DP doesn't want me to be SAHM

[Whatisnormalhere]

Hi, I'm currently a stay at home mum. I'm autistic and have social anxiety. My DP works and he wants me to work too eventually. I told him I will look for a job once our son is in school, but just the thought of it fills me with anxiety. He's only 2 years old now and most likely autistic, he has a speech delay and has autistic traits.

Currently I drive DP to and from work because he doesn't want to learn to drive. He has a fear of driving. He also won't get the bus.. if I don't take him he gets one of his parents to drive him, whom we live with in a granny flat on their property.

So I find it unfair that it's okay for him to not drive but it's not okay for me to not work. I mean.. say I did get a job once my son is in school and my partner works. I'd have to drive all three of us to work/school.

I feel like saying to him that I'll work when he learns to drive.

I have tried to talk to him about it. He thinks it is unfair that I get to be home while he works. Once he even said that he resents me for it! It's not like I'm doing whatever i want all day... I'm taking care of our son and the house, plus driving him around.

Am I being unreasonable?

Did you work before you had your son?

I don’t think him not driving is relevant to him not wanting to be sole wage earner forever. You knew he didn’t drive, it’s annoying he won’t but it’s not the same as you not planning to contribute to family finances. If you used to work then he didn’t go into it expecting to be the one wage earner long term.

You both are!

He is being VU for not getting a bus. If he doesn't want to learn to drive and needs to commute then he needs to make proper arrangements instead of demanding lifts! He isn't a teenager any more.

But you need to tackle your fears now. Use whatver support systems you have to work through your fear and start getting in some practice sessions, volunatry work, days out, whatever it takes to help you acclimatise to the reality of being a grown up and having to support yourself.

And both of you need to work on communication and understanding each others daily burden. If you can't do that then you will each resent the other, and ythat is not good for relationships of kids.

Best of luck

i think he’s taking the piss by not getting the bus for a start. Has he ever tried learning to drive? In fairness I was the same but he doesn’t know til he tries.

What childcare arrangement does he expect if you were to go to work?

I’m afraid you probably are being unreasonable. Carrying the full financial burden is stressful, and I don’t think you can equate driving with working. He would probably love to spend more time at home with your LO. How are your finances?

Yes, he should really learn to drive. But put that problem where it belongs - his getting to work is his problem, you won't drive him any more. He can learn himself, get his parents to do it, buy a bike, get the bus - not your problem.

It is both of your issues that you aren't working though. What would you do if he walked out? Or, for that matter, died? What would you live off? If you're not married you're not going to get anything other than child maintenance, and frankly it doesn't sound like your relationship is in a great place with this fundamental conflict. Ultimately having a SAHP is really only viable with the full support of the working parent, and an unmarried SAHP is extremely vulnerable.

Tbh, you do seem to be reaching for reasons you can't even try. Has your son spent any time in childcare? You don't mention any reasons he can't go. How are you treating and managing your social anxiety? What work did you do before you had your son?

I'm autistic too so I understand how this could be something that makes you anxious. However sadly the world is not going to stop turning to accomodate. Ive always worked full time, the secret is finding the right kind of work. For example I'd be awful in a client facing sales environment, so I ensure I work somewhere that is understanding of my autism and can support me. I'm sure you have skills and abilities that are valuable also, so don't write yourself off, you're more capable than you give yourself credit for :)

Well of course you're being unreasonable. Driving him to work is not the equivalent of not working at all. It's not comparable.

Get help for your anxiety, and he can get th bus when you return to work.

I also appreciate that you’re full of anxiety, once LO goes to nursery it might be good timing to get back to work, or at least some volunteering opportunities to help employability.
I do too, think you’re both being unreasonable and both need to make some changes to meet in the middle

Have you ever worked? You're in an unstable financial position as you're not married. Do you pay rent? If he breaks up with you, then you could lose your home if its owned by his parents.

He should learn to drive, and you should stop enabling him by driving him everywhere.

You are both being unreasonable. Sounds like you are both living at his parents house & so saving loads on housing costs, and then his parents drive him to work. Time for you both to take responsibility. I was back at work when DD was 4 months and then DS was 6 months. It was challenging but I had no choice as we needed the money. Surely soon DS will be eligible for nursery hours for free, so no reason why you can't get a job.

YABU.

You are looking after your son right now, but when he starts school, you'll have loads of free time. It isn't fair to expect him to be the sole earner if he isn't comfortable with that. You don't just get to opt out.

I think you need to identity some sort of work that you could do to contribute. Perhaps working from home might be an option if social situations are difficult for you?

As for the driving, just tell him that you're going to stop driving him around. Let him get the bus, or if his parents want to take him, that's their problem.

You are both being unreasonable I can't imagine it's financially sustainable for you not to work long term and forever live in the Granny Annexe.

Is he crystal clear that once you find work that he will have to take on lots of stuff you currently do?

Have you never worked?

He can't claim anxiety about driving and then have zero empathy about your feelings around working

I understand your anxiety.
Could you start of by volunteering part time. I say volunteering because as a volunteer you won't have so much anxiety about making mistakes at work since they are not paying you. Once you've gained confidence you could then go for paid work.

I do think it's unreasonable to never want to work once your son goes to school.

OP, is there a specific reason he wants you to work? Are you trying to save for your own home? Does he see it as a way to help your social Anxiety? Are you struggling financially? Are you starting to outstay you're welcome at his parents?

If you could understand his reasoning, maybe it would give you motivation to work on a solution? After all, it doesn't seem as though he's electing you to work before your DS starts school, so you've got a couple of years to explore ideas.

As for his not driving, I don't think it's relevant to you not working. But I agree it in a something that should be addressed by him long term.

You are in a really vulnerable position, unemployed and living in his parents home, and not married. He's already saying he resents you. If this keeps going thr writing is on the wall. It will get worsel It's in your interests to get back into thr work place for your own security.

Driving him now is fine as you don't work, but in future he will need to either rely on his parents or get the bus. See your gp about your social anxiety.

What bluntness said

YABU.
You drive him to work in the car and petrol he pays for, presumably?

If you get a job where you can't take him, so be it, but why shouldn't you work? Why should he fund your whole lifestyle?
If he's already resenting you you're on a slippery slope.

This is going to sound harsh but... you both have a couple of years to sort yourselves out. He can either learn to drive or to cycle or whatever, you can get the support you need to make you job ready.

Staying at home, unmarried, in a property owned by your partner's parents is NOT sustainable. Start to seek support, start to make a plan and start to get yourself into work.

Genuinely what did you think was going to happen? Were you planning to stay home for the rest of your life?

Yes, you're unreasonable. You're an adult, and he's not responsible for you, you have to fund your life yourself. Just because he has a child with you, doesn't mean he has to provide for you too. For his child? Yes.

He's being unreasonable with the driving thing, though. If he doesn't want to drive, he should take the bus. I'd refuse to ferry him about.

Have you ever worked?

I think you two need to come up with a 5 year plan as to where you want to be with this relationship. It doesn't sound sustainable with your living arrangements and you resenting driving him to work and him resenting you not working.

Does your partner have autism as well, by any chance? Is this one of those situations where EVERYONE'S autistic traits are clashing and its causing a sort of emotional deadlock?

Maybe you and DP could both do a list of issues / potential solutions and sit down together and compare them, and see if there are any solutions which jump out at both of you. I do think you need a plan, though - living forever in a granny annexe isn't really a perfect lifestyle for you or your son.

While I understand your anxiety, it is vital for you to have an independent life, not only for the cash but for your mind too.

Obviously none of us know your exact particular circs so it would be best you reached out in RL for a GP or an autism charity on which type of paid labour might be best for you.

You reached out today by posting, this is great. Now reach out in RL to people who understand autism well and can give practical help.

Good luck.

I receive government benefits which I use to pay for our food, car, petrol and internet bill. Plus whatever else we need. I live in Australia. He gives me some of his money to help pay for the car. The rest he spends on his phone bill and video games.

We don't pay rent. His parents have a gambling problem so they don't ask us to pay rent.

I agree that I can't not work forever. I'd prefer to stay home until I find a way to become self employed.
I don't want our son to go to daycare because he isn't talking. I'd rather look after him myself.

We Do plan on getting married and maybe having another child in the future. Though I know having a second child would be very stupid in these circumstances. So it probably won't happen.
We both aren't very independent people...

I don't know why I posted this to be honest. I know it's not right.

I agree that you need to come up with a plan.

Saying you wont work because he doesnt drive doesnt make sense.

The 2 things are not comparible.

But you also need to work towards getting back to work. Even for your own financial independence.