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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fed up of my lazy husband

65 replies

mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 09:25

Sorry in advance for the long post. But feel so miserable lately and feeling fed up of my lazy husband. I just need to vent.

We’ve been together 4 years married for 1 we’ve got a 3 year old little boy. And I’m 36.5 weeks with our baby girl. As time goes on I’m getting increasingly fed up of his lazy behaviour. Yes I’ve talked to him about it on multiple occasions and it usually causes an argument. He pulls the work card and nothing ever changes. He works 5 on 5 off and the days he’s off work he lazes about on his phone with the TV on in the background.

I’m a stay at home mum and put college and getting a job on hold to have our son who id like to add is very high energy! And has been really hard work as of lately. I don’t ask much from him at all. Only that he puts his dirty clothes in the washing basket instead of dumping them on the bedroom floor. Same with wet towels (He does the same with clean clothes then has a go if I’ve washed them because I’ve assumed they’re dirty) I ask him politely to wash his plate after eating just to take the load off me. (1 plate!) I’ve once left the dishes for 2 days to see if he’d do them he never did. He won’t put the cleaner around unless I ask. Even then he huffs like a child. I’ve really struggled with pelvic pain with this pregnancy and it seems even asking him to carry the washing basket upstairs for me is a task. Before I was gifted a pregnancy pillow I was getting maybe 4 hours a sleep a night. He’d sleep all night then bugger off for a nap during the day. Leaving me to chase our 3 year old around.

He waits until after I clean to cook something (for himself) never Cooks for me and our son if I ask him to put food on for our son he huffs about that too. Sorry if this sounds petty. I’ve got to nag to ask him to put the the rubbish and recycling out. His excuse is that he forgets. I’ve always said if something needs doing around the house just do it don’t wait for me to “nag”

We had a huge argument the other morning because on his days off he gets up with our son but he sits him on the tablet all morning and it drives me mad. And I said if he carries on im banning it. Because he now throws tantrums when it’s taken off him. I try to get extra sleep on those days he’s off but our son ends up waking me up anyway. I was feeling pretty upset that morning and he hit a nerve. He made me cry and said if he had the money he’d divorce me because I’m a nag. He never apologised for that and now acts like he never said anything.

He spends all our spare cash on alcohol leaving us completely broke some weeks. Yes I’ve spoken to him about it his words were I work my balls off I deserve it. He drinks nearly every night that he hasn’t got work (also in debt with our council tax) then has the cheek to complain if we are low on food or out of bread, milk etc... the last 2 weeks of every month his wages go on rent so we live off our tax credits and on the last week of every month it’s really tight. So after putting gas and leccy on there’s just about enough for a food shop he decided to buy an Xbox game off a friend leaving us with £12 to get essentials and had the cheek to ask me if he could get 2 cans of cider and sulked when I said no. If he’d had them I wouldn’t have been able to get juice and biscuits for our son. Which he likes to have in the morning when he gets up.

Last night I asked him if he wanted to bath after me. He said yes. He comes up right after having dinner for a shave practically kicking me out the bath I’d only had a 10 minute soak. Our son had been hard work that night too. I was struggling to get out the bath and he didn’t bother helping me out and said he believes in equality when I sarcastically said (thanks for watching me struggle) when trying to pick my pyjamas up. I went in to check on our son who had taken his pull up off after throwing a tantrum, wet the bed and fallen asleep. So I had to wake him up, clean the mattress, change his pyjamas change the bedding and read him another 2 books all while he relaxed. It’s not easy to change a cabin bed at 9 months pregnant. I then put washing on before getting in to bed while he says to me that bath was nice on my aching feet. After I had just done my back in changing our sons bed!

Am I right in thinking he’s taking me for granted ? Or am I just being petty an hormonal ? Feel really down in the dumps today. Nothing ever changes he’s in work at the moment. Some days I feel like walking out

OP posts:
SummerSazz · 03/11/2019 09:46

I wouldn't walk out, I'd run as fast as my heavily pregnant self could. Sorry you are going through all this and no, it's not right and you and your DC deserve better Thanks

Bananalanacake · 03/11/2019 09:51

could you ask him to go without alcohol for a month as you need the money for council tax and food. how would he react.

ScabbyBabby · 03/11/2019 09:56

He is a total dick, he won’t change, this is your life from now on unless you leave him/make him leave.

You’d find it easier without him and he would have to pay maintenance. You’d be better off financially too from the sounds of it.

mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 09:58

He did say he'd give up drinking this month I'm due on the 27th and terrified we are not going to have money to get to the hospital. I'm feeling doubtful as he's always gone back on his word :( his excuses are always "oh if if I buy a bottle tonight it will last until tomorrow" then tomorrow comes and he'll buy 2 cans to top it up.

OP posts:
mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 10:00

Thanks for the replies so far. I've been so close to walking out and I don't know what stops me.

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Span1elsRock · 03/11/2019 10:00

He's treating you like shit - that's not a man that loves you.

You're basically a single parent already - without him, you will be more financially secure and far far happier.

Wheelerdeeler · 03/11/2019 10:01

Youd be better off alone

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2019 10:07

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here by your husband?. You are being absolutely used and abused here by him and its not just you either who is seeing all this at first hand, its your son too.

Your H also sounds like he has a drink problem.

This is really no life for you and your son who is also unfortunate enough to be witness to all this too. He is learning about relationships from his feckless dad as well as you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they/will they learn here from you two if you are fool enough to stay with him?. You will soon become a mother to two children; you do not need this selfish and pig ignorant manchild of a husband in your life as well. I would urge you to seek legal advice asap and start divorce proceedings.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2019 10:08

Examine far more closely what is stopping you from calling time on this unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. Do not stay for the sake of the children.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

BuffaloCauliflower · 03/11/2019 10:09

He’s the worst kind of shit man. Leave, he won’t change and he’ll just grind you down. There’s nothing good here

00Sassy · 03/11/2019 10:15

You need to leave him, he’s a fucking prick Angry

FionaOgre · 03/11/2019 10:18

You're essentially a single mum.

So BE a single mum.

What is he bringing to your life really? Except more work that is.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 03/11/2019 13:28

What in gods name are u still doing with this lazy selfish prick?! He brings nothing to your life except more work and misery, drinks too much and is a crap dad.
If you read this post as someone else what would your advice to them be? Run, run, run he’s a fucking loser

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 03/11/2019 13:40

@mummymadnessX this is not ok. We're due in exactly the same day. I have no other children. We're in a slightly different boat as my DH lost his job a few weeks ago and is on a frantic search for a new one. However while he's been free he's done everything. Housework, cooking, cleaning, decorated the babies room. The only real break he had was to come swimming with me as it's the only relief I get from PGP but I really need a hand to get about. I asked him to do none of these things. I assume he wanted these children? Then helping you while you make them comes with the territory. If DH treated me like this he'd be out.

Nc77 · 03/11/2019 13:40

I feel so bad for you. I thought my partner was lazy but reading your story has actually angered me. Can’t believe he does fuck all around the house and leaves it all to you, what an absolute idiot. I’d be thinking about divorce or leaving himbut make sure he leaves you in the house and he can piss off to his mothers or a friends. You honestly would be so much better off on your own.

You may be able to claim some extra benefits whilst youre on maternity leave until you go back to work.

I’d seriously be tempted to have a day in bed and if he comes up whinging tell him firmly that he can sort everything that needs doing today because you are tired and need rest! And stick to your guns, make him sort the daily tasks out for once. He is capable he is just use to you doing it

Quartz2208 · 03/11/2019 13:45

Do you have family to go to
Separate out your benefits and get the ball rolling

NoSquirrels · 03/11/2019 13:51

Do you have family? If so, please go there.

He’s a terrible father and a terrible husband.

Council tax is a priority debt - if it’s not paid then consequences are severe fur your credit rating (and it will affect you not just him as it will be in both your names).

Move out. Inform council. Have your baby and take a deep breath and then get a place for you and the DC. You’re already alone, you’re just having to put up with his shit too. Leave.

mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 13:55

Yes I've got family I can go to. My mum. He's got worse the longer we've been together. I don't remember him being like this when our son was born we didn't move in together until he was 3 months old. And replying to above comment both children were planned.

I feel like I can't even talk about my feelings with him without it ending in an argument. I only claim child benefit as he works full time and we child tax and working tax. I'm aware of the consequences of being in debt with council tax as this isn't the first time. I've been trying to sort it but they want me to pay in full which I can't afford

OP posts:
mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 13:56

As awful as it sounds. I've been hoping once his daughter is born he will change ...

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mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 14:00

I'd like to to add we aren't in a council property we rent through a letting agent and his name is first on the tenancy. I got told if he ever moved out id either need to get a job or id need a guarantor which I can't get.

OP posts:
Kit19 · 03/11/2019 14:01

God he sounds awful - you poor thing xx

Why do you think he’ll change once your daughter is born @mummymadnessX I mean what will be different? It’s not as if you don’t already have a child

I’m really sorry but I think deep down you know he won’t change & you need to think of yourself & DC now

Kit19 · 03/11/2019 14:01

Told by whom?

Quartz2208 · 03/11/2019 14:01

Go to your mums and figure out what benefits you can get and pay8ng off your debt
Talk t your landlord re rent and getting off

He won’t change

mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 14:05

@Kit19 by the letting agents x

OP posts:
mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 14:06

@Kit19 I don't know I think it's because I still love him that something will change. I've told him I won't tolerate being left to do everything

OP posts:
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