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Original poster

Changing mind about having a baby

52 replies

Baycat · 06/11/2019 18:39

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years back in June as I wanted a baby and as he had two previous children, he said he didn't want anymore.

This was the single, most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. I walked away from the man I loved as I knew that deep down I needed to be able to have a baby, one day. Its broken my heart and these last few months have been a blur.

We have remained in sparodic contact as it was never a breakup on horrible terms. We met up last week where he said he had thought about everything and reconsidered our lives and how much he loved me.

The reason he didn't want another baby was because he had separated from the children's mum 5 years ago and he didn't want it to seem to the children that he had "left the family home and replaced them with another baby". Basically wanted to protect them and not make them feel like they was being replaced with a new step sibling. He now feels that when they are older he would feel comfortable having another baby , when the children are old enough to understand. They are 12 and 13 now and wants to wait another 5 or so years. I'm 30 now.

Whilst in one way this is exactly what my heart has wanted to hear, I feel so conflicted. If I wait until I'm 35 or so and he does decide that he can't have a baby at that point, I've pretty much put all my faith in that. He says he won't change his mind but who knows. Would you hang around and hope he keeps to what he says ? I have no reason to doubt his word but it's not having the guarantee..

OP posts:
autumnautumn · 07/11/2019 09:06

No don't go back, you are worth so much more than this.
Everything is on his terms. He was originally happy for you to help out with looking after his kids and to never have a child of your own, despite knowing that you want children. You made a sensible decision and put your needs first, something that he will never do. He is happy for you to sacrifice your dreams and doesn't care about what you want.
As for saying he will in 5 years or so.... well it could be too late then but he doesn't care about that either because it doesn't affect him. He is a selfish man and I think this is just a tactic to get you back.
Well done for walking away from this, it is not easy when you love someone but it is for the best and you will move on.

Popcornfan2 · 07/11/2019 09:19

I wouldn’t risk it.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/11/2019 09:35

Is he older than you OP?
Can you imagine? He is just over the kids being kids and they are now adults and 18 and then...... he has to start it all over again!
He won't want to!
This is a ruse to keep you hooked.
I cannot imagine wanting more kids once mine had turned 18.
I was just becomming 'free'. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

nmc99 · 07/11/2019 12:21

This happened to a friend of mine, he was always telling her 5 more years etc and (rightly or wrongly) she fell pregnant - he begged her to have an abortion saying 5 more years etc she went ahead anyway and it is clear as day how much he resents the situation

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/11/2019 12:26

Another way to look at it is

That when they hit the teen years and want to hang out with their friends,
He's going to feel abandoned, and his guilt is going to take on a whole other dimension.

Can't have a baby just in case they call me and need me for something etc

It's not going to get any better op

category12 · 07/11/2019 12:51

At their ages the dc absolutely can understand.

Your ex didn't want more dc and he still doesn't really.

He really really wants to get back with you tho and a promise for in five years time is easy to give. He might even believe himself. But five years more investment by you both - and the desperation to keep you and joy of getting you back will have subsided - and remembering the realities of going through pregnancy, the baby years etc, will bite.

If you get back with him, you've got to accept the high probability he will renege and actually the choice is still either him or having a family.

holrosea · 07/11/2019 14:17

Sorry OP but I think this is a delaying tactic or due the fact that he doesn't want to commit but he doesn't want to lose you either.

You have already made your decision to leave because you want a baby. Don't open yourself up to repeating the same emotional pain in 5 year's time when he changes his mind or you have trouble TTC, especially as the mental burden of saying "I should have stuck to my decision" will make it far worse.

You already made the hard decision and have started to move on, and you're only 30. If you feel able, cut all contact in order to heal fully and call on your friends to really help you get better. Then when you go out again, you'll be in the perfect mental space to look for and to accept someone who is on the same page as you now. Flowers

LionsHeart · 07/11/2019 19:18

He's lying to keep you in line.

He's going to keep stringing you along until your fertility has diminished and you are too old to have children.

He has no intention of having more children with you.

You are young enough to start again and have children; don't waste your time on him.

Sootybear · 07/11/2019 19:28

My DD was 16 when my ex and his wife told her that they were having a baby. She told them that that she wished they were getting a puppy. Obviously she totally loves her little brother and sister. His children will be fine if you had a baby now. I think he's just not into the idea and you'll end up deeply hurt.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/11/2019 20:08

I think it’s best to stay apart. If you really wanted him you wouldn’t have split with him and he sounds like he’s compromising which isn’t fair on a child.

TowelNumber42 · 07/11/2019 20:12

Ah so, he didn't organise his life to do 50:50 care after they split up then? Smells like he can risk your fertility to avoid them maybe feeling abandoned but he can't inconvenience his own life too much to make them feel still wanted.

LL83 · 07/11/2019 20:16

For me there would be to big a risk of getting to 35 and for one reason or another he doesnt want a baby/you cant have a baby.

The children are old enough and if you ask me more likely to be excited about a baby that at 17 which is potentially a more selfish age. He will have another excuse in 5 years.

Aloe6 · 07/11/2019 20:17

He’s already changed his mind, you can’t trust him not to change it again after the elusive five year wait. Aim to put yourself out there and meet someone with the same hopes for a family as you.

prawnsword · 07/11/2019 20:39

@TowelNumber42 also funny how he doesn’t want to have a baby because that will hurt his kids & cause them to feel displaced, however he has no issues with them accepting a new woman into their world...when it’s something he wanted in life, they had to cope!

The risk is all for OP & a big one - either way this is a win for him. After 5 more years you will be even more invested in staying. There is no loss to him, his bonus time with you.

It’s weird to me the notion of “well once I’m done with my 1st family we can start to prioritise you”.

prawnsword · 07/11/2019 20:43

To clarify- he frames it as not wanting his kids to feel replaced & he will feel guilty about that. Which would be true, but how much time & extras (I.e above child support minimums) does he provide them? Kids’ needs & desires don’t magically change once they hit 18 these days. I just call bullshit on his reasonings for not wanting a baby with you because they sound selfless - but I predict is hiding his true & more selfish feelings. Ie - he doesn’t want to be supporting 3 kids financially/lack of freedom/personal time etc

SinkGirl · 07/11/2019 20:56

Just no. They are perfectly old enough to understand now and they broke up five years ago, plenty of time for them to have adjusted and not feel like he’s rushed off to have another child. Presumably after being with him so long the kids know you as well - do you all get on?

What if you wait til 35, then it takes you 3 years to conceive? What if you want another child?

Do not base your life around him at all. I would get on with your life, try to meet someone else and not hang around for him to be ready for something he may never be ready for.

LannisterLion1 · 08/11/2019 07:00

No i wouldn't. I.know someone who waited for 4 years, for a course to finish so more reasonable then your dps excuse. 3 more years she is still waiting and he's still dragging his feet. Her chances are tiny now and because of sunken costs fallacy rubbish she can't leave him.

If you are both still single in 5 years and chose to get back together, that's different but i wouldnt wait for anyone or trust anyone who asked me to like this. I would never put this on anyone to wait around on my dithering and uncertainty.

KatherineJaneway · 08/11/2019 07:13

I do love him & wish we could work everything out.

But you can't. As pp has said, He's trying to outwait your fertility. He wants you but no more children and by saying 'let's wait 5 years' he is stringing you along.

If you want children with this man, you turn around and say no, we start ttc now or it's over. If he says no, walk away if you want children. You'll never have them with him.

AgentJohnson · 08/11/2019 07:15

If there are issues with his children he needs to communicate with them not expect everything will magically resolve itself in the most challenging period (teen years) of their lives.

He sounds at best flakey and at worst disingenuous, either way, not someone you can rely on. Do not gamble your desire to have children on his lame future fakery.

ShippingNews · 08/11/2019 07:24

How much time does he spend with the children ? 50-50 ? Or just when it suits him. I'd run a mile from him and find a genuine man who actually wants children now.

Irisloulou · 08/11/2019 07:25

He’s not wanting anymore children.
I think he’s stringing you along. As a PP has pointed out, he was happy to introduce a new women, it’s all about his needs/ wants.

Who wants to start again when their children turn 18?

Find someone else.

oreomum · 08/11/2019 09:51

He's stringing you on and I think he's hoping that you'll change your mind again

Introducing you to the kids is at least as big of a deal as having a new sibling. When I split from ex one of the first things the kids asked him was if he was having a baby with his gf. Kids that age know that there's a certain likelihood of a baby in an adult relationship especially if one is childless (his gf doesn't have kids)

5 years is such an arbitrary number - I bet that you'd be told excuses like "after A-levels" "let's enjoy being child-Free" "let's enjoy our money for a bit" "do you really want to go through broken nights?" Etc

Take it from someone who has a kid in university- he still comes home during the holidays, needs help with adult stuff like registering for the election and financial help at uni as the loan doesn't cover everything. What I mean is if he thinks the kids being 18 means that he'll have time and money to focus on a baby he's sorely mistaken. The 18 year olds could be living at home while they work

RantyAnty · 08/11/2019 10:45

No way I would waste another 5 years on him. You've already given him 4.

You're simple at different life stages. He's old enough to know this and it's very selfish of him to expect you to put your life on hold because of nonsense.

The last thing a late 40s 50s year old man will want to do when his DC are adults is to start all over with another baby. You'd be dealing with an infant and he'll be an old man.

You're only 30. You have a right to have a dream of marriage and children with someone who is at the same life stage and is all in.
How dare him suggest your miss out on it.

So yes, cut ties with him so you'll be able to find someone for you and he can find someone his own age and life stage to be with.

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 08/11/2019 10:51

I think there will always be an excuse as to why he can’t have another baby right now. If the kids don’t want a sibling in five years time? After they’ve finished school? University? There will always be a reason. He’s cruel wanting you to wait five years.

Don’t put your life on hold for him, you’ll regret it.

53rdWay · 08/11/2019 11:09

As others have said there's no magic event that happens to children that makes them happy with a sibling at 17 but not at 12. So you're not
waiting for a specific event, you'd be waiting for him to 'feel comfortable' with it, which he thinks would happen in five years.

But you don't know and he can't know how he'd feel in five years. All you can know is that he hasn't felt comfortable with the idea so far, and he doesn't feel comfortable with the idea now. If you get to 35 and he still doesn't feel comfortable, what then? Either you're back where you started except 5 years on, or you both go ahead and have a baby whose dad's heart is not really in it. Neither great.

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