Called the police on DP

[Fightingmycorner2019]

Have been accessing some help and one person asked me why I never called the police on his shouting
So tonight it kicked off , and I left the house and called non emergency line
They were very nice actually
Now nervously waiting for the door to knock
It’s a busy city and I know they have a lot to deal with
But it’s going to kick off , maybe
Anyway just sharing
I can just about take him shouting at me but it’s been at my 11 year old , who was too scared to come home from school
Anyway - sorry had to say it somewhere

And again thanks everyone

Hi OP be careful - the most dangerous time is when a relationship is ending. I would try and speak to women’s aid and seek advice re the situation.
I wondering if you can go down to the police station and report him@?
Well done for protecting your son. It’s interesting isn’t it as we put up with it - but we don’t want our children too - which is right. The point I’m making is we should get out sooner but I’m aware it’s not that easy.
Take care

I'm confusing you, apologies. When I talk about leaving I mean leaving the relationship. I understand that you want to stay in the home, that's fine, the concern is whether his behaviour gets worse (escalates) once he realises he's losing control.

A safety plan is used to give you strategies and all the information you need to exit the relationship with minimal risk. This man is abusive and we don't know how far he will go. I understand that you think you know him but we never really know anyone.

In order to protect yourself, it's a good idea to have a plan so you can safely manage any situation should it arise. Here is some more information on that: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

Please don't let him know of any plans you have to leave, cover your tracks on the computer. You can erase your browsing history quite easily: support.google.com/chrome/answer/95589?co=GENIE.Platform%3DDesktop&hl=en

Well done to everyone else who are doing what they can to get out of their situation. DV workers have heard it all and they are not judging you so please don't worry about that. They are listening with concern and empathy and they will do everything they can to help you. No one is judging you. Abuse does escalate. Just because he's not violent now, doesn't mean he won't be. Please listen to the advice you're given by those experienced in this and keep yourselves safe.

Best of luck OP, you are a hero in your own right and a hero mum.

Thanks so much everyone

You know how in RL people don’t get it ? They think it’s an argument , volatility like normal couple arguments . You can’t tell people as they don’t get it

And when you get so criticised you still despite everything blame yourself .

This is despite the fact I have pages and pages of back up and diaries . In fact it was MN that taught me this wasn’t right

I am Back on the radar now so I can get some advice from DVA

The coppers were fine but they were young and they don’t really understand either . I think they focus on violence the most - which I get

How can you explain that waking on eggshells for years make you all go crazy ?

I need woman the fuck up and end this relationship . I don’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship
Here to remind myself of the issues ...

My mum can’t come over as it’s so tense

My elders sons last sleepover was ruined because he shouted at him in front of his mate and made him cry

My elder son called me in tears not wanting to go home

Last christmas was completely ruined and this year will be shit too unless I do something

He refuses to work and goes off at me when I have the temerity to suggest it

I Give him money every month (mug)

He smokes weed all day

He hogs the living room so we all 3 watch tablets in bed

We all walk on eggshells

He has explosive rows and temper outbursts when things don’t go his way

He makes my son cry

He tells me I Am a shit mother

I never invite people over and as he is here all the time

I avoid close
Friend as am so miserable

Sorry !! Just have to keep reminding
Myself

And your safety Tips are noted with gratitude

Thanks again and hope you are all OK too

Don't be sorry OP - you are right to put it down if it helps you remember things.

I'm so upset for you that the police never came

Stay strong you have got this

You need someone to be kind to you. You sound rather alone but you have all the right ideas. Please pluck up the courage to end it. Rip off the plaster, get it over with. You'll feel so much better in the long run.

Stay strong 💐

If he's only a DP not a DH, and the house is in your name, then at least the law is on your side. You can chuck him out. That doesn't help with the practicalities though, if he refuses to go.

You've done bloody well making that list, and making the decision. Stay safe.

Tell the police it's coercive control. You're afraid not to give him money.

Can you wait for him to go out & get the locks changed? Then if he kicks off outside, call the police & have him removed? They can serve him with an order that stops him coming on to your property.

You're doing so well, you're not a shit mother, you're doing your best and that's all we can do. It's not your fault and there is hope and there is life after this. You can't see how well you've done. It's hard.

Just take it a step at a time. Get in contact with the domestic violence organisation and plan how to safely get out. They will support you.

It doesn't sound as though those police were very well trained in domestic abuse and I'm sorry they didn't take you seriously. This is not ok and it's not your fault. You're the expert on your own life. No one else and no one else gets to tell you how you feel.

I don't know what's available in your area, your local DV organisation will know. Domestic abuse has a lot of factors to consider, so you need to have a talk with them to work out the best way of exiting the relationship. I know this is tough, it's so tough, but it's for the best my love.

You need to get really angry
It's the only way to focus your energy on getting rid of him.
Make a plan to change the locks once he leaves the property
Set a deadline for doing it.
Make sure you have enough bin bags for all his stuff and dump it outside.
Never let him back in ever.
You and your DCs deserve a life free of fear and intimidation.
It is already causing you son problems being too scared to come home.
I can relate to this I was scared to death of my abusive father and disappeared for hours and hours from the age of 5.
My mother didn't leave him until I was 12...they were truly the worst years of my life and had a detrimental effect on the rest of my life, making poor choices mainly and not knowing how to deal with life as my insides were consumed by anxiety even though I looked calm on the outside.
You have the power to get rid of him, just sit down calmly and make a plan.
If you are struggling with the anxiety go to your GP and ask for some Valium for 10days to get you though this really difficult period.

Ah bless you all!

The coppers were nice and in fact the
Young and quite handsome one (!) seemed to get it . But how can you talk in a tiny 2 up 2 down with kids next door ? But actually given the rates and murder rates they probably should be

I think I need to develop skin of steel and just do it . It’s been years and years of this misery .

Of Course kicking out a depressed and unemployed man who is not young feels harsh and unkind . On paper I look
Like a Massive bitch . To his family I look hard and unkind .

Please tell me
There is life on the other side . Looking after 2 DC and a full time job

But hey if I am not giving Him money every month i can spend in childcare . And some therapy

Stay strong OP, and be proud of yourself. It wont be easy at first, but once hes out, your life and that of your DC will be a good one filled with the peace and happiness which you all lack now because of him.

It sounds as if your children are suffering from his temper. You're all miserable and walking on eggshells in your own home. What positives does he bring to the family? Or does he just take?

If you split up with him now, you could have a much more relaxed xmas this year. Think of it as a xmas present for your kids.

If he's got family, they can take him in.

He's ruined his chances with you. His actions, his fault, his problem.

Fighting, the one thing that made me sit up and think, "Enough, never again", was my son (then 12) who last year said, "Don't worry Mummy, it's not your fault. I'm used to it". This was on Xmas morning, after yet another Xmas Eve was ruined by my ex (I'd told him to leave that night, and got the police involved when he tried to break in - he was drunk...again).

I won't lie, it's hard work being a single parent to 2, and working full time...but I wouldn't trade any of it to go back. I let my work know the situation, and also the schools. Now, the only thing that would stop me from going into work are the kids being ill, or me being ill. Not any of his f*ckwittery and nonsense. The sense of peace (day to day, in our home) that the children and myself have now is immense. I wish I'd done something years ago!! Imagine, being able to watch what you'd like on TV, having a peaceful and calm household, no treading on eggshells. It's wonderful :)

Please remember that none of this is your fault, or the kids fault. It's his fault, and his actions that have come to this. It's unfortunate that he has depression, but many people have depression and they are not abusive to their partners/family. He has no business using that as an excuse. You are not being harsh or unkind at all. His family can take care of him and take him in, if they're that concerned. I wish you all the best x

It doesnt matter if you look like a bitch and it doesnt matter if his family think you are unkind. It doesnt matter if he doesnt want the relationship to end, it doesnt matter what friends or neighbours think.
You can decide you dont want to be in a relationship for ANY reason, there is no law in this land that will force you to stay in one.
His family can take him in, he has somewhere to go, and actually it doesnt matter even if he hasnt, housing his lazy arse isnt your responsibility.
You dont want to be with him, you ask him to leave. If he kicks off, you call the police right back.
You have the right to a quite enjoyment of your home, to raise your kids in a peaceful environment. If he doesnt go you can call the police, and if he wants to kick off then, just point out he is bringing drugs into the house with kids in.

Think of it as returning a faulty item to the manufacturers.

TicTac80

That so resonates ! One of the many nails
In the coffin was a row last Xmas eve . Sulked all Xmas day . Upsetting my
Mother and of course the kids. I can’t even say it’s upsets me anymore as knew it was coming . Its When , not If

Every year I work between Xmas and NY as I need to escape the house

The whole police thing shook him up and he has indicated he will leave before Xmas
I will be getting some advice from DVA and legal to ensure that happens

This does mean him
Leaving the country which is very upsetting for the children

And Nettle you are right . That’s what policeman said too . No one has to
Stay in a Relationship . But
For various and guilt reasons I did

And the stress means I look like shit . My hair has died , skin is shit , massive eye bags and
Comfort eating and drinking

Again thanks for all
Your comments they have massively helped

Single parenting can be hard but nowhere near as hard as living how you are at the moment. Picture the freedom and choice to live peacefully and happily with your children in your own home.
Wishing you strength OP.

He has indicated that he'll leave before Chrismas
This is too vague by far!
You need to tell him he needs to leave tomorrow
. If he has to fly back to his home country the flights will all go up in price soon due to the Xmas rush and he'll still be with in January.
Let him go and stay on a friend's sofa or a hostel for homeless men. It's really not your problem where he goes.
Unless you insist on him leaving, he probably won't go before Christmas and you'll all be living on even worse eggshells between now and then.
As soon as he starts shouting again, call the Police and get them to remove him from the house and tell him to never come back. Tell him he can collect his belongings from outside the house or a friends place at such and such a time.
Remember to get his key off him, and even better change the locks.
I know none of this is easy, but just think of how great it will be when he's gone and what a lovely Xmas you can have with your DC once he's not living in the home.

The plan is
Speak to DV advocate this week (she is the most useful of everyone )
I will then write a formal letter indicating the situation and laying out a few details

When he confirms , I’ll book his
Flight

I feel bad as I know he desperately doesn’t want to do . Also feel bad as reading the MH thread but seeing as every gentle offer
For him to acess MH support has ended with him shouting that I am the one with MH problems yada yada

I also thing I will cease the Freedom programme . I know the issue . I just need to move onto the practical and think actually energy needs to go on things like childcare , babysitters , getting a network , maybe counselling for the kids .

And if the plans above don’t. Work then I gets legal and nasty

Don’t worry having him out before Xmas is the plan .

I am also in
Limbo and can’t tell people
Till it actually happens