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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trusting DH on nights out after affair

59 replies

Primrosedot · 03/11/2019 15:37

DH has a 3 month affair with a work colleague which started at the work Xmas party last December. He didn’t know the OW until that night and took her back to his hotel room after knowing her for 3 hours. Then meet up with her on three further nights. Ive given him another chance, we are trying to make things work, he has changed and grown up, it’s like a new relationship but.... I don’t trust him yet.
One big issue is this years work xmas party. Months ago when I first decided to stay with him he promised he would never go to another Xmas party at this company. Note- he has been for drinks and a couple of Nights out with friends the last few months (getting easier, but I do still think about what he could be getting up to) and it’s not like I want to control what he does etc. But he mentioned his week about going to the “start” of the Xmas party and coming home early. I’m so upset about this, the date is the same as last year and will be hard enough for me to think about without him actually being at the party again (same date, same bar, same people- although she no longer works there so it’s no about that). It’s just so hurtful that he would think it’s ok to suggest that to me. I’ve not gone to my Xmas party many times due to clashes with his work/ no childcare etc, it’s not a big deal. Or am I being unreasonable and should just get over the party issue? It’s just this particular party not any other parties/events. It’s the memories and pain it brings me to even think about it.

OP posts:
Ginnymweasley · 03/11/2019 15:41

I dont think you are being reasonable tbh. He should be wanting to earn your trust back and if that means missing his xmas party then so be it. Have you told him exactly why you are struggling with the idea? Sorry you are going through this.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/11/2019 15:45

He's not taking you seriously enough, he thinks he's done enough to keep you quiet. If he was truly sorry he wouldn't be suggesting going to the party.
Sorry, but he doesn't care enough.

TubbyMcTat77 · 03/11/2019 15:46

YANBU. He broke your trust. He should be doing all he can to reassure you and make things better not returning to the scene of the crime. Honestly if he is prioritising a night out over your feelings after cheating on you then I would have serious doubts about a future with him.

On a side note I hope that you're having lots of nights out with your friends as well not just waiting for him to roll in all the time?

AmIThough · 03/11/2019 15:52

He obviously hasn't grown up that much... YANBU!

SunshineAngel · 03/11/2019 15:56

Look.. you're not being unreasonable in that it's normal to worry if someone has broken your trust, but I do wonder whether you can really ever move past it.

The reason I ask is because you say the date is the same. So what, do you have a diary of the dates he cheated on you, and "Cheat-aversary" dates? That's a little bit weird. It doesn't matter what the date is, so I don't know what you mentioned that.

It sounds to me like you were incredibly upset and traumatised by the incident, which is fair enough, but unless you're willing to wipe the slate clean and start again with absolute trust, there is no point in being in this relationship. You will wind yourself up with thoughts of what might be going on, and he will be getting annoyed that he's missing out on things.

Incidentally, cheating can occur anywhere, any time. There's no point fixating on parties and nights out. You can meet someone anywhere and cheat, and even if he doesn't seem to be going anywhere there's always emotional cheating, or cheating during work hours. You can't try to control him like this, you will end up hurting yourself.

If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way. If you want to maintain a long term relationship with this man, the only way is to trust him not to cheat of his own choice, not because you're taking away the opportunity.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/11/2019 15:58

Him suggesting this would tell me all I needed to know about what he thinks of all this deep down. I'd dump him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2019 15:58

Hasn't been a year yet and the party is more important than your feelings.

Also, a man who is truly contrite would be thinking of ways of making you feel better and doing them. A man who just wants to 'get away' with it asks like a whiny child asking for permission to do things he wants to do So that you then have to agree (which makes you feel anxious and worried) or disagree (which makes you feel controlling and nagging). It's a dick move.

I suggest saying, "I'm not your parent, I don't give permission, I would expect you to make a decision that prioritises our relationship".

MrsAgassi · 03/11/2019 16:00

As far as he’s concerned you’ve forgiven him and it’s over. He’s not considering the impact it continues to have on you.

I can’t believe he’s got the cheek to even suggest going.

Thegreymethod · 03/11/2019 16:05

I don't think he's taken you seriously enough that he's even suggested going again, you're not being at all unreasonable for being worried, he's got a nerve!! It's not even like it was a few years ago and the dust had settled....... if it was me, (wrongly or rightly) I'd be telling him no chance

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 16:08

I simply couldn’t ever trust him and would end the marriage.

OldWomanSaysThis · 03/11/2019 16:08

Is this the culture of the company? I worked at a place where there so many affairs between employees the Xmas dinner/party became a very awkward event for the spouses. The company turned the dinner into a lunch on a workday, no spouses invited. That was the culture of the place.

The fact your DH so easily and impulsively had sex with a co-worker he claims to have just met - I don't know - he's too easy. There will be a next one. The culture of the place may have normalized it, too.

Dadaist · 03/11/2019 16:19

I think he needs to be reminded that there are consequences that cast a very long shadow. If it’s too soon for you then it’s too soon. If you had prevented him going out then it may seem controlling-but you haven’t.

userabcname · 03/11/2019 16:26

Ask him if you'd cheated on him at a work christmas party would he honestly be ok with you attending again the very next year? I agree with pp who say he hasn't nearly taken this seriously enough. Tell him to forget it and plan an absolutely fantastic date night with you instead on that day to help take your mind off his shitty behaviour last year.

Primrosedot · 03/11/2019 16:29

Thanks for the replies. I know deep down I’m not being unreasonable, but sometimes he makes me feel I should be completely over it and nothing should be upsetting me any more 6 months on from finding out.
@TubbyMcTat77 yes- having lots of nighty out myself- I never say no to any invites now :-)
@MrsTerryPratchett I’ve said exactly that. We had a conversation a few weeks ago when he was talking about a night away with friends and I asked him to think of how I’m feeling right now and not put decisions in my hands. I don’t want to be saying yes/no that’s not the relationship I want. I hope in the future things like nights away without me will be fine just like the used to be but he needs to decide if it’s appropriate at this moment in time, not put those decisions on me if that makes sense.
@SunshineAngel I get what you’re saying, but I do actually see the date it all started as a milestone to get passed. Maybe that’s crazy and probably won’t make me feel any better.
I don’t think it’s the culture of the company as far as I know but I don’t know to be honest.
To me missing the Xmas party is such a tiny sacrifice, I’m struggling to understand how it is so hard for him to consider missing out on.

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 03/11/2019 16:32

It doesn't sound like you trust him at all - and with good reason.

I wonder what he has done to convince you. Full disclosure, counselling?

Did you kick him out for a time and so you could decide whether you actually wanted to be with him after him cheating?

Primrosedot · 03/11/2019 17:30

No I didn’t kick him out, he told me everything- although I can never be sure I know it all of course.
I’ve had counselling on my own, we are going to start counselling together soon. I feel a really let down by him again for just not having it in him to put my feelings ahead of his “fun”

OP posts:
CloudyWithAChance2 · 03/11/2019 17:36

This is something you need to get over or call it a day. You can’t expect him to miss out on life events, enjoying himself etc because you don’t trust him.

You decided to take him back so you need to deal with it.
I’ll tell you straight through- he won’t change.

Robin2323 · 03/11/2019 17:39

No is a complete sentence.
And you are not BU.

Primrosedot · 03/11/2019 17:40

I’m not asking him to forever miss out on life events. Just give his work Xmas party a miss this year for the first time in 15 years after cheating on me at last years do. I’ve got no problem with him enjoying himself. Perhaps I do just need to get over it. I can’t though, I’m trying all the time to.

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 03/11/2019 17:40

You feel let down, and so you should. He thinks he's entitled to go to the works do after he shagged/started an affair at the last one. Let him go. While he's out, pack his stuff and have it outside waiting for him.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 03/11/2019 17:43

I think you need to have a break until you can learn to trust him (and you may never be able to).
Nothing is going to be achieved by you doing this other than resentment as he will feel left out etc.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2019 17:45

You can’t expect him to miss out on life events, enjoying himself etc because you don’t trust him.

Not all of them, just the one he chose to fuck someone else at. Hmm

Dimebag10M · 03/11/2019 17:45

You are a far better person than I am, OP... I don't think I could ever regain true trust, and it feels disrespectful that he's making you feel you should be over all this

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/11/2019 17:51

You're not being unreasonable and he is completely taking the piss. How much counselling has he had to help bring home what a sleazy dishonest cunt he is?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/11/2019 17:53

The thing is, he shouldn't want to go. The very thought of it should make him burn with shame. He should,feel sick and shaky. Why doesn't he?

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