Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I see all his messages to OW - help me stop this madness

55 replies

loula8 · 30/10/2019 22:42

Please help me get out of this loop, god I need help, my head is in bits.

My partner of 19 years told me he fell in love with OW at work about 5 months ago. She's married with 2 children, and from what I can see he was/is completely obsessed with her.

We are not married but have a DD who is in her teens and lives with us.

We had been growing apart, but the fact he didn't' even give me a chance to work things out with him before I saw her whats app messages pop up declaring "undying love" for him, and his "I miss you badly" messages back to her, has nearly destroyed me. It threw me into PTSD, it was utterly shud, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I was unrepaired for what it felt like bordering on the insane reaction I had mentally. I shocked me, and I'm still healing.

He said she was "a mistake" and he realises there is no future because she won't leave her husband. Since then we had counseling, and he says he wants to be with me, we've limped on for a few weeks (and at the time I thought I wanted to stay with him) but he said he needs time to "reconnect with me emotionally again" and I need to give him time to "get over her." WTF Really? In the meantime when we are together he keeps staring off into space and being mostly ABSENT emotionally.

In the meantime, he doesn't know I have access to his email, we share devices. Part of my request for him for me to be able to trust him ever again was to break off all contact with her for good. I can see that he hasn't done that at all, and the communication continues, even though he says he has stopped seeing her.

When I confront him about this, he lies to me saying he has cut off contact, but I know he hasn't. I read his messages to her saying he "misses her" and that he is walking on "thin ice" at home, even though he says to me, he wants to be with me!!!

I've asked him to leave loads of times, thrown his stuff out of our room, be he has very little money and can't support two homes.

After our last row, he has stopped talking to me, he only speaks to me if I initiate conversation.

Do I move out with DD? what should I do?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2019 22:45

Of course you should leave him, better yet, kick him out. Total deal breaker.

Unwrittenrule · 30/10/2019 23:03

Well you certainly need to take back control, whether that means leaving yourself or insisting he does. What is your housing situation, rent or mortgage and in whose name? Do you work or SAHM?

LanternLighter · 30/10/2019 23:14

I completely understand, when I found out about OW, I flipped out and did things I never dreamed I could do and yes felt too that I was on the edge of a breakdown. But that is totally acceptable when you’ve had something so horrendous happen to you. It is a trauma and if you don’t react now it will just come out in the future.
Don’t feel that you are losing yourself though. You are stronger than you can ever imagine and you will get through this.
Kick that piece of shit out! Move on. You will be stronger and so much better.
Sending you hugs

FetchezLaVache · 30/10/2019 23:18

he has very little money and can't support two homes

How much of a problem is this? Do you not work? I see you're not married, so he's not obliged to support you. Are you in the UK? I should get some advice, see what you might be entitled to by way of support. But you need to end this relationship - he is treating you with such utter disdain that it's hard to see any possible way back. Wishing you all the best, OP.

Faith50 · 30/10/2019 23:26

I am so sorry OP

In my opinion there are a number of reasons why you need to call it a day.

Your partner said the ow will not leave her husband which means if she did he would be with her.

Your partner said you need to give him time to get over OW. So, you are expected to comfort him while he pines over the ow?

Your partner has failed to cut contact with ow. You cannot even begin to think about moving forward until he does.

Your partner is discussing you with ow and in a derogatory manner.

Cecilandsnail · 30/10/2019 23:30

Dump him from a great height. Your future happy self will thank you. What a DICK.

Stillfunny · 30/10/2019 23:36

Oh, I can so relate to you. The madness in your mind is all consuming,isn't it.? I am crying once again,contempla ting the s hit that is my life now. Also think I am having a breakdown.Dr. wants me to admit myself to a mental health clinic.
Easy to say "just kick him out " , but being financially destitute won't do much for our mental well being either, will it ? I am also stuck as he could not afford to support two households and I can not work as I have care r responsibilities for elderly relative.
No advice really ,just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Try to get some RL support. Perhaps something will occur that will make you feel ready to leave. He really is not committed to working on the marriage ,if he continued to contact OW. How can he deny it when you have proof ? How insulting to you to lie about it. And then sulk!

MsPepperPotts · 30/10/2019 23:40

He's worse than awful.
If you can manage to leave him you will not regret it for one minute.

RhinoskinhaveI · 30/10/2019 23:48

Is very unfair to leave you in pain like that while he wistfully stares off in the distance🤬
Is very bad of him to just twist the knife like that 🤬
I think he is utterly self obsessed and completely unable to empathize 🤬

RhinoskinhaveI · 30/10/2019 23:50

the only reason to stay with him would be if you plan to try and get your own back someway... but it's never really worth it as tempting as it is
the sooner you get away the sooner you can start to heal

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/10/2019 23:50

Does her DH know ?
Some people just cheat for the fun of it, but they don't actually want to split up from their partners.
And teen ? There's a big difference between a 13yo and a 19

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/10/2019 23:52

There is no doubt that when something unexpected and awful happens like this then you are traumatised. I have been there . It is just horrible You gave him a chance and he has fucked you over yet again by continuing to contact her and discuss you with her. The man is a liar and a cheat . Please get rid of him now and spare yourself any more misery and wasted time with him.

Your future happy self will thank you I like this and I am in this position now .

aweedropofsancerre · 30/10/2019 23:52

How awful for you. To be aware he is only
With you because she didn’t leave her DH. I don’t know what your legal position is in relation to where you stay however if you can ask him to leave that would be what I would do. No way would uproot my DC from her home

Needhelp101 · 30/10/2019 23:52

Go straight to this site www.chumplady.com and read it thoroughly.

I really feel for you. It's almost the worst pain there is. As Cecilandsnail says, dump his arse from a great height.

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 30/10/2019 23:58

Your future happy self will indeed thank you for ending this now, hard though it is to walk away after 19 years.

HorridHamble · 30/10/2019 23:59

Oh OP. He has utterly broken your relationship. You and DD can’t continue living in the same home as him. It must be near unbearable.

What is your housing situation? Owners or joint tenants? Do you have your own income? You say he cannot support 2 homes and he has little money. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling guilty or worried for him. He has created this situation. Not you.

Know that although this may feel like the end of the world, you and your DD deserve so much better. You will get through this. I speak from experience. It took me far too long to muster the courage to throw him out for good. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

Ryah76 · 31/10/2019 00:00

Sending you a hug. I am in a similar situation, only no children involved and I found out about his feelings for her o our wedding anniversary. It’s been 7 weeks since and I think (hope) I’m through the random crying and obsessive thinking of them together. I know it’s sounds cliche but you will get through the pain. Don’t deny your emotions, if you need to cry, shout, rant - do it!get it out, the sooner you do the clearer your head will be and you can then think hard about what you want to do.

MatildaJane · 31/10/2019 00:17

Your partner sounds like he's being immature and not facing up to things, and yes I agree, he is not showing you respect. People don't usually change - if someone has had an affair once, they are more likely to do it again. Don't you move out, kick HIM out, you are not the one who started this! I agree with the previous comments, that it's the financial worry that is the biggest problem. Try to get some advice from social services, you must be entitled to housing benefit if you are on your own?? Hang in there, a few months down the line you will be much happier. Good luck!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/10/2019 00:17

I don't wish to minimise your pain in any way OP but - PTSD - really?

PTSD can only be diagnosed by a clinician and would not normally be diagnosed for a relationship breakup unless there was significant abuse involved.

Stop reading his messages. It's not doing to do you any good and can only bring you down. Seek help re your housing situation. LHA, CAB, Shelter etc. You might be able to bluff him into leaving but it looks like he won't be fooled, so look at solo housing options.

BringMeAGinandTonic · 31/10/2019 00:19

I went thought this and I know the pain of it. It hurts. It broke me. It took time, but the wounds healed, yours will too. You need to love yourself enough to leave, as it sounds like he is just done, despite what he says to you. It's going to be hard but you will get through it. Do you have friends/family for support and for somewhere to stay until you sort all through this?

...and that he is walking on "thin ice" at home, even though he says to me, he wants to be with me!!!

The fact he is not only saying (lying) he no longer is in contact with her but also confiding in her the problems in your relationship is exactly what mine did. She should not be that person to him to hear his problems with you, considering her part in all of this. It's just not right.

It sounds like he is not in this relationship anymore and that he has "checked out." Mine did too. That's how you know it's time to move on. Mine said he wanted things to work between us. I think now it's because he felt an obligation because we'd been together so long. I only found out nearly a year after I found out he was seeing someone else that he had "checked out" of our relationship. Had I known earlier, I could've left. I felt a fool trying to make things work between us and here he was, just done.

So ya, it's hard and it's going to be hard for awhile but be kind on yourself and know that one day it will start to get easier bit by bit.

Hugs.

RhinoskinhaveI · 31/10/2019 00:20

He has about as much self-awareness as a 3-year old👶

TheStuffedPenguin · 31/10/2019 00:23

I don't wish to minimise your pain in any way OP but - PTSD - really?

Unless you have been in this situation it is impossible for you to judge . I have been there -thought I was been followed , ran about with a knife in my bag, scared to go outside at times, wanting to be dead just to name a few . It is well known that this trauma is common in situations like this and that health is adversely affected . Here is just one ...

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

Interestedwoman · 31/10/2019 00:55

IMO (and I may be wrong, but in a way it doesn't matter) if they're saying all this, undying love etc, and then he says he's 'walking on thin ice at home,' what he means is that he wants to see more of her etc but can't at the moment because his home life is at risk. Once he no longer feels like he's walking on thin ice and at risk of being thrown out or something, once he's lulled you into thinking nothing's happening, he and she can get back to business as usual. Grrrr.

'he said he needs time to "reconnect with me emotionally again"'

He should fuck off.

' and I need to give him time to "get over her."'

Fuck off.

'In the meantime when we are together he keeps staring off into space and being mostly ABSENT emotionally.'

And then fuck off some more.

You need to split with him for your mental health and self esteem. So sorry you have to deal with this behaviour, it must be horrible :( Hugs xxxxx

Hollyhobbi · 31/10/2019 01:09

My ex husband is still abusing me through the Court system in Ireland 7 years after we legally separated and 4 years after we divorced. I had to change my phone number and mark his emails as spam as he would send me pages of his court case documents by email (over 70 pages one time with over 20 documents attached)! He was going to sue me in the High Court in Dublin but that case was withdrawn as part of our divorce settlement. He is still suing his own solicitors (the first firm he hired) and the first firm of solicitors I had). I had to engage a second firm after he started suing the first firm! These cases started in 2014. He even came into my work one day and tried to serve legal papers on me! He has received free legal aid from 4 different places in Ireland. The 4th place had me down as a party to their case because he was trying to reopen our divorce and they were coming off record for him. He didn't even turn up. On the way out of the court the solicitor told us she wasn't the solicitor acting for my ex husband all along. That solicitor was out of work due to stress related illness! My ex is so bad he's stressing out solicitors trying to act for him! So I think it is very possible for people to have PTSD and other health problems due to their exes!!

Boltyarocket · 31/10/2019 03:44

Time to go nuclear.

Tell her husband and provide him with all the evidence that you have.

Tell your friends and family what he's been up to.

Tell him to find somewhere else to live as you need space and time to decide what YOU want.

Flip

1 2 3