Is my DP controlling me?

[fudgecakelova11122]

I've namechanged for this in case he somehow reads it.

I've been with my DP for 4 years, but because I have a child (6 year old boy) I've only just moved in with him 2 months ago. Previously we had spent every weekend at his, he has commitments for most of the weekend so it would be a few hours here and there we saw each other.

I'm massively beginning to question things. He is very set in his ways, which he always has been. Down to doing washing on a certain day and buying certain dishcloths etc. He hates to run out of thing so stockpiles and hordes.

behaviour wise, its stupid small things. we don't leave lights on at all. I know this is ideal but it isn't a small annoyance for him, its a massive deal that has resulted in him shouting at DC and being mad all morning. I "upset him" a couple of week ago because I "wouldn't ask for help" doing my dinner (I'd said don't worry about it love, i'll sort it as you are out soon. ) which resulted in a big problem and him not speaking to me all night. later I was upset as a health problem that i'd thought was sorted happened again and I told him I needed to be able to talk to him and I couldn't. His response was "well you upset me earlier". If he is annoyed with something he hangs on to it for hours, this is stupid minor things like I've not responded in the right manner or I've not been 100% cheerful and happy. The house is freezing and he refuses to put the heating on as he isn't there.

financially I earn about 1/3 of his wages. he wanted to split bills 50/50 which I told him I couldn't do. we split it so I pay for all shopping (works out about £400 a month). If we go out for dinner etc then generally I pay. He won't let me buy carrier bags from the supermarket as I should be trying to save money.
he was cross last week because I didn't shop in the supermarket he wanted me too. Tesco is 10 min drive up incredibly busy, horrible roads and asda is 15 mins on a quiet route. I went to asda. before he went out he told me to go to Tesco then 3 hours later the first thing he asked me when he got in was where i'd shopped. He wouldn't leave it alone, told me it was ridiculous to waste the fuel going to asda etc. kept nagging at it.

Everything has to be done in a certain way. I cook dinner and his rules are no pie based meal two nights in a rule (I did steak pie one night then cottage the next night as I was flat out and it was in the freezer). also only mash 4 nights a week. I am a bloody good cook and I 'broke' these rules one week and I wasn't well!

I was very ill a couple of weeks ago and he stayed very much away at his parents house. wouldn't think of helping me.

he told me he would supply me with hay for the horse this winter as he has loads. this was 4 months ago. yesterday he asked me if i'd sorted out a supplier yet, no mention of him sorting it. he got in the other day and said he thought I was annoyed with him in the morning. I'd been my normal chirpy self!

Stupid stuff (there is more though) but I feel wrong footed. Its like i'm waking up and my life is how he thinks a girlfriend should be, not how I am.

opinions?!?

To be fair he does say thank you for cooking most of the time.

And then he tells you off for cooking the 'wrong' thing as determined by him.

How many of the house rules did you get to set? Or has he set them all?

Are you going to leave him?

He is massively controlling. To pick just one example, OP - why on earth would you think it was ok for him to order you to go to a particular supermarket? And then check up on whether you did as you were told like a good little girl? Jesus. He has really done a number on you. Do you really want your child growing up seeing his mother treated like this?

Actually lazy I didn't think it was okay - when he got back that night I told him I was 35 years old and would shop where I damn well pleased. Last weekend I refused (in a polite and cheery manner) to go anywhere with him until he stopped taking his bad mood out on me. I DO stand up for myself. I just shouldn't have too.

I don't have much choice @ReceptacleForTheRespectable

Good for you. I think getting out of this situation will feel like a weight off your shoulders, even though it might not seem it now.

I am still aware I am feeling guilty about even thinking those thoughts @ReceptacleForTheRespectable - I feel awful because as far as he is aware we have a good relationship and we are happy. But at least I KNOW I'm thinking like that and can see it in a detached manner.

Oh my God save your kid years of nitpicking, put downs and bad moods!

Dead right you shouldn't have to! Don't feel awful - if he were behaving like a reasonable human being, you wouldn't be having to consider ending it. The fact that he thinks your relationship is all fine just shows how little idea he has of what a respectful and equal relationship should be like! You have nothing to feel guilty about!

I think if you have to come on here with a post titled ‘is my DP controlling me’, you already know the answer OP!

Please don’t blame yourself for his behaviour and letting it get to this stage. These things can happen very slowly and we often overlook the small things down to love and care for our partner, until they can get away with more and we start to get those niggles that something isn’t right. To be honest OP you don’t sound too happy either in this relationship and that’s more than enough reason to get out and find a lovely guy who will value your happiness and independence (they exist!)

as far as he is aware we have a good relationship

Another way to describe it, is that he is getting away with it because you are not stopping him.

So sorry for you and your child.

Please don’t inflict this batshit controlling arse on your child any longer.

Yes he is controlling you. He's very set in his ways, that's one thing, so are a lot of people but the fact that

1. His 'rules' are completely random and arbitrary means you have no way of guessing what they are and
2. The way he completely and utterly overreacts if you get one of these 'rules' wrong

This would signal massive warning flags to me

This is why I will NEVER live with a man again.

i DO stand up for myself. I just shouldn't have too

And

But i'm beginning to think it is fine as I seem to be avoiding doing things to piss him off

You’re only 2 months in. In 2 years there’ll be a lot more of the second and a lot less of the standing up for yourself.

I’ve been there. I stopped doing things, seeing friends and family, gave up hobbies because ExH just made it all so difficult.
He also had an arbitrary set of rules and I was usually wrong whether I followed the rules or not. Always stupid petty stuff so if you tell anyone your sound mad.

You need to move OP, the bloke is a nutter in his own home. Possibly you can still have a relationship - but you can't live with this loon. No fucking heating unless he is in - wtf

Have you looked at any houses near by?

Living together is very different from spending weekends. Stuff that can be tolerated for 48hrs is now permanent.
He may not be able to tolerate you in his space after all. It sounds miserable.

OMG, how much would a crust from a slice of bread cost? 1p?

I'd think someone was absolutely batshit crazy if they told me they had a no pie based meal 2 days in a row rule.

The only time that might be acceptable is if it related to pastry pies only and was for health based reasons, but it sounds like this guy just has a problem with something if it's named as a pie.

My god he sounds tedious and painful to live with. If I moved in with someone and they started acting like that I think i'd be walking around with my mouth hanging open in shock every time he came out with one of his ridiculous criticisms!

No heating on unless he's there- don't the rest of you count as people, and people need to keep warm enough?

Pies- well a shepherd's pie isn't the same as a pastry pie.

He sounds like he has issues, but ones he doesn't see as a problem, and you shouldn't worry about- just stop being involved in them by moving out. x

Your DS is only young now, have you thought about him as a teenager? How will your DP cope with that? That could be a real challenge for him, how will you manage that?

He doesn't think he could cope with DS dad in his life, so will you deny your DS the opportunity (if it arises) of a relationship with his dad?

You say the relationship is good a lot of the time, is that when you're 'conforming'?

Quite frankly, none of this sounds good at all!

A person mean with money, is mean with everything, including emotions.

For my sons sanity (and my own) I would make plans to leave. This mans behaviour is extreme and will only get worse. Don't live on the 'good' times....

This sounds like a waking nightmare OP. Like you are a prisoner in your own home/life.

Get out and no you don't have to justify it to anyone!

He is an arse. Walk away while you still can.

I feel very guilty even thinking this - he thinks all is fine of course as long as you stick to his rules.

He will annoy me, tweaking my hair and touching me when I'm busy. I'll have to ask him to stop 6 or 7 times then he makes me feel like I'm being bad tempered

That is a bit like poking a bear until it bites.

You ask him to stop and he ignores you and ignores you and ignores you and ignores you and then its all your fault.

That is him showing you he WILL keep doing it, because he can.

He is generally lovely with DC but strict. Nags him about finishing crusts on sandwiches etc as they cost money

Why is he strict with YOUR son?

Because you bought the bread out of your money, what has it got to do with him?

Why do you & your son have to sit in a cold house?

Before long your DC will be sat at the table crying as he has to eat every last crumb.

I bet he doesnt want your son's father getting involved anytime soon, as he would lose control.

I would be off for my sons sake then my own in a heatbeat.