Getting my DH back

[wXyZ123]

I have been with my DH for over 30 years, he has left me, I don’t think he is happy, I would like him to come back and I am frightened of being alone, this is my story, please help me.

As soon as I met my in-laws I felt intimidated by them. DH shared too much information with them, was too influenced by them, put them first and became melancholy after he saw them. I asked him not to see them, to keep away for as long as it took for things to improve. We had occasional contact which always upset us both.

After about 5 years we married, my parents were unwell and could not attend, I did not want DH’s family there.

After our children were born we saw DH’s sister, we all seemed to get on ok but the relationship fizzled out, DH says that was because there was always an “elephant in the room” – the broken relationship with his parents who even now I have only allowed to see our 18 year old children twice.

I was frustrated that rather than build a social life for us or to recognise the efforts I had made with his sister, DH seemed only to focus on what he did not have with his parents and sister.

Nine years ago, I discovered DH was seeing his parents and contacting his sister behind my back, I gave him an “us or them” ultimatum. Later I discovered I had breast cancer, my oncologist told me the stress of discovering DH’s deceit in seeing his parents may have been a contributory factor. I told DH, I don’t think he accepts any responsibility. Our already minimal sex life dropped to non-existent.

DH tried to broker a thaw in relationships, but all that happened was that he and I rowed, he never saw how hurt I was by his parent’s attitude to me , how frightened I was, only how we had wronged them and how he felt

Three years ago DH walked out, leaving me alone with our children. I let him have space but told him I could not cope unless there was a chance of reconciliation. He said there was, we met a few times, he said he felt he should return but did not want to.

After a year he seemed to want to return, but confessed to an affair with a former girlfriend I was devastated. DH and his parents justified his behaviour suggesting I was at least partly culpable. I wanted DH to be contrite and to break all contact with OW . DH wanted me to make returning appealing to him, to promise not to keep him from his parents and sister. Meanwhile OW would not let him go, threatened me with police action if I contacted her and suggested to the police that DH had been the victim of coercive control inflicted by me. As a result of the police threat and learning of the affair our children don’t want to see DH till the OW is out of the picture.

Now DH tells me that the guilt he feels at having only seen our children once in 3 years (and not at all since he confessed to his affair), at leaving me alone to do everything, at the sorrow he has inflicted, makes him want to return but that he loves OW.

I think DH is depressed and unhappy, that he should leave OW and then try to rebuild a life with me and our children. DH says he wishes he could; rewind time, had handled our differences better and had not got into the position he has.

How can I resolve this? I want the best for me, for DH and our children. When I tell DH how I blame OW he defends her, says its not her fault and that she was his life raft in time of need, that he would like us all (his parents, sister and OW) to be friends – I tell him that is cloud cuckoo land which seems to drive him back to OW

What should I do?

I think any advice is wasted in this particular op.

She can't admit responsibility for any wrong doings and I'm just glad her do escaped this nonsense and found happiness somewhere.

His kids will realise in time .

Here's a simple question for you, OP – do you think ANY of what's happened is your fault?

OP you absolutely cannot stop him seeing his children. You have no grounds or rights to do that. He does not need to promise you anything. Are you saying you are angry at his parents for seeing their own son?! What would you do if your children's future partners tried to stop them seeing you? Coercive control is a criminal offence one of the first factors is isolating people from family and friends. You need to look in the mirror and admit through your iron clad suit of armour that something is wrong and you need some help. Your comments are disturbing to read.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Madness and sadness, I feel so sorry for the poor husband. Just imagine, he spent all his best years, 30 bloody young years with this woman. That's a life wasted. Ok, he could have/should have left MUCH earlier, but for some reason he didn't, and wasted his life. That poor poor man. I sincerely hope he's very happy now with his new NORMAL partner and his family.

OP, you're not just simply abusive/weird/manipulative/bullying/whatever, you're completely CRAZY. And being properly crazy/mad/mentally ill you yourself don't see it, of course. You need serious therapy and medication. Leave your ex-husband and his family alone, you've tormented them enough.

It's you who is the source of all the problems. Not him, not his parents, not the other woman. YOU.

You have overstepped so many boundaries with so many people that you sound completely delusional.

This will come across sarcastic but I actually mean it - you should look into some therapy to unpick why you think your behaviour is acceptable and why you are unable to take responsibility for your own behaviour.

You don't seem to be able to tell from the hundreds of posts on here that everyone is reacting in shock to what you've said - it's that out of the ordinary.

What's your plan now that you aren't together? You will run yourself into the ground being this angry and bitter with no self awareness. So what's the plan for moving on and living your life?

You can't isolate people from anyone you don't like and manipulate them into behaving how you want without being abusive. You have absolutely been abusive. And unfortunately it's caught up with you.

Perhaps it's an opportunity for you to get some personal growth so you can try and be happy instead of exhibiting toxic behaviour that hurts you as well as those around you.

my oncologist told me the stress of discovering DH’s deceit in seeing his parents may have been a contributory factor

^lies

I’m actually lost for words, you are a piece of work!!

he does not realise that most people our age (late 50's) have only infrequent or no sex.

Dh doesn't agree!

It was an affair, he started seeing her before he left, I don't think he would have left if he had not known what was on offer from the OW, I think he stays for the sex,

OMG OP, I just know you've blocked contact between your DC and their father since you have been apart, haven't you? Whether by guilt tripping, manipulation, ultimatums, putting your foot down, imposing ridiculous conditions, creating a sense of allegiance/betrayal, lies, poisoning their minds, whatever... I just know you have created a rift between them to serve your own purposes. Kept them at arms length from him while you "visited at weekends" to try and save your disastrous relationship. And you will blame your husband for this too.

I feel so sad for your DC, and hope you haven't damaged them irreparably with this awful emotional blackmail and dragging them into your own delusions. This is so sad that they have probably lost their dad over your awful behaviour.

I think your children will grow up and get partners who will (quite rightly) give them the ultimatum of them or thier batshit mum, and they should definitely 100% choose the partner. Your husband and you sound as bonkers as each other to be fair because I have no clue why he’d be continuing this contact with you.

Please please please see a therapist or your GP ASAP.

MsPavlichenko:

'You need help clearly to move forward. I suggest you see your GP as a first step.'

People with NPD are notorious of course for never seeing that they have any problem.

"I should accept my culpability - but what of his culpability, his parents condoning his secret contact with them "

Secret contact with his own parents? You can jog on with that one!

You're completely batshit.

Either DH wants to come back or he is stringing me along: witness this exchange over the last week:

OP to DH Are you having a fun weekend? I am tired, cold, wet with sore arms en route back from shops This time next year I will be returning to a cold empty house , not a welcome prospect

DH to OP, Not especially- actually quite melancholic and reflective,

OP to DH On your own?

DH to OP With parents but not OW

OP to DH Doesn’t matter not sure why I asked couldn’t feel any worse than I do, You spend a lot of time there, Helping or avoiding

DH to OP Perhaps both

OP to DH Typical middle of the road response

DH to OP I am still the typical me

OP to DH Well hopefully kept the good bits but with greater empathy and understanding. She didn’t have to do what she did she could have just blocked my number from her phone. Nice you are helping hard not to feel resentful

DH to OP Yes when I run out of helpful things to do I feel strongly that I should be helping you

OP to DH I am just so very tired of everything, us, the responsibility for everything, endless things to do and constant health issues

DH to OP I know

OP to DH I suppose I wanted more than a 2 word response but no amount of words matter if there is no action to go with it

DH to OP I know what you need me to do, I know that saying I know and not appearing to do anything does not help. I know so much

OP to DH It’s also what you need to do for you. Well you can escape now got to get home via food shop then cook so no more time to text

DH to OP I am reading a book The school of life, an emotional education. I know you are likely to respond telling me that you have no time to read and anyway if you had, don’t have the concentration, but it’s quite helpful

OP to DH Hard not to feel resentful / envious of you seemingly endless free time whilst I am just further drowning in all there is to do along and not in great physical shape
Just finished food shopping cold wet long walk home Laden down with shopping doubt anyone where you are is the least bit bothered of me so totally have I been erased

DH to OP Occasionally they ask after you, if I opened up And talked about you they would show concern just as they tried to in the past

OP to DH Really? Well if so it would be ‘the done thing ‘ to do with the same genuine level of concern shown about cancer which disappeared the moment the affair became known. just what level of genuine concern did they show for me when condoning adultery , deceipt and police intervention pls do enlighten me
Must have been all those supportive letters father sent which never arrived perhaps?
And why do you avoid answering anything to do with that woman. Why did t she just block my phone no, have you taken her to task over that or just gone along reflecting and reinforcing your family acceptance of that
It’s not a question of what I want you to do’ take responsibility and stop hiding behind others it’s what you want /should do. You have spent long enough telling me how you went along with me well you sure as hell have managed to do your own thing the last 3 years half the time I do t know if you are dead or alive for all that seems to bother anyone Just wake up to the reality, other than polite expressions of concern there is no concern for me at all. Doubtless there would be abhorrence at the thought of any reconciliation, you need to get your head around that. Even you can’t ignore your fathers silence and sisters legal threat

DH to OP I thought my response to your midday and subsequent text was ameliorative, I was beginning think the subsequent dialogue was positive, now it is decidedly negative - I’m sorry for my part in making it so but will stop for now, good night

OP to DH Well that’s me told. It’s positive until I say something you don’t like then it’s negative. How fair is that I would be delighted to be wrong about how your family view me sadly I don’t think I am and if we are to move forward at all you need to accept that. I thought when we met you had agreed that your father was never going to change his view. Why, if her only concern was of me contacting her and wanting to stop that with no other motive , didn’t she just block my number?

DH to OP Perhaps against my better judgement here I am replying! I find it hard to text nuanced responses - or to read nuance into what you send I know you categorise my nuances and seeing of both sides as fence sitting.
All our behaviours are the (sometimes extreme and unjustified) product of previous and current environments/ experiences hopes, expectations and fears- the more I reflect the more I think I understand us all - if you really want me to I will compose a response explaining why ( I think) each of us has behaved as we have but not sure there is any real point - the key it seems to me is fear, insecurity and self defence

OP to DH I really don’t I understand the point of what you have written No I do t want or need a dissertation , really? Clearly you have more time than sense
I was trying to make two basic points

1. Your family have no concern for me at all, your father silence your sister hiding behind legal threats. You yourself acknowledged last time we met your father is never going to change. Had they the least concern for me they would have taken you to task for your abject failings and woeful behaviour over the last 3 years. I am more than happy to be proved wrong but as already said but not acknowledged I sadly dont think that will happen . You only have to look at the rapid and joyful sharing of our split with the recipients of the news understanding your sons are thriving to know where they come from
2. The easy way to avoid contact from me if that was her only agenda was to block my phone no. As you didn’t respond I have to assume the answer was no you didn’t take her to task or challenge her about this. She wanted to drive us apart and completely alienate you from us. She succeeded. Her ‘fairy tale ‘ does t include a ( non particularly well) wife and two children

Given I am not doing that well , have tried to support your depression , have been run off my feet today how do you think any of your communication has helped? An offer to a long explanation is the final straw You say you want to come back to me/us I have gone against all my instincts to be in touch and yet again I get nothing after just silence, monosyllabic answers, ignoring if my questions and a remarkable degree of tactlessness Your answers show no care, compassion, love , understanding the not even a how are you, how are you hoping, thinking of you etc, I am is on the sofa made up as a bed since I broke my elbow never dismantled as usually so tired post supper I still need it I am sorry but I am humiliated , hurt, knackered and still not entirely convinced you are not leading me along . You make no effort to contact me, to reassure me or to show any interest / concern for me well that’s how it feels anyway sitting here cold, tired , and alone

DH to OP Thank you for your apology. Although I do realise / can imagine how you feel and how you are – it brings it home to think of you setting up the sitting room as your bedroom and sitting there cold and alone – I’m sorry, I do care and do think about you and the children a lot.
I feel extreme guilt and some resentment that we got to the point, long before I left, that I came to see leaving and a new relationship (with anybody – I had begun to see any woman as a bedding prospect) as appealing and then that I did indeed leave. We should never have let things get that far and when they did I should have been honest and taken the time to try to salvage us - but I did not and I am sorry.
I don’t know this but I imagine that my parent’s and sister’s ready acceptance of what I have done is borne at least in part by the fact that the cloud of my poor behaviour has the silver lining of restored contact with me. The previous lack of which was (though I accept difficult, risky and frightening for you) in your gift to allow me to correct. My sister and my parents are both frightened of you, in the past (at least as they see it) you kept me away. Now I am back, I imagine they fear that If I go back to you they will lose me again, I certainly fear losing them (you pointed out in an earlier text that I will soon have missed 1/6 of DC’s life, they missed almost half on mine – not that that makes my absence right).
Yes I know I agreed last week that my father is unlikely to change his dislike for you but I do hope that if I return to you and you allow me contact with him, mother and sister he may at least thaw slightly, and that you would let him– as I think he would have if we had resolved things properly decades ago.
OW fears loosing me and fears I may return to past unhappiness’s. – I remonstrated with both OW and Jmy sister re police and legal action (actual and threatened) both seem to feel justified in what they did – think you are a bully who needed to have a taste of her own medicine (both know of your previous “them or us” threats regarding me attending for example my uncle’s funeral funeral). Both know I think their actions disproportionate, both think that shows how totally in your thrall I still am.
I do want to try to retrieve us, I know that takes trust and courage on your part, the necessary steps terrify me.

OP to DH I feel My head is exploding with banging it against the brick wall it was in YOUR gift to stand up to your family, THEIR gift not to interfere. Yet again No mention if efforts I made for your sister I am speechless at the admission police was a taste of my own medicine really? So my fear over a funeral where yet again you would come back melancholy deserves that? From someone who has never met me and showed no regard for your children and someone who threw my attempts back on my face
How can you even have the gall and total insensitivity to tell me that,So tell me if I had put the police on your dad re his letters or threatened your sister with police action that would have been acceptable then and you are really expecting them to thaw?
I hope you all rot in hell for what you have done to your children ( one under achieving academically, aggressive , desperate for sex probably to feel wanted, the other addicted to gaming and the gym ) and me stress induced ( yes I know you all laugh at that funny I don’t ) cancer.
I might have struggled fitting into your family but never deceived you, committed adultery or walked out on our children. I have tired to understand autism , to support you in depression and what do I get in return all? you callously telling me their actions acceptable as they wanted to teach me a lesson. That whore just joined in with the fun now we get the truth had nothing to do with fear of me ( she could have just blocked the phone no yet again you ignore that) ritual humiliation and punish me pls explain how having the police ring at 10 pm Easter Sunday was a taste of my own medicine when I never did that to you
I think you all deserve each other Sleep well knowing and please do tell them to their delight their actions have left me in fear of a knock on the door, an unexpected letter or phone call and deeply traumatised But hey who gives a fuck about me
If that’s your idea of a supportive text don’t bother sending any more

DH to OP You asked repeatedly if I had raised the issues and what the response was
Why do you ask then tell me I should not answer - I don’t need an answer to that
I’m sorry that what as I said earlier seemed to start ameliorative ended otherwise - I should have left off when I first said goodnight

OP to DH That last text incomprehensible to me, Do you ever read or take on board what I say So clearly wasn’t to prevent contact from me but to punish me . More lies then when you have constantly told me otherwise. Rather bizarre logic from the coven since I want nothing to do with that fruit cake and my letter to your sister was a genuine olive branch in thought of you. It’s no skin off my nose, rather off yours, If she doesn’t want to be in touch
So I wonder what an appropriate punishment for soliciting a married man, adultery , going along with his deceit brutalising and alienating him from his family would be? Please do tell me do I can inflict it
Pity none of them considered the ‘punishment’ affected our sons as well but I suppose that’s excused by the collective childlessness
Doubtless cancer, broken elbow , investigations, surgery and weight of all are seen as due punishments too . How they must be delighting in my misfortunes How very Christian
Telling me ‘in my gift’ is about as tactful as if I told your mother it was in her gift not to be depressed. Your family affected me badly mentally , obvious to anyone but you
Well gloat in my punishments lying here contemplating life for what it’s worth I have just found a large lump in my armpit. I am sure the Russian roulette will favour the self appointed punishers sooner rather than later.

DH to OP The trouble with texts is its hard to review what one writes - neither said ‘own medicine” that was my poor choice of words I think it was OW who said she felt she had to stand up to you - anyway I’m not defending , just unwisely answering the questions you posed .I do get your resentment I am alarmed to hear you have found an arm pit lump . I do care

Just leave the poor man alone.

No one texts like that. This thread is becoming too sensational to be true. But, if it is true, the line my sister and my parents are both frightened of you speaks volumes, OP.

STOP ENGAGING WITH HIM

live your own life, stop picking at the scab you've created

OP, there is someone very like you in my family.

You are not well - please seek help. I've never said this before, but if you do decide to see a counsellor, it might be useful to show them your posts on this thread.

Later I discovered I had breast cancer, my oncologist told me the stress of discovering DH’s deceit in seeing his parents may have been a contributory factor.

Sorry. You may have misinterpreted your doctor but no oncologist would say this. You might have misheard this because you wanted to blame your husband.

Your poor bloody husband. He clearly feels a responsibility to you for whatever reason.

He isn't responsible for you at all but you have conditioned him to feel responsible. That poor man.

You op are horrendous. Leave the poor man alone you absolute fucking loon? Get help. You are a monster. Why can't you get it?

You sent abusive texts and a letter to his new partner but you think she's at fault for not blocking you?

Can't you see how crazy that is?

Also your ex is only communicating with you in the hopes of keeping touch with the kids. He's not going to get back with you.

OP, you need to seek professional help.

Wow.
Do you have any diagnosed MH conditions OP? If none, do you suspect that you have any?

OP, you're wrong. He neither wants to come back nor is he stringing you along.

OP. You are one sick puppy. Stop. Leave him the fuck alone. He is just trying to not a dick to you, he is being polite. This is not a reconciliation. I doubt you have any friends because if you did they would have told you in no uncertain terms how awful and manipulative you are. Take the advice on this thread in lieu of genuine friends and go and get some help. You really, really need it.

Am starting to think OP is just a wind-up merchant writing a Pride and Prejudice pastiche set in modern times.

But just in case this is genuine- OP you are dictating every response and emotion your ex husband is supposed to feel. Your texts consistently belittle him and seek to press him into submission of doing things your way.

You are obsessing over the police report - you keep bringing this point up. You need to let it go. Be an adult.

He did not cause your cancer - he has every right to laugh over this comment with his family.

The man is brow-beaten by you and evidently finds it hard to remove himself from familiar patterns or behaviour where he seeks to ameliorate your anger at him. This only seems to anger you more because the poor sod hasn't completely bowed down to your demands.

You consistently paint yourself the victim. It is ironic that you pull him up for not showing concern about your wellbeing considering how combative and self-obsessed your own were!

He used the word ‘ameliorative’. And he used it in a text 😂😂

OP you are absolutely bonkers. I mean seriously you are a deranged person and probably abusive too.

Your texts read like insane ranting and you sound like and awful person to have been married to. A perpetual victim.

You cannot get cancer from your husband having an affair.

And you are truly awful for forcing your husband to abandon his family for the pettiest of reasons.

Jesus can anyone be more delusional? Op. Get help. You are not well. Your husband deserves some happiness in his latter years and sounds like he found it . Leave him alone now! You made him miserable!