Should I say something or just let it go (a MIL one)

[NamechangeoutedbyMIL]

Me and MIL always got on quite well... Had quite a good relationship.

The day me and DP got engaged, she completely changed. Constantly making snidy comments at me, trying to get me to argue about macaroni cheese (!), butting her nose into our relationship and finances etc.

I let all this wash over me and never retaliated even though DP likes my macaroni cheese more

She then started calling DP twice a day and texting him almost non stop... I mentioned to DP that I thought she had started being really really odd recently and DP agreed but said it was probably because of some other family stuff that I won't bore you with.

ANYWAY to the point, at a party a few weeks ago, MIL got extremely drunk and generally was making an absolute arse of herself. Whatever, we've all been there.

At the end of the night she came up and started screaming at me. Some highlights include:

• announcing to DPs entire family that I am a baby murderer because she knows about the abortion I had and she hates me for killing her grandchild

*I am a gold digger (I earn 2 x what DP does, and I don't earn a great deal???)

• I am controlling

• I ruined DPs life

• she wish he never met me

• it's my fault the housing market crashed (yeah, I don't know either)

• I treat her like the other woman

• everyone hates me and thinks I'm a weirdo

• my mum should have aborted me

• she can't wait for me and DP to break up so she can live back at home with her

• I don't look after DP enough because I don't do his washing or have his dinner made for him every day

Etc etc etc - this went on for literally two hours of her screaming at me like a banshee and chasing me down the road when I tried to walk away.

Yes, of course I ended up screaming back but I never personally insulted her, just told her she was acting like a crazy woman and was being creepy, it's none of her business about the abortion etc etc

DP eventually practically picked her up and carried her away and gave her a bit of a telling off, that I do a lot for him and have supported him and turned his life around and he wouldn't be the man he is today without me etc etc

Anyway, the next day she text with a weak apology with the 🙈 emoji saying she couldn't remember what she said but never mind.

However, she has tect DP apologising every day since. What she's apologising to him for I don't know since it was me who got the absolute barrage of abuse.

Several weeks later, DP wants me to move on and try and forget about it but I just can't, the more time that passes, the angerier I get.

She has said repeatedly to DP she doesn't want to know what she said, but I don't have the luxury of forgetting the vile things she said to me.

As well as that, the stuff she was saying didn't come out of nowehere, and they were said with absolute venom so she obviously dispises me - I wouldn't and haven't ever spoken to my worst enemy the way she did. She had obviously been brewing away these feelings for sometime.

So, what do I do now?

Half of me wants to text her explaining that the things she said were incredibly hurtful and there must be some truth behind them and we can't move forward until we are upfront about it all and the other half of me thinks, fuck it I'll just never see her again which makes DPs life difficult and also thsr might be slightly impossible.

I have done a lot for the family, especially organising the food and music for a close family members funeral recently so they didn't have too, always gave up my time at weekends to visit etc.

I just don't know what to do!!!

(I didn't mean for this to be so long...)

I wouldn't have a relationship with this woman. Tell your partner you respect he wants a relationship with his mother but you don't want that toxicity in your life. He can go round to hers to see her.

Ask your ‘D’P how he’d respond to someone who screamed at him for an hour chasing him down the street and revealed intimate secrets of his in front of everyone and then sent him a lame half arsed non apology the next day.

I would have nothing to do with the woman and I wouldn’t give a shit how DP felt about it.

This woman hates you and wants to cause you harm, don’t let her.

Fucking hell. I have never lamped anyone but she would have had her mouth well and truly smacked shut. Absolutely don't have a relationship with her. The woman is jealous and toxic.

I would have to send a message or a note saying all the things she said to you then cut her out of your life , trust me when I say that your life will be easier without that sort of evil in it

OMG :(

I would talk it through with her. What've you got to lose? If it doesn't work out you can always go with plan B and give up on her.

Hugs xxxxx

Baby murderer
I'd have nothing to do with the mad bitch.

Up to him if he wants contact, but I wouldn't have her name mentioned in my home.

Thanks for your replies...

Thankfully I was only slightly tipsy after the party, if I had been drunk I probably would have lamped her and, well, that's something that you can't ever take back.

I just cannot see a way to move forward with this.

She kept repeatedly calling DP "my son" but she was like... Practically growling it and it was really weird. Instead of saying "You've ruined Paul's (not really name) life" it was "You've ruined MY SONS life", in the end I was like he does have a fucking name you know he isn't your possession.

Urgh.

I can't fault DP on the night, he totally had my back but he's always shied away from confrontations and awkward situations and just wants to forget about it all.

Oh I forgot as well when I was like, DP. We are leaving. NOW. Before she attacks me or something and we went to leave, she screamed SON, YOU STAY HERE WITH ME DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE WITH THAT BITCH and then when we left she like... Collapsed to the floor and started hysterically sobbing that he doesn't love her anymore.

SO CREEPY

Looks like the general consensus is that there is no moving forward... Is it worth the message to try or am I just risking stirring more trouble?

Message her telling her that as you don’t have the luxury of forgetting what she said, you think it’s only fair she be reminded. Then list exactly what she said to you, just as you have here, without comment, and say that as her loathing of you is so visceral, it’s probably best that she keeps well out of your way in future.

You have no responsibility to move on or forgive. Your DP needs to stop being a weakling. Either way, I’d be consulting my own feelings exclusively on this one.

X-posted with you, OP — why would you want to even try to move on?

Also,

We have NO IDEA how she knows about the abortion. DP swears blind he didn't tell her and I firmly believe him because, well why would you and he hadn't seen her since it happened anyway.

So the only options are:

Outed via mumsnet because I did post about it at the time but this seems like a BIG STRETCH

She rummages in our bins and or has a traxker on my car / phone (semi light hearted!)

I’m going thru a divorce at the moment.......one of the biggest benefits is that I can divorce a MIL just like yours!
My advice would be to let someone else at the party tell her what she said and how she acted. Then, When you ignore her it won’t be a surprise!
Good luck!

her loathing of you is so visceral

That is exactly how it felt.

With regards to moving on, I just feel bad for DP really as it must be a tough position to be in...

We get limited time together as it is for various reasons (trying not to be too outing...) and he won't want to sacrifice our minimal time together to go and visit her but also doesn't want to hurt her feelings because it's his mum.

Plus we will have the wedding, and the hen party and if any children in the future happen etc it all just feels like it will be awkward for me and him if I go NC with her.

I was also just looking for some confirming that I wouldn't BU if I do decide to cut her out totally I guess

My cousins MIL used to rummage thro her bins!

Does she have friends at your GP’s or hospital or pharmacy?

Either way, she sounds batshit. I wouldn’t say anything further to her. It will only give her more ammo and prolong the arguments. Just cut her out.

I would want her to know exactly what she said to you, not sure I believe the ‘ I can’t remember’ but by telling her she knows. I would list it as you have here, then say that you don’t think there is and coming back from this, that you don’t want to have any contact with her, and it’s up to her son if he wants contact

You seem more concerned about your DP’s feelings than he does about yours, OP. Any decent human being would be so utterly appalled by the hurt his drunk, vitriolic mother has caused his significant other that he wouldn’t be putting the remotest pressure on his fiancée to ‘move on’.

And being left out of your wedding should surely be her concern, not yours, anyway? Why would she want to watch her son marry a woman she loathes? Ditto grandchildren.

And I suspect your DP told her about the abortion, whatever he says. How else could she know?

Bloody hell, OP! That’s a lot of bile to have emerged at once. Sounds like you got quite a battering. MIL is obviously projecting her own issues onto you big time. It’s that she sees you as ‘the other woman’ not that she believes you see her that way. About the termination - any chance at all she weasled this information out of your DP? At any rate: I suspect the old grey rock is your friend here in terms of keeping it low contact and offering nothing in response. I’m sorry to say I don’t see this improving as long as your DP is in her life as well as yours. In her eyes you have stolen ‘her boy’ and she can’t see how irrational this is as a position. Is dad on the scene? Siblings? Anyone to take some pressure off you and be very firmly boundaried with MIL?

I’m sorry but I would have to send her the text stating exactly what she said.
Why should she get away with not knowing all the vile shit what spewed from her mouth. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let it lie.

DP swears blind he didn't tell her

well one of you did...

You sure you want this woman in your life? You're not even married yet and she's causing agro. What will it be like if you go through with a wedding, have kids? Can you trust that your dp will always have your back when she goes off on one of her abusive rants? Will he always stand up for you and shut her down if she belittles you? Will you want your kids spending time with her, not knowing what she's saying about you? Unless you can be certain that you can avoid her and accept that Dh will probably want to continue a relationship with her, then I'd be considering your future with dp.

No advice. But had to comment, surely you don't believe that she can't remember what she said?
She knows full well that she showed her true colours and went too far.

I would limit contact as much as possible.
Sorry for you and your partner

You should text her with all of the things she said. Then ask her how she would feel if someone did that to her. And ask how she thinks you can both move forward from this.

Sorry OP, but if you didn’t tell your MIL about your abortion, then your DP did. There is no other reasonable explanation.

Also, if your DP thinks that you should try and forget about this, then he does not have your back. Yes, she’s his mother, but her behaviour will only get worse, especially once you have children. What else will you be encouraged to just forget about?

This might be controversial, and doesn't for a second excuse how she acted, but it sounds like this woman feels that she's losing her son, whichis making her distraught and is driving her (demented) accusations.

Rather than escalating it out of a - justified - sense of grievance, or cutting her off, which inevitably will pressurise your DP into seeing her less and thus prove her point, a third way would be to approach this with compassion. No need to condone the vile behaviour, or even dwell on it much, but would there be a way for you - or better yet, your DP - to kindly say that she seemed to be seeing this as a you vs her scenario, and that you/he don't see it like that. Is there something in her past that might make her expect someone she loves to leave her for someone they love? Your future life together would be far better if this wasnt a running sore.

I'd be so angry if my mum spoke this way to my husband!! I'd find it so hard to forgive her, I definitely wouldn't be pushing him to forgive her so we can swiftly forget all about it!

I get the feeling this is standard behavior from his mum and he's used to forgiving and forgetting, but I wouldn't, and I'd be annoyed at him for suggesting it, I wouldn't forge any relationship with her, she wouldn't be coming on my hen do, and I'd have serious reservations about her at my wedding if that's how she handles her emotions under the influence! I wouldn't text her though, I wouldn't stoop to that level, she'll probably make you out to be a liar anyway. Maintain the moral high ground

He shouldn’t be pressuring you to move on at his pace.. that’s dismissive of your feelings.

He can have sympathy towards his mums irrational fears and deal with them without dismissing your feelings conveniently too make her feel special. The person who is treating her as OW I suspect is your DP. She isnt. She is his mother. He needs to make it clear that he doesn’t need her fulfilling the role of “woman” in his life. Because there is no such role. There is his partner who is along his path building a Family together.. and there is his mother who brought him into this life and parented him till his independence. Both could be appreciated seperately..

Unfortunately OP I too strongly suspect your DP has told her about the abortion but is “trained” to tell women exactly what they need to hear to avoid “conflict”. Please don’t send your mind to far away places trying to analyse and dismiss your own judgement because this will send you into FOG and it will absolutely tire you out mentally until you end up being seen as the mentally weak person.

My advice is... your DP has two options, or 3;

He either acknowledges he has a troubled relationship with his mother and doesn’t know how to manage that while maintaining independence and makes commitments to change either by counselling or taking new steps forwards.. and before that you don’t marry

You keep your distance forever and he accepts you and his kids will have minimal contact... which doesn’t work long term

You leave.

Really OP. Don’t do this to yourself.