How to approach DH about this?

[avosalad]

Both DH and I work weekdays. He leaves at 8am and returns between 7pm-9pm. He works as a contractor for a firm who does everything from bathroom fittings to rendering so it’s a physically taxing job and I understand he is tired when he gets home. I leave the house just after him and drop DD at nursery so he sees her for 10 mins in the morning whilst eating breakfast. I pick DD up after work and return home around 5:30pm. I feed DD, bathe her, put her to bed and clean the house. When DH tells me he’s heading home I start on dinner for us. Last night was the worst as we needed some ingredients from the shop so he took a few detours. I made a big lasagne so we can reheat it over the next few days. By the time we sat down to eat it was 11pm which is just ridiculous!

To make matters worse, as we were eating DH mentioned that he would be helping his Dad install a new bath at his house, his grandad some new taps and some garden work for family friends at the weekend. All unpaid obviously! He gets a shit wage already for the amount of work he does. For example, he got paid just £200 for last week when he worked 84 hours as he had to work for the full weekend too. I get £360 for 35/40hrs. It’s starting to take the proverbial if I’m honest. My main gripe is that he didn’t think the check if it was okay with me that he would be out all weekend again or even consider the fact he’s not really spent any time with DD in months and it’s upsetting her. I’m also 21 weeks pg and just want to spend time with my husband who I love! He didn’t come to the 20 week scan as there was a job that could only be completed with more than one person and the client was complaining. How do I go about speaking to him about it? I’m a bit hormonal so don’t want to get upset or cause an argument. I just wanted to cry when he said he would be busy at the weekend, we haven’t spent any time together apart from meals in months

All he had to do was have the balls to say ‘I'm sorry Dad actually I can’t help you as I should be spending time with my wife and daughter’! Sorry I’m raging a little

I get you, avosalad. Let it go for this weekend but afterwards tell him you don't want him spending so much of his free time away from you and your daughter. Hopefully he'll realise how unfair it has been.

Why is he working for an employer who pays 2.40 per hour? It's illegal for a start. Is it cash in hand?

Yeah it’s cash in hand, I say firm it’s just a guy running a company with his sons. He messes DH and his Dad about a lot with payments and he’s owed a fair bit from past work. I’ve told him he needs to confront the manager or get a different job but he doesn’t listen! Going to try and make the weekend lovely for DD, maybe go to a petting zoo or such like. All my friends have children and are usually busy of an evening and weekends so I feel really alone

He needs to change job! Why does his work run so late in the evening? Work like that normally wraps up around 5pm- 6 at the latest unless self employed which he isn’t.

Why can’t he do the jobs for just part of the weekend eg Saturday morning and spend the rest of the time with you?

I don’t think you can rage over his commitment to his job or his offer to help his dad. If you want him to be home I would have an adult discussion about the need to help his friends. That can easily go and unless he is very unreasonable I am sure he will agree that he should rest and spend time with his kid.

If this goes well at the same time you both could reevaluate your life. His job doesn’t seem to offer work life balance and does not pay well. Maybe time for him to look at other options. Also think about how you manage the time you do have. I don’t see any logic in cooking a lasagne of an evening when your time is so tight. It takes too much prep time and cooking time especially if you don’t have the ingredients. Pasta and tomato sauce is quick and easy and available from most corner shops.

He needs to look for a proper job with payslips and tax and ni and benefits etc. With proper working regulations.

He is stupid, he needs to get a proper job.

It is totally unfair on you and your daughter

How can you live on the money he brings in

Are you sure that he is working those hours when he is bringing in so little income? That is a pittance and way below NMW. Do you know for a fact that he is at work and not elsewhere?

Why would he work, even if cash in hand, for a level that is so little?
I don't believe him.
What happens if he's ill? Can he claim benefits if he isn't paying NI?
Can you not report his employer? That will put a stop to it.

And there’s no way I would be waiting til 11pm to eat dinner. Id have faded away to nothing by that stage. Especially if pregnant!! (How are you not eating your arm by that time of night??) Id cook proper dinner when you get in at half 5 and you and DD have that and DH can heat some up for himself when he gets in. But then I don’t understand this whole “two different meals” for children and parents.

Agree with pp

You need to have dinner at a reasonable time and then he can reheat his when he gets home.

Also, you need to have a serious chat about a)work/life balance and b)the stability of his cash in hand job.

Does he pay NI etc, would he get sick pay if he had an accident or long term illness? What about a pension- surely he's not planning on living off yours?

He's not contributing a fair amount to his family. Its ludicrous.
Hes needs to either buck up and get the money hes owed, or find a more stable and reliable job.

His children won't even know who he is.

That's ridiculous OP.
My DH has been in the building trade for 45 years, our ds is also plus we have other family members who are plumbers and decorators, so take it from me, that's not right.

Has he got any qualifications in the trade, or H&S certificates?
Has he got his CIS card sorted out? If he is being paid cash what is he doing about NI-

He will get caught out- HMRC take a dim view of this sort of thing. He needs to sort out the above and get a proper job- his so-called employer is taking the piss.

He needs a new job! That's ridiculous. Can he go out on his own?

I'd let this weekend go as it's family but he definitely needs to spend more time with both of you. You need help and support as well as an actual husband and father for your dd! Don't hesitate in talking to him.

Tell him to spread it over a couple of weekends, so he has one weekend day doing something he's chosen to do (yes, even work counts if he's choosing to help his family), and one day with you and DD,

e.g. farm with you and DD on Sat, his Dad on Sunday. Then next week he can do grandad's taps on one day and spend the other with you/DD, and his friend's garden the weekend after.

But I agree - there's a bigger problem here. His job is impacting badly on you because it means he can't do his share of the housework and childcare. And he's not even the high earner! He should be facilitating your job, not the other way around!

Tell him you are not happy and will not put up with it. Mean it.

He comes and goes in his work clothes covered in paint and whatnot. His Dad also picks him up and drops him off as I need the car so he’s definitely working for the time he says he is. They’re both being grossly underpaid, and his Dad is 60 it’s not fair to work all those hours for next to nothing at his age. He’s not got one of those cards or any qualifications in the field but I’ve said I will pay for one for his birthday so he can start his own business. I’ve just text him asking if he realises he only gets paid £2-£5 an hour and had a little rant about it, not at him just about the pay situation. I’ve recommended that he report his manager to HMRC and get any money owed back-paid. If he was being paid minimum wage then he would be earning £450. I’m just astounded that he worked 77 hours last week and only brought home £200, makes me feel a bit sick if I’m honest! I won’t mention this weekend but if it carries on then I’ll have to voice my feelings as I’m scared we may grow apart or I’ll become resentful, even worse if DD begins to dislike him for it! We are okay on the money front since we both work so maybe he doesn’t see it as an issue and does the work because it’s with his Dad and he feels comfortable

So he's not paying tax on his earnings and presumably the employer isn't either?

Presumably his situation means you can't claim any benefits to top up the low income either. It sounds like his work decision is dragging you down financially too.

And I wouldn't be springing into action to cook dinner when he says he's coming home at random times - fuck that! He should fix his own dinner or reheat something, but I would be eating with DC in your situation. Otherwise DC is missing out on family mealtimes unnecessarily when they could eat with you, just so you can be at DH's beck and call.

Pressed post by accident! He’s also extremely exhausted when he comes home and does tell me what he’s been doing at work very genuinely so I don’t think he’s cheating or doing anything untoward

If you get caught out by HMRC, there's not a cat in hells chance they'll believe he only earns a couple of quid an hour.
As it's cash in hand you won't be able to prove with bank statements that's all he's had from his employer. He'll end up with a huge bill plus the same amount in penalties.
To be honest, he's being stupid and he needs to protect his family more.

You really need to apply some pressure on him to report his 'employer' and ensure he spends more time with his family as he's neglecting you all which is completely unfair.

He gets payslips and I’m pretty sure the tax/NI has already been deducted before he’s paid. He’s responded to my messages and says that he gets paid by the day and not the hour. He said his day rate should be £80 but at the minute it’s only £40. I’m starting to think he didn’t get paid for the extra hours at the weekend if he gets £40 a day, I bet his manager didn’t put it on the books! He said he’s not sure how much longer he’s going to stay on so that’s a good sign. Let’s just hope we can start spending time together soon. I had bad cravings for lasagne and my oven has been broken for a year (integrated one and LL put off replacement) so I was so excited to make one I could have made it for DDs dinner and he’d have reheated it but I needed some ingredients for it. Didn’t want to take DD out again before her bed time as it keeps it alert and awake which is a nightmare so I had to wait for him

Why don't u suggest he advertises locally and becomes self employed he could earn triplel?

Are you sure he’s not lying to you about how much he’s making? He could be hiding cash.

That's weird as all work I've had done, they finish up around 5/5.30. Why such long hours? Why is your H prepared to be treated like a slave? He needs to man up and actually do something about it. I'd be fuming that he thinks this is acceptable.