Is he still using cocaine? What are the signs?

[soandso2019]

I met someone through OLD who told me he used to do cocaine socially. He still does pills and LSD occasionally. I hate drugs but I like him. I also respected him for being upfront about it. He's 37 and said he'll have to stop when he settles down and has kids. We've only been together about three months now but I've started to suspect he might still be using cocaine. Last night was the first time I ever noticed him sniffing but he's always blowing his nose. ALWAYS. But it's not because he has a cold. It's not that kind of nose blowing, as in it's just loud and dry and sore. Could he have damaged his nose before? He also went to the toilet twice for a really long time in a short space of time, which made me wonder.

Lots of scare scaremongering and judgement on here. If he's maintaining a good job and his relationships with his friends and family are solid then it doesn't sound like he's addicted. & I know plenty of people that used to enjoy taking drugs but stopped once they wanted a family.

The actual problem here is simply that you seem to have different values and interests. Are you compatible in other ways? Try this questionnaire: www.supanet.com/the-compatibility-quotient-test-a5094.html

You're ridiculously naive for someone of 35, OP. Can you really not do better?

@thebluewidow I'm so sorry for your loss. And thank you for the advice.

Yes, I realise I sound naive and desperate to boot. I just didn't trust my gut when he told me about it. He doesn't drink a lot and he said he couldn't be bothered and prefers other drugs and alcohol is the most dangerous etc.I'd never thought about it before and he was convincing. I just don't get why someone would only be half honest. Although I was thinking over it last night and I realised that when we met I asked him if he did drugs, because of something he said. He didn't just volunteer the information. I have friends who take pills every now and again when they're out so I didn't think it was a huge deal. He did tell me he'd stayed up all night a few weeks ago. He told me other things that I'm too embarrassed to write here because I sound like a total idiot. I'm going to end it. I just needed someone to tell me I wasn't overreacting or being judgmental etc.

Thank you all.

Well you have trusted your gut because you listened to it and you were vigilant to other behaviours and what he was saying. You have put it all together, sought opinion and have now a conclusion. So well done - you truly have dodged a bullet.

I bet the other stuff you are too embarrassed to talk about is sex - if you have had unprotected sex with him I would get an STI check ASAP.

www.addictioncampuses.com/blog/cocaine-and-sex/

You're not overreacting or being judgemental at all.

Sadly because drug use is so common now we're programmed to accept a lot of it. In reality it's illegal & the whole process is grimy.
Some addicts are functional, it doesn't make their habits any less of a problem in relationships.

He's a drug addict.
I hope you end it soon.
Do NOT ignore your gut again.
I do wonder what you learned about relationships growing up though.
Don't ever SETTLE.

I think you've made the right decision. I do know some people who use cocaine occasionally but I know more who have a problem with it
The signs I saw were a horrible come down, paranoia and nastiness

I don't think people will think you an idiot OP.

When you are outside of a situation it is easier to see than from within.

I lived for 20 years in a relationship that was no good for me, but I didn't think it was at the time because I honestly just believed all the stuff i was told. How i see it, I am so very honest and too trusting, so why would someone tell me a half truth as its not something I would do iyswim. I didn't get why people don't tell the truth. Like in this instance I think, not really being honest about giving up and probably the amount he uses too.

It ok to put stuff out there and get a feel for things if you are not sure. It another view that you sometimes cant come to when you are inside the bubble.

I wish you all the very best, and think you are making the right decision.

Good luck OP x

OP, good luck.

I really thought my ex would change, but there’s no way he will. I see that now. I’m a similar age to you and also felt similar about time running out etc. It was awful to be honest. He’d spend hours in the toilet or bath on a come down. He’d sweat, shake and want to sleep in the lounge as he’d be up all night.

Good luck with ending it x

Yes he is still taking coke.

It's not your thing, so ditch.

Sometimes we think that when people tell us a lot of bad stuff about themselves that it means something it doesn't.

Like:

• he's a really honest person, he doesn't want to hide things (it's easier to hide behind half-truths than lies, and if you make your Mark think you're honest, they'll believe you later on when the deceit really kicks in).
• he must want to change, he has acknowledged all this undesirable stuff

• he must really trust me/think I'm special (false sense of intimacy).

Run, OP. Please.
Otherwise, in a few years, you'll be back with a post roughly titled: He hasn't come home again and his phone is off.

Run now. It's not worth it.

If he drinks alcohol at the same time as doing cocaine, it actually combines to create a far more deadly substance in the liver called cocaethylene.

I've known plenty of cocaine users who drink alcohol throughout the evening, they say that they don't drink a lot because they're not actually getting completely hammered, but they definitely do drink!

The reason they generally don't drink alcohol and just leave it at that for the night is because they start craving drugs and before you know it the couple of drinks has turned into ringing the dealer and having another drugs session!!

@gustofwind Yes, I really don't want to end up like that. I've had a few premonitions or flashes when I'm with him and he's said something weird. Like, he told me he bought drugs in bulk so he didn't have to deal with dealers too much and I was thinking ... but if you're only taking pills occasionally why would you be buying in bulk? ... I did ask him if he bought enough to technically be a dealer and he sidestepped the question. Again, I didn't ask what he was buying. I also thought in a weird way he might be trying to impress me and exaggerating a bit. But I suddenly had this image in my head of a child getting their hands on his stash or of him getting arrested for dealing or dealers hanging around the place.

@isthismyifenow I know what you mean about thinking people are honest because you're honest. I would never lie so I'm always shocked when I find out someone has.

@category12 I never thought about it that way but it does make sense to see it explained like that.

Anyway, we talked and it's over. He didn't tell me whether he still does it or not but he said it would just cause conflict between us in future because it has caused conflict in previous relationships. He said again about having to give up if he wants to have a family but then in the same breath he said something about there being lots of people his age in the community and that he should really look for someone who's okay with it. He was nice about it. I got the impression he wasn't that bothered. I feel a bit crap but also a bit relieved. I didn't realise how stressful it was trying to not think about it.

Thanks for all the advice.

Well done OP. You're bound to feel a bit shit. Be kind to yourself, but I think it's a good decision you have made.

Not even bothered eh, what a catch...

Just wanted to add about the "lifestyle" comment... If he is dealing locally to a few trusted friends, he'll have his sources that will always put pressure on him to work for them - and they're the guys that bring trouble.

Equally if he's an addict/regular user and often uses the same "dealer", when he decides they no longer need their service, they often use tactics to watch, listen and stalk until the person is vulnerable and withdrawing and then offer the drugs cheap. They do this because the sale of the drugs is their aim.

Not an easy thing to be involved in.

Bloody well done to you. Let's hope the next chap is better

Good for you. You will thank your lucky stars that it ended when you look back at this in a short time.

I've known quite a few people who take drugs, and none of them refer to it as a "lifestyle or community", so the language he's using is very telling, it shows how he justifies and condones it, and also shows how big of a part of him it really is. As if he would have been able to give it up if he settled down!

Well done xxx

Well done OP. I hope he finds a like minded individual. And I pray he never has kids.

Good for you OP.

Coke addicts are unbelievably manipulative and very good liars.

Good for you. Onwards and upwards!