Called the police on DP

[Fightingmycorner2019]

Have been accessing some help and one person asked me why I never called the police on his shouting
So tonight it kicked off , and I left the house and called non emergency line
They were very nice actually
Now nervously waiting for the door to knock
It’s a busy city and I know they have a lot to deal with
But it’s going to kick off , maybe
Anyway just sharing
I can just about take him shouting at me but it’s been at my 11 year old , who was too scared to come home from school
Anyway - sorry had to say it somewhere

Don’t get me wrong The Freedom programme is useful
In that it rams home the message about what’s abusive

But there is a part of me that thinks why do I have to do
A Course when he is the problem ?

I have accessed so much legal advice over the years i know where I stand

It’s as a PP said ripping off the plaster

And
Only
I can
Do that

Good luck, I really hope you can have a happy peaceful Christmas this year!

I think feeling angry is also a good emotion. It sort of spurred me on.
See if you can shed a bit more guilt and get angry.
You certainly have a lot to be angry about...

I know ! You all may have seen or experienced this but I seem to find guilt extremely easy and my ‘go to’

I confuses me why I am not angrier and am just so guilty . After all these years his message that

I owe him
I can’t chuck him
I am a bitch
I am a bad mother
I never loved him
I used him to get children
I am money obsessed
He gave up his life for the kids
His Anger is normal and natural response to us all

Has messed with my head

This is despite having years of diaries and various professionals advising me .

Op I mean this gently. But you can't knowingly let your children grow up in an environment where they are too scared to come home. They will grow up and never forgive you. They will blame both of you. Him for doing it and you for permitting and enabling it.

If you can't do it for you. Then you need to do it for them, and your future relationship with them. 💐

Bluntness - hit me harder ! I need to hear it . Really
It scares me how I make the maths work in my head . It’s been many years and despite being an intelligent woman his words have filtered in
I have to be strong

As I know an 11 year old will come home , but a 14 year old may not

I think your plan sounds amazing. I can see how much you're struggling but you're doing the right thing. His mental health isn't more important than yours or that of your children and you are all suffering because of this behaviour. It's not your fault and it sounds as though you have done everything you possibly could to sort this out.

Because you are so kind and thoughtful, it's easy to think other people are the same but they're not. He's been taking advantage of you for years and making your life a misery. He doesn't care about you or he would have worked with you to make life better. We do everything we can to look after those we love.

Place all that energy, love and attention on your children. I think he's taken enough from you all and there is nothing further you can do. Your DV worker sounds lovely and she will support you. Monday is as good a time as any to get in contact and start putting your plans into action.

Come on now, you're doing the right thing. You're going to be ok and things can only get better from here.

I think the freedom programme is great, as you say, for identifying the issues and recognising abuse.
I found that reading on here really helped me identify and name what I had experienced as abuse, even though there was no violence to me (there was with the next girlfriends)
However what I needed next is to look at myself to understand why I didnt see the red flags in the first place - what made me vulnerable to the kind of men who abuse like this. That is not to say that any of the abuse was my fault - it absolutely was not and the blame lies firmly at the feet of the abuser - but there were patterns and ideas that I had imbued since childhood that were plain wrong and made me put other peoples feelings above my own at all times. Subconcious messages I had picked up about my own self worth and how relationships should play out. This is why it is so so important to remove children from dysfunctional relationships because they use them as a blueprint for the future.
Standing up for yourself and kicking him out will demonstate something very powerful to your kids - the fact that you dont allow people who harm or frighten or bully you into your life. That you can say No.
You have recognised that and although it will be difficult, you will get stronger with every step you take xx

Just reading this all again
Coolwinter
Best of luck with your splitting too . Have you a path lined up ?

It’s been such a tense weekend
Kids are ragged and very angry and shouty
I am ashamed to say we all 3 of
Also exhibit rage
My child just called me the foulest name and I wonder if he has learnt from me
From his dad
From the whole situation
We are all fucked up

Sorry !!! Just need a wee vent

Can you get out for a bit of fresh air? Either on your own or take both or one DC with you? That won't solve the problem, but might defuse the situation now.

book him a flight for later this week. Pack his shit. Chuck him out. Do it now. Xmas is too far away.

Just rip the plaster off and get it done.

Then start repairing the damage he's done to you all.
You can do this!

😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖
Just had kids weeping all day

‘Can daddy stay for one last Xmas mummy

No he fucking cant . I bet that fucker will kill
Himself and I get blamed . I bet it

Sorry bad weekend ! Good job I go back to
My equally toxic job tomorrow
Yay !

This all sounds very traumatic. I can only assume that since you've told the children he's leaving, that he knows and he's packing his things. Well done OP. I'm sorry the children are upset but it's for the best.

Ah I am sorry for ranting
This is a safe and relatively anonymous place to do it . I am Better off than many in
My shoes , as I know from freedom

Thanks
And
Sorry for moaning

It's highly doubtful he'll kill himself. This is a manipulation tactic often used by abusers. If he threatens just call the police or an ambulance and let them deal with him. Has he agreed to the flight?

Have you sat down with the kids @Fightingmycorner2019 asked them what makes them sad/frightened/unhappy. What makes them happy etc?

Tell them that you are sorry that you have let daddy shout at them and frighten them for so long. That they deserve better and that you are going to make sure they feel safe and loved at home.

Don't make excuses for your dickhead ex's behaviours. Tell them that they are safe and that they are loved.

You don't want them to grow up and become their father

Busy
Morning accessing and
Planning for
DVA advice
A Legal letter about path forward
Therapy for eldest
Flights
Freedom also said they would refer me to a parenting group which is so what in need

I Am lucky there is so much out there for us

Thanks
For everyone’s kind word and support it really helped me a lot

Gosh I can so relate

I had this for so long
Then the bruises were in places people could not see
I actually remember hoping he would bruise my face so then people would believe me

Keep him out
Get good legal advice and an occupation order

Keep posting on here the advice has helped me so so much
Thinking of you and your lovely son xxx

I actually remember hoping he would bruise my face so then people would believe me

Me too !!!! Interesting isn’t it how we put physical over mental pain xx

Well done. You are so bloody amazing. I really take my hat off to you. Just think of it like being in front of a bridge. You can see your life as it should be at the other side, now you have to walk across it to get there. It will be hard but you have all the pieces in place to make it work. You have done so well and your boys are going to thrive.

Thanks
I don’t feel amazing . Feel like a stressed family and life wrecking bitch
My batteries are so low however

But how many years ? Ruined holidays , ruined weekends . Ruined everything

Then plug into the support available to you and let them help. You don't have to do this by yourself. Please stop calling yourself names, you're bullying yourself. Your partner is responsible for splitting up the family, not you. You're looking after your family by getting them away from him and his abuse.

yes, but the ruin stops now. Think how you will be able to still have the time to create new positive memories, and when the kids look back and compare the two they will be able to clearly see how different and better it all is.
Change and fear kick kids off. fear of whats going to happen and the unknown. And they feel safe to kick off at you - in the past their emotions were held in check by his presence - it didnt mean they were not experiencing them, just they were too scared to let them out, and so internalised them. Not healthy for anyone. So it may be rough and explosive in the shorterm, but longterm will end up in a better place as home becomes less stressful and calmer, with less creeping around trying nopt to set him off

I feel so sorry for your children. Not wanting to come home and too scared to come home. They are taking it all in and this might be how they will be to you and their future partners.

I understand it takes time to get the courage but you had the ideal opportunity when the police visited. You aren’t reliant on this man financially, he can go to his family. The police could escort him out the door. Add ruined childhoods to your list of ruined holidays, ruined weekends.