Is my DP controlling me?

[fudgecakelova11122]

I've namechanged for this in case he somehow reads it.

I've been with my DP for 4 years, but because I have a child (6 year old boy) I've only just moved in with him 2 months ago. Previously we had spent every weekend at his, he has commitments for most of the weekend so it would be a few hours here and there we saw each other.

I'm massively beginning to question things. He is very set in his ways, which he always has been. Down to doing washing on a certain day and buying certain dishcloths etc. He hates to run out of thing so stockpiles and hordes.

behaviour wise, its stupid small things. we don't leave lights on at all. I know this is ideal but it isn't a small annoyance for him, its a massive deal that has resulted in him shouting at DC and being mad all morning. I "upset him" a couple of week ago because I "wouldn't ask for help" doing my dinner (I'd said don't worry about it love, i'll sort it as you are out soon. ) which resulted in a big problem and him not speaking to me all night. later I was upset as a health problem that i'd thought was sorted happened again and I told him I needed to be able to talk to him and I couldn't. His response was "well you upset me earlier". If he is annoyed with something he hangs on to it for hours, this is stupid minor things like I've not responded in the right manner or I've not been 100% cheerful and happy. The house is freezing and he refuses to put the heating on as he isn't there.

financially I earn about 1/3 of his wages. he wanted to split bills 50/50 which I told him I couldn't do. we split it so I pay for all shopping (works out about £400 a month). If we go out for dinner etc then generally I pay. He won't let me buy carrier bags from the supermarket as I should be trying to save money.
he was cross last week because I didn't shop in the supermarket he wanted me too. Tesco is 10 min drive up incredibly busy, horrible roads and asda is 15 mins on a quiet route. I went to asda. before he went out he told me to go to Tesco then 3 hours later the first thing he asked me when he got in was where i'd shopped. He wouldn't leave it alone, told me it was ridiculous to waste the fuel going to asda etc. kept nagging at it.

Everything has to be done in a certain way. I cook dinner and his rules are no pie based meal two nights in a rule (I did steak pie one night then cottage the next night as I was flat out and it was in the freezer). also only mash 4 nights a week. I am a bloody good cook and I 'broke' these rules one week and I wasn't well!

I was very ill a couple of weeks ago and he stayed very much away at his parents house. wouldn't think of helping me.

he told me he would supply me with hay for the horse this winter as he has loads. this was 4 months ago. yesterday he asked me if i'd sorted out a supplier yet, no mention of him sorting it. he got in the other day and said he thought I was annoyed with him in the morning. I'd been my normal chirpy self!

Stupid stuff (there is more though) but I feel wrong footed. Its like i'm waking up and my life is how he thinks a girlfriend should be, not how I am.

opinions?!?

It's threads like this that make me glad I'm single 🙄

I feel very guilty even thinking this - he thinks all is fine of course.

This house is your house too. I would get him out of your home asap; he has no real legal rights here to remain in any event.

He was never a good friend to you; this is a person who likely latched on to and targeted you deliberately because of your single parent status. This relationship should now be at an end.

It would also be a good idea for you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

"God how has this happened?!? I'm a sensible, strong woman, I'm opinionated (his word there!) and I know my own mind".

As I mentioned you were in all likelihood targeted. Many abusive controlling types like supposedly strong women (however there may be too a weaker sense of self esteem and self worth which they pick up on) to bring down to their base level; they see such as a challenge. Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people.

The house is his Attila, I moved in with him.

Funny that, when we first met on a dating site he said he didn't want to date anyone with a child but could we be friends. Which we were for 3 years. He has since said he couldn't handle the child's father being in the picture at all. My DC has never seen his so I think he felt it wouldn't impact. But I do know, he has pretty much laid it out, that if for whatever reason DCs father did want to have a relationship with him then DP wouldn't cope with that and I suspect would end it.

Initially I would have said sounds like OCD. As I continued to read more, it sounds like a combination of that plus something else, but most definitely there is a mental health issue... personality disorder... and he is also abusive and controlling.

This reminds me of a post ages ago about someone with a horse whose partner wanted her to give the horse up because she was earning less and said they couldn't afford it. Whether you are the same poster or not ... I hope not, as I really hope she left him and kept the horse!! ..... I think you should cut your very minimal losses and move out. Shame you are only just finding this out about him now, were there no red flags before you moved in?

And no you are not a failure. A failure would only be if you spend the next 5 to 10 years or more putting up and shutting up and allowing the abuse. Even then, not a failure. But a shame... get out before it gets worse and you waste precious years of your life. Go enjoy your horse!

You wrote "the house is mine" earlier but the house is infact his. Are you named on the mortgage?. I would not stay in such a house anyway even if I was.

I would tell him this is no longer working for you and would move out as soon as you can put your stuff together. Your son should really not be afraid about leaving lights on in this house.

There were red flags all over with this individual even when you first started dating him. Hence my suggestion to enrol onto the Freedom Programme; your boundaries in relationships need revising and this man has done his bit here to further erode and otherwise damage those.

No @Gemma1971 that wasn't me!

Probably were red flags, but tbh I'm not that good at spotting them!

He’s just not very nice
And this is why he is single and lived alone
But it sounds like there were enough warning signs before you moved in, I think leave now before you are having to count baked beans for your tea in the dark with the heating off or showering in a bucket in the garden

You are not a failure here but you will fail both yourself and your son in turn if you remain with this man for what are really your own reasons.

OP have you ever seen Sleeping with the Enemy (Julia Roberts film)? Your DP is worse than her husband!

You must leave. Your DS will see how he treats you and think this is normal. Do you want him growing up and treating women this way?

Ah no @AttilaTheMeerkat - the HORSE is mine!! Blooming iPhone.
Yes I think you are right. I'll look into the freedom Programme- I think it may be a good idea. Thank you.

I actually think he needs professional help about this. He's obviously got some real issues about money, and I wonder if he even knows why? People don't get like that for no reason.

Have you had a proper talk to him about it? Could you encourage him to get some help?

My ex was autistic and he was obsessed with saving money (it was one of his "special interests" and he was always trying to find cheaper ways to do things, and better places to save etc). It wore me down though, and it is one of the reasons we are no longer together. He wasn't a controlling person as such, but it DID stress him out when the things I did didn't match with his own frugality.

I would give him an ultimatum. He either speaks to someone professionally about this, or it's done. It's no way to live. I can't tell if he's controlling as such in other ways or whether it's just this (which is STILL controlling, but could be a solvable issue) but it's entirely up to you whether you'd be willing to give it a little time and perhaps find a way forward with some help.

If he doesn't agree then he doesn't deserve your efforts.

You sound like you hate being there but you still love him.

So why not move out and keep dating him? Not everyone is able to live together. If he still makes you happy. However that oppressive shouty atmosphere is no good for your child. Or you.

Going forward you need to become far more aware of red flags because a poor choice of relationship not only affects you but your DC as well to their detriment.

Definitely enrol yourself asap onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid.

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Another article I would suggest you read is this one by Dr Joe Carver called the Loser
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

There are two separate things. The tightness and the controlling.

Tightness isn't an attractive quality but it's how some people are. It sounds like you are incompatible in this respect (most people would find living with that level of stinginess impossible. I'd be tempted to give him 2p or something every time you leave a crust or a light on for 2 min). Other things like stocking up on things is again annoying. As is being so set in your ways but it isn't necessarily cruel.

Some of his behaviour is just unkind eg not looking after you when you are ill.

But the rest of his behaviour that you describe is very very controlling. He is micro managing your life. Nowhere have you said you've agreed these rules (eg you have a joint goal of retiring in 5 years and want to save every single penny and now you're not sticking to it). Its him that decides what you cook, and he gives you the silent treatment if you 'break his rules'...that's the definition of controlling.

In normal relationships, people make joint decisions about what and when they eat, they compromise when they disagree about most things (I like x, he likes y, we compromise and get something with features from both, or take turns choosing, etc. etc). If they disagree they either agree to disagree or talk about it and find a solution, not one party withdrawing affection until they get their own way. They can be in whatever mood they like (as long as they're not always taking out bad moods on the other person) and the other person understands. If one person is quiet or upset or down, the other asks them what they can do to help, or does practical things to help (if I see my husband is tired and grumpy I'll do more with the kids and he does the same as we know the other can probably do with a break) - they don't have a go at the other for not behaving in the way they want and expect.

He hasn't compromised, he is expecting you and your son to fit in with his numerous (petty and unrealistic) rules and even tries to control your mood and behaviour by punishing and rewarding what he considers bad and good moods etc. This is why you need to leave - if you have to pretend to be 100pc cheery while finishing crusts you dont want, in a cold house, you can never be happy.

Also one of the worst things was 'he wont put the heating on because hes not there's- he doesnt even care that his partner and childs basic needs are met.

Attila she said the horse is hers. Which is lovely but doesn't help her living situation

Could sleep in the field I suppose @Sparklfairy!

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat I'll look into that.

Too many red flags, trust your gut and get out now. I knew deep down as soon as we moved in together but I stayed 8 years, had children and now even though I'm gone he's still trying to control and abuse me via the kids.

Well that speaks volumes doesn't it? Couldn't cope with the father of your child being on the scene? What sort of emotional immaturity is that? He seems to view you as a possession/inferior? Whatever the reason, every update just makes it clearer you need to move out sooner rather than later.

You can continue to date him but do not continue to live with him. He is very very bad for your DS. He might end up being the male role model your DS aspires to be and that would be terrifying. He’s also financially and emotionally abusive.

Please, please, please leave him before you get suckered into this any further. You need a partner who looks after you when you're poorly, listens when you want to talk, is grateful when you cook and lets the little things go. That's what love is – you deserve that and your little boy deserves to see you happy and in a healthy relationship that he'll emulate one day. X

My step dad is like this. An absolute miserable git that everyone tip toes around. I moved out as soon as I could. Don't waste any more time on him op. You don't need a big explanation for him - you need a relaxed home and you're not currently living in one. Time to go.

It is not working .

It won't .