How to make it tolerable until the inevitable separation

[RexDangerVest]

We've been together for 8 or 9 years. Committed to 2 children and a house together. Not married. It's been a long time since things have been really good. We've had phases of lots of arguing/being quite nasty to one another/threatening to leave. Now we mostly just get on with it and don't have too much to do with each other. We don't have sex (or any physical contact actually), we speak about the kids and practical things but don't show any interest in each other - to be honest I just gave up because he just looks irritated when I try and chat! We don't go out together, rarely even eat together. I know we'll split at some point but I won't leave him now - it would be a disaster I know and way worse than current situation. I'm fine really, I've basically emotionally detached and I know I'll be fine on my own when it happens. I'm not interested in finding love or romance. I'd like a dog instead. So I suppose I'm just thinking what now? Do I try and make an effort even though deep down I know we're doomed? I do still like him a bit and don't mind spending time with him but he's so shitty towards me I don't really feel like he deserves my efforts! But then we can't really go on ignoring each other for the next however many years

[DreadFull]

I was meant to be going for a job interview today, but I don't have the documents they need so I cancelled it. Feeling totally useless, I can't even get that right.
But I spent some time working out that if I can ever find a job I can make it on my own financially.
@dottydolly72 making tiny steps is all we can do. Trying to stay positive, make plans for the future and concentrate on that. Just feeling very up and down emotionally though and it's so draining.
I got that lightbulb moment too. Speaking to a friend made me realise my DP is not really the nice guy I thought he was. I feel like such an idiot to have got myself in this position of not being able to escape.

[dottydolly72]

I seem to be going round in circles. I have said over and over that maybe this just isn't going to work and we'd be better off separating. It falls on deaf ears, my H is convinced we can get through the bad times and be stronger than ever. What he's not getting is I actually don't want to. I've also discovered he's very controlling- it's like a light bulb has gone off inside me! I'm taking tiny steps to gain back some sort of control. I totally get that empty feeling, living a lie is no fun at all. 😐 hope you all have some lovely weekend plans.

[DreadFull]

Thanks @RexDangerVest, it is completely overwhelming.
Feeling a little better now, just frustrated that I am stuck here for now. I just need to look forward to a better future and start making plans on how I'm going to survive financially.
I know I'll be ok, I can do this! I do need to have a conversation with DP though, that's really going to be the hardest part. I'm almost certain he has checked out too, maybe it will be a relief for him. I feel like neither of us want to be the bad guy so we are just plodding along pretending all is fine.

[RexDangerVest]

Oh I'm sorry @DreadFull its so overwhelming isn't it. I think you need to take a minute to get a plan together. I've been going over and over things in my head today and I feel like I'm building a picture of the future and it's making me so much more determined. However I understand that financial worries are scary, I can definitely imagine DP trying to screw me over out of spite.

[DreadFull]

How is everyone doing today?

I saw my dad last week for the first time in ages. He sent me a message yesterday asking if everything is ok, he felt like there was something wrong. It made me cry, is it that obvious to everyone that I'm feeling like total crap?
Feeling totally lost today. In my head it's over, still too scared to say it out loud to DP. I don't think he is going to react well, and I don't have a clue how we can separate, financially it is impossible right now. I don't know how to carry on living like this though, I'm so unhappy.

[RexDangerVest]

I've never felt more alone as I have the last few days. I just want him to know now that I'm going to carry on. I've said it but he just dismissed me. I'll talk again later when kids are in bed.

[DreadFull]

So sorry @RexDangerVest
No advice about what to do next, I'm stuck there too. I feel like I can't ask him to leave, and I have nowhere to go. Such a crap situation, it's horrible being trapped with someone you don't want to be with.
Get yourself well first, take some time to think about your options. I just re read your OP and realised you are not married as well, I don't know if that makes things easier or harder. I guess living together until you can sort things is not going to work if he is being awful to you.

[RexDangerVest]

Sorry if I'm a bit incoherent it's a chest infection and I feel like I'm dying

[RexDangerVest]

It's done, it's over. What do I do? He won't leave I need to think what to do next and I'm so ill he's just been awful to me and made it so clear I can't carry on

[Shinypatina]

Thanks Dreadfull, I don't think leaving is the right answer either but how do you stay put with a man you don't even like much? Hopefully these negative feelings will fade and essentially the good probably still outweighs the bad as far as my dcs lives go.
Whilst I don't have a job, there is money that I can potentially lay claim to, not sure what my entitlement to it all would be but I'm sure it must be a sizeable amount having 3 dc etc. so I am not completely powerless, plus our house is worth a fair bit too. But I know now that I will be looking for a job (most likely part-time when dc3 starts school) because it is a horrible situation to be in. I always thought I was doing the right thing for the dcs in staying home - always someone to attend assemblies/holiday cover etc. but I feel uneasy that this is now the right thing for me. I've never had a career either - usually landed mediocre jobs, envy women who have built careers a bit now, it makes it so much easier for them to take control over their lives.

[HeyNotInMyName]

Still reading and no it’s nit pathetic. I think a lot of women are in a similar situation.
I think the answer lies in women having a job.

I remember my mum telling me ut was essential for the couple because the woman having a job gives her a power she doesn’t have as a SAHM. I didn’t listen at the time and dint think much of it. But I think it’s true. Much easier for a man to do as he pleases if he also knows you can’t rock the boat. Plus there is some empowerment in KNOWING you can leave (even if you don’t do it). You can afford not to accept as much shit basically.

[DreadFull]

I'm still reading Shiny. Sorry things feel so bleak, but you're not pathetic. I'm in a very similar situation, and it's not easy. Having DC's who rely on you and no income essentially makes you trapped, that's how I feel and I know it's my own fault. I'm not sure if leaving is the right answer, take your time to think things through. It really is such a massive decision.
I know I have reached the end of the road in my relationship, but need to stick it out for now as there isn't any other option.

[Shinypatina]

Sorry for the epic post, trying to get my thoughts straight. If anyone has time or inclination to read through that lot, thank you very much x

[Shinypatina]

I've booked a counselling session and trying to clarify things in my head (hope there is someone still bobbing in and out of this thread).
It now comes to light that dh has been watching (alright relatively soft porn) in secret for the past 5 or so months. The secrecy thing is really nagging away at me. He says that he didn't want to pester me and I think he thought this was the preferable option. I not only feel betrayed because he has been watching a much younger woman on TV but this secrecy thing doesn't sit well with me. I might be exaggerating things but it's like finding out you're not married to the person you thought you were. Before all of this I had some respect for him - hardworking, supportive with dcs etc. but now this - whilst all these other things still ring true, I am struggling with the respect and trust aspect. I keep questioning things like what has he been doing when he has been out with this friends (he doesn't go out all that often but I've got visions of him leering at women and/or making lewd jokes). We are not talking about a young man here either, we are talking about someone who is fast approaching retirement. Then he tells me that one of the men he has spoken to told him they check into a hotel to watch these films and this man is married, dh must of thought that what he was doing was normal and harmless, I can't get my head around it. Apart from anything I don't agree with the potential exploitation that can happen in the porn industry.
I have 3 dcs. I feel trapped. DH is a high earner and this enables my dcs and I suppose me to have a good quality of life - if the dcs need paid support for something they can have it. Meanwhile, we live in a lovely house (I had a dream last night that when you looked closer at the interior of our home, it was filled with ugly polystyrene tiles but from a distance was impressive - I think this just about sums up how I am feeling). I am a sahm having given up my job to look after dcs - no extended family and never any easy holiday cover etc. this has worked well me being at home because there is always someone there for the dcs. The logistics of separating just seem overwhelming both in terms of caring for young dc and trying to find paid employment (been a sahm for many years and fairly happy with this situation). He says to me do I really want to leave and bring everything down - the answer is if I was on my own I would but my young dcs keep me pinned here and I feel pathetic even writing that. Feeling rubbish at the moment and hoping things will improve over time.

[Shinypatina]

I spoke to DH last night about the issue and he has agreed to stop watching it and weirdly says he had no idea that I would be this upset. I hope we can move through this but he has gone so far down in my estimation and I am hoping that time might help (I have young dcs so this induces me to try and sort things out). He is not the man I married if that makes sense or whom I thought I married many, many years ago.
Dreadfull, we are probably a similar age. It only hit me this past year - eyesight starting deteriorating and all sorts of other minor niggles, so that definitely isn't helping and yes, I am convinced I am in the throws of perimenopause. I have also thrown myself into a project which I get a lot out of and it is really helping me and giving me something to focus on. I have a toddler at home and finding me time is really tricky with everyday demands, I am considering booking myself a short break away. Thank you so much for your responses, I am very grateful that you've taken the time. Wishing everyone well on this thread x

[SurvivingMyLife]

Shinypatina I don't think it matters what anyone else thinks of porn. If that hurts you then he should respect that and acknowledge it and he should be willing to at least discuss not watching porn again with you. He should care that it hurts you. If he's not willing to talk I think all you can do is decide if its a deal breaker for you or what it would take for you to feel OK? Would some boundaries around it and feeling heard and acknowledged help or is it happening at all a deal breaker? Would marriage counselling help? If the way he's treated you is a deal breaker then I'd start planning, looking at finances and saving if you can, work out how you can separate.

[DreadFull]

The dcs have probably picked up on things being off. We have had some terrible arguments recently, which is unusual. I'm normally so laid back and just get on with things, but making the decision to leave has made me stop caring.
I'm also sleeping in youngest dcs room at the moment, weirdly DP has said nothing about it.
Really we have just been living like friends for the last 9 years or so, which I was fine with. But in the last year a few things have happened that have really made me question what I want for my future.
I'm also most definitely going through the perimenopause, which might explain my rage at everything DP does. I can really relate to the feeling older and low self esteem.
I think it gets easier. I've been unhappy for a while, but have started to take more time for myself, thrown myself into projects etc, which has really helped my self esteem. I like myself a lot more, and once finances are sorted I actually think I can go it alone and I will be fine.

And you're right, it's totally about how he has made you feel. If he can't acknowledge how hurt you are then how can you move on.

[Shinypatina]

Dreadfull, sorry to ask so many questions but how long as it been like this for you - has it got easier over time?

[Shinypatina]

Dreadfull - have your dcs picked up on anything being wrong? My eldest is likely to twig and I will end up looking like the bad guy because "mum is on her computer again," so I don't know how to play it really. I'm going to have another chat with dh later but honestly, I can't get my head around it. What's worse over the past few months I have been spouting off about how wonderful my dh is - how helpful and supportive he is with the dcs etc.

When I read the threads about porn it seems that I am wildly overacting but it is how it feels 'to me' and it feels seedy and a betrayal and whilst I would like to believe that it was an occasional habit, I don't know anymore and I feel like I'm doubting everything. I am pretty sure I am going through the perimenopause and have a bit of added weight following dc3's birth, I have felt older this year and my esteem is at a low ebb, so dh watching a younger woman with everything on display, really doesn't help.

I really thought that my dh was one man I could trust and that we would grow old together (even if it was in an affectionate way). My parents had a disastrous relationship and my upbringing was very difficult, I took pride in how well we pulled together and how the dcs are thriving etc. Things feel sort of ruined and yet, dh doesn't think he has done anything majorly wrong because 'a lot' of men do it. Still, it was wrong to do it when the dcs were in the house (probably asleep) the door wasn't locked and they could have potentially walked in on him. No wonder he was so keen on occasion that I went to bed and gave him a bit of wind down time! Feeling so much anger and resentment. Counselling definitely needed. It's weird, I'm putting on a front to the outside world and living a sham, no-one would guess, I don't think. Putting on a front is tiring.

[SurvivingMyLife]

I don't trust my DH anymore either. He's been so angry this year. Yelling at me in front of the kids, kicking stuff around and scaring them and me. He hasn't done it for a few months, after the last time I said if he scared the kids again we'd separate. But I don't trust him anymore. I told him that and he's done nothing to try and regain my trust. He acts like it was nothing, his excuse is well you yell. And actually I hate yelling and I'm working hard to stop. But he won't see the difference between him yelling in and angry and aggressive way and scaring me and the kids, versus me yelling at the kids to do xyz when I've asked the several times politely to do it and where they're never scared of me and half the time just laugh at me and go on doing whatever they were. If he'd listened to me and apologised sincerely and taken responsibility for his behaviour I think we could get the trust back but he hasn't, he just keeps blaming me for his anger.

[DreadFull]

Shinypatina, yes I have 2 younger DC, but they are not so young that they need constant care. I disappear when DP gets home, although I am still around. DC come and join me sometimes, but they are usually busy doing their own thing.

I totally get the losing trust and respect. When we find out secrets, whatever they are, it damages things. Sometimes it's impossible to get back to how things were.

[Shinypatina]

Dreadfull, do you have dcs at home? I'm trying to hide in other rooms too, difficult when you have young children because obviously they need caring for. In fact I have left my dh to do the bulk of the childcare in the evenings so I can stay out of his way and try and get some headspace to think it through - definitely need counselling. I appear occasionally to help out and to be available for my dc whom I love very much. I hide because I am sniping and raging too - mainly because of what I found out recently (he has been watching late night porn on adult T.V. whilst me and dc have been upstairs, presumably asleep. He assures me this has only been an occasional thing and that it is mild but he has still been watching a much younger women on show - I caught a bit of it because he taped it by accident and that's how I found out). Whilst I am trying to rationalize this, I am struggling, the worrying this is that I have lost trust and respect in him, at least we had that before.

[DreadFull]

Shinypatina, it's good you've organised some counselling, I hope it helps. Living with someone you don't like very much is emotionally draining, particularly trying to put on a front for the children.
I've completely detached myself emotionally, and avoid DP as much as possible. I don't even think he has noticed how unhappy I am, I sometimes wonder if he is just as unhappy. I really should speak to him about it, but I know when I do it will be the end of us.

@Artandlove
I'm sorry you are in this situation too. I don't think I deal with it at all, ignoring it right now is my only way of staying sane. I hide in other rooms of the house when DP is home, otherwise I am just constantly sniping at him because everything he does makes me rage.

I did try and make an effort to fix things, but it was totally rejected. In my head I'm done with it. Just waiting for that lottery win so I can escape.

[Shinypatina]

Thanks for responding Hey. Yes, I am in the process of organising some counselling. I've just read another thread about the frequency of sex with young children/teenagers/perimenopause and it looks like it does take a dive and whilst ours was on the low side, I still struggle to accept that dh turned to visual aids if that makes sense and that I caught him out. Also, it seems that some couples are able to maintain a degree of closeness even if this aspect wains and I'm not sure we have had that either. Having counselling would help put things in perspective I think. I feel sad about the ways things have turned out - I can't see myself leaving to be honest, at least not anytime soon but I don't like my dh very much anymore and I need some guidance as to how to make the best of a bad situation and try and rebuild if that is at all possible. My dh also was extremely unpleasant when I spoke about separating he- implied I wouldn't cope and he would take custody and that he was not going anywhere i.e. leaving the house. He was probably afraid of losing the dcs more than me but this is obviously very controlling behaviour and my respect for him has gone through the floor.

[Artandlove]

Similar situation going on here too, I just don’t understand it all. I can’t recognise him anymore and he’s so distant. I’ve tried and tried to talk to him but it goes nowhere, he can’t seem to answer a question directly and his behaviour continues to be appalling - why does he not just put an end to the relationship?!! It’s infuriating.

How are you all managing to deal with this on a daily basis? Do you feel this is a sort of emotional abuse? How did you manage to emotionally detach OP?

Hoping we all come out the other end of this soon - stay strong 💪