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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needing help with a shocking situation

72 replies

HailBop · 16/08/2007 20:46

Very tearful at the moment, but my husband has just announced that he plans to divorce me after our first child is born and plans to take action for custody as he earns more, etc. This comes as a total shock- we have our ups and downs but not like this. Apparently his mother and everybody know about this. My family is in another country and I really don't know how to deal with this. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/08/2007 20:48

He cant apply for custody on the basis that he earns more money than you.

It simply means he is capable of paying you much maintenance.

Quite frankly, I wouldnt hang around and wait until the baby is born, I'd make plans to leave him now.

When is your baby due?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/08/2007 20:48

Where are you, and where are your family?

flowerybeanbag · 16/08/2007 20:50

Oh hailbop, what a nightmare.

What VVVQV said, he won't get custody just because he earns more.
Do you have somewhere you could go now, if you were to leave rather than wait around for him to do it?

Rhubarb · 16/08/2007 20:50

He would have a hard job trying to get custody! He'd need to prove that you are not caring for your baby in some way.

You, as wife and mother, are entitled to the house, maintenance and other payments the court may deem to be rightfully yours. He is entitled to access but he cannot take the baby from you. He'd need to find himself another house.

Contact your local CAB who will find you free legal advice.

artichokes · 16/08/2007 20:52

Poor, poor you. Get out now. He sounds a total prat. If his only grounds for custody is money then you have nothing to worry about. There is not a court in the land that would take a new baby from its Mum just on the basis of money.

Keep a record of all his threats and actions in case it does go to court.

SenoraPostrophe · 16/08/2007 20:52

why would he tell you now that he's going to leave after the baby's born? what a horrible man.

leave now: go to your family if you can. and like the others say, earnings aren't a factor in custody cases.

Original poster
HailBop · 16/08/2007 20:52

Hi ladies, unfortunately I can't hand around the computer as he is here discussing this with a friend....unfortunately I can't afford to leave aththe moment.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 16/08/2007 20:54

hailbop, so sorry you got this shock today - not what you need when your are pregnant! Have you anywhere you can go away from him for the rest of your preg?

He will not get custody on grounds that he earns more, has to be REALLY strong case AGAINST you first as to why you are UNFIT. Mothers always get first dibs.....

AS rhubarb says, get to CAB and clarify your rights.

Aitch · 16/08/2007 20:54

i think vvv's right about the baby, HailBop, i'm sure custody doesn't work like that. i as think she's bang on about not hanging around til the baby's born. how settled are you here, would you think about going home to your family before it all gets very complicated?

tribpot · 16/08/2007 20:54

Outrageous. You poor, poor thing. He will never get custody on the grounds of earning more money, that is just bollocks. Citizens' Advice is where you need to start at a minimum, but if you want to, tell us where you are in the country and we can see if Mumsnetters can be more hands-on.

Try not to worry, if that's possible. No-one will take your baby from you, I will personally stand up in front of you to ensure it doesn't happen. And I bet every MNer who reads this will do the same.

Rhubarb · 16/08/2007 20:55

He is discussing it with a friend! OMG!

YOU DO NOT LEAVE. He does.
Get yourself legal help pronto. Seems to me like him and his "gang" are taking advantage.

NadineBaggott · 16/08/2007 20:55

I would find your passport before he does and get back to your family, you're going to need them.

motherinferior · 16/08/2007 20:57

He won't get custody. Don't let him treat you like this. We will help you.

handlemecarefully · 16/08/2007 20:58

Rhubarb is absolutely right - you need to stay put

ScaryHairy · 16/08/2007 20:59

Do speak to CAB. Although I agree with the others that I would be inclined to get out of the relationship asap, do take legal advice before leaving the house. He should find somewhere else to live, IMO, and you should not have to leave.
Do not worry about the baby. He will not get custody without proving you are unfit which you will not be!
Can you get a friend or a family member to come and stay? You should have lots of support at a time like this.

Aitch · 16/08/2007 20:59

where are you from, Hailbop?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/08/2007 20:59

Go to the CAB in the morning.

Tell them everything, and tell them that you are also fearful of your "D"H, and what he might do.

If necessary, ask about women's refuges.

motherinferior · 16/08/2007 20:59

Yes, I agree stay put.

I have to say, this is the husband with the private practice who was planning to do childcare?

Bluestocking · 16/08/2007 21:01

What an appalling turn of events, HB. Just to second what everyone else is saying - there's no way he'll get custody on the basis that "he earns more". It would be sensible to make sure you have your passport in your handbag - if I were you I'd be tempted to empty the joint account too but he sounds like the sort who may already have done this. Do you have a friend you can go to?

Aitch · 16/08/2007 21:01

seems like you have more choices than you thought at any rate. i'm not sure i would have been capable of fighting some git out of 'his' house when i was pregnant, though.
what happens if the baby is born abroad? does that make things easier for the mum when it comes to custody? does anyone know about this stuff?

gess · 16/08/2007 21:01

Do you have access to a credit card? Book your flight if you can (not sure how pregnant you are) and get back to your family.

I do know someone who left his wife whilst she was in labour. He didn't get custody- wouldn't have stood a chance. Don't believe him, he;s in la la land

gess · 16/08/2007 21:02

oh well- can see what the others mean about staying. But it kind of depends where you want to end up iyswim.

Rhubarb · 16/08/2007 21:02

I don't think she has the money to go anywhere.

Nor should she need to go anywhere. It's her home too. Why should she run? With the right support she should stay put and get rid of this arsehole.

Aitch · 16/08/2007 21:07

well... she could go home to her family who could support her and stick up for her and care for her and her new baby... i don't think that's running, exactly.

tori32 · 16/08/2007 21:09

Is there any family member who could lend you some money to go back to your family as if the baby is born in another country it will have that countries citizenship if you have the nationality. so it would be harder for him to take it through the legal system. Anyway, earnings bear no relation to custody it is who would the child be better off with emotionally. In this country all wealth means is that his CSA bill will be higher although he will be entitled to access of some kind. Really sorry this has happened to you at such an important time in your life