DP doesn't want me to be SAHM

[Whatisnormalhere]

Hi, I'm currently a stay at home mum. I'm autistic and have social anxiety. My DP works and he wants me to work too eventually. I told him I will look for a job once our son is in school, but just the thought of it fills me with anxiety. He's only 2 years old now and most likely autistic, he has a speech delay and has autistic traits.

Currently I drive DP to and from work because he doesn't want to learn to drive. He has a fear of driving. He also won't get the bus.. if I don't take him he gets one of his parents to drive him, whom we live with in a granny flat on their property.

So I find it unfair that it's okay for him to not drive but it's not okay for me to not work. I mean.. say I did get a job once my son is in school and my partner works. I'd have to drive all three of us to work/school.

I feel like saying to him that I'll work when he learns to drive.

I have tried to talk to him about it. He thinks it is unfair that I get to be home while he works. Once he even said that he resents me for it! It's not like I'm doing whatever i want all day... I'm taking care of our son and the house, plus driving him around.

Am I being unreasonable?

Him not driving and you not working are two separate issues. Don’t conflate them. Being a stay at home parent requires the support of the person who carries the full financial burden of the household - your DH is no longer willing to support you in this indefinitely. So I feel like you have no choice but to get yourself in a position where you can apply for work when your child is school-aged.

As for the driving - you already said he asks his parents to drive him when you refuse. So just keep refusing. When it comes time for school runs you could also refuse to do pick ups and drop offs and get him to arrange them with his parents. How he chooses to organise transportation is up to him

It Does seem like a complex situation for you both.

I think at the moment you are both a burden on each other - he has to support you all financially, and you have to do the logistical support with regards his travel and your sons care.

Have you discussed with him the driving situation and explained that how he feels about the driving is like what you feel about work?

I've had 1 job at McDonalds when I was 22. I'm 26 now. I got fired from that job for being too slow and socially awkward. I did try looking for work and I studied too before falling pregnant (unplanned)
I have very low self esteem and low confidence. I do need to see a therapist about it as well as my depression and anxiety.

Its probably a good idea not to have another baby just yet. If you're anxious about your son's development, it would be better for you to be able to focus limited resources on him for now.

Can you access therapy via the state (sorry - i dont know anything about the Australian health system)? It would be a good thing for you to do to build up your confidence and self-esteem, which would be useful in showing your DH that you are taking steps to change things.
Why is he afraid of taking the bus?

So he barely, financially supports you and your son. You live on benefits and a bit of money from him.

You live with his parents?

Why would you want to marry him? Try and get yourself financially independent asap. And leave. If he is so crap as a partner, dont marry him and dont have more kids with him.

I agree with Anotherlongdrive

He is hardly financially supporting you. If that is correct he lives partially off your benefits and off his not paying his parents rent. Do NOT have another child with this man! As Bluntness100 has said he already resents you and will eventually get rid of you. You are not in a secure position and need to do something about it. I bet he is not willing to pay for childcare so you can work and would again use his parents as he is already using them for lifts.

Has he even done the maths at how much day care costs versus you not earning?

He sounds very immature tbh

I think you need help to find the right kind of job - you do need to work for a variety of reasons- you just need to find the right sort of work. Its not good to rely on benefits long term. You need some financial security for your future. I would not have another baby any time soon. You are young you have plenty of time.

If you can't work, you can't work. A lot of people don't understand. I'm in the same position, so I understand- hugs xx

I think you can only keep explaining to your DP that you can't do it- if he can't accept that he's a bit of a twat and not a good partner for someone with a disability- to keep nagging you to do stuff you can't do.

Could you go back to your doctor and try some other medication or therapy? Worth a go. IMO I think it's people's responsibility to try their best to improve their mental health- there may or may not be a limit to what you can do workwise after you've worked further on your health.

I found cleaning (self employed) a good job for a while, as the ideal is someone gives you a key, you let yourself in, do your job and leave without seeing a soul. So peaceful! But I don't want to push you into anything you're not able to do. The rest of the world does that, as we've seen from some in this thread. xxx

"I find a way to become self employed..."

Becoming self employed would probably be even more difficult for you than getting a job working for someone else. To be blunt, it is probably just a fantasy.

There are several good employment agencies in Australia that help people with all sorts of disabilities. I suggest investigating and registering with one of them. You should go to Centrelink and talk to them, as they should be able to start the process.

The plus point of being self employed and why many disabled people, especially with mental health problems, choose it, is things like you can choose how many hours you work more easily, there genuinely is less pressure without a boss standing over you, etc, you can (in theory!) have time off when you need it more easily (although of course then you aren't earning anything.)

Working for someone else also has its advantages- that it's easier to get work etc.

Someone can be self employed but probably usually will have to accept they aren't going to become a millionaire or whatever. Something like cleaning would be realistic, not a wacky fantasy. At my height I did about 10 hours a week. A lot of people when self employed find their business takes several years to build up.

I really think your partner needs to be more understanding of your disability.

What sort of self-employed work did you have in mind, OP? Not that it's really our business, or necessarily something you should be worried about right now. Your priority should probably to get your health as good as it can be. xx

I was just thinking of the stress of finding customers, organizing and scheduling work, keeping track of finances and taxes. Perhaps "fantasy" is too strong a word, but surely all these would be more daunting than working for someone else?

You know that the longer you don’t work the harder it will be to start. As plausible the deniability that you’re son’s age and challenges are the reason you are not working you know deep down that isn’t true.

You are both parents now, you can’t keep hiding and avoiding difficult or challenging situations.

There is help out there.
Are you on DSP?

See about getting a referral from your GP for counseling. That would be a good start. You can work but it's going to take therapy to overcome your fears and thinking that you can't.

Has you DS been diagnosed? Is he up to date with his medical visits? How much screen time does he have?
Finding a play group or other social activity with CD his age would be good for him.

There's help available. Let your DP do his thing and get yourself sorted. Things will be better for you.

Just because you are autistic doesn't mean you can't work, you just need to learn some new strategies and build up your confidence and find a job which you would be comfortable doing. Look up a local charity that help people with disabilities get back to work, they usually have schemes to build on confidence and skills and often have work placements they can offer.

Your OH is BU demanding you need to find a job, he needs to understand that it is a big deal for you, like the driving is a big deal for him, and it may take you time, but he isn't BU not wanting to support you forever.

'You can work but it's going to take therapy to overcome your fears and thinking that you can't.'

Not everyone can, to be fair, and that's ok.

'Just because you are autistic doesn't mean you can't work,'

It does mean that, for some people. And that's ok.

If it wasn't sometimes the case, no-one would get incapacity benefits for autism or mental health problems. Some of us are disabled for life and can't work. And that's ok- we learn to live with it and find other ways of getting pleasure in life.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the case for OP- she might find she can at some point if she feels able, and that's great. But lots of us can't. It's not our fault and doesn't mean we've failed at meds or therapy. Being unable to work through disability is a thing- some disabled or ill people can work, some can't. Some can at some times, and not at others.

'he isn't BU not wanting to support you forever.'

Some of us are disabled, and can't work. Our partners mightn't want to support us forever, but everyone gets ill/disabled at some point in life - partners support each other. The partner shouldn't be laying it on thick about how he's unhappy about it etc- if someone had a severe brain injury and couldn't work, would we think having a partner talk that way is ok? A mental health problem or developmental disorder is just as much of an illness as any physical illness/disability. Sometimes being unable to work is permanent, unfortunately. It's ok- we find other ways of living, and we contribute other stuff to a partnership- and/or a decent partner supports us rather than berating us for something we can't help.

Don't get me wrong OP, I just don't like some of the comments you're receiving because I've seen it from the other side long term.

It took me a while to accept that I couldn't work- it was very hard at first. Even then over the years I've moved in and out of a few hours' work. Whatever the outcome (you might be able to do some stuff, and that's great) please don't berate yourself- and don't let your dh berate you, either. xxx

Why is everyone talking about him supporting the OP? Sounds like it is the other way round--they are mostly living on her benefits and the generosity of his parents. Maybe he should spend less on video games now that he has a child. Does he realize that your income may actually go down for a while if you lose benefits for a part-time job?

I agree with you a bit InterestedWomen. In our society people have to hustle to find work, usually without the help of family ties. This isn't the case throughout most of history, were people were given work to do by their family and immediate society. Still I think OP can and should strive to find some work, even just part time like you.

InterestedWoman doesn't really apply to OP.

She had a job and was able to do but did it too slowly. Obviously it knocked her confidence.

There are jobs that don't require a fast pace. Even something like volunteering a day a week at a charity shop could build her confidence.

Some of us work with and around our disabilities.

I don't think anyone wants to work... But we all have to to survive. It's life.

I work exclusively from home. I suffer depression and anxiety as well as health issues. So I had to find something that suits me. I personally did not wish to live off benefits, working pays more, so I tried lots of things until I found what suit. There will be something out there for you. So keep an open mind and an eye out.

You are both being a bit unreasonable.

Its dangerous for you and your son to be so dependent. You aren't married and if the relationship breaks down you could be in very dire straights for a start.

It is reasonable to keep being the primary provider of childcare for your son but the right nursery with a supportive ethos and good understanding of neurodiversity could be good for your son to spend a small proportion of the working week at - with the right support it could help him develop some social interaction skills.

Your plan to earn a living in some kind of self-employed way is good but you should start working towards it now. My advice would be learn to code. Get sufficiently expert at coding and noone will care about the things you are less good at. There are sites where you can pick up coding piecework tasks that you complete at home. Its low paid at first while you prove yourself but can give you the experience you need to start earning a proper living eventually.

You already know the answer, you need to get a job. You can’t rely on someone else to provide for you and your child. What if he becomes unemployed?

Yes you have to work to pay for children.

Earn money and self respect

You are both being unreasonable. You can't just unilaterally opt out of working and leave all the financial burden to your husband.

But he also shouldn't expect lifts like a teenage boy. It's fine if he can't drive but needs to get places under his own steam.