I think ex partner is cutting contact with our child

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He kept up an act of wanting to be a better person/father for a couple of months, but has been gradually getting shitter. We had an arrangement of which days he has DC. He claimed his work hours changed meaning he cut down one of the days - he said he could not make up the time on another day due to his schedule.

Yesterday he informed me that he would cut off another day of his contact with DC because.. he’s starting a new hobby. I wasn’t happy obviously and asked why he couldn’t simply do the hobby on another day, or while DC is in school - his response was to make out I was being really unreasonable and argumentative, and basically turn into a brick wall and totally refuse to discuss it. This puts a massive strain on me, as I currently work on the day he is cutting from his contact.

I tried organising some childcare for the day he’s missing - and he took great offence to this, insisting that I was trying to make all of my family/friends hate him and think he was a terrible person so he didn’t want anyone to know that he was dropping an entire days contact because he has a new hobby which lasts for one hour on that day.

He sent me loads of messages later that day basically telling me I’d caused this and I clearly wanted him to go away.. that I’d purposefully tried to make everyone hate him.. all totally untrue. He was meant to pick DC up from school today but he didn’t and hasn’t communicated with me at all, he didn’t even let me know he wouldn’t be doing the pick up.

Sorry it’s a bit long winded, I suppose I just want some reassurance that this isn’t my fault and I haven’t done anything wrong.. I’m really worried about how this will affect DC; whenever he misses one of the days he’s meant to pick them up from school etc it causes them a lot of distress. I don’t know how to explain to them why he isn’t seeing them at the moment.. and as I don’t know if it’s permanent or him punishing me for challenging his hobby cutting into his time with dc

Just for context of what he is like as a person.. this is a previous thread about some of the issues we had in August
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3669512-Cheating-huge-number-of-women-Please-advise
(sorry if it’s not clicky)

What does he expect you to do for childcare on the day he's dropping her Lock her in a cupboard? Of course you are going to look for care. He's a knob, he knows it and he is trying to stop everyone else from knowing it.

@Troels I think he assumed I’d drop everything to look after DC during the time he’s dropping.. which isn’t really possible

So he's trying to manipulate you into having less time for yourself (assuming you like to work)? He's just a common jealous, controlling bore. Find childcare, keep working. How on earth would him picking up a hobby and not caring about how dropping contact be your fault?

*about dropping contact

He's trying to manipulate you.

He sounds like a selfish little shit to be honest. Everything is about his wants and needs - these even trump time spent with his child!

Would it be the worst thing in the world for him to disappear off into the distance and leave you both alone?

You have done NOTHING wrong here. At all.

Honestly you’re probably right he is going to cut contact. Partly to be controlling and partly because he’s a shit dad.
And sadly there not much you can do but manage the fallout. His texts to you are gaslighting. He is in the wrong but will never admit it. In his mind you and DC exist just to serve him and everything is your fault

Focus on the people who do support you. Not sure how old DC is but they might be able to get some additional support through the school too. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I would file with the court to formalise contact. Is he paying child maintenance for the actual little time he provides care? Lemme guess. 🤔

Does this mean you get to increase him cm

Why are you giving the shiniest of shits about what his reaction to your NEED to arrange childcare due to his failure to be there for his dc?

Let him see the dc whenever suits, but if he chooses to lie and dip out of his parenting, that’s on him

If he kicks off because you have to sort child care you tell him “I’m working, you know this, you’re spending one hour Choosing to do a hobby but you’re letting dc down for the whole day. Therefore I will make alternative plans so I can work. What others think of you for your own shitty decisions is your problem, not mine.”

What a horrible man. It sounds like you find it very stressful speaking to him.

Could you agree to have a dedicated email account for discussing child contact and keep it simple?

He should find child care for his hobbytime

He refuses contact via email and will only contact through text or WhatsApp. He doesn’t pay maintenance, I’ve been trying to sort this out via cms for several years now, it’s already been to court yet he still pays nothing. I’m too exhausted to keep it all up.

“I would file with the court to formalise contact.” Unless there had been a major legal change since my divorce and assuming op in England/wales this is not possible.

When I was divorcing and dealing with a similar situation I was told I could neither stop him seeing the child nor force him TO see the child. It’s entirely down to the nrp unless there’s serious abuse of the child to consider.

I opted to take my chances with “acting illegally” and sent a letter via lawyer to ex stating I was stopping contact, but I did so being fairly certain that’d piss him off and he’d take me to court to get a contact order which is what I wanted.

Unfortunately I was mistaken in thinking that his having the expense and time of taking me to court would make him be a better father - it merely delayed the inevitable.

In hindsight it would have been better for dd if I’d not let it get to me or her, and had simply let him fade out of dds life at that point when she was young enough to forget him.

Instead the point at which he did eventually almost completely vanish out of her life was at the crucial pre-teen stage, worst possible timing!

How old are dc?

Quite honestly I would advise just letting him carry on withdrawing, don’t put yourself or dc out for him, don’t limit what you need to tell others in order to arrange sufficient care for dc.

If he doesn’t want people saying he’s a shit dad best he don’t fucking act like one then!!

His public image is NOT your problem.

And he doesn’t even pay cm? Why?! What a piece of shit! Do the people he’s worried about knowing he’s not seeing dc know he’s not paying maintenance?

I kept things “private” for a long time but I hit a point where I’d had enough and stopped hiding what was going on, I lost a couple of “friends” for doing so - he lost a hell of a lot more support than I did!

Fuck him! Let people know he’s a deadbeat waste of air!

Absolutely keep up with CMS and ignore his texts/block his number and give him the email address.

I’m so sorry he does this to you.

stop hoping that he'll be a good parent, he wont, I'd just factor him out completely and make sure people know he's a deadbeat
it's very hurtful for the children to be used as pawns like this

dont engage with his whiny messages, just be factual and businesslike with him

He’s contacted me and told me the reason he didn’t keep to DC contact today was because it looked like I wanted support from everyone else except him, and it looked like I wanted to manage fine without him. How do I even respond to that warped logic

"If you choose to let your child down, that is down to you and nobody else. In future please let me know in advance so that our child is not left waiting at school alone"

What mankyfourth said is perfect

HIS choices as a father are on HIM!

From now on ALL COMMUNICATION agreed by email.

If he fails to collect, report him to SS.

Don’t let him be a dick to you.

he's punishing his own children because of an imagined slight against him from you.
He's behaving like a child, how embarrassing for you and your children, honestly I would distance myself, I dont think it's fair to inflict such a childlike parent on your children.
I'm so sorry you and your children have to deal with this nonsense :(

You haven't done anything wrong.

And of course you mustn't drop work because he's decided to do a hobby on his contact day, and you do have to find childcare.

Basically he's expecting you to ruin your work prospects and run round clearing up his messes because he's a fuckwit.

Don't cover up for him. Ever.

You need to zone out his rantings and take no notice of him. He's full of shite.

Don't respond to his warped logic.
Don't enter into text (or any other kind of communication) battles at all.
You need to grey rock him. Facts only, practicalities only. Ignore everything else.

"X will be ready to be collected at x time". And nothing more.

Have a back-up plan for if he is late or misses contact every time. Don't let him change your plans or working pattern. Don't engage with him.

He can do one. Little manipulative flake that doesnt do what he should but will well tell u what u should do. Dont count on him and make ur own arrangements. He has no right to say anything about it. Twat

You don't respond at all to a message like that.

You make sure school and child know that it was him who "forgot" to collect child.

I'd help the child to recognise that dad does not actually care. I know that's a heartbreaking message but it is much better to be helped through it by a loving parent than for everyone to lie, cover up and say he loves you really while your actual life experience is telling you the opposite. Basically that's training your child to stuff down emotions, ignore bad behaviour, fake things being OK and generally training them to be in abusive relationships as adults.

If your dad gives no fucks about you, it's better to realise quickly and get on with life without any expectations of him.

Make him put in all the effort for contact and see where it lands, which you already know is him fucking off into the sunset.