I see all his messages to OW - help me stop this madness

[loula8]

Please help me get out of this loop, god I need help, my head is in bits.

My partner of 19 years told me he fell in love with OW at work about 5 months ago. She's married with 2 children, and from what I can see he was/is completely obsessed with her.

We are not married but have a DD who is in her teens and lives with us.

We had been growing apart, but the fact he didn't' even give me a chance to work things out with him before I saw her whats app messages pop up declaring "undying love" for him, and his "I miss you badly" messages back to her, has nearly destroyed me. It threw me into PTSD, it was utterly shud, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I was unrepaired for what it felt like bordering on the insane reaction I had mentally. I shocked me, and I'm still healing.

He said she was "a mistake" and he realises there is no future because she won't leave her husband. Since then we had counseling, and he says he wants to be with me, we've limped on for a few weeks (and at the time I thought I wanted to stay with him) but he said he needs time to "reconnect with me emotionally again" and I need to give him time to "get over her." WTF Really? In the meantime when we are together he keeps staring off into space and being mostly ABSENT emotionally.

In the meantime, he doesn't know I have access to his email, we share devices. Part of my request for him for me to be able to trust him ever again was to break off all contact with her for good. I can see that he hasn't done that at all, and the communication continues, even though he says he has stopped seeing her.

When I confront him about this, he lies to me saying he has cut off contact, but I know he hasn't. I read his messages to her saying he "misses her" and that he is walking on "thin ice" at home, even though he says to me, he wants to be with me!!!

I've asked him to leave loads of times, thrown his stuff out of our room, be he has very little money and can't support two homes.

After our last row, he has stopped talking to me, he only speaks to me if I initiate conversation.

Do I move out with DD? what should I do?

So sorry, @loula8. Beyond painful.

What you can/should do depends a lot on your housing situation. Do you rent? Own? Whose names? And do you work?

One foot in front of the other for now. You will get through this

He said she was "a mistake" and he realises there is no future because she won't leave her husband.

If that's what he said he should be out already. Seriously he told you there's no future BECAUSE she won't leave her husband. He told you he's only with you BECAUSE she won't leave her husband. If she had, he'd be gone... Seriously, listen to what he's telling you and act on it. He didn't "pick you" he stayed because she didn't "pick him".... I can't understand why you wasted another second after that line.

He won’t have to support two households, why does he think that?

If he doesn’t want to move out then you can go. One of you has to make the move and your child deserves a happy home as they will be aware of what’s going on.

Can't understand why ow doesn't block him. You could let her know you know.
Seriously, get advice about kicking him out. If not possible leave, with dd if she wants to come. You need to seperate financially, he should support his child.

If that's what he said he should be out already. Seriously he told you there's no future BECAUSE she won't leave her husband. He told you he's only with you BECAUSE she won't leave her husband. If she had, he'd be gone... Seriously, listen to what he's telling you and act on it. He didn't "pick you" he stayed because she didn't "pick him".... I can't understand why you wasted another second after that line

This thrice over

@Unwrittenrule I moved to Germany with him - and we own the house 50/50. I guess I need to go see a german lawyer to see where we stand? As we are not married, I have income, but not enough to cover all house expenses.

@LanternLighter Thank you! I feel like a Bambi stuck in the headlights, but all the incredible replies to this thread have OPENED MY EYES finally. Thank god for all of you here.

@Boltyarocket should I go the "tell the husband route??" is this something you tried, did it get the result you wanted? I have thought about this.

EvenmoreFurious my SiL has been diagnosed with PTSD following her discovery that BiL has been paying prostitutes for a particular type of sex for almost the whole of their very long marriage. She too saw all his messaging to these very very young women on their linked devices. She is in an awful state mentally and is having medication and counselling to help her deal with it. Don't be so dismissive of the impact these situations can have. PTSD takes several forms, it's not confined to combatants.

@SqueezyKetchupBottle we own the place together.

@Bellringer thank you, I need to hear this.

@Cecilandsnail yes, thank you, I feel this now!!!

It threw me into PTSD

It upset you, unsurprisingly. PTSD is used far too liberally nowadays.

@Stillfunny I hear you, and am sending you a big hug. Knowing that you have been going through a similar thing makes me realise that my reaction was normal. I am thinking about you, and if it helps I believe the thing NOT to do is go into mental destruct mode, or if you/I have to keep the episodes short and go and see a friend/relative/therapist who will listen. I had another episode this morning, where I broke down, but I feel the episodes are getting shorter, and I have things to look forward, I hope you do too?

It’s good that you realise that you have PTSD as many people in your situation don’t. The reason you feel like you are going crazy is...you are going crazy. Your emotional coping mechanisms are overwhelmed. You are receiving in conflicting information from your husband who’s words do not match his actions. Your reaction is normal. It will subside. It will take time. Google “Betrayal Trauma”. This is what you have. Research it. Understand what you are dealing with. Understand that you will need help.

From his point of view, his whole house of cards has crumbled rather rapidly. Reality has flooded in unexpectedly. He has no answers to give and is numb from realising the scale of the impact his actions have had. Discovery Day was a game changer for him also. During his affair day-to-day life was manageable. A lie here, an omission there and life trundled on without a hitch. When the veil drops, the fallout is immeasurable; the fantasy ends. Real life starts again but this time it’s far from him-drum. He is in an emotional no-man’s land. He’s neither with his OW nor with you. The future looks uncertain, painful and difficult. This may be a pickle of his own making but it’s a pickle none the less. That is why he is emotionally absent and cannot give you the support and answers you need.

@Absolom thank you!!! I need this right now. Been holding it together, not wanting to have to deal with another break-up, I was married and had a daughter in my 20's. 50 now, and feel like history is repeating itself, and out of stubbornness and a defiant "I've got this" keep clinging on to any straggle of hope, that I can fix this. God I think i am delusional (and that's the problem) having seen all the comments and support here, I realise how delusional I've been.

@Jabbercocky thank you!!!! OMG this is exactly what is going on. Thank you for putting it into clear and understandable words...

" That is why he is emotionally absent and cannot give you the support and answers you need."

And that's what I have been doing, wanting to lean on him emotionally, and get support from him, but it's been like squeezing water out of dry rag.

Ok, now I know it's over. Thank you again.

Dear op, this must be so hard for you. You can't stay with this man as difficult as this may be but for your self worth you should leave him

I don't wish to minimise your pain in any way OP but - PTSD - really?

yes, really.

Infidelity is ABUSE. People report that being raped, having cancer, having their house burn down, even LOSING A CHILD .... is not as devastating as intimate betrayal by the person they trusted most.

I was so traumatised that I harmed myself. The blood would spatter up the wall. Why? - Because that physical pain might distract me from the internal pain (the same motive in cutting btw). PS: that physical pain barely touched the emotional agony.

I was formally diagnosed with PTSD and they talked about sectioning. You have no idea @EvenMoreFuriousVexation. There is nothing that will ever hurt me as much.

Its funny, people understand the anguish of someone who has witnessed the loss of their family in an accident or civil war - but that really is what infidelity does. It destroys your family and you are helplessly watching.

I am fine now and can't believe I was that out of control person, but please don't minimise the trauma of intimate betrayal. I am not alone [in describing that trauma], clearly:

"when I found out about OW, I flipped out and did things I never dreamed I could do and yes felt too that I was on the edge of a breakdown. But that is totally acceptable when you’ve had something so horrendous happen to you."

"I went thought this and I know the pain of it. It hurts. It broke me. It took time, but the wounds healed, yours will too."

"There is no doubt that when something unexpected and awful happens like this then you are traumatised. I have been there . It is just horrible "

"The madness in your mind is all consuming,isn't it.? I am crying once again,contempla ting the s hit that is my life now. Also think I am having a breakdown.Dr. wants me to admit myself to a mental health clinic."

I think so called 'primitive' societies are not wrong in their understanding of the damage of adultery. People who help other people destroy their families - both of them should be fucking slowly hung from cranes.

PTSD is most definitely a thing when it comes to Betrayal Trauma. Not all betrayals create trauma and not all traumas lead to PTSD, but believe me - there is a clear line for many between a loved one’s betrayal and life-long PTSD symptoms: anger, irritability, inability to concentrate, flash backs, depression, repetitive and distressing thoughts, sleep problems, avoidance of people, places and situations, genuine physical pain (aching, sweating, headaches). It is all deeply upsetting and can often lead to Rumination OCD - the constant looping of “why, why, why?” and prolonged imaginary confrontations with the people who have wronged them. It lasts forever years. For decades. The problem is worsened when the the PTSD is actually Complex PTSD (cPTSD) which is where lots and lots of small abuses over a prolonged amount of time, culminate in the disorder. This is harder to treat because it doesn’t have a singe genesis on which to focus treatment - the sufferer is more broken. A person can be particularly at risk of cPTSD when, after an initial revelation (eg an affair) there follows lots of smaller revelations (eg porn use, gambling debts) or by generally unkind behaviours: blaming; trickle truthing, minimising, stonewalling, over-promising, lying by omission, abandonment etc etc, that all stack up at time when the victim’s emotional resilience is at an all time low.

Oh yes, PTSD in Betrayal Trauma is a thing.

Finding out about an affair is more than a bit upsetting. When I found out about my partners betrayal, I suddenly developed severe psoriasis and my hair started to fall out in clumps.

@ScreamingLadySutch that is an extreme reaction. You must have been very fragile to begin with.
My x cheated on me and his not valuing the relationship turned me off him. It was a shock and all, but what you describe 😯🤔
And i had to relocate with 2 kids under 3. So I wasnt in a great place, praftically or financially. But infidelity doesnt hurt 99% of people the way you describe.

Say someone has PTSD from traumatic childhood or past experiences. It's perfectly possible that a preexisting PTSD can be triggered by a current life event.

Infidelity is ABUSE. People report that being raped, having cancer, having their house burn down, even LOSING A CHILD .... is not as devastating as intimate betrayal by the person they trusted

I'm sorry but that's complete bollocks.

If you really feel more traumatised by your partner knocking boots with someone else as opposed to the thought of your child dying, then you have seriously fucked up priorities.

Infidelity is ABUSE. People report that being raped, having cancer, having their house burn down, even LOSING A CHILD .... is not as devastating as intimate betrayal by the person they trusted

Couldn't agree more. What utter crap! To try and argue that losing a child could be worse than infidelity is nonsense.