Inappropriate Messages

[CoastalWaters]

I have been with my husband for ten years. We suspect he has ADHD (not officially diagnosed) but displays many of the traits. Very impulsive, easily distracted, difficult to hold a conversation with him as he either cuts you off, talks over you or zones out, extremely forgetful etc. Needless to say our marriage has been a struggle but I’ve tried so hard to be accepting and have forgiven a lot and try very hard to make things work.

Anyway a few days ago I found really inappropriate text messages that he had sent to his ex girlfriend who he was with before me. I didn’t go searching through his phone, I was borrowing it to pay with Apple pay when a message from her flashed up and obviously I was intrigued so I read it.

I am so hurt, the things he was saying, basically mooning over her and their relationship, saying how happy he was back then and how proud he was of her (amongst other cringeworthy things)

I confronted him and he said he was embarrassed and ashamed, didn’t know why he did it and that it was a stupid thing to do. He said that he had no intention of cheating and never has despite having had the opportunity in the past! He has a high sex drive and basically doesn’t get it as often as he would like which also causes tension in our relationship.

I don’t know what to do because he’s basically blaming his actions on his impulsivity rather than there being any motive to actually cheat.

I just feel so hurt.

He's in the military and claims to have uncontrollable impulsivity.

You know that's nonsense, don't you CW? He wouldn't have even got through basic training if that was true.

The thought of leaving and everything it entails is overwhelming. But staying with someone who thinks you're is far far worse for your mental health.

Sorry missed out "thinks you're a walkover".

You're not the one at fault here.

Once you make the decision that you deserve more than this then all the decisions that now seem scary will actually empower you.

He's never going to change.

You can.

Be brave. This is not a rehearsal- why put up with this shit when this is the only life you get?

Sorry I haven’t read all of the posts, but I wanted to agree that ADHD does not excuse those text messages. Talking over you, not listening can be excused by ADHD but text messages - no.
I hope you work out what to do x

He has no filter for you because he doesn't respect you.

I'm afraid it's time to leave. If you're not ready for your own place, is there someone you can stay with and put your stuff in storage?

This man needs a short sharp shock.

The only reason he hasn't progressed to full blown affair, is that the reunion hadnt happened yet.

He's contrite because he doesn't like feeling like the bad person and he doesn't want to be alone.

I totally agree, he hates being the bad guy.

Honestly I've been on the brink of leaving so many fucking times. I'm in such a bad place right now but I know I have to push through it this time.

This relationship has really fucked my head up. He can be so kind, thoughtful and he's a caring and involved Dad.

WHY does he have to have this other side? He's adamant that he has a major issue with impulse control, doesn't know where the boundaries are and what is inappropriate. WHY is he like this? 😢

I'm not convinced the military is the best environment to encourage a belief in equality within relationships and faithfulness having seen it reasonably up close.

Yes I agree. Everyone I know in the military has extra marital affairs.
Sorry OP. You deserve better

Good morning op, I hope you have had a chance to think.

I’ve just read the entire thread and am shocked that a grown man would use adhd as an excuse for trying to begin an affair. Which is exactly what he was doing despite what he was saying.

Embarrassing you in front of others; messaging another woman; putting you down. Why have you stayed with him this long? These are not traits of a decent person.

You’ve an opportunity here the way I see it...to make him someone else’s problem and set yourself free to find a really nice man, who treats you as you deserve to be treated, or even just an opportunity for you to live a peaceful existence and do what you want to do.

I’d tell him that messaging this other woman has been a wake up call for you and you’d like him him to go on his merry way. Good luck op, I hope this works out for you.

I agree with those who siaid if he's been in the military, he maybe is less likely to have ADHD.

'WHY does he have to have this other side? He's adamant that he has a major issue with impulse control, doesn't know where the boundaries are and what is inappropriate. WHY is he like this? 😢'

Because he's a twat! Of course he's going to invent some false excuse for his behaviour- all twats invent one reason or another. If he's not like it with his mates as much, you know he's capable of not being. He's a twat choosing to treat you like shit.