Told friend this is a bad sign, am I wrong?

[TarMcAdam]

My friend has been seeing a single dad with teenage kids. He's a v devoted dad, which she (and all of our friendship group) thought was a great thing.

She has tried to integrate with his kids and show an interest but is aware of giving it time/taking it easy. In relationship just over a year.

One of his sons was recently due some important exam results, friends dp was tense the day before and she tried to reassure him and discussed the subject more than once, saying he was likely to get what he needed but if he didn't he could do a,b, or c and reapply next year.

The same day they were involved in a water based activity with her DPS relatives and after she returned home she mentioned by text what a lovely day it had been, how much she'd enjoyed the activity, how great/convenient his relatives small boat was and how it would be wonderful if they had the opportunity to do similar again sometime before winter truly hit ...

She was shocked to receive a reply from him. along the lines of "why are you going on about x's boat etc etc, with my son's results out tomorrow .. do you think.im interested in that ... Do you even care about my son's results, do you even want to be part of this family?".

My friend was thrown, upset, doesn't know if she's in the wrong etc. She phoned me at the time upset and wanting an outside opinion.

The next day incidentally his son's results were received, were fine for entrance, and he'd DPS mood was happy, relaxed, he was busy telling everyone about it and had totally glossed over his remarks.

The only thing she has said otherwise I'd that he describes himself as "fiery" but harmless/" no harm in it) and she finds him quite sparky at times.

I thought it was a bad sign and said so, bit she seems to feel like he had a point and is going along with sweeping it under the carpet (at this time anyway).

I don't think she should - AIBU?

*her dp's mood

It doesn't sit right with me either (with the "fiery" context) but it's her decision.

Maybe I'm wrong but it doesn't seem like that big a deal to me, so he was stressed and he got snappy - not ideal but we all do it from time to time. I do think that he should apologise, but I don't necessarily think it makes him a bad person.

How did she respond and has he apologised?

Sounds like a crap message from him. But perhaps he realised it and has tried to put things right. Or she's told him to piss off.

Fuck that I'd be off.

I'd put a pin in it and mentally mark it as something to watch out for. Not necessarily a red flag, not necessarily not, either.

How did she respond and has he apologised?

I think she phoned him (or maybe texted) and said that she'd only been saying what a great outing it was and reiterated what she'd said (the reassurance she gave) about the results ... I don't believe he apologised then or since.

She says after he is "sparky" he generally goes on as though nothing has happened
(or at best seems mildly embarrassed) and expects her to assume/understand that he didn't really mean anything by it.

The only background I know is that he and his only sister are estranged. They had a falling out due to him (justifiably I think) getting annoyed by her mil gossiping/making comments about his late (bed bound) mum ... But it sounds like instead of raising it with his sister & bil, he told people in their small rural area and it got back to his sister. Apparently when she challenged him "I hear you've been saying around town that you don't like my mil and her sister etc" .. he responded "no, that's not right, I said I hate your mil & sister!" and things went downhill from there.
From that I presumed he esclatates things in a rather immature way rather than resolving them.

He also told my friend his sister is a money grabber, fake etc and that's why they are estranged too. No idea if true.

*escalates

He also told my friend that he'd had a run in with an ex's "interfering" mother.

It all sounds a bit dysfunctional to me.

My friend is questioning herself saying maybe she was being selfish talking about the outing, boat etc. whereas I don't think so. Shed already discussed the results with him, it sounds like he wants her to be psychic.

This doesn't sound great. As someone who has been with someone for years who started off like this I can tell you now it will get worse not better. Just occasional instances at first getting increasingly frequent until you are totally sucked in and it's incredibly hard to get out. I now wish I'd paid attention to early warning signs which seem quite small...but if she is getting told off now when she clearly has done nothing wrong, I agree it's a red flag. See my recent thread on where this can all end up

Not sure how to search threads but I'll give it a go.

Yeah this type of "fiery/sparky" could be v trying, verging on abusive, I suspect.

I think that he overreacted, but her message also sounds ott to me.

What’s his relationship history?

If they were waiting for the results of important medical/health tests, I could understand his reaction. But an exam? He massively overreacted and behaved ridiculously.

And “fiery” people who start arguments all the time are tiresome and far too much hassle.

What’s his relationship history?

I believe he's had four relationships of between 3 and 12 ish months in the last 9 years ( and a few casual things that didn't take off).

With post it gets worse. It's the lack of apologising that hits me. We all get stressed and sometimes don't react in the best way but then we apologise. If she starts blaming herself she'll soon start behaving differently and not being herself.

but her message also sounds ott to me.

In what way?

Whoa. Doesn't sound like he likes women too much, does it?

But an exam?

Was for entrance to a quite specialist degree course, though I still agree.

Huge over reaction from him. She did gush on a bit tbh. But that didn't give him the right to be a twat.

I hate it when someone acts like an arse, then when they are over it act like nothing has happened. Makes you feel unsure and second guess yourself which it sounds like your friend is now doing.

I believe he's had four relationships of between 3 and 12 ish months in the last 9 years ( and a few casual things that didn't take off).

Wonder if he engineers this?
Looks like 5th is on its way....

It's the lack of apologising that hits me

Agreed.

In what way is he a devoted dad? In the Disney fashion? Because he's a man so doing any basic parenting results in him being lauded as a superhero? Or other specific ways?

Do the children live with him?

How many women do you and your friends describe as devoted mums? Especially female single parents?

Just wondering how accurate this characterisation is and how much it's clouding people's judgement on his other behaviour.