Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I didnt go out with friends because of girlfriend.

74 replies

Twig509 · 03/11/2019 15:33

I am 26, girlfriend is 23. Weve been together going on one year. She is relatively laid back and we both make time for friends.
I got a bit freaked out last night because we were both planning on going out with friends together but she only had one friend coming, the rest mine.
She's been complaining about how she feels her friend uses her and hardly sees her and her friend bailed out last night - girlfriend and i werent planning on drinking so we were going to pick her up and take her home.
Girlfriend wasnt getting a clear answer off friend so was messaging saying we need to know as we want to know whether to take the car or not. Her friend replied back that she had no intentions of going and to stop asking.
This caused girlfriend to go quiet. I was watching tv with my cousin. I said to her not to worry we can still go out with them and she agreed.
She then said i could go out and shell go home (she was staying at mine) but i wanted her to stay.

After my cousin left, she burst out crying about how she hardly has friends, her friend never wants to do anything, how she's bored and is going to be bored later sitting with a load of drunk guys.
I agreed and said we wont go but she was insistinf sayong she wants to go home but i wanted her to stay.

She cleaned herself up and we went for food with my family but was very quiet during a meal with my family (usually shes chatty) and was on and off crying all night when we got to my room saying she doesnt know why shes crying, she's just sad.

We cuddled and this morning she was fine and apologised and said she wishes i went out since all my friends were there and she wouldve had time to clear her head at home.
But im really confused about last night

OP posts:
Otavis · 03/11/2019 15:35

What are you confused about, exactly?

Original poster
Twig509 · 03/11/2019 15:36

I just dont get what caused the outburst, it seemed quite erratic

OP posts:
Original poster
Twig509 · 03/11/2019 15:37

And this morning she was absolutely fineConfused

OP posts:
Greenkit · 03/11/2019 15:41

TBH her friends baled on her, she was feeling upset and probably lonely, she wanted you to go out, but wanted you to stay in to comfort her.

She needs to find some friends who wont let her down. Do your friends have GF's she could join with?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 03/11/2019 15:43

She was upset because she had a bit of a disagreement with a friend, and she wishes she had more friends. She wasn't up to company but you pushed her into staying and having to socialise with your family.

Is that not obvious?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 03/11/2019 15:45

She kept telling him to go out. Sounds more like she wanted a few hours on her own than him to stay with her.

Otavis · 03/11/2019 15:46

Well, your best bet is to ask her (is there a reason why you haven't?), but it sounds as if she feels isolated and friendless, and the fact that you were both planning to socialise with your combined friends, but you had a large number and she only had one, who then pulled out, made her suddenly conscious of not having many friends, in contrast to you.

One thing that did occur to me was whether she's over-dependent on this single friend, and pressures her friend into things she doesn't want to do, explaining the friend snapping at her about not coming out. I mean, it's also possible the friend is just not very nice, but your girlfriend does sound rather melodramatic and self-pitying if she spent the night intermittently crying, and being the only friend in that kind of scenario can be exhausting.

Bluerussian · 03/11/2019 15:46

I agree with Greenkit.

Poor love, knowing you have a circle of friends and she doesn't was firmly brought home to your girlfriend last night. She will make friends though, hopefully a couple of really good ones. In the meantime she has..........you which is not the same but you sound so caring as a good friend should be.

Original poster
Twig509 · 03/11/2019 15:48

Yeah i probably should have give her space.
I was reading texts off my friends who were out because they were gutted i didnt go out and she was snapping at me telling me to go out and how she doesnt get why im bothered when ive been out plenty of times the past few months, but I didnt think i could go out whilst knowing she was upswt

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2019 15:49

Why on earth were you reading texts out to her?

Hmm
SunshineAngel · 03/11/2019 15:50

She was looking forward to a night out, only for her friend to bail at the last minute, leaving her with the prospect of being with all of your mates who, though you probably like them immensely, probably aren't her idea of a good time.

She said she wanted to go home and was happy for you to go out, and you chose not to go out.. so it was your choice, and you didn't not go out "because" of your girlfriend at all, so your title is misleading.

I know what it feels like to be lonely sometimes, and I wouldn't have gone out if it was just my boyfriend and his lad mates either - as my kind of night would be different to theirs, so I would rather my boyfriend went on his own.

I don't see what your problem is. She's upset and down, so support her, talk to her. Perhaps help to encourage her to go out with other people.

Original poster
Twig509 · 03/11/2019 15:51

She does have friend from uni who she meets up with often but this friend is her best friend who my girlfriend is getting sick of - she feels this friend only wants to see her when her boyfriend is busy so my girlfriend hardly asks her to do anything - tbh it was me telling my girlfriend to send the last message confirming it because we needed to know,
Girlfriend is quite introverted, doesnt mind staying in and has never been bothered about making many friends;
She's absolutely gorgeous and kind so anyone would be lucky to have her as a friend

OP posts:
MrsMaiselsMuff · 03/11/2019 15:53

It's great that you care so much, but next time listen to what she is saying, not what you think she is saying. If someone has been upset they'll often want alone time to get themselves together and rest, crying is tiring!

ukgift2016 · 03/11/2019 15:56

Do you expect us to tell you your girlfriend is controlling?

She told you several times to go out with your friends, that she appreciate the space but you refused to go. That is YOUR choice as a grown man.

She was upset as she has shit friends. Nothing more to it.

AmIThough · 03/11/2019 15:56

@Twig509 you sound like a really nice guy. Just give her a cuddle and say the lovely things you've said to us when she gets upset.

Do your friends have girlfriends?

Honestly I only have 2 friends who aren't my boyfriends friends girlfriends, because I find girls my age really difficult to deal with (similar age to your gf).

Dadaist · 03/11/2019 16:01

Perhaps you need to start listening to her? She’s in a bad place because her friendships are not wide or strong and we all need a healthy social circle.
I think you assumed that because she was upset about something you could do nothing about that you needed to just be there’. Maybe don’t put yourself at the centre and see that she is struggling with something -and may just need space to come to terms with things. I think you also need to be a bit more sensitive or work on your emotional intelligence - no one reading this is confused as to why she might have been upset, and why she might be feeling better after sleeping on it. She was cross at you for reading texts about how much you should be out while insisting you should be in with her. A dick move really. Try putting her first by giving her space when she needs it and not suffocating her when she is upset. Sometimes less is more.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 03/11/2019 16:16

Reading texts from all your friends who were out when she feels friendless might not have helped.

You wanted her to stay but it sounds like she would have been fine with you going out and leaving her to snuggle up in her own bed so next time that might be a plan.

Original poster
Twig509 · 03/11/2019 16:16

It wasnt just her friend she was crying about though, she was crying about how she feels awkward around some of my family but this doesnt ring true in actions where she appears confident?

OP posts:
Dadaist · 03/11/2019 16:22

So you know better than her about her feelings? OP - people are a bag of contradictions- and what we do outwardly doesn’t always reflect how we sometimes feel about things. Just listen to her!

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2019 16:24

she feels awkward around some of my family but this doesnt ring true in actions where she appears confident?

Seeming confident and being happy are two different things. I do a lot of public speaking and look breezy and confident. It's terrifying but no one believes it. Because I fake confidence.

mistydayswampwitch · 03/11/2019 16:29

How old are you both Op?

Original poster
Twig509 · 03/11/2019 17:13

She seemed fine this morning, she just rang asking me what time i want her to come around, She sounded really quiet and quite moody, i said about 2 hours and maybe we can go out and get food and she said she's not that hungry,
This seems all very unlike her! She's usually quite cheery!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twig509 · 11/11/2019 16:05

Need a bit more advice.
I still feel she's grumpy but on and off grumpy.
This weekend she couldnt find any winter clothes so was snapping she had nothing to wear and getting heated up.

Last night she was super happy and we were watching a movie.
Now to go with the next part, i'll just add that she's changed her contraception 2 months ago and has another month left so shes bleeding on and off for 2 months, mostly light.
We were about to have sex this morning as she thought sge had stopped bleeding but there was quite a bit of blood and i hate blood so said we should leave it.
She then started crying (again) about how we hardly have sex and how it"s her fault with the blood; i was trying to reassure her and told her shes overreacting and she sais i dont understand because im not the one bleeding out my penis for 2 months Hmm
I stupidly told her how we cant have sex in the morning anyway because it smells afterwards and she has work and how she hates showering at mine; She then said that's not true and went for a shower.

After the shower and everything had calmed a bit we spoke and she said she feels like a hormonal freak and she feels she's always in a mood and she apologised and said she'll work on communicating properly. She said shes scared im going to get sick of the mood swings and constant bleeding but i reassured her and told her theres only a month left; she also asked if its normal for things to be so tense early on but we're not really arguing with each other, more her stressing herself out when theres no problem

Its just all getting a bit tedious.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 11/11/2019 19:59

No offence OP but christ she sounds like hard work Confused

OrangeHue · 11/11/2019 20:12

What contraception is she using? I had the implant and it gave me rage. I had it for over 6 years and thought it was me. As soon as I took it out I became normal