How to make it tolerable until the inevitable separation

[RexDangerVest]

We've been together for 8 or 9 years. Committed to 2 children and a house together. Not married. It's been a long time since things have been really good. We've had phases of lots of arguing/being quite nasty to one another/threatening to leave. Now we mostly just get on with it and don't have too much to do with each other. We don't have sex (or any physical contact actually), we speak about the kids and practical things but don't show any interest in each other - to be honest I just gave up because he just looks irritated when I try and chat! We don't go out together, rarely even eat together. I know we'll split at some point but I won't leave him now - it would be a disaster I know and way worse than current situation. I'm fine really, I've basically emotionally detached and I know I'll be fine on my own when it happens. I'm not interested in finding love or romance. I'd like a dog instead. So I suppose I'm just thinking what now? Do I try and make an effort even though deep down I know we're doomed? I do still like him a bit and don't mind spending time with him but he's so shitty towards me I don't really feel like he deserves my efforts! But then we can't really go on ignoring each other for the next however many years

@GetOffTheTableMabel career currently is part time and low wage but I do have savings and we have completely separate finances so as long as I'm careful with money I should be ok. Hopefully will get more hours at work next year when youngest starts school.

The danger is that he meets someone else and wants to make a go of it with her, at which point you’ve lost control of the timescale because he’s made the decision. So, be mentally and financially prepared for an earlier finish than you might like, if you’re determined to stay with him.

Have you told him how your feeling?

Not yet but I was planning to talk to him either this eve or tomorrow so will keep you posted!

If your children are growing up in an atmosphere where the adults are not kind to each other it will damage them more than you think. Whether you like it or not, his is teaching them how to talk to and be talked to by people to that they are closest to, how to be supportive, honest, loving ( or not) and how to manage conflict.

My husband and I were the same, but he refused to entertain the idea of separation. Now we have agreed and he will move out next year as soon as we can afford it. We are generally fine in front of kids and can actually communicate better now we've called time on it than we did before. If you havent had the we need to work on it otherwise there's only one way this is going chat with him though, at least give him that opportunity

I was in a similar situation several years ago. I decided to stay - I felt we were doing the right thing bringing up the kids in a secure family home etc etc. Also, it wasn't necessarily his fault I'd fallen out of love with him; I did still quite like him...

Anyway. He then embarked on a long term affair with a 'family friend'. After 2 years of disquiet & gaslighting (he'd constantly tell me how unhappy I was making him by my 'coldness', whilst hand waving away my spidey senses about Ms Lovely Who Me & The Kids Really Like, She's Such A Good Mate, You're A Paranoid Bitch) - I eventually called his bluff & kicked him out.

He then behaved appallingly. I could write a book - god it was grim. He put a huge amount of effort into shafting me financially, tried to control various elements of my & the kids' lives, & still feels himself to be the hard done by victim.

It's hurt my dc enormously & years on the shockwaves are still rippling through them.

The dc & I have moved on, & things are good, but still.

I should have been honest that I didn't love him anymore & was just staying for the stability. He should've been honest that if he couldn't have me adoring him as he felt was his due, he'd feel entitled to look elsewhere.

We both hugely fucked up.

Talk to your H. If he won't talk, you have your answer...you're done & need to make practical arrangements to split amicably.

It's an almighty bomb just waiting to go off, otherwise, as soon as one of you finds a reason to leave - usually someone else. All that pent up unresolved misery has an excellent chance of exploding & raining shit on everyone.

Thank you for sharing that @PurpleCrowbar - it's definitely got me thinking. I have to admit I've started imagining lots of possible scenarios and wondering how they would play out. He's working late A LOT & lots of it is networking/sociable stuff with alcohol involved. The way things are atm if an opportunity presented itself how could he not be tempted? I'm not connected to work in any way, I wouldn't have a clue.

He's only just on his way home and has had a drink so will wait until tomorrow to talk

Would you consider counselling?

Or is it beyond that?

I agree with PP that it's very unhealthy for children to grow up with their parents in a dysfunctional relationship.

It sounds like your DC are still very young (pre-school)?

I'd be putting plans in place to leave eg savings, increasing working hours, finding out about benefits etc.

I'm in a very similar situation & almost out - but it has taken me years longer than I intended to get myself in a better position.

Oh I just started a thread but it could have been this one. Pretty much the same situation here. I can't imagine leaving now as the kids are too settled in their lives, but I secretly hope I leave at some point.

@RexDangerVest

I think sometimes you have to spell it out in black and white for men for them to hear you. It's not about giving an ultimatum but rather saying something like this.

"I'm unhappy enough that I want to end our marriage. What do you think about that?"

Short and to the point.

When I spoke to dh about what he wanted from our relationship he said nothing but shrugged his shoulders. That action told me everything and I made my own plans and was / am the bad guy all because he wouldn't communicate and be honest himself.
Im sad so many of us are in this situation

@Pickitup I imagine that is the exact response I will get!!

*I think sometimes you have to spell it out in black and white for men for them to hear you. It's not about giving an ultimatum but rather saying something like this.

"I'm unhappy enough that I want to end our marriage. What do you think about that?"

Short and to the point.*

This is good advice! I often feel like I've got absolutely no where after a conversation.

And it's a bit of a headfuck if they will only change when you at the end of your tether.

Do you want to continue with someone who operates like that? Who only makes an effort when you get to the end of your rope?

I'm going through this, it's awful, especially when everyone around you appears to have good marriages. I feel lonely and isolated.

I hope you don't mind me posting here, I am struggling at the moment and don't even feel like I can start my own thread.

I could have written you post op. The thing about the dog resonated with me so much. I have 3 dc teen to toddler and cracks have been beginning to show - put it down to toddler, sleepless nights, the fact that I seem to be extremely hormonal etc.

My dh is older than me and I have to say he is good with supporting me with house and dcs when not working, so it all seemed fairly tolerable and ticking over). I have been engrossed with a project and tend to spend my me time on that. Anyhow, I found out by accident that my dh has been watching adult channels (he must have inadvertently press record) to help him relieve himself (whilst me and dcs are upstairs including teenage daughter). He says it is only once a week etc and pretty mild stuff and I am naïve to think this doesn't happen - also keeps calling me a prude. I know loads of posters will say it's harmless and they know their OH does it but it makes me feel sick and being near him makes my skin crawl at the moment. The problem is I have lost trust and respect in him for doing this and I'm not sure how to ever get it back. When I mentioned that I wanted to leave he said that I couldn't cope on my own (I have struggled with toddler and infant aged child who has behavioural issues but this has settled down a bit history of anxiety and depression but nothing that has stopped me taking care of my dc and their needs (eldest is excelling at school thanks to my input) but I am scared that I will lose my dcs and they are all I have (no extended family). I can't bring myself to tell my two close friends, I just can't do it but I will arrange to see a counsellor. I feel trapped, totally trapped, sahm for years (stop work to look after dcs) but only ever had a mediocre job really but at least worked. Youngest dc starts school in 2 years plus dh gets a massive lump sum from pension, I'm thinking this is the time to act, if I just can't move pass this porn thing. Sorry rambling, hope I haven't hijacked post, just relief to actually say what is happening for me.

It is all wrapped up in guilt of course, I know the dds think a lot of him. I can't bring myself to make an almighty change.

Shinypatina is very apt - smile for the outside world, feel like I'm hollow on the inside (accept of course my dcs bring me lots of joy).

I'm in the same place OP. I think separation is inevitable for us. DH never listens to me, we can't even begin to discuss our issues. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me though he won't say either way. But there is so much going on and I don't actually feel like I'm in a good headspace to make major decisions and get them right. And DH won't do it. So it's uncomfortably coexisting while I sort out all the other issues. Sometimes getting along OK, glimpses of past happiness, which is more painful then the times we're barley talking.

I don't actually feel like I'm in a good headspace to make major decisions and get them right.
This, surviving, I quite agree. I don't have anyone to talk to in real life but I think talking about it would help and sooner or later need to enter counselling. It was quite a big thing posting on here today. Things aren't clear cut and dh is supportive and does help with the dcs, its just this latest thing, I don't seem able to move pass (he wants us to attend marriage counselling to work out what he can do and also I think to have it ratified that what he has done is deemed as normal - perhaps it is, again I can't think clearly but it just doesn't feel right). Co-existing and promising ourselves things will get better once little dc gets older but I just don't know after this. But then again feel like I can't break up the home because of dcs and something which might be to do with me. Self esteem low - lower still now but I've promised myself will do more things for me and throw myself into things that matter to me.

I'm also in the same boat. I hate my life right now, but circumstances mean I am stuck here for the foreseeable future. We get along ok mostly, but there is no love or physical connection. I just feel so lost right now.
It's been like this for such a long time, but the last 6 months have been particularly hard. I realised I don't want to live like this anymore, I can't not be loved for the rest of my life.
Typing that out loud is a relief. Weirdly we haven't even spoken about separating, it just seems so final. 26 years is a lot to throw away, and I just feel so sad about everything. Comforting to know there are other people in the same position.

I know what you mean dreadful. 16 years together here. I've been with DH all my adult life. I'm currently too ill to work. Despite the lack of support and the gaslighting and how worthless he makes me feel doing it without him seems unfathomable. I sometimes wish he'd do something really bad, instead of the low level emotional abuse and moods and occasional angry outburst. Something that would push me to leave, something that would justify breaking up our family. I can't even seem to sustain anger at him, I just feel so sad and heartbroken.