Inappropriate Messages

[CoastalWaters]

I have been with my husband for ten years. We suspect he has ADHD (not officially diagnosed) but displays many of the traits. Very impulsive, easily distracted, difficult to hold a conversation with him as he either cuts you off, talks over you or zones out, extremely forgetful etc. Needless to say our marriage has been a struggle but I’ve tried so hard to be accepting and have forgiven a lot and try very hard to make things work.

Anyway a few days ago I found really inappropriate text messages that he had sent to his ex girlfriend who he was with before me. I didn’t go searching through his phone, I was borrowing it to pay with Apple pay when a message from her flashed up and obviously I was intrigued so I read it.

I am so hurt, the things he was saying, basically mooning over her and their relationship, saying how happy he was back then and how proud he was of her (amongst other cringeworthy things)

I confronted him and he said he was embarrassed and ashamed, didn’t know why he did it and that it was a stupid thing to do. He said that he had no intention of cheating and never has despite having had the opportunity in the past! He has a high sex drive and basically doesn’t get it as often as he would like which also causes tension in our relationship.

I don’t know what to do because he’s basically blaming his actions on his impulsivity rather than there being any motive to actually cheat.

I just feel so hurt.

Do you have DC together?
I couldn't deal with this OP.
And it sounds like you can't either.
So what next for you?
You've accepted a lot of shit from him already.
Do you want this to be the rest of your life??

"We" have decided he may have ADHD or he has suggested that as an excuse for him being an asshole? If he thinks he has a condition like that, why wouldn't he get himself checked out?

I think we have come to the conclusion about ADHD as there doesn't seem to be any other plausible explanation other than him being an arsehole which he emphatically denies.

Every time he does or says something stupid/hurtful he will maintain that he never intended to. It's his get out of jail free card.

Yes we do have DC
I don't want this to be the rest of my life, I've wanted to leave before but just haven't been brave enough or perhaps naively thought that we could work through things

If he is going to use ADHD as an explanation for his behavior he should be seeking a diagnosis and following it up with the best strategies for managing the diagnosis.
What are the positives for you of this relationship?
Are they enough to make relationship worthwhile?
I am sure it is possible to have ADHD and not behave like this.

Before I left I would place the effort on him to get a diagnosis and seek support.
So that it is him making the effort, not you.
If he isn't willing to do this then your relationship won't change.

He won't seek a diagnosis as thinks it may impact his job.

I'm not sure what the positives of our relationship are.

It just feels like the texts were the final fucking straw. I think he's having some kind of midlife crisis and trying to cling onto his youth, a time when he was carefree.

He had also arranged to meet up with her at a reunion next month but again tells me that nothing would have happened (of course he's going to say that) and that he was only trying to be friendly. Honestly the texts just made me feel sick. They weren't explicit but there was a lot of ego stroking going on

It cannot be assumed he has ADHD at all particularly as he has not been diagnosed.

He is using this as his get out of jail free card How is he with friends, family (is he the life and soul perhaps?)and work?. Presumably he does not act like this amongst work colleagues either.

Be brave now and seek a better life for your and your children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning from you two here?

He won't change but you can and should change how you react to him.

I would think he behaves very differently with his work colleagues and people in the outside world and he is coming across really as a man who wants his cake and eat it too.

What is actively preventing you from leaving him?. The children?. If your fears can be expressed then this could help you as well.

So because he thinks he had undiagnosed ADHD he can send horny text messages freely to his exes? And that's OK? But if he gets a diagnosis he'll lose his job? So he's basically using it as an excuse for still being in employment, and being a shit bag?

What?

If he won't seek support he isn't serious about changing his behavior.
So do you want this relationship for the rest of your life?
Is this what you want your dc to think relationships are like?
Could you manage financially if he or you left?

Every time he does or says something stupid/hurtful he will maintain that he never intended to. It's his get out of jail free card.

Well that's very convenient for him, isn't it?

Regarding what he's like with friends and family, it very much depends on the situation and who we are around.

He has a long and chequered history of exaggerating things, embarrassing me, being hyper and monopolising the conversation in company.

I could leave, financially I would be ok (I think) I'm just scared

He sounds undeserving of you.

You deserve so much more.

He's using an undiagnosed diagnosis of ADHD to excuse his shit behaviour.

Get rid.

What are you so scared of?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want this for them, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Does adhd make you a cheater?
My dh is also we assume on some sort of spectrum.
Would still throw him out for what you describe..
Suggest you go to the reunion and watch his reaction...
My ex had diagnosed depression. He used it as a be a twat and get away with it card..
Exh...

ADHD or not, he has no excuse! By the sounds of it, it wasn't just the one message but a string of messages. He knew fine well what he was doing!

I have ADHD/ ADHD traits. People still have a choice over what they do mostly. And what matters is how you feel about what he did, regardless of whether he has ADHD or not. I do suggest though that you get it properly diagnosed and try the treatments offered. It's worth going private for this if you have to- a lot of private consultants are perhaps more into diagnosing adult ADHD.

'He said that he had no intention of cheating '

But we see this every day on these boards. Confronted with chatting up women online (or in this case by text, they all say they just happen to be sending appropriate messages but they had no intention of acting on it. How likely is that?

So sorry you've discovered this. Hugs xxxx

'there doesn't seem to be any other plausible explanation other than him being an arsehole which he emphatically denies.'

Lol!

I don't think having a diagnosis of ADHD would effect his job. In most jobs the employer doesn't need to know, and anyway if he's put on medication and takes that, and/or given counselling, the ADHD would have less of an impact. If he really has it and gets it treated, that's highly likely to actually improve his performance at work.

If he does something twattish and blames supposed ADHD again, tell him that in that case he needs to get it treated, if it mkes him act like a twat and in a way that's effecting you and your marriage.

If he doesn't seek treatment, ditch him as he's not making that effort towards the relationship and your life together.

My dd has just been diagnosed with adhd ( she's 7 ) I was told by the specialist, that whilst it does explain her behaviour, it doesn't excuse it, and she still needs clear boundaries, and she's not to use it as a get out of jail free card (her exact words)

So if a 7yr old is being told that their adhd doesn't mean they can behave like a twat, then a grown man needs to understand he can't use it to excuse his twattish behaviour.

People dont change unless they are forced to. Don't keep putting up with it. Consequences and follow through. If you want to leave do so

I honestly believe in the context of the messages and the gushing that was going on that had they met up at this reunion, with plenty of drink and emotions running high then yes, there is every chance that something may have happened. His impulsiveness is also worsened when he's drunk and he freely admits this.

I'm not sure what I'm scared of exactly, it just seems like such a big decision. We've been together a long time. There are aspects of him that I would miss (believe it or not!)

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

There are lots of excuses being put forward for what boils down to deliberate abuse.

Letting go is still hard when someone is hurting you. It's normal to miss someone's nicer side or the better times from the early days of the relationship. It's even more normal to grieve for the life you thought you would have with that person, and the dreams you had for the future with them. But that isn't a good reason to stay in a situation that's harmful and damaging, and where those dreams will never happen anyway.

The good times won't be stripped from your memory because the relationship ends. By extension, you don't need to stay in the relationship just to access them.

He won't change, but you can change what you do and how your life looks.

I would be more scared to "stay" with a bloke this, tbh

You will never have true peace of mind if you cling on to this idiot

I agree, he is an idiot. He agrees that too so at least we're on the same page there.

He's very quiet and contrite right now. He cried this morning and said he would take whatever steps necessary to look into the possibility of ADHD and if he is diagnosed, whether it can be managed.

Still doesn't make up for all the mooning over his ex though. Fucking idiot.