Should I say something or just let it go (a MIL one)

[NamechangeoutedbyMIL]

Me and MIL always got on quite well... Had quite a good relationship.

The day me and DP got engaged, she completely changed. Constantly making snidy comments at me, trying to get me to argue about macaroni cheese (!), butting her nose into our relationship and finances etc.

I let all this wash over me and never retaliated even though DP likes my macaroni cheese more

She then started calling DP twice a day and texting him almost non stop... I mentioned to DP that I thought she had started being really really odd recently and DP agreed but said it was probably because of some other family stuff that I won't bore you with.

ANYWAY to the point, at a party a few weeks ago, MIL got extremely drunk and generally was making an absolute arse of herself. Whatever, we've all been there.

At the end of the night she came up and started screaming at me. Some highlights include:

• announcing to DPs entire family that I am a baby murderer because she knows about the abortion I had and she hates me for killing her grandchild

*I am a gold digger (I earn 2 x what DP does, and I don't earn a great deal???)

• I am controlling

• I ruined DPs life

• she wish he never met me

• it's my fault the housing market crashed (yeah, I don't know either)

• I treat her like the other woman

• everyone hates me and thinks I'm a weirdo

• my mum should have aborted me

• she can't wait for me and DP to break up so she can live back at home with her

• I don't look after DP enough because I don't do his washing or have his dinner made for him every day

Etc etc etc - this went on for literally two hours of her screaming at me like a banshee and chasing me down the road when I tried to walk away.

Yes, of course I ended up screaming back but I never personally insulted her, just told her she was acting like a crazy woman and was being creepy, it's none of her business about the abortion etc etc

DP eventually practically picked her up and carried her away and gave her a bit of a telling off, that I do a lot for him and have supported him and turned his life around and he wouldn't be the man he is today without me etc etc

Anyway, the next day she text with a weak apology with the 🙈 emoji saying she couldn't remember what she said but never mind.

However, she has tect DP apologising every day since. What she's apologising to him for I don't know since it was me who got the absolute barrage of abuse.

Several weeks later, DP wants me to move on and try and forget about it but I just can't, the more time that passes, the angerier I get.

She has said repeatedly to DP she doesn't want to know what she said, but I don't have the luxury of forgetting the vile things she said to me.

As well as that, the stuff she was saying didn't come out of nowehere, and they were said with absolute venom so she obviously dispises me - I wouldn't and haven't ever spoken to my worst enemy the way she did. She had obviously been brewing away these feelings for sometime.

So, what do I do now?

Half of me wants to text her explaining that the things she said were incredibly hurtful and there must be some truth behind them and we can't move forward until we are upfront about it all and the other half of me thinks, fuck it I'll just never see her again which makes DPs life difficult and also thsr might be slightly impossible.

I have done a lot for the family, especially organising the food and music for a close family members funeral recently so they didn't have too, always gave up my time at weekends to visit etc.

I just don't know what to do!!!

(I didn't mean for this to be so long...)

Plus we will have the wedding, and the hen party and if any children in the future happen etc it all just feels like it will be awkward for me and him if I go NC with her

Jesus Christ. That toxic bitch would be nowhere near my hen party or wedding after that. I am surprised you think that is even an option!

Your DP should have gone fucking nuclear at her. A full face to face apology is the least he should be demanding from her - to you, not him!

No way would I have a witch like that anywhere near me in future. She's been vile to you for ages - what has your DP had to say about that? Because it strikes me only when all this hated came out in public, in front of other people, totally undeniable did he really step in. And even then the results of his intervention have been totally underwhelming.

She is shit scared she will lose contact with your DP over this. That is, frankly, leverage he ought to be using on your behalf. Why isn't he?

OP your DH may have intimated the abortion and now regrets it for obvious reasons so is now being coy about how she found out.

Other than that he hasn't done much wrong.

The MIL probably can't remember what she said in her drunken state and may be minimising, convincing herself it wasn't that bad.

Or she remembers every word.

I'm torn between saying nothing and letting her stew.

Or spelling out exactly what she said.

Either way, it's unforgivable and my DH would be visiting on his own from now on.

I would be determined to find out how she knew about the abortion.

Do you love this guy that much, that you can put up with his mum for decades?

Um. So FMIL has a skinful at the wedding (practically guaranteed), and what? Repeat?

I wouldn’t forgive a friend or work colleague for pulling this kind of stunt. Never mind someone who is nearly family with you. It seems rather convenient that she can’t remember the vile things she said. Her apology sounds half hearted at best.
She sounds very fixated and jealous on your fiancé which is very unhealthy. If you have children together in the future, then lm pretty sure she will be the same with them. My ex-MIL was a nightmare and in hindsight l should have taken less shit from her, from the off but l didn’t. You need to set your stall out, make clear this isn’t acceptable and personally l would go no contact with her

Of course she remembers what she said. You need to have a serious conversation with him about where his loyalties lie.

How do you know she wouldn't stand up and stop the wedding, you cant trust her not to ruin your big day and therefore she shouldn't be there! And why would you consider inviting her the hen party.... actually rewind, I would be considering whether you should marry DP at all, if he let her shout at you for 2 hours before wading in, then asks you to sweep it under the carpet, then he is a weak weak man! He should be saying to his mum when she grovells to him that it isn't him that needs the apology, he should be standing up for you, tell him to grow some balls or go away!

Honestly OP!?
I'd send her the link to this thread.
I could not have any kind of relationship with anyone who spoke to me like that.
And how dare she judge your decision over your own body and then say that your mum should have terminated you. What kind of twisted logic is that?
She is bat shit crazy. She will ruin your life if you stay with her wonderful son.
Sorry but that is the crux of it.
Would you want your DC to have contact with her?
Because she will bad mouth you to them constantly, no matter what you do.
Really consider your future with this man.
He allowed his mother to scream at you for 2 hours!
Just how?????
I'd have fucking decked her and got out of there.
Your DP did NOT have your back at all.

And now he wants you to just forget it.
He has no spine. Sorry OP, but he doesn't.
His mums feelings will always come before yours, otherwise he wouldn't even ask you to just forget it.

If you really want to try to mend bridges with her (fuck that shit) then you will need to sit down with her and she will need to listen to you. She will need to listen to what she said to you. And she will need to listen to how this has impacted you and your feelings towards her.
She will need to hear some real home truths about herself and her behaviour. Not just on that night but also the constant interfering.
How would she have liked it if her MIL had behaved how she has done to you?

Your DP needs to support you in what ever you decide.
But I'd decide to get out and get away from the whole family and the whole situation.
Your life will be hell on earth otherwise.
And no, that does not mean she has won. It means you have chosen a happy peaceful life away from the lot of them!

I'd definitely be saying to DP that her woeful half arsed attempt at an apology was completely insufficient for what she put me through. She will need to make a full apology face to face, including facing up to and acknowledging what she said to me, before there will be any 'moving on', on my part. He needs to tell her that texting him every day is not appropriate, it's you she verbally abused in front of a cast of bloody thousands, it's you she needs to be apologising to.

In addition to that, I'd be making it very clear to DP that she will not be invited to my hen party, because I can't trust her not to get off her tits and pull a similar stunt. That we would both need an undertaking that she would remain sober, and behave appropriately for the entirety of our wedding day, with a clear understanding that the minute she starts acting up, so much as an eyebrow or white dress or black widows weeds appears, she will be removed.

It's very unlikely that the way she knows of the abortion is not because of DP telling her. I'd be talking about that with DP, and hoping to get him to own this, and apologise for it. He needs to learn that he doesn't share private and personal information about you with his mother. Clear boundaries need to be put in place. Because otherwise, she's going to be hearing everytime you have a disagreement, and you'll have her piling in on you.

Really, you do need to have a full on talk with DP about the issues raised by this extremely upsetting and ugly incident, and think about whether you will in the long term be able to have a happy life together - and what you need to do to achieve that. One thing I'd be pointing out to DP is that if she runs you off, what's to stop her doing that to the next potential life partner? And the next one. . . and the next one. . .

Another one who thinks DP told her about the abortion. There is more to their relationship than you seem to think. Her dramatic reaction and hate is stemming from somewhere. I wouldn't be sure your DP isn't bitching about you to her. I'd, at a minimum, delay the wedding and keep a closer eye on their dynamic. MILs who treat DIL like shit whilst their DS stands and watches causes divorce. Can't remember the statistic.

I would imagine DP is also moaning that he doesn’t get a cooked meal waiting for him when he gets in and you don’t iron his shirts too.

Ummmm...... so at a party , for 2 hours your mil screaming at you.

Your dp just stood and watched?

No one else from the party tried to intervene? (Were they selling tickets?)

And you just stood there?

This is a dp problem

I had similar - although not as extreme as you!! My m’n’law’s rant and insults was over 8 years ago and I chose to bury my feelings for the sake of my husband and small children. I regret it. It’s only now I can have a reasonable relationship with my m’n’law but I can never forget the past as it was not dealt with. My advice would be to write down your issues and go talk it through with her with your hubby there. For your sake don’t bury it. If it all goes to pot you wil end up avoiding her anyway but addressing it might help give you closure.

At the very least if your hubby swears he did not tell her about the abortion he needs to find out from her who did.

I'm another who thinks the source of her information is your partner.

He's blabbed outright or said something that she worked it out from.

Also think he's had the odd moan about you to her, and it's really come and bitten him in the arse with her display. He's probably horrified.

It fits with him just wanting to brush over it all. There's really not a likely explanation other than he's your mole.

I think you can move on: maybe if your partner gets her to agree not to drink at family occasions and she sticks to it, and other times you keep a distance. It's not really a great outlook for your relationship if she becomes persona non grata forever. And maybe he'll have learnt to keep his trap shut from this.