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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fed up of my lazy husband

65 replies

mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 09:25

Sorry in advance for the long post. But feel so miserable lately and feeling fed up of my lazy husband. I just need to vent.

We’ve been together 4 years married for 1 we’ve got a 3 year old little boy. And I’m 36.5 weeks with our baby girl. As time goes on I’m getting increasingly fed up of his lazy behaviour. Yes I’ve talked to him about it on multiple occasions and it usually causes an argument. He pulls the work card and nothing ever changes. He works 5 on 5 off and the days he’s off work he lazes about on his phone with the TV on in the background.

I’m a stay at home mum and put college and getting a job on hold to have our son who id like to add is very high energy! And has been really hard work as of lately. I don’t ask much from him at all. Only that he puts his dirty clothes in the washing basket instead of dumping them on the bedroom floor. Same with wet towels (He does the same with clean clothes then has a go if I’ve washed them because I’ve assumed they’re dirty) I ask him politely to wash his plate after eating just to take the load off me. (1 plate!) I’ve once left the dishes for 2 days to see if he’d do them he never did. He won’t put the cleaner around unless I ask. Even then he huffs like a child. I’ve really struggled with pelvic pain with this pregnancy and it seems even asking him to carry the washing basket upstairs for me is a task. Before I was gifted a pregnancy pillow I was getting maybe 4 hours a sleep a night. He’d sleep all night then bugger off for a nap during the day. Leaving me to chase our 3 year old around.

He waits until after I clean to cook something (for himself) never Cooks for me and our son if I ask him to put food on for our son he huffs about that too. Sorry if this sounds petty. I’ve got to nag to ask him to put the the rubbish and recycling out. His excuse is that he forgets. I’ve always said if something needs doing around the house just do it don’t wait for me to “nag”

We had a huge argument the other morning because on his days off he gets up with our son but he sits him on the tablet all morning and it drives me mad. And I said if he carries on im banning it. Because he now throws tantrums when it’s taken off him. I try to get extra sleep on those days he’s off but our son ends up waking me up anyway. I was feeling pretty upset that morning and he hit a nerve. He made me cry and said if he had the money he’d divorce me because I’m a nag. He never apologised for that and now acts like he never said anything.

He spends all our spare cash on alcohol leaving us completely broke some weeks. Yes I’ve spoken to him about it his words were I work my balls off I deserve it. He drinks nearly every night that he hasn’t got work (also in debt with our council tax) then has the cheek to complain if we are low on food or out of bread, milk etc... the last 2 weeks of every month his wages go on rent so we live off our tax credits and on the last week of every month it’s really tight. So after putting gas and leccy on there’s just about enough for a food shop he decided to buy an Xbox game off a friend leaving us with £12 to get essentials and had the cheek to ask me if he could get 2 cans of cider and sulked when I said no. If he’d had them I wouldn’t have been able to get juice and biscuits for our son. Which he likes to have in the morning when he gets up.

Last night I asked him if he wanted to bath after me. He said yes. He comes up right after having dinner for a shave practically kicking me out the bath I’d only had a 10 minute soak. Our son had been hard work that night too. I was struggling to get out the bath and he didn’t bother helping me out and said he believes in equality when I sarcastically said (thanks for watching me struggle) when trying to pick my pyjamas up. I went in to check on our son who had taken his pull up off after throwing a tantrum, wet the bed and fallen asleep. So I had to wake him up, clean the mattress, change his pyjamas change the bedding and read him another 2 books all while he relaxed. It’s not easy to change a cabin bed at 9 months pregnant. I then put washing on before getting in to bed while he says to me that bath was nice on my aching feet. After I had just done my back in changing our sons bed!

Am I right in thinking he’s taking me for granted ? Or am I just being petty an hormonal ? Feel really down in the dumps today. Nothing ever changes he’s in work at the moment. Some days I feel like walking out

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 03/11/2019 14:09

He needs to go.

mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 14:09

@Kit19 when the baby is born that is

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/11/2019 14:11

The only thing that is going to change isn’t you will get more and more in debt

GettingABitDesperateNow · 03/11/2019 14:13

He is being completely unacceptable. Not only is he not helping, hes making everything worse by a.creating more mess and jobs and b. Spending your rent money on booze and c. Being horrible to you (saying he will divorce you etc). Oh and his parenting of your son sounds shit as well. It sounds like he adds nothing to your life, only makes it harder. Try and find a way out, or your daughter will find a man who is as lazy and selfish as he is and your sons behaviour will get worse

42isthemeaning · 03/11/2019 14:16

Go to your mum with your ds. Do it today! If you were my dd I'd be devastated and I'd make sure that you and your dc were properly looked after. You need to get away from this pathetic excuse for a man. Good luck Thanks

mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 14:18

@GettingABitDesperateNow I can't always fault his parenting as he can be a good dad. But we do argue over how he lets our son get away with stuff where as I don't. I have no issues with my sons behaviour when he's in work. It's just when he's at home

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2019 14:19

Yeah, he'll change, he'll get worse. He will not get better. Ever.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/11/2019 14:19

If he treats his son that way, why do you think he will be better with a daughter? He is a bad father and a bad husband and probably an alcoholic. Leave now. Go to your family. Register at their address for all the child credits, tax benefits, council housing etc. you can get. Leave him to sort out back rent and taxes.
File for child maintenance to be deducted from his salary by his employers. You are already a single parent so you might as well get all the benefits.

RandomMess · 03/11/2019 14:25

He is not a good Dad, takes the easy option and let's him have the tablet and is abusive towards his Mum.

Just how is that being a "good Dad"?

BestestBrownies · 03/11/2019 14:25

I've told him I won't tolerate being left to do everything

Your words are empty if your actions demonstrate the opposite. He's being a lazy shit because you do do everything, so what motivation is there for him to change?

Which he won't anyway. This kind of man believes all the shitty grunt work is your job. He would think this even if you also worked full time.

Sorry to sound blunt and harsh OP, but his first love will alway be drink. Not his kids and certainly not you. Get the useless waste of space out of your life and you'll all be much happier.

SevenStones · 03/11/2019 14:27

OP

He won't change
He isn't a good dad

Please do the best for your kids and leave him.

maria1947 · 03/11/2019 14:28

I'm so sorry you're going through this, you need to prioritise yourself for once. He is incredibly selfish and if he's like this before the baby, what kind of use would he be after baby is born!

Being a private renter myself, I had to go through the process of sorting out the tenancy myself when husband decided to leave the property. It was also a joint tenancy and I would have needed his agreement to be taken off the tenancy. Which he did luckily agree to at the end of tenancy and a new one was started in my name only. I don't know if this would be an option for you?

If you could stay in the house and he left, they are not legally allowed to discriminate you and for the letting agents to ask you to leave. However the landlord could ask you to leave at end of tenancy, he would need to give you 3 months notice, in which time you could apply to the council as homeless. I claimed benefits as a lone parent and although they were sniffy about it at the estate agents, they just wanted the rent paid so kept us on, you don't officially HAVE to only be in paid work to rent!

This is so much stress and worry, but you won't just be thrown out with 2 children. If he wouldn't go, get straight onto benefits checkers to see how much help you can get, gingerbread will work it out for you if you call and give them some information. They were great for me.

Sounds like you will be better off without him!

Glacecherrychops · 03/11/2019 15:04

He's an alcoholic, selfish twat who isn't a good dad.

IT will get worse with the second, as the second child brings a lot more pressure on the dad, because you are busy with the baby. He'll need to step up, which he won't. He'll drink more and more.

Just leave and go to your mums. Why live in this misery? A partner is supposed to ease your burden and stress, not double it.

Iflyaway · 03/11/2019 15:07

God, he sounds awful, so sorry you are going through this. And about to deliver a baby! (I delivered at 36 weeks, because of the stress my ex put me through - being a single parent is so much more calm!!).

Stop being his maid and picking up his clothes or doing his laundry to start with.

Start living as a single parent - cos you are one - now with him in the house.

Oh, and he's not a "good dad" if he doesn't pull his weight around the house.

You really do not want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal.

You sound lovely. Wishing you much strength.

Scarydinosaurs · 03/11/2019 15:14

You TOLD him you won’t tolerate it, but by staying you’re SHOWING him you will tolerate it.

Why would he change? He’s got a great life. A partner who does everything, all the good bits of having children, drink all the time, no housework...you presumably tell him you love him etc so he has that too.

Why should he change?

If I were you I’d go to my mum’s and start planning a job I could do when my child was born. Ditch him.

mummymadnessX · 03/11/2019 19:11

He's just come in from work moaning he's hungry. I said don't moan when you know I could of done a food shop. He rolled his eyes at me and slammed the door Hmm

OP posts:
LondonCrone · 03/11/2019 19:29

I’m so, so sad for you OP.

I suppose all you can do at this point is get out, because he won’t change, he isn’t a good dad and he’s treating you appallingly.

Just please please please get out this situation, get back to college and get on with your life with your two DC. The less they see of this, the better.

Chilledout11 · 03/11/2019 19:35

I'd leave this week to be honest he's so selfish

Shitfuckoh · 03/11/2019 19:45

OP, i had one a little like yours. Didn't do much in the home, barely interacted with his kids and we were always 'skint' unless he needed alcohol.. note I said had. He moved out in March - took him a while after i told him i needed him to go.

He's still crap with money and he's no better at parenting - he gives his kids 2 hours a week of his 'precious' time if they are lucky. We are much better off, more money, much happier because i'm not stressed/frustrated at him. MN helped me in more ways than anyone will ever know

maryann1978 · 03/11/2019 20:38

You need to divorce this man child. He sounds awful, he is not acting like a loving and caring partner and he isn't setting a good example to your son. You will be better off emotionally and financially if you became a single parent. The quicker you do it, the better you will feel.

crappyday2018 · 03/11/2019 21:24

He is treating you like something he stepped in. Please stop putting up with it. Just pack a bag for you and your ds and go to your mums. Worry about finances and housing later. Your priority is getting rid of this disgusting human being.

NoSquirrels · 03/11/2019 23:09

Oh sweetheart- he ain’t going to change. I know you want him to buy wishing won’t make it so.

Go to your mum. Figure the rest out from there.

Countryescape · 04/11/2019 06:39

He’s an alcoholic who is treating you like shit. Laughing at you struggling getting out of the bath is really spiteful and mean and threatening you with divorce. Leave him. As others have said you’ll be better off because you won’t have him around being an arsehole and he’ll have to pay maintenance.

dottiedodah · 04/11/2019 08:16

I should hot foot it to Mums if I were you! He sounds like a total fucking loser to me .I dont think he will change at all Im afraid ,he seems selfish and immature to me .It will be scary to leave but you have your Mum to go to ,and I expect she will be relieved that you are no longer with this person who is making you unhappy !

notapizzaeater · 04/11/2019 08:21

I can't see what you actually get out of this relationship. I'd go home to your mums

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