Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he still using cocaine? What are the signs?

97 replies

soandso2019 · 30/10/2019 19:17

I met someone through OLD who told me he used to do cocaine socially. He still does pills and LSD occasionally. I hate drugs but I like him. I also respected him for being upfront about it. He's 37 and said he'll have to stop when he settles down and has kids. We've only been together about three months now but I've started to suspect he might still be using cocaine. Last night was the first time I ever noticed him sniffing but he's always blowing his nose. ALWAYS. But it's not because he has a cold. It's not that kind of nose blowing, as in it's just loud and dry and sore. Could he have damaged his nose before? He also went to the toilet twice for a really long time in a short space of time, which made me wonder.

OP posts:
Elmer83 · 30/10/2019 20:09

Is he overly chatty, maybe even arrogant? Likes to talk about himself a lot? In the past when I’ve been around people who’ve taken cocaine they are overly chatty, self obsessed and arrogant.

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/10/2019 20:14

You hate drugs but you're in a relationship with a drug user. That makes no sense. No way is he 'just' a social user. He takes pills, LSD and coke? He's an addict and he won't be cutting down any time soon.

I dated a guy who was a regular coke user. He claimed it was social but it quickly became clear that he was far more 'social' than I realised. Even if he was home alone, he'd still end up off his head on coke. You can't have a relationship with someone like this. I walked away very quickly. I'm still in touch with him but it took him moving to the other side of the world (NZ!) to get off the coke.

Original poster
soandso2019 · 30/10/2019 20:26

When he told me about the drugs I was put off, but he's said a few times now how he'll have to give up when he settles down.That's what he said the first time he told me. I took him at his word because he seemed so honest. But he keeps talking about it being a community and a lifestyle.

There was one occasion when I went to his expecting dinner but we didn't eat because he had no appetite. He'd been out all weekend and told me he took drugs but didn't specify what and I didn't ask. I suppose I was afraid of the answer and was hoping it might just be a once-off. I wasn't sure if I was just being boring but cocaine just seems dangerous to me, more so than other drugs.

I haven't noticed that he's more talkative but he does tend to repeat the same stories.

OP posts:
AskMeHow · 30/10/2019 20:30

If he hasn't given up by now there's no reason why he would when he 'settles down'.

Look at actions, not words.

By 37 you're pretty engrained in habits. His whole social circle is going to revolve around drugs. Have you met his friends?

category12 · 30/10/2019 20:30

Look, he was "honest" because he knows he can't hide his lifestyle for long and he's testing out what you'll accept. You're an absolute mug if you think someone who's been a drug-user as long as he has is going to give it up to "settle down" with you (or anyone else). At most he'll pretend for a while and then backslide.

Swer987 · 30/10/2019 20:31

Me exP had a cocaine habit. I didn’t know about it until about 9 months in, after we had moved in together

He’d do it approx once a week or so, mid week, at work. I’m very anti drugs, but thought he would calm down with it. He didn’t. He has a DD from a previous relationship, which seemed to have no impact on him wanting to stop.

Leave your partner and move on.

rvby · 30/10/2019 20:33

@soandso2019

When he told me about the drugs I was put off yes because it is the opposite of what you want in a partner.

but he's said a few times now how he'll have to give up when he settles down if I say something a few times, does that make it the truth?

That'st he said the first time he told me. if I tell a lie the first time I mention something, does that make it the truth?

I took him at his word because he seemed so honest. does "seeming honest" make someone honest?

But he keeps talking about it being a community and a lifestyle you are being robustly warned OP.

Try this: open your mouth and make some sounds. How easy was that for you?

It's just as easy for him to make sounds with his mouth.

How old are you op? What's your relationship history?

Anotherlongdrive · 30/10/2019 20:35

Never ever believe someone who says they will quit when they settle down and have a family. .
They dont. Then there you are. Raising a baby around a druggie.

Cuddling57 · 30/10/2019 20:53

U will always be wondering. Don't waste your time.

happycamper11 · 30/10/2019 21:24

Why would you be fine with ecstasy and LSD but not with cocaine anyway? All much of a muchness. Cocaine probably ring the least lethal if we're splitting hairs. Btw he won't 'stop when he settles down'

Jiggerypokery1986 · 30/10/2019 21:33

He sees it as a lifestyle. And there lies your problem. It's clearly not something he wants to give up.

If you are anti drug, I don't see why on earth you would still want the man.

You're already not wanting to ask him questions because you don't want to hear the answers.... It doesn't bode well.

You're worth more than this and you know it. Please don't lower your standards.

Nc77 · 30/10/2019 21:34

He hasn’t stopped. You have been dating 3 months. He won’t stop even when he has kids he sounds like a regular user so when he drinks he will get a bag of coke to sniff as it’s his ‘normal’

If drugs is a deal breaker for you, then he isn’t for you as your just going to cause yourself more heartache and pain when he promises you he will stop but then doesn’t stop.

MitziK · 30/10/2019 21:35

Yeah, he's used within the last couple of hours if he's sniffing/blowing his nose to try to hide the sniffing.

Bin and move on.

Span1elsRock · 30/10/2019 21:36

There is nothing remotely attractive about a druggie.

Run run run.

ChristinaMarlowe · 30/10/2019 21:41

Just the fact that he admits he pills makes it unlikely he gave up coke. Equally dangerous as unless they are lab grade shit he is willing to roll the dice and risk consuming fuck knows what for a high. Why one not the other, unless he had a coke addiction so stored in which case he's in the circles to relapse easily. Beware

Elieza · 30/10/2019 21:51

He won’t stop. Dump him. He’s clearly not content in the real world and has to live in some other chemically altered world. An expensive and addictive world. One you won’t be in. I hope not anyway.

I know someone whose been in jail twice for drugs. He was terrified in there. He’s still doing them. He’s addicted and hides it and kids on it’s just now and again and he’s fine. He knows he can’t hack jail again. Yet he’s still in the coke.

Sorry OP. He’s not The One.

Original poster
soandso2019 · 30/10/2019 22:03

I'm reading through all the replies and I have a lot to think about. I'm 35 so I feel like time is running out a bit and I think that's why I ignored my gut when he told me about the drugs. I honestly believed him when he talked about having to give up. He's great otherwise ... great job, owns his flat, car, is generally a really nice person, we get on really well and he's nice to me.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/10/2019 22:05

Of the things to let pass, I would say a drug-habit is not one.

Elieza · 30/10/2019 22:07

Yup, just the same as the guy I know. Seemingly successful genuinely nice guy. Married. Kids. Car. Good job with lots of overtime. Fancy holidays. Coke head. Sigh. Shame. Such a waste.

Jiggerypokery1986 · 30/10/2019 22:12

If he wanted to give up, he'd be trying now. Or at the very least, telling you he's trying.

Being 35 doesn't mean you should overlook addiction. Are you telling us your age because you're thinking of children? I want to reach through my screen and give you a little shake (friendly one). Please don't consider having children with him. Look online about women who have children with druggies. You will have many problems.

It hasn't put you off so far, so he will assume you're fine with it, therefore carrying on with the behaviour. He'll continue hiding it from you.

And then before you know it you'll be in too deep. Miserable I know. Flowers

jelly79 · 30/10/2019 22:14

Next time you suspect, offer him some crisps!

Preparingfor · 30/10/2019 22:23

Can I ask a question? I've got a friend who I suspect, well I know so but from a second hand reliable source, takes coke but only at big social things. Why would you take it when you were just sitting in of an eve with your partner, surely that would be a 'waste' of the high if that makes sense? This friend has only started in his 30's which seems utterly ludicrous to me. OP sorry but I'd be ditching too.

lonklen · 30/10/2019 22:26

In general, if he falls asleep easily and still gets a hangover (sickness and headache not to a comedown) he's probably not doing coke

lonklen · 30/10/2019 22:27

Also I think cocaine is better than pills or LSD. Cocaine, if good quality, isn't too bad. It's what things get mixed with that kill.

Innishh · 30/10/2019 22:33

I am a decade on from you - the coke heads I know in their 40’s have lost their careers, marriages, homes and MH.

Swipe left for the next trending thread