Trusting DH on nights out after affair

[Primrosedot]

DH has a 3 month affair with a work colleague which started at the work Xmas party last December. He didn’t know the OW until that night and took her back to his hotel room after knowing her for 3 hours. Then meet up with her on three further nights. Ive given him another chance, we are trying to make things work, he has changed and grown up, it’s like a new relationship but.... I don’t trust him yet.
One big issue is this years work xmas party. Months ago when I first decided to stay with him he promised he would never go to another Xmas party at this company. Note- he has been for drinks and a couple of Nights out with friends the last few months (getting easier, but I do still think about what he could be getting up to) and it’s not like I want to control what he does etc. But he mentioned his week about going to the “start” of the Xmas party and coming home early. I’m so upset about this, the date is the same as last year and will be hard enough for me to think about without him actually being at the party again (same date, same bar, same people- although she no longer works there so it’s no about that). It’s just so hurtful that he would think it’s ok to suggest that to me. I’ve not gone to my Xmas party many times due to clashes with his work/ no childcare etc, it’s not a big deal. Or am I being unreasonable and should just get over the party issue? It’s just this particular party not any other parties/events. It’s the memories and pain it brings me to even think about it.

This is your normal now, OP. Wondering what he’s up to, what he’s going to be invited to, whether attractive and cooperative women will be there. The timing of the party is unfortunate and his determination to attend is appalling, but there’ll be other parties, other nights out. If you’re going to stay with him despite what he’s like, you need to make peace with it all and hope for the best. You’ll drive yourself mad otherwise.

You're not being unreasonable, OP.

The one social event he should not being going to this year, or any year unless you're happy about it, is the work Christmas Party.

I also think his moany attitude and his expectation that you should be over it only six months after you found out to be selfish and inconsiderate too.

If I were you I'd be rethinking the entire relationship. Actually I'd have left when I found out.

OP, could we have some info on how you discovered his cheating? Just for context.
I’m interested that he’s admitted to shagging her 3 times over 3 months. I assume you had evidence or he’s lowballed the actual number to make him look like an honest guy.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I’m shocked he’d even entertain the idea of going. As his wife your feelings should matter more than a stupid Christmas do. I’d be rethinking how sorry he actually is.

Months ago when I first decided to stay with him he promised he would never go to another Xmas party at this company

But he mentioned his week about going to the “start” of the Xmas party and coming home early

Sorry you are going through this OP.

You shouldn't have to stop him going to this night out as he should know himself that it is inappropriate to go this year especially after his promise earlier in the year. He should have stuck to his decision to give it a miss. Maybe next year you could have discussed it again and decided together if enough time had passed for you to feel comfortable at his attendance.

He shouldn't be expecting you to be "over it" now or at any time in the future as you may never totally be able to forget although you have forgiven. For some cheating is a deal breaker and there is no second chances and please remember you didn't let him down, he let you down.

@CloudyWithAChance2 I found two weeks after he out of the blue told me he wasn’t in love anymore. I came into mumsnet for advice and was told he was likely having an affair- didn’t believe it could be true but two weeks later I insisted on looking at his credit card statement as the balance wasn’t going down and needed the info for a new mortgage application. He admitted it then. I know it was only the 3 further occasions as dates matched with hotel booked on credit card and nights he was “away with work.” He did he in between though for drinks after work. She lives with her parents miles outside of where they were drinking so definitely didn’t go back to hers, but going for drinks is no better anyway. Work or work drinks was always the excuse.

I am totally rethinking things after this. I have been this week to be honest. I try to draw a line and now on but I really spend so much time thinking of it all- I’m tired of it.

There are a couple of things that strike me as odd in this -

1. If I really loved my wife and was trying to make things better then I would be mind full of doing anything that was going to potentially undo the trust I had wasn’t so far.

1. I would have also done counselling joint or otherwise quickly but everyone is different

1. Notwithstanding the whole Xmas party indiscretion - to want to do it again (ignoring the number which seems low - I mean if you are in lust - you pretty much are hot to trot) seems just something more. I don’t know what more but it takes planning etc and therefore implies something. Why did they break it off?

@Primrosedot

Yeah I think you should rethink. And I speak to you as someone in your husband’s position (but never been caught).
I don’t think I will ever change and all the men I know who have cheated (including the ones who have been caught) have never changed their ways.

Sad but true.

@gnostick22a I didn’t want to do joint counselling right away, I wanted to do some on my own to feel stronger.
I don’t know what is was- attention I think. She thought he was amazing, was happy just to spend any time with him. He ended it two weeks before I found out. They went on a day date apparently, all other times they had been drunk, this was sober and it was all very awkward. I don’t think it was lust, I’m not saying this to be mean but she’s absolutely nothing in comparison to me looks wise (not being big headed promise!), I think it was just easy Sex when he felt like it.

All so confusing, I’ll never know why, he doesn’t even know why. Part of me thinks a part of him wanted to hurt me.

The thing is, he shouldn't want to go. The very thought of it should make him burn with shame. He should,feel sick and shaky. Why doesn't he?

All of this

It sounds as though you are the one making all the effort OP?

Good luck whatever you decide - it’s a tough choice. There is another thread in this - you may want to read it

I wouldn't trust him ever. Once can be a mistake but four times in total?

Can you ever trust him to keep his bat and balls in his underpants?

Yanbu. What @TubbyMcTat77 said.

Sadly this will be your life from now on as you decided to stay with the person who betrayed you and your marriage in the worst possible way.

The thing is, he shouldn't want to go. The very thought of it should make him burn with shame. He should,feel sick and shaky. Why doesn't he?

Absolutely this ^^

He cheated on you, damaged your relationship, do you think after you found out, that he regularly, if at all, suffers the emotional turmoil like you are going through now? I bet he sleeps like a baby. I'm sorry he's putting you through this, personally I couldn't live with that level of mind fuck.

Work or work drinks was always the excuse

I'm sure it was - and now, just six months after discovery, he's expecting you to be "over it", talking about more nights away, planning a repeat Christmas party and pushing the decisions onto you

He's not even trying, and when he cheats again it'll no doubt be "all your fault" because your lack of trust "forced him into it". Now you're realising what the cost of staying with a cheater really is It's fully understandable that you're feeling tired of it all, and hopefully you'll come to realise you deserve so much better than this

He went on a day date with her and it was awkward? Poor thing.

Leave him. Never look back.

I dont think you're being unreasonable. Yes in the long term you can't carry on the relationship without trust. But in my eyes, it's still the short term, and its clear that you are trying to get past it, but it just doesnt seem like he is trying that hard. He has hurt you massively and he should be trying to help you get over it, and if that means no xmas do, surely that's a small price to pay for your peace of mind? The 'it's been over 6 months, you should be over it by now' to me is kind of disrespectful and minimising your feelings - I'm pretty sure no one would completely trust their partner within a year of being cheated on.

Primrose, I commented on your first thread, written the day your H suddenly announced that he no longer loved you. He was going to withdraw the offer made the previous day on your dream house. I recall how he coldly walked away from you whenever you approached him to talk. He was so cruel.

I had wondered about you, and was sorry to later read that H had been cheating. He was willing to shatter you and the children for 4 drunken shags/ego-boosts.

You have written about your determination to empower yourself with counseling, an expanded social life, and fitness. Has H done any work through individual counseling to examine and change his character traits and behaviors that led him to lie and cheat...his weak boundaries, poor coping strategies, and sense of entitlement to pursue illicit sex/ego strokes?

Has he come clean regarding what he told OW about you, your marriage, the children, and the promises he made her?

His tone-deaf desire to attend the Christmas party is utterly appalling. It shows a fundamental disregard of your suffering and the prioritizing of his selfish wants over your feelings.

He inflicted deep wounds and doesn’t get to dictate your schedule of healing. You are in the early days of recovery. Many relationship counselors estimate that it can take 2-5 years for trust to be restored, and that is when the cheater makes every effort to help his/her partner heal.

I agree that you need to rethink your decision to stay with this man. You know what he is capable of. His recent behavior is another betrayal of your trust.

If he goes I’d bet my last pound that he’d “lose track of time” and disappear and stop answering his phone. Meanwhile you’ll be going out of your mind at home. Don’t let him do that to you. Either he stands by his word and misses the party or he goes and doesn’t come back. He can’t have it both ways when his behaviour is the sole reason you’re in this position.

I’m sorry you’re going through this

All so confusing, I’ll never know why, he doesn’t even know why. Part of me thinks a part of him wanted to hurt me.*
^^
Maybe dh could have therapy to find out why this happened.
Why would he want to hurt you ?
A good therapist would be able to walk him through this and help him find healthy ways to have his needs met.

Most ow aren't a patch on the wife in looks. It's not how films and tv would have us the view the ow.

Usually an affair is about the way the ow makes the man feel - listen too, appreciated - ego stroke.

Understanding helps with forgiveness/ and / or moving on.

He shouldn’t be going.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm exactly this- why isn’t this how he feels.

@Gruzinkerbell1 if he did go to the start his is exactly what would happen.

@MsDogLady he’s not done any counselling himself. The OW knew his was married, he told her he was unhappy etc the usual. I think he just used her really as an attention boost. She didn’t care- just fun and games for her.

I don’t want to ‘police’ what he does in the slightest. I don’t have room in my life to have to think about what he is up to every time he’s out.

He should have known and realised after last year how much this would upset me and how inappropriate it would be to go. I’m really thinking hard about the future now.