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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trusting DH on nights out after affair

59 replies

Primrosedot · 03/11/2019 15:37

DH has a 3 month affair with a work colleague which started at the work Xmas party last December. He didn’t know the OW until that night and took her back to his hotel room after knowing her for 3 hours. Then meet up with her on three further nights. Ive given him another chance, we are trying to make things work, he has changed and grown up, it’s like a new relationship but.... I don’t trust him yet.
One big issue is this years work xmas party. Months ago when I first decided to stay with him he promised he would never go to another Xmas party at this company. Note- he has been for drinks and a couple of Nights out with friends the last few months (getting easier, but I do still think about what he could be getting up to) and it’s not like I want to control what he does etc. But he mentioned his week about going to the “start” of the Xmas party and coming home early. I’m so upset about this, the date is the same as last year and will be hard enough for me to think about without him actually being at the party again (same date, same bar, same people- although she no longer works there so it’s no about that). It’s just so hurtful that he would think it’s ok to suggest that to me. I’ve not gone to my Xmas party many times due to clashes with his work/ no childcare etc, it’s not a big deal. Or am I being unreasonable and should just get over the party issue? It’s just this particular party not any other parties/events. It’s the memories and pain it brings me to even think about it.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/11/2019 13:46

Oh God OP, dump him.

Do you really want a life like this?!

why isn’t this how he feels. - Because he just isn't a very nice or moral or honest person! It really is as simple as that.

If he were a decent man, he wouldn't want to go.

However if he were a decent man none of this would have happened. An ego boost?!

He's not a decent man. Simple, so simple it's devastating. He's not decent.

Don't throw your intimate life away on a shitbag.

EKGEMS · 04/11/2019 18:36

"You can't expect him to miss out on all life events" or this gem "Do you keep a diary and have a cheat-anniversary? That's weird?" It's the same damn party on the exact date and her weasel of a husband can't empathize enough to skip it but then again he's a cheat and a liar and only cares about his dick.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/11/2019 18:42

After infidelity, sadly this is your new normal. The stomach churning feeling of dread you feel while he's out enjoying himself, oblivious to your feelings. I presume he thinks that as you stayed together all is forgiven. You feel shite and he carries on regardless. There has been no repercussions to him, only you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/11/2019 19:24

If he goes I’d bet my last pound that he’d “lose track of time” and disappear and stop answering his phone

I agree this is a given - no doubt accompanied by a tale of some "crucial role" the boss handed him and which he couldn't refuse

XJerseyGirlX · 05/11/2019 14:41

OP, this is gonna be head work for the rest of your life if he is pushing his boundries already and its not even been a year. He doesnt respect your feelings. Cut and run, let him go. You will never fully trust him.

Bigblue1970 · 05/11/2019 16:40

I feel so upset for you OP, and I remember your original post.

He absolutely should not be going to his works Christmas party. If he really was working on rebuilding your marriage he would know how inappropriate it is and would have made his excuses not to go.
My husband also sneaked off to go to a local hotel with the OW after his Christmas party. That was 3 years ago and he automatically says no to the next one. He is so full of remorse for nearly losing it all but most importantly, for hurting me. Until he gets to that point, you will never be able to move forward. X

ProseccoIsTheAnswerHere · 05/11/2019 16:46

Absolutely the fuck not. That time of year is triggering for you in itself. He also assured you he wouldn’t be going to the said party, but he clearly thinks he’s done the time and he can chance his luck now.

1 year in and he’s not done nearly enough. No counselling. He hasn’t shown you anything really has he

ButteryGarlic · 06/11/2019 18:16

So he basically said all the right things to get back in your good(ish) books and now that he's back and got his feet under the table again, surprise surprise, he's going back on what he said.

I'm very much someone who believes in second chances but this is a man who isn't worthy of a second chance. Please don't live your life like this.

elmosducks · 06/11/2019 20:07

No no no! #twat

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