I think ex partner is cutting contact with our child

[Pinklace2]

He kept up an act of wanting to be a better person/father for a couple of months, but has been gradually getting shitter. We had an arrangement of which days he has DC. He claimed his work hours changed meaning he cut down one of the days - he said he could not make up the time on another day due to his schedule.

Yesterday he informed me that he would cut off another day of his contact with DC because.. he’s starting a new hobby. I wasn’t happy obviously and asked why he couldn’t simply do the hobby on another day, or while DC is in school - his response was to make out I was being really unreasonable and argumentative, and basically turn into a brick wall and totally refuse to discuss it. This puts a massive strain on me, as I currently work on the day he is cutting from his contact.

I tried organising some childcare for the day he’s missing - and he took great offence to this, insisting that I was trying to make all of my family/friends hate him and think he was a terrible person so he didn’t want anyone to know that he was dropping an entire days contact because he has a new hobby which lasts for one hour on that day.

He sent me loads of messages later that day basically telling me I’d caused this and I clearly wanted him to go away.. that I’d purposefully tried to make everyone hate him.. all totally untrue. He was meant to pick DC up from school today but he didn’t and hasn’t communicated with me at all, he didn’t even let me know he wouldn’t be doing the pick up.

Sorry it’s a bit long winded, I suppose I just want some reassurance that this isn’t my fault and I haven’t done anything wrong.. I’m really worried about how this will affect DC; whenever he misses one of the days he’s meant to pick them up from school etc it causes them a lot of distress. I don’t know how to explain to them why he isn’t seeing them at the moment.. and as I don’t know if it’s permanent or him punishing me for challenging his hobby cutting into his time with dc

Just for context of what he is like as a person.. this is a previous thread about some of the issues we had in August
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3669512-Cheating-huge-number-of-women-Please-advise
(sorry if it’s not clicky)

He actually messaged you saying he'll go if he can but he's not sure because he's really tired???
Wtf
He is laughing in all your faces, stop letting him insult you like this, he's treating you as if you are all worthless.
You need to start treating him as if he doesn't exist at all🤬

He sounds like a fucking idiot. He's manipulating and controlling you and trying to make you feel guilty for finding alternative child care. He is abusing you. Honestly I would go to a lawyer, demand a set schedule for him seeing your child and getting maintenance. Find child care for you child so you can work and do not even entertain his messages about this. Talking from experience though if he isn't going to step up and be a stable member of your child's life you're better just cutting all contact. It will be more confusing and damaging for you child to sometimes have a dad than it will for her to adapt to not having one around at all. I'm sorry you're going through all of this and what you went through previously, it all sounds awful❤️

if I organise someone else to do the pick ups on his days, he’ll spin it that I’ve taken that contact time away from him

So let him.

Fuck him.

Stop bending over backwards to accommodate his whining, his excuses and his warped logic.

Stop hiding what a pathetic loser he is from everyone.

Message him as suggested: "You have chosen to reduce contact, not me. When you send me a realistic schedule that you can stick to, I will arrange contact. Until then, you do not have any further contact with our poor confused child."

Then just stop contact and focus on what's best for YOU and your DC.

Thanks for the responses.

In hindsight he has always used contact with DC to try and control me and get an emotional reaction when I have any boundaries to his behaviour. He messaged (just now) telling me he can’t come. I’ve taken advice on this thread and been really factual and unemotional - I told him ok and when he is ready to propose a schedule which he can commit to with DC contact, to send me a message so I can arrange alternative childcare around those timings.

He’s sent a lengthy message in response, basically saying how confused he is that I’d get alternative childcare rather than just do the pick ups myself.. arse.

Going to move to email contact or dig out an old unused phone and put a new sim in just for the contact with him. Not doing this shit anymore.

All these lengthy messages and discussions are him trying to get you in enmeshed with his life
he wants you to be thinking about what he's thinking about, feeling sorry for him, anticipating what he's up to
it's a way of trying to get you to focus on him, even if you're angry with him that's a result for him.... he's just trying to draw you in

Well done op.

Don't bother responding to any of his accusations (or other bollocks, because it is utter bollocks). Grey rock him.

Basically his whole thing is trying to get you running around, about power over you. He doesn't give a tiny shit about your son. If he did, he wouldn't use him like a pawn like this.

Try to put together a response that works for lots of his messages and just keep pasting the same response.
"Ok, you need to set up a reliable schedule so your son can rely on you."

Don't reply to anything else he says

"How do I even respond to that warped logic"

You don't

You tell him that DC is available for contact as per schedule. If he cannot follow the schedule, all you need to know is when he will be explaining this tomDC, and what he proposes tomsay. You inky wish to know because DC may well be upset, supporting for her is the only thing that matters.

Add that you never have and never wouid discuss his motivations and attitudes with family/friends/third parties, not least because you do not know what they are. However, things such as breaches of contact schedule, which necessitate changes to home admin, are of course noticeable and you will make whatever arrangements may be necessary when DC is with you, including when unexpectedly so.

Keep a diary of every time he does not show up, with screenshots of messages whenever there is a relevant one. At some stage, you might need to decide what sort of schedule is actually in DC interests, and evidence of what it has actually been recently might help clarify thinking on this.

I'm sorry he's dicking you round on paying adequate CM

Well done op. I'm sorry he's being an arse but your response sounds good. As pp have said, don't reply to his lengthy message. I like the advice to have a stock phrase that you can just keep repeating. 'Do you have your proposed contact schedule yet? We need to agree it and stick to it so that ds knows which days and times he will see you.'

Well done OP

What a sad little man he is. Grey rock all the way. You have much better things to spend your time and energy on.