Inappropriate Messages

[CoastalWaters]

I have been with my husband for ten years. We suspect he has ADHD (not officially diagnosed) but displays many of the traits. Very impulsive, easily distracted, difficult to hold a conversation with him as he either cuts you off, talks over you or zones out, extremely forgetful etc. Needless to say our marriage has been a struggle but I’ve tried so hard to be accepting and have forgiven a lot and try very hard to make things work.

Anyway a few days ago I found really inappropriate text messages that he had sent to his ex girlfriend who he was with before me. I didn’t go searching through his phone, I was borrowing it to pay with Apple pay when a message from her flashed up and obviously I was intrigued so I read it.

I am so hurt, the things he was saying, basically mooning over her and their relationship, saying how happy he was back then and how proud he was of her (amongst other cringeworthy things)

I confronted him and he said he was embarrassed and ashamed, didn’t know why he did it and that it was a stupid thing to do. He said that he had no intention of cheating and never has despite having had the opportunity in the past! He has a high sex drive and basically doesn’t get it as often as he would like which also causes tension in our relationship.

I don’t know what to do because he’s basically blaming his actions on his impulsivity rather than there being any motive to actually cheat.

I just feel so hurt.

I don't think the medical issue has anything to do with the problem. Now you know he sneaks behind your back.

He was even messaging her whilst we were on holiday FFS! Plus late at night whilst he was lying in bed next to me (having checked the times)

I would stop the reunion, he has to understand after what he's done he cannot go because it makes you incredibly uncomfortable.

If he says no then you know he's only thinking about himself and hasn't taken your feelings into account.

Good he wants to get help, although I don't think you can soley blame adhd for over stepping a line he bloody well knows he shouldn't of and going behind someone's back. That's more on him, I feel you or you're both using it as a bit of an excuse for it (certainly in your first post). Don't let this happen.

Sorry to be blunt but this nonsense about ADHD is a smokescreen for him acting and being a total cock and you're allowing yourself to be manipulated.
Get up off your arse and leave. You're financially stable, you may miss him but a an ex smoker will miss a cigarette doesn't mean it's healthy.
Think of your family, I don't understand why you'd allow yourself to be treated in this way.

No honestly, bluntness is fine! I clearly need to hear it as I've wasted over a decade of my life on this idiot.

I agree he uses things as a smokescreen, particularly his alleged naivety. I think he believes his own bullshit. Yes he's incredibly upset today, but only because he's been caught out.

This virtual dick stroking would have no doubt carried on had I not seen the messages

That flirtation would be a deal breaker to me.

ADHD does not cause infidelity.

Your husband has emotionally cheated on you. He has been pursuing this woman even on holiday and at night while with you in bed. If you had not found the betrayal, he would still be at it. This was a chosen deception. He is taking you for a fool by expecting you to believe otherwise.

This would be the end for me. Why would you sentence yourself (and your children) to a life filled with anxiety and uncertainty?

@CoastalWaters

'He was even messaging her whilst we were on holiday FFS! Plus late at night whilst he was lying in bed next to me (having checked the times)'

This is awful. You shouldn't stand for this.

Quince jam, that is so very true, with the distance of tiMe I now think fondly of my Ex H and the memories, even though I don't see him and he's been married 24 years to someone else.

I don't think your husband has ADHD at all OP, sounds like a garden variety feckless twat to me.

And I say this with DC and multiple extended family members on the spectrum.

Dh has adhd (diagnosed) and sending inappropriate messages didn't come up as a trait in any of the many assessments he/we went through! Don't let him use that as an excuse.
And get a diagnosis! If he has it, it won't affect his job situation at all.

What has ADHD got to do with this?

Thanks for all the replies. I'm still feeling very low right now.

He did a long and grovelling speech the night before last, accompanied by a long and grovelling email, talking about the things that are important to him in our relationship and the things that he wants to happen more frequently in our relationship which include - excitement, passion, understanding and acceptance (which basically amounted to a critical list of my failings in all of the above)

He then goes on to talk about my good points (lucky me)

And then says that the biggest element of this is for him to slow his brain down stopping the direct link between thought and word and that he knows he CAN control it, because he has in the past. He also muses that he finds it 'interesting' that it manifests less when it's just the two of us and occurs far more frequently when we're around other people. Yes, that's very interesting indeed, or perhaps he's just an arsehole who likes to put me down?

I would say that 90% of the time he chooses not to control his impulses. I could give so many examples of hurtful things he has said to me over the years. He even came out with an absolute corker whilst we were on holiday (with friends) and was also simultaneously messaging his ex GF.

I have said several times, you're only sorry and devastated because I read the fucking messages! If I hadn't, then you would have continued your flirty trip down memory lane and then physically met up with her next month and I'm supposed to believe that nothing may have happened?

He even wrote (and I quote) that alcohol has the effect of disabling the inhibitors which makes everything worse!

Sorry for the long message

Oh and one more thing. When they were messaging, I think there was a period of a day or two when she didn't reply and he messaged her to say "I don't think I'm coming across well here"

He is now saying that he knew it was inappropriate and he felt bad so was trying to backtrack.

I think he said it to encourage her to reply again and keep the conversation going.

Obviously he categorically denies this.

So he's basically told you you're shit, but you have your perks, and nothing about the fact he's a cheating piece of shit?

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Him, him, him. Blah blah blah.

Christ you must want out of The DH Show by now OP?

And he puts you down in front of other people?

It all sounds toxic and a waste of your time and your life OP. You deserve happiness and respect. His grovelling is more drama. One extreme to the other. You don’t have to accept it - you don’t have to live your life marching to his drum.

Pretty much, yes. Although he will not accept that any element of what he did was in the realms of 'cheating'

He also said that regarding acceptance in our relationship, that neither of us are perfect and there is no malice in either of us when we make mistakes.

That's very convenient isn't it? Seriously, he is the master at playing on words and using it as his get out of jail free card.

"I didn't intend to, I never do anything on purpose, I don't realise how I'm coming across" etc

I do want to leave. It just seems like a fucking hard road ahead.

I have a very stressful job, some professional exams coming up, I also have some health problems at the moment, Christmas is around the corner.

I would also want to leave our house and start fresh. I would t want to stay here, way too many painful memories.

The thought of the stress that lies ahead, either way, is making me feel sick.

It's better to be stressed without the prick grinding you down than it is to be with him and still have the stress

OP, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 21 and it totally changed my life. If he thinks he's got it, he really needs to do something about it.

As much as it made me act like a complete arse, and still does sometimes, I have never cheated or been tempted to. Your core morals instinctively guide everything you do, whether you're being impulsive or not.

The problem is that he completely denies that he wanted to cheat or had any intention of doing so. He was just being friendly apparently!

I wish I'd been strong enough to not say anything and let it play out. He would 100% still be messaging her if I'd kept quiet.

How does his "ADHD" affect his work? Because if he has it, it will already be having an impact. A diagnosis will not get him dismissed, if will mean reasonable adjustments can be made to help him continue in work. Inappropriate behaviour without a diagnosis will get him dismissed. Is he having issues at work, has he had disciplinary action against him?

Is he in the Army? Thats the only place i can think of where a formal diagnosus of ADHD might affect his work. However, i think its much more likely that he wont go to the doctor because a doctor would see right through him.

Hes a total loser, OP. Only you know how much you are prepared to put up with, but it really doesnt sound as if you are getting much out of tgis relationship.

Yes he's in the military.

I think his behaviour has probably largely gone unnoticed there because there is a culture of constant one upmanship, taking the piss out of one another, no filter needed etc.

However, having spent time around his colleagues in social situations, they do rein it in, especially around their wives. Whereas my husband will still blurt stuff out and embarrass me etc.

It also spills over into our personal life so I'm not convinced it's a work related disorder