Devastated 6 months on - family fallout

[magictorch]

I am still devastated over an incident at a family party 6 months on and could do with some help or advice to help me stop obsessing and try and move on. Thank you. OK, long story so settle in...

At the event, there ended up being a fisticuffs falling out between DH and his brother and it appears we’ve been cut off from that side of the family. DH says his brother is dead to him and BIL called me a shit mum and some other unpleasant things, so that’s that.

Basically, I was pretty merry and in high spirits (I took a stumble over a balloon on the dance floor) but at about midnight I sat down and dropped off asleep in the corner. This offended BIL, who found DH outside having a fag with his cousin (he was also merry, not pissed, we had DS with us) told him to sort his ‘pissed up c*nt’ wife and that I was a shit mum and he was a crap dad. DH reacted to this and fisticuffs ensued.

DS was inside playing with other kids and with family so enjoying himself and was not neglected at any time. We were dancing to baby shark together! BIL & SIL then refused to let DS come home with us as we are ‘unfit parents’ and forcibly took him away, sobbing. We were a two minute walk from home. Put it this way, I was sober enough to remove make up, earrings, have a water etc when I got home and didn’t have a hangover the next day, so you know, I was clearly wasted 🤔. I asked around the next day in case my memory is shot and I’d vomited onto the buffet table or something (!) and everyone says I was just being a bit funny (as in ha ha) on the dancefloor before having a snooze. Am utterly devastated even after all this time.

I am a massive introvert, loathe confrontation and have loved his family like my own blood for 25 years. My anxiety is through the roof. I am having panic attacks at the thought of bumping into them at the shops etc.

I do accept I was probably more tipsy than I should’ve been - had been running around all day and not had time to eat much, and the fatigue from an auto immune condition I have really battered me, but all I’d had was a shared bottle of Prosecco with one of DH’s cousins 😔

And now I have caused a massive family rift. I’m such a fuck up.

It was my birthday this week and not that I expected anything, but not even a text from my niece or nephew has really, really hurt.

Tellingly, given BIL & SIL were so concerned about DS they have made no contact to even ask after him in the six months since.

DH is completely on our side and wants nothing more to do with any of them.

Please help. With birthdays and Christmas coming up it just feels so raw still. Despite it all, I miss them, but can’t see a way forward.

There’s a type who pick fights, fall out with everyone and think they can call people cunts.

This isn’t about you it’s about them. And no amount of apologising or eating humble pie will help.

MissLadyM
"Sounds classy!........they all sound quite rough and violent."

My thoughts too.

3 possibilities:

1. You and DH are in denial about what actually happened and how much you had drunk
2. They have always secretly disliked you and used this opportunity to let it show
3. They are completely unhinged

Umm I agree with pp, I still don't understand why you'd let someone who had just punched your husband and called you a cunt to take your child away!!! I wouldn't care if it was family or not there is no way I would let my child stay with someone that had shown such levels of aggression.

At the time they took DS home, I had no idea that there had been a physical altercation or that I had been called a cunt.

I found that out the next day after picking DS up, and yes that was an ‘interesting’ conversation as you can imagine. I was nothing other than polite.

If I had known that BIL had shown aggression the night before, there is no way in hell I’d have allowed him to go with them.

Sorry, wasn’t clear earlier.

Anyway it’s all horrible. I know no one comes out of this smelling of roses, I just wish things were different.

You said they forcibly took him away.

Your dh knew there been fighting and you had been called names.

If you had no idea any of that had happened, how did the forcibly take him away and didnt you ask what was going on?

Why tell your crying child they were going for a sleep over? Rather than trying to sort him out and take him home?

I have MS and my balance goes and can look like I'm drunk,I hardly drink anymore due to this and can fall asleep at strange times!

Are you in touch with mother in law of father in law ?

Let your dh sort it out with his brother if he wants

If you're all going to mother in laws for Xmas dinner could be interesting though

You need help with your anxiety, this is your dhs problem to worry about not yours

If it is as you report, then you have dodged a bullet here and you have learned that you don't need these people to be your family if they are ready to judge you and start fights with you. I can see how people would have a few drinks when out with an eight year old once in a blue moon. It's not perfect behaviour but lots do it and it doesn't warrant being frozen out of the family. And all concern for safeguarding your child has disappeared hasn't it?

You may one day discover a back story, but in the meantime, the healthiest thing you can do is move on. Ignore this. Make new connections. You really don't want to reconcile or rely on these members of your family as if it you were ostracised for the behaviour at the party, it will likely happen again.

If someone took my child while they were crying and upset, I would fucking batter them I don't understand this at all.

So, you were asleep and your husband was outside having a fag... neither of you were watching your son. How old is he? I know you say he was with other family members, but looking out for him is his parent's job, isn't it? Other people would've very soon noticed that neither of you were watching over him.

It's not so much that they would resent watching him, but it would have exposed you both as being...not so good at parenting on that occasion.

This isn't to excuse what your BiL said though- he sounds a real chav.

Is there a trusted relative who knows both of you and has an interest in reconciliation?

If BIL is reasonable and his reaction was in his mind justified, though a misunderstanding, then it could be resolved through a 3rd party.

However it could be you are minimising your drinking or BIL is a violent thug who wanted to start a fight. One of you will need to be honest about your behaviour to fix this...and an genuinely impartial 3rd party could help with that.

There is something missing here.

You let your bil and sil take your crying child by force, even though you didnt know there had been a fight or that bil called you cunt.

You even took time to tell the child they were going for a sleepover to convince to go with them. But didnt take the time to find out why they we removing the child?

Doesn’t make sense to me

I’ve got friends with chronic fatigue. None of them drink. Nor do they fall asleep in loud public places

I don’t understand you letting your child go when he was visibly upset either. That doesn’t make one bit of sense

How old is your DS?

OP, I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt here, because my DH’s family are dysfunctional, but the only conclusion I can reasonably come to from the information you have provided, is that you and your DH had far more to drink than you are letting on.

If you want a way forward, I think you need to be really honest with yourself.