I see all his messages to OW - help me stop this madness

[loula8]

Please help me get out of this loop, god I need help, my head is in bits.

My partner of 19 years told me he fell in love with OW at work about 5 months ago. She's married with 2 children, and from what I can see he was/is completely obsessed with her.

We are not married but have a DD who is in her teens and lives with us.

We had been growing apart, but the fact he didn't' even give me a chance to work things out with him before I saw her whats app messages pop up declaring "undying love" for him, and his "I miss you badly" messages back to her, has nearly destroyed me. It threw me into PTSD, it was utterly shud, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I was unrepaired for what it felt like bordering on the insane reaction I had mentally. I shocked me, and I'm still healing.

He said she was "a mistake" and he realises there is no future because she won't leave her husband. Since then we had counseling, and he says he wants to be with me, we've limped on for a few weeks (and at the time I thought I wanted to stay with him) but he said he needs time to "reconnect with me emotionally again" and I need to give him time to "get over her." WTF Really? In the meantime when we are together he keeps staring off into space and being mostly ABSENT emotionally.

In the meantime, he doesn't know I have access to his email, we share devices. Part of my request for him for me to be able to trust him ever again was to break off all contact with her for good. I can see that he hasn't done that at all, and the communication continues, even though he says he has stopped seeing her.

When I confront him about this, he lies to me saying he has cut off contact, but I know he hasn't. I read his messages to her saying he "misses her" and that he is walking on "thin ice" at home, even though he says to me, he wants to be with me!!!

I've asked him to leave loads of times, thrown his stuff out of our room, be he has very little money and can't support two homes.

After our last row, he has stopped talking to me, he only speaks to me if I initiate conversation.

Do I move out with DD? what should I do?

@ScreamingLadySutch are you for real? As someone who did suffer PTSD, triggered after my daughter almost died for the second time in two years, I find your comment disgusting.

I'm not disputing someone could suffer PTSD after being cheated on, but to say you care more about who your husband is shagging than your own child's life or even your own life is absolutely ridiculous. Your priorities are fucked.

Could you lot knock it off and stop derailing?

Op you'll get hand-holding and good practical advice on here if you keep posting.

Please ignore people who are pulling you up on word choices or attempting to minimise what you are going through. Some people do enjoy seeing someone experiencing the worst hurt they've ever encountered, and can't resist an extra little dig unfortunately.

I hope you find the strength to end your relationship. I have been through similar and know how badly you want him to do the right thing and have everything go back to how it was before. I would never judge someone who decided to forgive an affair, if the dh was truly repentant and doing everything to fix the marriage.

But to know that he is only with you because she doesn't want him, and that he is lying to you still about his contact with her, and that he would be with her like a shot if he could be. That is unforgivable, and please don't waste any more of your one life on this man.

As pp said it is time to go nuclear. Copy their messages incase you begin to doubt yourself. Gather important financial documents. And see a solicitor - find the money and talk to someone about how you can expect all of this to pan out.

Once all of your ducks are in a row, kick him out or leave (your solicitor will advise). There is more pain and upheaval ahead of you but on the other side is peace and calm for you. Please find your grit and stop allowing him to treat you so so badly.

OP asitsmecathy is speaking a lot of truth though it is painful to acknowledge. Your partner has to want you and be willing to drop ow like a hot biscuit. He does not and he has not. He desires the ow and is only settling with you because he cannot have her. Do not be second best to anyone. You will not heal or ever feel secure knowing you are the second option. It is unfair for your partner to expect you to act as a 'stand in'. How dare he?

He wants to be with another woman, not you. If he loved and wanted you, he wouldn’t have gone near her in the first place but he sure as hell wouldn’t still be contacting her now. He has no respect for you whatsoever and does not want the marriage to work. If she were willing to leave her husband, your partner would be snacking up with her.

Sorry OP, I know that’s harsh but you need to leave the twat.