Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4

Relationships

How to make it tolerable until the inevitable separation

79 replies

RexDangerVest · 05/11/2019 19:13

We've been together for 8 or 9 years. Committed to 2 children and a house together. Not married. It's been a long time since things have been really good. We've had phases of lots of arguing/being quite nasty to one another/threatening to leave. Now we mostly just get on with it and don't have too much to do with each other. We don't have sex (or any physical contact actually), we speak about the kids and practical things but don't show any interest in each other - to be honest I just gave up because he just looks irritated when I try and chat! We don't go out together, rarely even eat together. I know we'll split at some point but I won't leave him now - it would be a disaster I know and way worse than current situation. I'm fine really, I've basically emotionally detached and I know I'll be fine on my own when it happens. I'm not interested in finding love or romance. I'd like a dog instead. So I suppose I'm just thinking what now? Do I try and make an effort even though deep down I know we're doomed? I do still like him a bit and don't mind spending time with him but he's so shitty towards me I don't really feel like he deserves my efforts! But then we can't really go on ignoring each other for the next however many years

OP posts:

Report

RexDangerVest · 18/11/2019 21:02

Oh I'm sorry @DreadFull its so overwhelming isn't it. I think you need to take a minute to get a plan together. I've been going over and over things in my head today and I feel like I'm building a picture of the future and it's making me so much more determined. However I understand that financial worries are scary, I can definitely imagine DP trying to screw me over out of spite.

OP posts:

Report

DreadFull · 21/11/2019 08:18

Thanks @RexDangerVest, it is completely overwhelming.
Feeling a little better now, just frustrated that I am stuck here for now. I just need to look forward to a better future and start making plans on how I'm going to survive financially.
I know I'll be ok, I can do this! I do need to have a conversation with DP though, that's really going to be the hardest part. I'm almost certain he has checked out too, maybe it will be a relief for him. I feel like neither of us want to be the bad guy so we are just plodding along pretending all is fine.

Report

dottydolly72 · 22/11/2019 09:50

I seem to be going round in circles. I have said over and over that maybe this just isn't going to work and we'd be better off separating. It falls on deaf ears, my H is convinced we can get through the bad times and be stronger than ever. What he's not getting is I actually don't want to. I've also discovered he's very controlling- it's like a light bulb has gone off inside me! I'm taking tiny steps to gain back some sort of control. I totally get that empty feeling, living a lie is no fun at all. 😐 hope you all have some lovely weekend plans.

Report

DreadFull · 23/11/2019 09:42

I was meant to be going for a job interview today, but I don't have the documents they need so I cancelled it. Feeling totally useless, I can't even get that right.
But I spent some time working out that if I can ever find a job I can make it on my own financially.
@dottydolly72 making tiny steps is all we can do. Trying to stay positive, make plans for the future and concentrate on that. Just feeling very up and down emotionally though and it's so draining.
I got that lightbulb moment too. Speaking to a friend made me realise my DP is not really the nice guy I thought he was. I feel like such an idiot to have got myself in this position of not being able to escape.