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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think ex partner is cutting contact with our child

60 replies

Pinklace2 · 29/10/2019 16:08

He kept up an act of wanting to be a better person/father for a couple of months, but has been gradually getting shitter. We had an arrangement of which days he has DC. He claimed his work hours changed meaning he cut down one of the days - he said he could not make up the time on another day due to his schedule.

Yesterday he informed me that he would cut off another day of his contact with DC because.. he’s starting a new hobby. I wasn’t happy obviously and asked why he couldn’t simply do the hobby on another day, or while DC is in school - his response was to make out I was being really unreasonable and argumentative, and basically turn into a brick wall and totally refuse to discuss it. This puts a massive strain on me, as I currently work on the day he is cutting from his contact.

I tried organising some childcare for the day he’s missing - and he took great offence to this, insisting that I was trying to make all of my family/friends hate him and think he was a terrible person Confused so he didn’t want anyone to know that he was dropping an entire days contact because he has a new hobby which lasts for one hour on that day.

He sent me loads of messages later that day basically telling me I’d caused this and I clearly wanted him to go away.. that I’d purposefully tried to make everyone hate him.. all totally untrue. He was meant to pick DC up from school today but he didn’t and hasn’t communicated with me at all, he didn’t even let me know he wouldn’t be doing the pick up.

Sorry it’s a bit long winded, I suppose I just want some reassurance that this isn’t my fault and I haven’t done anything wrong.. I’m really worried about how this will affect DC; whenever he misses one of the days he’s meant to pick them up from school etc it causes them a lot of distress. I don’t know how to explain to them why he isn’t seeing them at the moment.. and as I don’t know if it’s permanent or him punishing me for challenging his hobby cutting into his time with dc Sad

Just for context of what he is like as a person.. this is a previous thread about some of the issues we had in August
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3669512-Cheating-huge-number-of-women-Please-advise
(sorry if it’s not clicky)

OP posts:
SuperMeerkat · 29/10/2019 21:28

Sorry it’s happening @Pinklace2 However, it’s just what so many ‘father’s’ do. My son’s dad didn’t contact him for 5 years and failed to notice we’d moved 100 miles away. Even now, he only see’s him sporadically and often cancels weekends on the day.

Original poster
Pinklace2 · 29/10/2019 22:52

I’ve tried to establish what the contact timings will be, he’s refused and keeps either sending angry messages about how I’ve never cared about him or completely ignoring the DC contact timings question and pretending not to understand what I mean.

Totally exhausted and won’t engage further.

Does anyone have an idea what message I can finish things off with - he’s refusing email contact. Is it enough for me to just tell him to let me know when he can propose a contact schedule he can actually stick to? He’s dragging it out as long as possible Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklace2 · 29/10/2019 22:53

DC is three. How do you tell a three year old their dad doesn’t care enough to see them anymore without damaging them? Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 29/10/2019 23:04

Stop giving him the power. He's enjoying yanking your chain and will continue to do so. Don't let him decide a schedule.

Decide when contact is convenient for you.
Inform him of ds' availabliity in advance.
Have a back-up plan for those times.
If he doesn't turn up, he doesn't - no waiting more than half an hour.

Don't negotiate with him, don't enter into discussion.

I wouldn't explain to your son anything of the kind. I would avoid telling ds when his dad is supposed to be coming, so he's not expecting him. Distract and divert his attention to something else. And say you don't know if asked directly why dad isn't coming around or whatnot.

MzHz · 29/10/2019 23:07

Just tell this guy to go fuck himself and get the child care sorted without him. Make him do the running, or not.

Believe me, your ds won’t miss him eventually and he’ll be absolutely fine with a great mum like you.

Refuse to entertain contact via text or WhatsApp, email only. and if he doesn’t want to play ball, again, “go fuck yourself you deadbeat!”

category12 · 29/10/2019 23:07

And absolutely don't cover for him with family and friends. Not in an angry way, just unemotional statement of facts.

MzHz · 29/10/2019 23:08

@category12 approach is brilliant

pallisers · 29/10/2019 23:12

He’s contacted me and told me the reason he didn’t keep to DC contact today was because it looked like I wanted support from everyone else except him, and it looked like I wanted to manage fine without him. How do I even respond to that warped logic sad

Text him back "I don't need "support". I need childcare so I can work - my family and friends give that. But great that you are going back to our original arrangements"

But I think you need to face that he is on his way out of your lives. Sorry but he is going. I'd presume you are on your own from now on and try to plan accordingly.

RhinoskinhaveI · 29/10/2019 23:14

From what you said I think he view the children as levers that he can pull to try and get back at you, it's all about how you've been mean to him he appears to have no consideration for the fact that there are small innocent children whose feelings are being crushed because hecan't let go of his need to try and make you feel guilty.
I think ultimately you'll be better off without him in your life or if you could find some way of explaining to your children that their father is somehow compromised, just not very mature or able to cope with adult life?

RhinoskinhaveI · 29/10/2019 23:16

Be as calm and adult and businesslike as possible in your dealings with him, don't let him make you behave badly.

RhinoskinhaveI · 29/10/2019 23:18

Remember he can only manipulate you if you need him in some way, if he sees that you don't need him at all, that your life can function perfectly well without him that takes away all his power.

RosesAndLilies · 30/10/2019 01:16

He's being abusive and controlling. He sounds like a crap dad which is worse than no dad.

Great advice from category12

itsmecathycomehome · 30/10/2019 06:44

I would definitely continue to pursue cm but I wouldn't contact him again about contact time.

Send a final breezy message saying that he needs to put together a contact schedule for you to consider before you will make ds available for him, and don't respond to any messages that are not a contact schedule.

Either he'll get the message and send a schedule for your consideration, or he won't and you'll never see him again.

Make school aware.

In the meantime, organise your life and make the necessary arrangements to manage without any practical input from him as he is enjoying that power he has to disrupt your day.

You don't need to inflame things by running him down, but you can factually tell people that you have asked him to agree and adhere to a contact schedule, and are still waiting.

Don't tell ds anything for now. Answer questions factually, and in an increasingly age-appropriate way as he gets older.

Keep a record of every no-show, arsey message and dick move incase you begin to doubt yourself, he takes you to court or he lies to friends/family about what's happening.

TwattyX · 30/10/2019 08:09

I’ve got one of these, only he’s actually much worse unfortunately.

Mine tries to control me still after over 10 years of severe abuse, we’ve been divorced now for 4 years and still messes with the DC, still refuses to have any consistent contact days and still cancels last minute if he thinks I’m doing something (so I have to cancel or change my plans). Oh and we won’t even start on the stalking and harassment (I don’t use the word stalking lightly either, he follows me and sits outside my house. He also stalks me on social media).

It’s really hard to disengage, I still feel like I owe him an explanation. When he questions me whose car is outside my house, or what I’m doing etc, if I don’t answer or say none of your business he will call me a slag, a whore, a dirty cunt etc and for some reason he still gets to me. He’ll then call the DC on their iPads and say mum has stopped him from seeing them again (I never actually have) so he won’t be coming next time. He’s also told them his hobby is more important than them which is why he doesn’t see them more often (yes he really did say that).

But anyway, I don’t actually have any advice for you because I’m in a similar situation and could use some myself! Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone Flowers

YouJustDoYou · 30/10/2019 08:11

He's being a manipulative cunt. Don't engage/respond to the responses he's trying to elicit out of you.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 30/10/2019 08:22

Hi OP, I had one of these but DD was much younger and we were overseas so no maintenance, ever. To be honest it was so much easier all round when he had nothing to do with us, and made me wonder why I'd spent the first year of DD's life bending over backwards to accommodate his important golf/football weekends while working full time myself (aside from six weeks' maternity leave which he said was quite enough).

Your DC is three but really, looks as if zero contact is inevitable so the earlier the better for him/her. You don't need to explain anything - it will already be so obvious that you are the primary parent. My DD is nearly 12 and hasn't had any contact at all with her father for 18 years. We have talked about the fact that he simply wasn't ready to be a father, which she has accepted. Good luck - normal for your child may be different from what you ideally wanted, but can still be absolutely fine.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 30/10/2019 08:23

*nearly 22!

cheninblanc · 30/10/2019 08:25

I've been through ten years of this, we have a court order that he hadnt followed for 5 years he said it was void but has no paperwork to back that up.
He dropped holidays and the better I did at work going full time buying a new house new car etc the more he dropped, reduced his time by half, skipped weekends, provided nothing other than a babysitting service for me.... His ultimate agenda was to punish me to stop me being happy and something in life.
He wanted me to say they can't come anymore which I refused to do, I stuck with it all the time my dc were happy to go. Ended up this spring with an email to say they were too like me he never wanted to see them again, and they haven't. At that point I took back control and I haven't responded to that message nor dropped them off to him. Happier teenagers, no silly emails to me most weeks and calm in my home. There are some men that see the children as a tool to keep you back - arrange your child care, keep working and eventually it will ride itself out

NWQM · 30/10/2019 08:28

Lots of sound advise on here but hope it's helpful to add....

My husband and I have to frequently because of work change who does pick up and drop off. Kids do not mind. Kids don't actually remember who 'should be'. Just normalise for your DC that it could be x,y or z. Don't make a big deal of it being anyone. They just want picking up.

The important thing for your DC is making their normal seem well normal. It doesn't have to be because of a set pattern but that things fit into their general

Original poster
Pinklace2 · 30/10/2019 11:30

He’s meant to be doing pick up today and messaged me at 4am saying he’ll go if he can; but he’s not sure because he’s really tired. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklace2 · 30/10/2019 11:33

Thanks for the advice. Flowers My main worry at the moment is sorting alternative childcare and DC not being affected. I know if I organise someone else to do the pick ups on his days, he’ll spin it that I’ve taken that contact time away from him.. but I can’t drop everything on my work days just in case he doesn’t turn up Confused

OP posts:
NWQM · 30/10/2019 11:50

I know that this is easy to say but don't worry how he spins it. Arrange someone to be at pick up. If he is there and it's his contact day they can step back until he shows he can be constant.

Don't respond. If he kicks off that someone else is there you have his text as to why.

I honestly can't see how anyone could judge you as being sensible.

RhinoskinhaveI · 30/10/2019 11:51

Keep a very detailed log of everything that happens, it will be very useful if you ever need to build a case against him.

NWQM · 30/10/2019 11:51

Sorry - judge as being anything other than sensible

RhinoskinhaveI · 30/10/2019 11:52

Take him out of the equation completely, take his power away from him, he only has power over you whilst you need him to help
children need consistency, his shilly shallying is completely against their best interests and should not be entertained at all