Changing mind about having a baby

[Baycat]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years back in June as I wanted a baby and as he had two previous children, he said he didn't want anymore.

This was the single, most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. I walked away from the man I loved as I knew that deep down I needed to be able to have a baby, one day. Its broken my heart and these last few months have been a blur.

We have remained in sparodic contact as it was never a breakup on horrible terms. We met up last week where he said he had thought about everything and reconsidered our lives and how much he loved me.

The reason he didn't want another baby was because he had separated from the children's mum 5 years ago and he didn't want it to seem to the children that he had "left the family home and replaced them with another baby". Basically wanted to protect them and not make them feel like they was being replaced with a new step sibling. He now feels that when they are older he would feel comfortable having another baby , when the children are old enough to understand. They are 12 and 13 now and wants to wait another 5 or so years. I'm 30 now.

Whilst in one way this is exactly what my heart has wanted to hear, I feel so conflicted. If I wait until I'm 35 or so and he does decide that he can't have a baby at that point, I've pretty much put all my faith in that. He says he won't change his mind but who knows. Would you hang around and hope he keeps to what he says ? I have no reason to doubt his word but it's not having the guarantee..

I wouldnt hang around. If a baby is your number one priority, this man really isnt the one for you. Youre only 30, you could easily meet another man who actually wants a family, and have two kids by the time you're 35.

He’s pulling a fast one. I have a 12 year gap between my ds and dd from 2 separate relationships. It’s not ever been an issue. He looked after her all the time.

If you wait the 5 years, your dc won’t have any close brothers or sisters. His step ds will have left home in 5 or so years.

I’d say now or never.

I wouldn’t hang around for a ‘maybe’. You’d be wasting the last of your most fertile years waiting for his kids to be older before you can even start TTC. Also the fact you have already been through a breakup and all that emotional turmoil won’t just disappear.

He's already changed his mind from no to in 5 years. So he's fully capable of changing again. I foresee delaying excuse after excuse. It's been 5 years, not 5 months, since he separate from their mother. Half siblings happen all the time and children cope. All the time!

His dc are old enough to deal with the concept of a new baby. It's hardly unusual. Has he even discussed the possibility with them? They might love the idea! Or they might not. He has no idea so just saying not now on an assumption that happens to support him not committing to a baby now.

But are you willing to risk never having a child? On the hope he actually sticks to something he's already changed his mind about? He'll be 5 years older as well, with young adult children who are mostly independent - will he want to go back to sleepless nights and restrictions of a young child then? Or will he realise his child free late 40s (I presume) are too attractive? He'd be nearly 60 by the time he became child free again - can he cope with that idea?

He obviously loves you, but is he saying this for fear of losing you now rather than because he has clearly thought out and planned the 5 years in the future baby. Is it because he wants a baby with you or because he doesn't want to face losing you?

No way on earth would I go with this. The chance of him changing his mind, if indeed he isn't just stringing you along, is too high. Wait five years and suddenly he might feel too old. I'm not generally one for ultimatums but i think in your case i would say to him it is now or never and stick to it.

No way. Don't gamble your chance at parenthood on this. Once you hit 35 there'll be another excuse "uni is so expensive/emotionally difficult". Leave him and find someone who wants DC.

I’m going through a pretty similar thing at the moment. Walked away from my partner for the same reasons.

It’s been so, so hard. If he said now that he’d have a baby with me, I wouldn’t go back as I just couldn’t be sure that was what he really wanted.

If having a baby is what you really want then stay strong. You will find someone who wants the same as you.

No, there's no reason his dc couldn't understand and adapt to having a half-sibling at 12 & 13.

If you wait until they're grown up, they'll have no relationship at all with the baby.

He's trying to outwait your fertility.

It's a really tough one... I think you be honest it would put too much pressure on your relationship, and the next 5 years would become a 'countdown' (for you). Then, all going well if he still wants them and is ready to start trying at 35, it could take a year or more to get pregnant, and you'll be annoyed you awaited so long.
Another thing that could happen is he might say, wait another year, it's a stressful time with exams for them, or another year, something else has happened in the family.

No. Just no. You went through the massive heartache, but you knew why you were going through it. He doesn't get to reel you back in with promises to make all your dreams come true in 5 years - you'll have been together 9 years by then! Either he agrees to start TTC now, or you stay split up.

If you wait until they're grown up, they'll have no relationship at all with the baby.

^Absolutely this.

He's trying to outwait your fertility.

^And also probably this.

My DSD is 11 and is over the moon about having a little sister. We aren't using the term 'step sister' or 'half sister' - they have the same dad, it's her sister.

She struggled terribly with her parents splitting however she's now old enough to understand the concept and has fully accepted and embraced the idea of a new baby. If she can, so can his kids.

They're old enough to voice their opinions, why doesn't he ask them? Before we started TTC, we had a very casual, non-committal chat with DSD, along the lines of 'how would you feel about having a baby brother/sister one day'. Timed it casually like after an advert for baby formula or something on the telly so she wasn't suspicious, but it gave us the idea that she would be ok with it. Maybe you could suggest that?

If he won't budge on the 5 years, I'd say he probably wants you back but hasn't necessarily changed his mind about the kids thing and is hoping that in 5 years, you'll forget all about it.

No way would I believe him.

Until I got to the end, I thought you were going to say they were 4 and 6 or something.

They are teenagers, and their parents split up I assume at least 5 years ago. I think that is old enough to understand that they are not being replaced. They are coming to an age where friends seem more important than family to them.

35 is when fertility really starts to reduce. Do you think it's a coincidence he has picked this date as the time he will magically change his mind!?

To me it sounds like he’s stalling for time and making excuses.

So presumably he is counting down until his kids turn 18 & he only has to financially support one child at a time. Does he think they magically always move out & don’t need your support or have an opinion on family issues anymore ?

He thinks this is will be bad for them before 18 but by this age it will all be ok ?

This reasoning makes no sense. I don’t believe he is telling you his real reasons. If we’re you would not get back together with him & live in the shadow of his kids “supposed” needs which are really just his wants disguised as being for his kids’ benefit.

I would be concerned he will change his mind again, when you’ve stepparented his kids to adulthood he will likely turn around & say he can’t fathom going back to sleepless nights & nappies.

Sounds like he is the type to parent out of guilt, which is not a good place to teach lessons to your kids. He thinks not having another baby will protect his kids from feeling hurt about the split. But the split is a fact & people are allowed to move on. Kids are not the centre of the universe & there should be some expectsation especially as young teens that they can grow & adapt to the needs of the wider family unit. That includes you too.

Thank you all for your replies and it seems everyone is thinking along the same lines.

The reason with the children is based on the way he felt / guilt of telling them he and their mother was splitting up and not being able to see them everyday. He feels that the kids thought that it was rejecting them (in their eyes) and now it would be replacing them. I can't see either way how that would feel for the children as I don't have children of my own. All I know is he has stayed very much a part of their lives and the guilt of him "leaving" 5 years ago is affecting everything.

I would hope at their ages they could understand he is not living there with them because the relationship didn't work out with their mother, not because of the way he feels for them. He still feels like the relationship isn't the same and he doesn't want to damage that any further whilst they are still young.

The fact that I would be 35 and potentially not able to have one or have more problems doing is my main concern as most people have said.

I can see it on paper, as you all have said, but I do love him & wish we could work everything out. That's not to say it will and I appreciate all of your input.

No way. Pffft. You will meet someone else who is brilliant in the time. In 5 years you will look back with your beautiful family and think thank god I didn’t wait around for that guy!

These children are probably at school with multiple friends with half/step siblings. They will be fine as long as he deals with it openly and with a lot of inclusion and love.

He doesn’t want to and I agree, waiting til they are 18 is ridiculous.

12 and 13 is the perfect age to have younger siblings! They would love it. And as long as included in it all there should be no issues. I would not be waiting personally

5 years? Gosh no OP, don’t put your life on hold for him. And in five years if he changes his mind again...?

I know you love him but, no. There is no reason a 12 and 13 year old couldn’t cope with siblings. I think he’s giving you false promises.

I think it is no coincidence that he's waiting until his children are 18. You know that if you have a child with him, the maintenance allocated to his ex for the children's expenses is reduced to accommodate the new child. Of course, this doesn't mean that existing children cost any less money so it will be the ex +/- her current partner who picks up the slack for you and him having a baby.

As a father, he is probably aware of how much children cost and even if he isn't aware of how the law works to screw over the RP in these situations, he will know that he can't just stop supporting his older kids (or reduce his support substantially) to pay another child.

That's my guess to why 5 years (when kids are around 18) is his target.

Don't go back, move on.

Waiting 5 years to have a child with this man is a huge gamble. He might change his mind again, leaving you with a very limited time frame to establish another relationship and have a family.

Draw a line under this relationship and walk away.

Whilst I do see his point in wanting to wait until his other DC are adults when the financial burden is less, it does leave you in a very vulnerable position. If you put off even trying for a baby until your 35+ you don’t know what the outcome will be. It may well be very straight forward but what if you have trouble conceiving? It’s a risk you’re either willing to take or not really. His kids are old enough to cope (and would probably be happy) with another sibling so I actually don’t think it has anything to do with their age. I think this has more to do with the financial burden of having more children but your DP doesn’t want to admit that.

Move on. I have two stepkids. They have 3 half siblings between their parents new relationships and they've coped just fine.
DH and I discussed children early on as I was 35. He was definitely up for it and I would have left if he wasn't.
I can quite see that your ex will say he doesn't want to go back to the baby stage after his are grown, or that he's too old or something. Don't risk it.