DP doesn't want me to be SAHM

[Whatisnormalhere]

Hi, I'm currently a stay at home mum. I'm autistic and have social anxiety. My DP works and he wants me to work too eventually. I told him I will look for a job once our son is in school, but just the thought of it fills me with anxiety. He's only 2 years old now and most likely autistic, he has a speech delay and has autistic traits.

Currently I drive DP to and from work because he doesn't want to learn to drive. He has a fear of driving. He also won't get the bus.. if I don't take him he gets one of his parents to drive him, whom we live with in a granny flat on their property.

So I find it unfair that it's okay for him to not drive but it's not okay for me to not work. I mean.. say I did get a job once my son is in school and my partner works. I'd have to drive all three of us to work/school.

I feel like saying to him that I'll work when he learns to drive.

I have tried to talk to him about it. He thinks it is unfair that I get to be home while he works. Once he even said that he resents me for it! It's not like I'm doing whatever i want all day... I'm taking care of our son and the house, plus driving him around.

Am I being unreasonable?

what benefits are you on? Are they benefits because you can't work?
or are you talking maternity benefits/child benefits?

what did you do before children?

Hi OP, the law is different in Australia for unmarried couples. If they qualify as de facto (2 people in a relationship, not married, but living together on a genuine domestic basis) then they can access a wide variety of rights. People here are talking about UK law and they are wrong.

Also, in Australia you can get a MH Care plan via your GP for 10 sessions per calendar year with a MH professional. You need to ask your GP.

Good luck.

Do you and your husband like each other?

This sounds like a pretty miserable setup.

Hey! I live in Australia too.

I’m worried what would happen if you had to start paying rent, could you afford this?

Australia is TOUGH for job seekers, you should consider atleast trying to look around for something to suit as it could take awhile. I find employers take MH / disabilities with more care here than in the UK.

Can his parents help with childcare if you started working?

I do think you should also consider that it might be good for your son to spend some time in a daycare setting. At the moment he is 24/7 with a depressed and anxious parent, an angry and resentful parent and a couple of gambling addicts. It might be nice for him to have a change of scene. The Australian benefits system seems a world away from our own. Would you still get benefits no matter how much your partner earned?

Are you getting parenting payment or a disability support pension OP?
It’s been a couple of years since I worked in community welfare and housing but if you’re on DSP and live somewhere cheap you can just about survive on a combination of family tax benefits and DSP long term but it won’t give your child many opportunities in life. Parenting payment will stop when your youngest is in school (or 8 if you’re single) and you’ll be shifted onto Newstart which is too low to live on.

Your life will be very hard if your relationship ends and you have to find housing in the private rental market. Public housing is in some ways much harder to access in Australia than the UK. You are better off using this time to work on improving your employability.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar
You’re right RE rights for de facto partners, however it doesn’t sound like the OP’s partner has any assets she can claim anyway?

Hi, I am overwhelmed by the responses. For those asking I get parenting payment partnered and family tax benefits.

It was only once my DP said he resented me and it was awhile ago. But I tend to hold on to and remember the negative things he has said to me. We do generally get along well, we have the same interests and such. Though I believe he has borderline personality disorder which I got him to see a GP about. He also suffers from depression.

Thank you @Interestedwoman for being so kind and understanding.

I don't think anyone else will really understand.

As for someone mentioning a down syndrome girl doing very well at McDonalds. I'm glad to hear that. I think she did so well because her disability is obvious. But when you look at me you can't see that I have a disability... so people just think I'm lazy or rude when I just find it difficult to communicate in social situations. It was a bad working environment for someone like me. A disability job seeking services got me that job, but once I didn't like it I wasn't allowed to leave it. I had to keep going till they fired me. Which was about 6 months.

When I didn't have a job I was either at home or studying. I did a handful of courses and dropped out of most of them. I tried looking for work but was constantly being knocked back. Life at home was terrible... my mum was in an abusive relationship and I lived with her, him and my 5 younger siblings. There are many factors that have contributed to me being where I am at now.

I don't know what self employment I should do. I have looked into a lot of different things the past few years. I want it to be some kind of online job. Maybe like blogging or proofreading?

I try to take my son out so he interacts with other people. I just don't feel comfortable leaving him in the care of people I don't know. My DP parents are in their 60s and are busy doing their own things so can't babysit him. My mum lives 2 hours away. My dad isn't in my life...

I will try to see the GP soon about Mental Health care plan.

I think the best thing you could do for your son is to put him into nursery/daycare. He needs professionals to assess him and get him the services he needs. He will be fine, OP. Don't use him as a crutch so you don't have to work.

To be horribly blunt, your update suggests that there is a poor (negative rather than financially) family history on your and your DPs sides of the family - Mental illness, addiction, abusive relationships, absent fathers. If you are going to break this narrative, for your own children, and free them from having to carry that chain of suffering in their own lives then you need to act.

Counselling or therapy for your family history and what that has done to you.

Job coaching or basic skill building courses for yourself.

Putting your DS into day care one day a week so he has exposure to other emotional atmospheres and interactions.

Building your social network

Good luck

I'm not using my son as a crutch.
What is wrong with wanting to be at home with him?

FTB will cease when your child is 5- although if you get an assessment you may be able to get a carers pension. Early intervention therapies are vital if you think your son may be ASD too- but they cost money too- so sorry you do need to start looking for real work. Probably a bit sooner than you like. He'll be in full time kinder at 4. Your current situation is precarious to say the least. Your housing isn't stable, and have you been put on any parent first courses yet? Cause they will be coming. Home businesses rarely work without a crap load of time and effort- and even then depending on what it is it remains hard work for not much reward. You need to start having a bit more a realistic perspective. Centrelink will not let you give your son all the opportunity he needs with early intervention, and a home business will probably not be successful. You need to sort out secure housing, some retraining for you, and early OT intervention for your son.

What is wrong with wanting to be at home with him?

Nothing's inherently wrong about enjoying being at home with your child. What's wrong in your situation is that your whole setup is unstable, volatile, and liable to collapse one of these days, and the only way you can get any stability is to start working. This environment 24/7, as PP pointed out, is also distinctly suboptimal for your child.

Seriously, what would you do if you could no longer live rent free? You're dependent on people who are not dependable, at all. You clearly want to throw up your hands right now at age 26 and say you're incapable of working, ever. I can't say whether that will turn out to be the case, but you are an awfully long way from having tried everything, and avoidance just makes issues worse. You owe it to your DS to make more of an effort to break the cycle of your and your DP's upbringing and find a way to support yourself. And if what PP say is true - and I admit I know nothing about the Australian benefits system - you will be in a worse pickle when your child is school age if you don't take some action now to try and prepare yourself to re-enter the workforce in a manageable way for you.

Don't rush to any decisions but try to get as much support for your disability and mental health as you can. Also support for your child's needs and workplace/careers advice though I accept you may not be able to work or earn a lot.

You need to try and give yourself as many options as possible for the near future as this situation isn't sustainable.

Lots of us want to be home with our babies. I certainly did but had no choice at all.
You said about his speech - you might find being surrounded by different children and adults this might help improve speech?
What about a childminder rather than nursery?
You could find a job where you don't have to speak to general public. What courses have you done?

I've never been supported financially by a man and would never expect to be. What if he would prefer to stay home and you support him? Would you?

It's not really fair is it?

I'd not expect to be driven every where either but they are not really the same issue.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay home with your baby, but after a time that stops being a right (maternity leave) and becomes either a luxury or you become entrenched in the Centrelink system.

You & partner don’t have any joint assets so your defacto status is not relevant to your situation. You live with his folks so if relationship ends your housing will be the concern. You are not on disability pension so you would get single parent payment & presumably Newstart payments. You will need to show you are actively job seeking during this time period. If you are facing homelessness with a child then you can probably be escalated up on the Department of Housing wait list.

Also if it took you 6 months to get fired then you were presumably doing your job OK & made yourself get fired. Your work was fine, you just didn’t enjoy the work. But that is just life sometimes.

It is not cool to decide to not work & think taxpayers should have to pay for your lifestyle - and I walked into a Centrelink 1st time ever at 35 this year after escaping an abusive relationship. They are there to help, but it’s no life you want to live off long term. You survive but don’t thrive.

"I don't know what self employment I should do. I have looked into a lot of different things the past few years. I want it to be some kind of online job. Maybe like blogging or proofreading?"

As I've said, you're just procrastinating with these ideas and aren't being practical. These sorts of jobs are very hard, to come by, very hard to make a living from and are mostly scams. You are probably going to have to get a job working for other people. Go and see some disability support employment agencies and go to Centrelink. Even if you want to be self-employed somehow, you are going to need a lot of support and they can provide it.

Going by what you've said here, you need to understand that you're going to harm your son and contribute to his unhappiness if you don't at least get him into a nursery setting where he can get exposure to other environments and learn to speak.

You can have whatever mental health conditions, thats not the point. The point is there's a small child involved here and keeping him at home is you failing him and making his life harder.

This isnt about you, or your dh, its about your boy.

Stuck at home with an anxious, unsocial mum, a dad who is emotionally up and down, and grandparents who are addicts... and he is already showing signs of autism... yeah.. you need to pull your finger out and take action for him.

I understand it's hard to make changes but you really can put an end to the negative family cycle that's been imposed on you.

Like another poster said, your GP and getting a mental health care plan would be a great first step for you. Have you tried any medication for depression and social anxiety?
My GP always mentions getting in 30 minutes brisk walk daily even if you have to force yourself to do it. Put your son in the pram and off you go.

Like another poster said a job with computers might be good. I believe there are Cert IV in Networking and Cybersecurity available.

Putting aside the emotional side- is it practical for you to work- ie can you earn more than the benefits plus childcare costs?
I thought part of the condition of the benefits was to have some sort of job search /training plan any way?

Prioritize your child. If he needs you, he needs you. He's only small once. A bunch of strangers on the internet can be concerned over what is morally "right" for you to do, but it's your life.

And your DP doesn't want you to work for the right reasons anyway. It sounds like he literally resents that you get more time to be at home than he does. You're not paying rent or council tax, and you have benefits. He contributes towards the running of your car then spends the rest of his pay on himself?! I hope he at least shares the costs of bringing his child up?

What I will say is that when you are able to find a job you enjoy, it will give you some personal independence that you will value. You can stay with him because you want to and not because you don't really have any other option. (And when you do go back into work, be careful about money. If all he contributes to your shared finances is partial car costs, don't let him stake a claim on your wages.)