we had DS with us) told him to sort his ‘pissed up c*nt’ wife and that I was a shit mum and he was a crap dad. DH reacted to this and fisticuffs ensued.

DS was inside playing with other kids and with family so enjoying himself and was not neglected at any time. We were dancing to baby shark together! BIL & SIL then refused to let DS come home with us as we are ‘unfit parents’ and forcibly took him away, sobbing. We were a two minute walk from home. Put it this way, I was sober enough to remove make up, earrings, have a water etc when I got home and didn’t have a hangover the next day, so you know, I was clearly wasted 🤔. I asked around the next day in case my memory is shot and I’d vomited onto the buffet table or something (!) and everyone says I was just being a bit funny (as in ha ha) on the dancefloor before having a snooze. Am utterly devastated even after all this time.

I am a massive introvert, loathe confrontation and have loved his family like my own blood for 25 years. My anxiety is through the roof. I am having panic attacks at the thought of bumping into them at the shops etc.

I do accept I was probably more tipsy than I should’ve been - had been running around all day and not had time to eat much, and the fatigue from an auto immune condition I have really battered me, but all I’d had was a shared bottle of Prosecco with one of DH’s cousins 😔

And now I have caused a massive family rift. I’m such a fuck up.

It was my birthday this week and not that I expected anything, but not even a text from my niece or nephew has really, really hurt.

Tellingly, given BIL & SIL were so concerned about DS they have made no contact to even ask after him in the six months since.

DH is completely on our side and wants nothing more to do with any of them.

Please help. With birthdays and Christmas coming up it just feels so raw still. Despite it all, I miss them, but can’t see a way forward.

They’re the cunts not you.

Sounds like they have form. Leave them to it,

Oops my bad, apologies OP, I couldn't read

If his family are batshit enough to fall out over this one incident than I think you're best out of it. It's hard to adjust to I know, but do you really want to be friendly with someone who calls you a cunt?

So they profess to love your son soooooo much that they won't let him leave with parents they believe to be drunk and unfit to parent...

...yet they've never checked up on him or you again since? What if you really were a pair of boozed up lushes? They'd have left a vulnerable 8 year old without a support network? With parents who may become incapable at the drop of a hat?

They don't sound like very nice people, OP.

To be honest even if my sister and bil were too drunk to look after my nephew I’d calmly take my nephew home and talk to them about it the next day. I wouldn’t make a scene and get into a fight which leads me to think that he was either also “a bit Merry” or is just a dick.
I know it’s hard but I think you just have to cut your losses with them and accept that they’ve made their decision.

BIL caused the rift by hitting your DH. He could of come up to him and simply told him that you were asleep and that he needed to go in.

but it wasn’t 5 minutes that you weren’t watching him. You nodded off & dad was outside.

The other family members may be getting drunk thinking they don’t have Responsibility of your son, but you’re assuming that someone at The party can & should watch out for him while you guys have disappeared.

Your kid is your responsibility not anybody else’s. It sounds like the party was going well, people get distracted easily. One of you should probably have eased on the drinking to ensure you were alert enough to keep an eye on your kid.

You also use minimising terms, you weren’t drink you were “merry” etc. you don’t need to be throwing up to be drunk. I suspect there is a history of getting merry & bit too relaxed around the kids....

They called you shit parents, refused to give you your child & you left without your kid! It’s weird if you weren’t drunk as you say, that you left your child there upset at being taken from his parents.

There must be more to the story for this to have happened the way you say it did.

Here's the thing @magictorch - you were tipsy and very tired. You did nothing wrong. Your DH was having a cigarette and your DS was safe and well looked after. Your DH did nothing wrong.

However your BIL and SIL, who have form for falling out with people, decided to call you a disgusting name and tell everyone that you're a bad mother.

And you are upset by this, naturally

But why continue to be upset by two horrible people who chose you, on that night, to slag off? It could have been anyone but on that night they chose you.

Why continue to give such nasty people head space?

When someone shows you who they are - believe them - the first time.

You don't need people like that in your life nor do you need them in your head.

They are toxic. Get rid.

Did they actually take your DS home to theirs?! I'd have made that a police matter tbh.

You haven't caused the rift, OP. Your BIL has done that by calling you a cunt and punching your DH twice. He sounds a thoroughly nasty piece of work and I wouldn't be mourning the loss of contact with him. It's sad for DS to lose access to his cousins, but he's rapidly reaching an age where he'll be able to keep in touch with them independently.

I just can’t imagine not being very drunk, having been assaulted and then allowing the person who assaulted me to take my son away for the night.

I agree that from their perspective, there’s obviously more to this. You don’t go from having a close relationship with someone to calling them a cunt and cutting them out of your life. There must have been lots of other things a long the way and that night was the straw that broke the camels back.

Ok well given the updates re: chronic fatigue and them knowing about it then I think they have just decided that its your turn to be excluded. Not much you can do about it really.

I would not want any relationship with someone who has restrained my son so that he couldn't come with me. That part I do not understand--when did you get him back?!

Actually do they understand chronic fatigue or do they think youre making it up?

Your BIL and SIL sound thick and abusive and although it might hurt at the moment, it does sound like you are better off without them.

Hitting your husband and calling you nasty names? And for what? Because you had a sleep and he had a cigarette? Nonsensical.

What do the rest of the family make of it?
And do not call yourself a fuck up. The only thing you have fucked up is thinking that these people are worth caring about.

So you were passed out pissed and your DH was having a physical fight with his brother? All at a party your child was at? Not great that is it??

There’s more to this then you are saying. I’m not convinced this was a one off bad night for them to totally cut you off.

agreed

If there isn't more to this story then I think you are much better off without them in your livesbecause they must be nuts.
Howevr if there is more to this story and they were truly concerned for your ds because his parents were in no fit state to care for him , again, then you must take steps to control your drinking.

The rest of the family think they’re off their rockers, completely overreacting.

I didn’t go mad at them taking DS as I didn’t want to make even more of a scene or scare him and I said to him he was going to have a sleepover. I picked him up first thing the next morning.

There hasn’t been anything like this before.
We have never fallen out with them or anyone else before.

Normally I drive, so don’t drink - we walked this time as so close to home.

I just can’t understand why they’d cut DS off too.

I’m not asking anyone to condone the fact that DH & I had a couple of drinks - he had had 2/3 pints.

If BIL had just gone out and said to him to come back in that would have been a different matter - but his first reaction was vile insults and fists.

Ok. You and dh acted woegectly acceptably.

They are violent, nasty and 'off their rockers'.

Why do you want then in your sons life?

My bet is that they've been nursing some grudge or other for years and got their opportunity to reveal it. Okay so maybe falling asleep isn't great but you do have CFS and it's hardly crime of the century.

I'd leave this one and move on. Glad you have the support of the wider family.

2 or 3 pints is fine. I would be very wary of opening up a relationship with these people again. It must have been an unsettling incident for your son.

How on earth did the conversation go the next morning when you picked him up? Did they talk to you at all? You must have tried to get to the bottom of it then?

You are upset and you miss them then there is only one thing to do..pick up the bloody phone and clear the air like adults. Apologise whether you mean it or not and be willing to accept their apology too then see of you can reconsile and move on. Otherwise leave it alone,No one ,either them or you and your dh covered yourselves in glory that night so you have the option of making the first move and sorting out the ill feeling or just leaving it, I would pick up the phone and see what reception you get and see of you can or they are willing to get the family back on track.Atleast then you will know for sure and can move on either with them or without them...Go on OP make the call ....

You've said a few times that you only had half a bottle of prosecco etc. And dh only had a few pints.

However it doesn't matter how much you had, everyone is affected differently and you can't expect other folk to know you arent drunk... esp when you have an illness that makes it MUCH easier to get incapacitated by alcohol.

If you're tripping on the dancefloor,
Falling asleep at a table,
And then your dh goes outside for a fag...
And it turns out no one is looking after your child for a few mins there...

Then I'm sorry but you can't say "I only had x to drink" as if that makes it ok.

It may have appeared VERY bad to others.

Mix in BIL who may not have the best conflict resolution skills and yeah, you have a shit outcome.

I don't agree that either you were in the wrong or BIL was. It sounds like poor behavior both sides mixed in with poor communication and very poor emotional control.

Sometimes things like this happen op. Its partly your fault, partly other people's fault... your BIL clearly wouldn't have the humility to apologise so if you want to reconcile, I'd write an apology letter that outlines YOUR mistakes and be prepared to take the blame etc.

If it were me I'd be very unlikely to bother with them again... but only you can make that decision.

We’ve all done it so give yourself a break. If this was my sister in law, we’d sort her out getting her home. Make sure she had her handbag etc, quietly take their kids back to ours and do it all with humour with texts the next day with a bit of ribbing over the inevitable “hangover”. That’s what family/friends do. You sort each other out. Clean up the vomit etc then when you have a “moment” they do it back for you. Family have each other’s backs or what’s the bloody point in it all? So yeah you made a fool of yourself. I once had too much gin and did cartwheels in a neighbours garden at a family event. Thus shit happens especially when you don’t get out much and you need to blow off steam. Do you know what happened after my cartwheeling? Nothing. Nobody went mental at me. They picked me up and put me to bed (with water at the side) and then for the next 20 years they refer to it with a wink at any other events “will we see some cartwheels tonight then” their reaction is bizarre, weird, mountain out of molehill, abusive and not ok.

Sounds classy! I don't believe for a second you only had a few glasses of prosecco! Even so, they all sound quite rough and violent!