Brexit ruining family relationships

[vincentsleftear]

I've had an awful row with a relative about Brexit, and after considering the things they said, I'm struggling to see how to rescue things, or if I even want to.
Since my parents died, I've not been that close to my mum's side of the family. We're all pretty far flung now, and to be honest, I don't have that much in common with a lot of them. We do meet up occasionally, but these days it's only a couple of times a year. There is a history of various estrangements in the family, and I think my mum and her siblings were all pretty damaged by their upbringing. I found out after she died that her father (who died when I was a baby) used to beat my grandmother and the children.
I had a normal, middle class upbringing. My parents worked hard, and compared to some other members of the family, we were quite comfortably off. Me being an only child made a difference too. I was happy, but anxious as a child, and I have suffered with mental health problems on and off throughout my life. However, I've held down a steady job, have a lovely husband and child, and life is pretty good.
My relative recently joined Facebook, and hasn't really posted anything so far. My Facebook is quite political - I'm fairly left wing, a remainer, and the majority (though not all!) of people on there are similar. I'm aware of the social media bubbles we build around ourselves, but I do have quite a few friends who have differing views. I would never be so crass as to abuse them online, and I've never had any trouble on my timeline.
At the beginning of the week I posted something about the election, and my relative posted a vitriolic reply, accusing me of being out of touch, a class betrayer, spoilt, arrogant and stupid. She revealed herself to be a Brexit party fan, and really laid in to me. What hurt most though was that she said I always thought I was so fucking wonderful because I went to university, and yet my parents were so disappointed and ashamed of me because of my mental health (I had a breakdown about 25 years ago and couldn't work for nearly a year), and that I was mad like my grandmother on my dad's side (she suffered "with her nerves" as it was referred to years ago).
I was stunned by this - thankfully some of my wonderful friends jumped in and in the nicest way possible verbally eviscerated her.
I know at first my parents didn't really understand my mental health problems, but they were subsequently nothing but supportive. I was in tears that she could say something like this. I've always been open about my mental health when asked, but I don't speak about it much. I really don't know what to do now - I'm tempted to cut her out of my life - but I hate confrontation, and my anxiety has really been ramped up by this. Some fab friends are horrified - I've had people message me asking who the fuck she is, and how out of order she was - this from people that know me far better than her.
I just wanted to rant really, I veer from feeling upset, angry and sick. What would you do?

FB, not fab friends - though they have been fab!

I would block her nasty ass as quick as I could and then move on. You are entitled to your beliefs and political views and if she can’t engage civilly with you, then she doesn’t get to engage at all. No rational person would blame you!

It’s not a class thing— many very rich voted for it. We had similar and I bit my tongue, luckily for me they have now totally done a turn about

This has nothing to do with Brexit, your relative is simply an arsehole. She was being vicious for no reason. Block and move on.

Post something like 'While you can't choose your relatives, you can choose whether to have them in your life. I'm taking a leaf out of Marie Kondo's book. If it doesn't bring joy, you don't need it in your life'

Then block the fucker!

I'd just unfriend her and never speak to her again. I voted leave, but we are all entitled to our own opinions, and Brexit should never become personal.

I’d just block her and move on. I think she’s jealous of you and a bit bitter and using brexit as an excuse to attack you. Your parents wouldnt have been ashamed or disappointed so Ignore that. She’s just being horrible because she can - easier to do online...

I did wonder if it was jealousy - she was estranged from her father (who was a horrible domestic abuser bully) and had always said how lovely my parents were when we were younger.

Agree with others, block. Brexit has been toxic for loads of people's family relationships.

I've fallen out with my Leave voting family mainly because their racism has been given a huge new lease of life by Brexit. I know not all Leave voters are like this though. My mum (terrible racist) is coming for Christmas. Last year my job was under threat because of Brexit, in the end I didn't lose my job but colleagues did, my mum said this was a price worth paying to get terrorists (by which she means muslims) out of the country. She absolutely insists that they were only here because we were in the EU and nothing would convince her otherwise.

Ken, my relative is also convinced that cities are "overrun" with Asians because of Brexit. There is no reasoning with her.

I mean because of the EU - she seems to think Brexit will stop all immigration from South East Asia - ie brown people.

@vincentsleftear
The only thing that pleases me about Brexit is that the racists, who voted Leave to get rid of foreigners, will replace white Europeans Christians (who they hate) with brown Asian muslims (who they really hate). I'm absolutely delighted about that and can't wait for them to realise this.

So basically it’s not about brexit but about your family member being a complete arsehole. I would just be glad that their joining fb/your differing political views have brought all of this to light so you know to just cut them off and get on with your life. What a horrible person.

Yep. Same. My family go on about Brexit and the “fucking Nigerians” who “take all the council houses” they are so stupid that I don’t even bother now to keep telling them that Nigeria isn’t in Europe. It’s just unbelievable. My family will vote for the leave party because they believe it will get rid of Nigerians from the UK. I wonder if the politicians have any idea what’s really going on out here in the real world

Nomoreclue it's awful isn't it? I'm planning a big party next year, and I can't even imagine inviting her and her husband, she would be so out of place. Her gloating about how wonderful Boris and Nigel are made me sick.

Brexit has totally been the last straw for me. I'm 100% remain and my oh is 100% leave. I mean, proper raging Brexiter. I know it's ok for people to have differing political opinions, but when they're OBSESSED with it and you can't even watch the telly together, then it becomes a real problem. I just try to keep my thoughts to myself, but he goes on and on about it, has bloody Farage on the radio and telly and youtube all the time, and it's just unbearable. Even though he knows I'm upset about it, he just won't leave it alone. There's a Brexit Party placard in our bedroom, signed by Ann Widdecombe. Need I say more. . . 😥

@Bearski77 I don't understand how you can stay with someone like that, his behaviour is awful.

Nevermind his Brexit views, the way he treats you and your views is horrible.

OP it’s more about the fact that she personally attacked you, I’d drop her.

@KenDodd you sound very gleeful about that, I’m increasingly worried about the risk of physical attack.

I'm absolutely delighted about that and can't wait for them to realise this.

I'm bloody not. It's not like they'll go "Oh well never mind" when the penny drops.

If you think they're nasty now... Well. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm not surprised you're upset about this, OP: it sounds like a horrible experience. Given the political tenor of your Facebook, I'd say it was fine for your relative to share her point of view and engage in some robust discussion, but the ad hominem attacks were totally unacceptable. Commenting on your mental health in that very public way was truly an awful thing to do.

In general terms, I think it's best to set aside ideological differences with family members: it's sad when politics poison relationships that otherwise could be close and loving (my family is also divided over Brexit, although the roles are reversed - I'm the Leaver). However, it sounds as though the bond between you and your relative was not particularly strong even before the recent incident occurred. Perhaps you should spend a few weeks cooling down and then reflect on whether this is a relationship you want to keep going? I don't think anyone would blame you for deciding otherwise.

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Brexit has done the most awful damage to this country and to personal relationships. I think sometimes it can be used as an excuse to vent at someone you didn't like anyway. i have been on the receiving end of this from a family member who has different political views. It was a vehicle to allow her to abuse me. This person is toxic and has issues with you generally. I would block her and cut any contact. It's harder to do if it's a member of your own family though.

This isn't really about Brexit per se, it just so happens that Brexit has surfaced that your relative is a nasty piece of work.

No-one needs shithawks like that in their lives. I really would block and move on; she sounds like an absolute cunt (and I don't use that word often).

she sounds like a typical brexiteer to me and im not surprised she had a go at you about university. ime many brexiteers dont like education.

This is not about Brexit. It is personal and vicious. To come out with this in a private row would be bad enough, but on Facebook?

I am a EU resident and quite left wing. People on my DH's side have voted Brexit and are Tories. We just know where we stand and avoid the topic. I am still very vocal on Facebook about my views but when we meet up we all get on fine. That woman has issues. It might be a good idea to block, unless you absolutely must see her again ( family gatherings etc)