Is my DP controlling me?

[fudgecakelova11122]

I've namechanged for this in case he somehow reads it.

I've been with my DP for 4 years, but because I have a child (6 year old boy) I've only just moved in with him 2 months ago. Previously we had spent every weekend at his, he has commitments for most of the weekend so it would be a few hours here and there we saw each other.

I'm massively beginning to question things. He is very set in his ways, which he always has been. Down to doing washing on a certain day and buying certain dishcloths etc. He hates to run out of thing so stockpiles and hordes.

behaviour wise, its stupid small things. we don't leave lights on at all. I know this is ideal but it isn't a small annoyance for him, its a massive deal that has resulted in him shouting at DC and being mad all morning. I "upset him" a couple of week ago because I "wouldn't ask for help" doing my dinner (I'd said don't worry about it love, i'll sort it as you are out soon. ) which resulted in a big problem and him not speaking to me all night. later I was upset as a health problem that i'd thought was sorted happened again and I told him I needed to be able to talk to him and I couldn't. His response was "well you upset me earlier". If he is annoyed with something he hangs on to it for hours, this is stupid minor things like I've not responded in the right manner or I've not been 100% cheerful and happy. The house is freezing and he refuses to put the heating on as he isn't there.

financially I earn about 1/3 of his wages. he wanted to split bills 50/50 which I told him I couldn't do. we split it so I pay for all shopping (works out about £400 a month). If we go out for dinner etc then generally I pay. He won't let me buy carrier bags from the supermarket as I should be trying to save money.
he was cross last week because I didn't shop in the supermarket he wanted me too. Tesco is 10 min drive up incredibly busy, horrible roads and asda is 15 mins on a quiet route. I went to asda. before he went out he told me to go to Tesco then 3 hours later the first thing he asked me when he got in was where i'd shopped. He wouldn't leave it alone, told me it was ridiculous to waste the fuel going to asda etc. kept nagging at it.

Everything has to be done in a certain way. I cook dinner and his rules are no pie based meal two nights in a rule (I did steak pie one night then cottage the next night as I was flat out and it was in the freezer). also only mash 4 nights a week. I am a bloody good cook and I 'broke' these rules one week and I wasn't well!

I was very ill a couple of weeks ago and he stayed very much away at his parents house. wouldn't think of helping me.

he told me he would supply me with hay for the horse this winter as he has loads. this was 4 months ago. yesterday he asked me if i'd sorted out a supplier yet, no mention of him sorting it. he got in the other day and said he thought I was annoyed with him in the morning. I'd been my normal chirpy self!

Stupid stuff (there is more though) but I feel wrong footed. Its like i'm waking up and my life is how he thinks a girlfriend should be, not how I am.

opinions?!?

Get out now before you are pregnant!!!

I will ask you the same question that an earlier poster asked: have you ever seen the movie starring Julia Roberts called "Sleeping with the Enemy"?

I was only halfway through your first comment and already I was thinking, "her partner seems just like that terrifying sociopath in Sleeping with the Enemy"!

Enroll in the Freedom Programme so that you can learn to spot red flags.

Of course he can be lovely and charming part of the time. He does that deliberately as a strategy to keep you under his control, to keep you in the relationship with him.

Start making plans to get out now!! You've only lived with him for two months, so what was your living situation before that, were you living with family?

Yes living with family before.

He's fine the majority of the time, but it is shifting a bit and he isn't like he used to be.

Mask is falling off.

Of course he isn't like he used to be!

Now that he's persuaded you to move into his house, he knows you're in a much more vulnerable position, much more beholden to him. He thinks you'll stay with him so he can let the charming, "nice guy" mask slip off and he can show you more of his true self. He's betting that you'll stay with him, under his thumb, and that you'll learn to live with all of the control, the draconian rules, the punishments. Get out now before he crushes your confidence and self-esteem.

To put it bluntly I don’t think he really likes living with you and may even be relieved if you left him

OP, I have seen this kind of behaviour before and it stemmed from the individual having been raised in poverty, and fearful they may have to ever go without and so they hoard and are very money conscious. Do you know what his upbringing was like?

Yes, this is the beginning

It’s easier to leave today than it will be in future

The longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to save yourself/your son

These scenarios never turn out any differently. The sooner you get out, the less damage you’ll suffer.

Family are very money conscious but very definitely not poor!
Yes I don't think he really wanted us to live together - he was reluctant. But gas said he doesn't know why he made so much fuss and he likes it.

My stbx is like this. Tried to dictate where I could park for work, where I shopped, what I blew my nose on (I'm not joking) where I kept things in the fridge . Lots and lots and lots of seemingly small things. I ended up lying to him a lot to avoid the fallout. Or changing my ways to avoid it. It us controlling. It's abusive. It's why I left. I totally understand though, as when you live with it, it almost becomes normal. One thing in isolation can seem petty , but add them all up and it's every single aspect of your life. Get out for your son's sake, and your own.

One more thing - I'm overweight, have been since I met him. If I try to lose a bit he always says that in old photos of me when I was slimmer it didn't suit me being that thin. Incidentally I've lost a stone and a half in the new job, but since then he hasn't once commented on my appearance when before he would tell me I was gorgeous etc. Also if I cook a nice dinner I get called a 'good woman'. He will annoy me, tweaking my hair and touching me when I'm busy. I'll have to ask him to stop 6 or 7 times then he makes me feel like I'm being bad tempered! Grrrr!!!

Oh dear.......

It's not working OP, you know this.

Not good for your child.

Start looking locally for somewhere else to live.

💐

"I want pie and mash every night, and for that reason I'm oot"

You cant live like this its awful. Its not normal to feel like walking on eggshells all the time. You’d be better leaving honestly

You are miserable and he's not going to change. I think you know what you have to do.

Nottalotta that's awful. My ex used to tell me I hadn't put the pans away correctly! When they were put away EXACTLY as he put them away. Or I was lighting the gas stove incorrectly. Or if I left tea in the teapot overnight it was "disgusting and there are people who would NEVER put up with that".

I should have poured it over his fucking arrogant controlling wanker head and walked out.. but he had me thinking HE was right and I was wrong.

Once you get away from abusers it gets better and you see them for what they are. It can be like Chinese water torture.... a slow drop of noxiousness...

I mean DRIP... arghhhh

OP he is abusive and controlling and it's only just beginning. Move out asap.

Oh god, I want to come over and help you pack your bags! How on earth can you put up with him?

And before I left I'd take 78 of those loo rolls to a food bank.

Fucking hell, yes, he is massively controlling. You're not allowed heating when he isn't there?!?

Get out, now. Seriously.

in four years, he never once contributed to fuel cost of me driving 150 miles a weekend to see him

He showed you who he was right from the beginning. He must be amazed at his luck in finding someone who would put up with this.

Definitely do the freedom programme when you leave him, as there were so many red flags on this guy it's unreal.

A decent partner will share the legwork and costs of a long distance relationship. And won't ever try to set rules about what you're allowed to do or cook.

Has he EVER been in a live-in relationship with a woman, OP? If so, how did that end? Because he's coming over as someone who thinks that everyone thinks and behaves as he does, and you are somehow 'weird' for not doing as he says and does.

The thing about him dictating where you were to shop, and what you were to cook would be enough for me. He either eats what is put in front of him and is grateful, or he cooks himself.

You need to get out. He's going to get worse and worse, because he can't see how wrong he is. You'll end up going to bed at six pm to save electricity (speaks from experience).

The weight thing is the same as the DS dad thing - he sees them as threats. What a insecure little man.

Thank goodness you've realised just 2 months in. He sounds like an ex of mine who I would take out fishing for the day with his young son. The man didn't even know how to tie a hook onto his line but would stand guard over the tackle box like a dog in a manger and continuously nag us to put everything back into the right place in my tackle box.

I managed to stay attached to that joyless loser for 5 more years, even after he became violent, so you're doing much better than I did OP.

He's not your partner. He's your boss. Or at least that's what he thinks

The only acceptable comment to someone who cooks for you every night is " thanks, that's lovely" all these rules about what you are allowed to make when it is YOU doing he work?

He's got it good, hasn't he?