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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Told friend this is a bad sign, am I wrong?

60 replies

TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 17:00

My friend has been seeing a single dad with teenage kids. He's a v devoted dad, which she (and all of our friendship group) thought was a great thing.

She has tried to integrate with his kids and show an interest but is aware of giving it time/taking it easy. In relationship just over a year.

One of his sons was recently due some important exam results, friends dp was tense the day before and she tried to reassure him and discussed the subject more than once, saying he was likely to get what he needed but if he didn't he could do a,b, or c and reapply next year.

The same day they were involved in a water based activity with her DPS relatives and after she returned home she mentioned by text what a lovely day it had been, how much she'd enjoyed the activity, how great/convenient his relatives small boat was and how it would be wonderful if they had the opportunity to do similar again sometime before winter truly hit ...

She was shocked to receive a reply from him. along the lines of "why are you going on about x's boat etc etc, with my son's results out tomorrow .. do you think.im interested in that ... Do you even care about my son's results, do you even want to be part of this family?".

My friend was thrown, upset, doesn't know if she's in the wrong etc. She phoned me at the time upset and wanting an outside opinion.

The next day incidentally his son's results were received, were fine for entrance, and he'd DPS mood was happy, relaxed, he was busy telling everyone about it and had totally glossed over his remarks.

The only thing she has said otherwise I'd that he describes himself as "fiery" but harmless/" no harm in it) and she finds him quite sparky at times.

I thought it was a bad sign and said so, bit she seems to feel like he had a point and is going along with sweeping it under the carpet (at this time anyway).

I don't think she should - AIBU?

OP posts:
Happityhap · 02/11/2019 17:42

it sounds like he wants her to be psychic.

If she'd texted about the exam, he could just as easily have replied that he was trying to keep his mind off it and why didn't she text about the lovely time they just had.

He sounds unreasonable.

TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 17:42

Whoa. Doesn't sound like he likes women too much, does it?

Apparently he is totally unsuited to being single, and only wants to meet a good woman/partner.

Previous were alcos, cheaters, embarrassing in public, and in one case a bit of a user

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 17:44

@unfathomablefathoms

He was tragically widowed young and has raised the kids with only a bit of help.from late mum and in-laws

OP posts:
unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 17:44

Previous were alcos, cheaters, embarrassing in public, and in one case a bit of a user

According to him. This is starting to sound a bit Abuser 101.

Happityhap · 02/11/2019 17:48

only wants to meet a good woman/partner.
So your friend is trying to be 'good' enough for him?

unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 17:49

Ok, and how many single mothers do you and your friends describe as very devoted mums? There are plenty out there raising kids with no support from anyone else.

His is a very sad situation, but unfortunately not unique. In and of itself parenting your own children solo doesn't make you "very devoted" compared to other parents. Enduring a personal tragedy doesn't instantly make you a better person.

Treesthemovie · 02/11/2019 17:49

He sounds like a garden variety manipulative wanker. So his sons exam results are coming out...no one can discuss anything else Hmm

Interestedwoman · 02/11/2019 17:49

Nothing 'off' about her saying she enjoyed the day. She'd been supportive about the exam results that day, too. Just because someone's stressed about something, doesn't mean a text about any other subject is banned.

He has a history of being argumentative and insulting.

TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 17:55

The opinions are getting more "anti" with background, I suppose that's natural. It's hard to give an opinion on one incident.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 02/11/2019 18:00

I hope she isn't going to move in with him.

TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 18:11

No, no plans that I'm aware of.

OP posts:
Butterisbest · 02/11/2019 18:22

Definitely beware of anyone that describes their exes in such a derogatory manner.
I'd run away very quickly

NoFun21 · 02/11/2019 18:24

He was being nasty to her.

ChristmasFluff · 02/11/2019 18:33

When you find yourself shocked by someone's response to the normal to and fro of life, that is your cue to run. Run like the wind.

Your friend is slow off the starting blocks. I am reiterating everything people above have said - and her. If she thought he was love's young dream, she wouldn't be asking you to post.

People take others at their own value. 'Your friend' needs to raise their bar.

TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 18:38

Definitely beware of anyone that describes their exes in such a derogatory manner.

I don't like him but in fairness he didn't describe them as such, I just vastly compounded descriptions of heir behaviour.

He told her bits and pieces over the year and a bit and a picture built up.

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 18:42

I don't know any of the women personally, I've seen one in person and can imagine her being boisterous in public with a couple of drinks in, she's in a sport (the same water based activity) in which the female members become a bit like sea based rugger buggers .. hard training, hard competing, hard drinking & partying.

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 18:48

How many women do you and your friends describe as devoted mums? Especially female single parents?

It's v true that society gives credit to men that they don't give to women for (lone) patenting.

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 18:49

*that was in reference to the "embarrassing in public" ex btw.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 02/11/2019 19:20

Your poor friend. I would find that response very upsetting as well.

bluebell34567 · 02/11/2019 19:39

definitely not acceptable. prone for future problems. best get rid. no waste time.

Graphista · 02/11/2019 19:40

What was the nature of his wife's death and has that been verified?

He seems to regularly fall out with women

All exes described as at fault for relationship ending.

Very short relationships

Incapable of apologising

Holds others to higher standards than he seems to hold himself to.

I'd be telling friend to run for the bloody hills!

TarMcAdam · 02/11/2019 20:01

@graphista

It would be disrespectful to expand on it but yes.

As to everything else in your post; spot on.

OP posts:
Innishh · 02/11/2019 20:10

Didn’t we have this thread last week - one of the ex’s apparently banging on the door of the pub etc?

muchadoaboutnoone · 02/11/2019 20:19

OP it sounds as though there are other problems in the relationship. Especially if he isn't apologising. He isn't invested, he isn't as into her as she is to him. If his heart were invested the interactions would be naturally different. Re jumping to conclusion he is abusive, impossible to judge from this, not enough info, I know people who are fiery who are not abusive, and people who are fiery who are abusive.

Innishh · 02/11/2019 20:37

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3722260-The-crazy-ex?noti=1#91152033

Is this the same guy?

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