Should I say something or just let it go (a MIL one)

[NamechangeoutedbyMIL]

Me and MIL always got on quite well... Had quite a good relationship.

The day me and DP got engaged, she completely changed. Constantly making snidy comments at me, trying to get me to argue about macaroni cheese (!), butting her nose into our relationship and finances etc.

I let all this wash over me and never retaliated even though DP likes my macaroni cheese more

She then started calling DP twice a day and texting him almost non stop... I mentioned to DP that I thought she had started being really really odd recently and DP agreed but said it was probably because of some other family stuff that I won't bore you with.

ANYWAY to the point, at a party a few weeks ago, MIL got extremely drunk and generally was making an absolute arse of herself. Whatever, we've all been there.

At the end of the night she came up and started screaming at me. Some highlights include:

• announcing to DPs entire family that I am a baby murderer because she knows about the abortion I had and she hates me for killing her grandchild

*I am a gold digger (I earn 2 x what DP does, and I don't earn a great deal???)

• I am controlling

• I ruined DPs life

• she wish he never met me

• it's my fault the housing market crashed (yeah, I don't know either)

• I treat her like the other woman

• everyone hates me and thinks I'm a weirdo

• my mum should have aborted me

• she can't wait for me and DP to break up so she can live back at home with her

• I don't look after DP enough because I don't do his washing or have his dinner made for him every day

Etc etc etc - this went on for literally two hours of her screaming at me like a banshee and chasing me down the road when I tried to walk away.

Yes, of course I ended up screaming back but I never personally insulted her, just told her she was acting like a crazy woman and was being creepy, it's none of her business about the abortion etc etc

DP eventually practically picked her up and carried her away and gave her a bit of a telling off, that I do a lot for him and have supported him and turned his life around and he wouldn't be the man he is today without me etc etc

Anyway, the next day she text with a weak apology with the 🙈 emoji saying she couldn't remember what she said but never mind.

However, she has tect DP apologising every day since. What she's apologising to him for I don't know since it was me who got the absolute barrage of abuse.

Several weeks later, DP wants me to move on and try and forget about it but I just can't, the more time that passes, the angerier I get.

She has said repeatedly to DP she doesn't want to know what she said, but I don't have the luxury of forgetting the vile things she said to me.

As well as that, the stuff she was saying didn't come out of nowehere, and they were said with absolute venom so she obviously dispises me - I wouldn't and haven't ever spoken to my worst enemy the way she did. She had obviously been brewing away these feelings for sometime.

So, what do I do now?

Half of me wants to text her explaining that the things she said were incredibly hurtful and there must be some truth behind them and we can't move forward until we are upfront about it all and the other half of me thinks, fuck it I'll just never see her again which makes DPs life difficult and also thsr might be slightly impossible.

I have done a lot for the family, especially organising the food and music for a close family members funeral recently so they didn't have too, always gave up my time at weekends to visit etc.

I just don't know what to do!!!

(I didn't mean for this to be so long...)

If ANYONE no matter how drunk, had screamed out in public that I had had an abortion, most private piece of information about a woman there is, that person would be dead to me. I wouldn't care if it was his mum, my mum, or the old woman down the road, they would no longer exist for me. And I wouldn't care one whit about what my DP said.

I'd tell the bitch exactly what she screamed. Being drunk is no excuse and she deserves to be told. Then I'd cut her out of my life.

Someone told her about the abortion. Only you know for sure how many people you told and if you only told your DP, then there's your answer for you, no matter how many times he denies it. It's pretty obvs that there's a much stronger and deeper tie there than you realize.

Wow, she sounds delightful! I have a similar situation. My DP's mum barely speaks to me, just grunts if I am talking to her, but has an amazing relationship with DP's ex, goes on holidays, weekends away etc so it is all very awkward and I try and avoid any situation where I need to see them. My DP is also a weakling and wont address the situation as he doesn't want to cause trouble! Personally, I would send the message addressing everything she said and how it made you feel! Did no one else at the party step in and say anything, I mean if someone was doing that to me or someone else for 2 hours I would have dragged them away, was it all his family or yours too? Cant believe no one backed you up! xx

It's highly likely that DP told his mum about the abortion. But don't dismiss the possibility that his mum has a friend at the hospital, I've seen threads before where a MIL got medical information from a friend who worked in the NHS.

As you are serious in your relationship and he seems like a good ‘un, I would have one go at sorting this out before setting up a NC arrangement that will cause tension for the rest of your lives together.

Get DP in side. Explain that the details of what she said rise up every time she is in contact. That she is clearly not coping with him marrying and ‘leaving ‘ her and you can to an extent understand that her venom comes from that rather than being personal to you. But you all need to be able to be a family.

Do not message her, meet her and talk. Say that you appreciated that she sent a text, and you know she was drunk, but you want to all be a family , her included, so you want to know what you have done to upset her so.

Say how you felt when she shouted about the abortion. Ask her in a calm factual way what is behind her belief that you are a gold digger. Listen to her answers. Don’t be hostile or aggressive, make it as easy as possible for her to talk to you.

Ask her if she feels Dp is ‘leaving ‘ her, assure her that he is not and you do not want to ‘claim’ him but that you all need to be able to get in together.

She will either admit her vulnerabilities and sense if loss (dies she have a DH??? Tellingly you have not mentioned one) or not.

If she gives out more hostility, we’ll, nothing lost, you are where you started BUT you know you tried.

If she talks... much to gain.

Also if she responds badly at least you got it off your chest and let her know.

The other thing is, with these constant apologies to your Dow, he could say ‘look Mum I think you do need to know what you said. Other family members heard and DP needs a proper explanation and apology. To be honest I can’t understand why you would call her a gold digger, have you misunderstood something?”

I can't work out how she managed to rant for two hours. I'd have left at the first comment.
Does mil have a husband or partner?
Does your dp have any siblings?
It's despicable how she brought up the termination in her vitriolic rant. In my opinion, there's no going back.
I would cease all contact with her.

MIL got extremely drunk and generally was making an absolute arse of herself. Whatever, we've all been there

Actually, no, we haven't all been there. However...

I'm glad your OP had your back on the night, but he doesn't have your back now. Sorry, but if I was him, I wouldn't want anything to do with her and would cut her out of my life unless she made a full and frank apology to you and clearly meant it - and even then, any further contact would be on your terms.

Nah... fuck that shit.
This is a hill I'd die on.

I'd text her and say exactly what you've said
"Hi crazy lady,
I don't have the luxury of not knowing or not remembering what you said.
You told me x, y and z.
Alcohol while a factor is not an excuse for any of this.
I'm not sure where we go from here but i will not tolerate this kind of abuse or so disrespect."

I'd be raising merry hell and frankly your DPs behaviour does t sound beyond reproach... I'm amazed it was able to go on for 2 hours?!? And he's now pressuring you to sweep it under the carpet.
I'd be thinking twice about continuing the relationship because your DP is clearly not fully onside

I wonder if you told your DP you were going to launch a formal complaint against the clinic and insist on a full investigation of how your MiL was illegally told about your abortion, whether he would fess up.

Future children will be poisoned by her against you, and will be told that you had an abortion (and god knows how that will be framed); and your DP will carry on telling her private things while saying that you need to move on.

You'll grow to hate Xmas and dread birthdays. You'll hear the sound of your own laughter a lot less.

Please have a really big think about this, OP.

I know it's none of my business so feel free to ignore, but are you hoping to have children with him one day? Because if he still has a relationship with her, I imagine he would want any future children to too. I also wouldn't allow my child around anyone who said these things to me so you might be in a horrible situation in the future.
Also, you're engaged so I'm assuming you plan to marry? Will she be at your wedding? Would you allow it? It's nice that you're thinking about your DPs feelings, but her hate for you is very, very strong and a wedge will be driven somewhere- either between you and DP or DP and her. Realistically you can't move forward as you were from this without you being very, very (undeservingly so) forgiving

And whatever happened. I would never be in the same room as her again. for any reason. Ever.

She only texted you a very wishy-washy apology saying she couldn't remember but she apologises to your Dp "every day". She really hates you and doesn't give a shit about your feelings does she?

She needs to be told exactly what she said and how that made you feel and then she needs to make a full apology directly to you as in face to face not by a text that someone else writes for her. This isn't going to happen as deep down she doesn't think she did anything wrong (as you don't matter).

Have non of the other "family" who witnessed this said anything about it or are they all frightened that she will turn on them too?

Your Dp wants you to forget about about and go back to how it was with you paying duty visits in your precious time off and arranging food and music for their family funerals etc. (being the family scapegoat and servant basically). Is this what you want from your life with him? This is only the start, I'm sure the batshit MIL will want to have control over the wedding (thats if she allows it to go ahead!).

The reason why she doesn't want to be told what she said is because she knows damn well what she said and is pretending not to so she can sweep it under the carpet.

And your dp is ridiculous expecting you to move on from a massive barrage of personal attacks and abusive behaviour. I'd actually consider carefully whether you really do want to be engaged to this man. He comes with some horrible baggage which he is unwilling to address.

Another one who thinks it WAS your DP who told her about the abortion. If he is lying to you about it now you have to ask yourself why and whether this man really has your back.

Why isn't he Furious at the way she attacked you? He wants to move on yeah right

I would suggest OP you remain dignified and do nothing...well nothing apart from blocking her on having any intervention in your life what so ever.I would not even bother explaining to her anything at all just end it.Tell your husband (as I did mine) that whilst you love him and you married him you did indeed not marry her and whilst he is welcome to maintain any relationship he chooses with her you are not required to do so and you will continue to do everything you can to maintain your happy marriage but she plays no part in your life what so ever.Also if he could please refrain from involving you in any dealings he has with er it would be appreciated...you dont want to know anything about her ,or what she has to say going forward. Do not even think about her anymore..she is finished you are done with her.Then move on and be happy knowing you are able to enjoy life without her in it.She said some truly terrible things to you and you must be very hurt but the hurt stops today...she is out of your life due to her own venom and you are not going to worry yourself stupid anymore.Today put an end to it in your own mind and forget it and forget her....sadly time will tell her what she has lost by being unkind to you and she will have to deal with it.

I am also another who thinks your DP told her, sorry.

Also he was there for 2 hours while she hurled this abuse at you before stepping in?

He knows what she said no matter what her excuse. Why would he want you to forgive that?

I would think long and hard before tying yourself to this man and his family.

He doesn't have your back if it leaves him in an uncomfortable place.

I hate the 'I don't want to know what I said when drunk' Bullshit.

She will either know fine well what she said and hopes you don't remember it all, or has no memory and is thinking 'bollocks I hope I didn't go too far'

Personally I'd tell her exactly what she said to me, and explain that those points are the exact reasons I can no longer have a relationship with her - and leave it at that.

Your DP told her about the abortion. He stood back for 2 hours while she abused you, he now "just wants to move on" & he will not confront her.

If you stay together, this is your future. To be abused and humiliated by your MIL, while DP watches.

Imagine bringing children into this? HER grandchildren? HERS.

She loathes you, OP. This was clearly seen when she was drunk and the half-assed apology was not for you: it was a figleaf for DP so he could brush it under the carpet. Hence why she is texting him all the time: she is desperate not to burn bridges with her son.

I could not and would not allow someone in my life who was that vile to me. The problem is going to be your DP. You need to have a long, calm talk to him about boundaries and your feelings (because if he does not have your back, it's not worth the aggro of going through a marriage and most probably a divorce).

• Do YOU (not him) want her at the wedding, knowing she could get drunk and most probably kick off again?
• What happens at birthdays, Christmas and holidays?
• What happens when she wants to see your new baby?

You need to get clear answers out of DP before you walk this path. He may also need counselling. My personal feeling is that she will be a toxic influence in your marriage and it will ramp up once grandchildren are in the picture (so she can have them to herself).

He must have told her about the abortion. Even if he said something cryptic, she said 'does that mean...?' and he said 'yes'.
Also, if this went on for two hours and he only then intervened with a 'sort of telling off', that's not him having your back. I would now be saying to him that you'll always be second best in this relationship and you can't go on like that.

..because if he does not have your back, it's not worth the aggro of going through a marriage and most probably a divorce

this.

The wedding is going to be aggro - thats for sure - and you will resent her interference in your married life and your DP/future DH's pandering to her. I think he's chosen who he placates and who he lies to (abortion).

I agree... his loyalty is with Mommy Dearest... not you

What was DPs opinion about the abortion?

Is it possible he went there “venting” to mummy dearest about you and your thinking and attitude... and that’s why he doesn’t want to dwell on what she said to you because he is probably the source of her concerns and assumptions ???

Some men like to abuse their partners indirectly through someone else because it keeps them looking clean.

Forget lampung her that sonofabitch you're shackled to would be number one on my list for wanting to rug sweep it! Go no contact with Mrs Norman Bates

I agree with PP, I think the daily apology texts suggest that she CAN remember EXACTLY what she said. Being carted away from you by her son has shown her that given the choice between the two of you, he'd choose you - and now she's in damage limitation mode, thinking somehow that if she doesn't own her comments, then it's like she didn't really say them.

But she did say them, didn't she? I'd remind her what was said in the way you have done here - bullet pointed, factual, and as emotionless as possible. Clear, concise and to the point. Use quotation marks if you can remember verbatim. Then, "As I'm sure we can agree, MIL, those comments would be very upsetting for anyone to hear. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this."