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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Needing help with a shocking situation

72 replies

HailBop · 16/08/2007 20:46

Very tearful at the moment, but my husband has just announced that he plans to divorce me after our first child is born and plans to take action for custody as he earns more, etc. This comes as a total shock- we have our ups and downs but not like this. Apparently his mother and everybody know about this. My family is in another country and I really don't know how to deal with this. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:

NadineBaggott · 16/08/2007 21:09

well I agree gess plus what aitch just said. I'm sure if I were pregnant and my dh was threatening to whisk the baby away (who knows what h'll do) 'the house' would be the bottom of the list.

I'd feel much happier with my own family around me and worry about entitlements when I felt in a more secure environment.

Pixiefish · 16/08/2007 21:09

depends where she is. If she's in the UK then I agree she should stay put but if she's abroad- depending where then she could have problems taking a child out of the country

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:10

I would return to your home country immediately.

I would beg, steal or borrow the money to do it, too.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:11

Yeah, fuck the house. You need support. It's not here, case closed.

Bluestocking · 16/08/2007 21:12

Read HB's message here - the guy sounds like a real charmer.

NurseyJo · 16/08/2007 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LelsandZaffy · 16/08/2007 21:15

Ermmm I would like to see him being pregnant!! Just read that post Bluestocking he sounds like prat! WHere are you from Halibop? Do you have any friends to stay with??

Aitch · 16/08/2007 21:17

yes, well, that's why i'd have thought that getting out of the country before the baby was a legal entity, iykwim, would be a good idea.

Aitch · 16/08/2007 21:21

mind you, it does rather depend on whether or not you feel your family will be supportive, hailbop. only they can tell you that. will you be speaking to them tonight?

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:21

I think it sounds a very good idea right about now, Aitch.

gess · 16/08/2007 21:27

actually agree- get out, have the baby in your home country so he or she has your nationality. Sod hanging around for a house (and custody battles).

Pammylou72 · 16/08/2007 21:34

I work for a social care organisation(I'm not a social worker but i know enough of the legal stuff) and there is no way that he would get custody. Custody is awarded according to the best interests of the child and it is in every newborn child's interest to be with their mother - unless she is in some way a threat to that child. I suggest that you breastfeed as this will limit the access your husband will have to your child if you leave him.

There is NO WAY a court would award custody based on finance.

Please talk to your midwife who will be able to put you in touch with a social worker, who can help you to get legal help.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:36

If you are not an EU national or here in the UK as a permanent resident, there's a chance, too, that you could have problems remaining in the UK. Your child, however, would be a British national.

And this could be problematic.

All the more reason to find a way to get out asap.

LittleBellatrixLeBoot · 16/08/2007 21:40

In your situation, if you have a supportive family at home, I'd get on a plane.

It's not right, it's not fair, but being with people who love you and are on your side when you have just had a baby, is more important than justice. And if you don't do it now, while you are pregnant, he will get an injunction to prevent you from doing it when the baby is born, so you will never be able to go back to your family again until your child is of an age (in their teens) when they are able to give an opinion about where they live. If you are happy to live in Britain for the next 15 years or so, then stay, but if you have any idea at all that you might want to go home and get a job and a life there, you must do it now. Like Expat says, beg, borrow or steal. I know someone who is French who was forbidden to go back and live in France where her family network was, where her friends were, and where she could have got a much better job, because her xp got an injunction to stop her leaving the country with his child. And we are talking about our nearest EU neighbour here.

What is your home country?

Original poster

HailBop · 16/08/2007 21:44

Hi ladies, very suprised at all the comments but thanks for the input. I think I will try to stay calm, talk to family and get some legal advice. Yes he has commented previously on wanting to take care of the baby and it took him some time to understand that I needed maternity clothes. I don't want to go into issues of nationality etc. for privacy sake. Have a girlfriend coming next week which is great.
As an aside, does he have the right to attend any obstetrician appointments?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:45

Great point, Bella.

I wouldn't even bother getting legal advice here or tipping them off to your situation.

I'd bail.

I honestly would, and then apply for divorce in your home country citing emotional abuse.

Aitch · 16/08/2007 21:46

i doubt it, tbh. fathers don't have much in the way of rights until their name's on the birth cert, afaik. how are you feeling? do you love him?

lifebeginstoday · 16/08/2007 21:47

Hi, I don't know for sure but I would think that if you state you don;t want him there then you can't be forced to have him there? I'm sure someone will know for sure, but I;d guess that's the case.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:47

Also, as I pointed out, IF you are in Britain as a visa dependent of your British spouse, when this expires in the 2 year time frame, you will have problems getting perm residency - not saying it's impossible, but it will not be a straightforward application.

Meanwhile, the child will be British.

BIG problems.

Aitch · 16/08/2007 21:48

tbh expat i think that's a horribly good point. god knows if he can get an injunction on you leaving while pregnant then you are screwed. i'd be Very Careful about what i said to him and his family from now on.
what do you think your family's attitude will be?

Aitch · 16/08/2007 21:49

x-posted with expat. i was referring to her earlier 'don't tip him off'. however the nationality of the baby does seem to be really important, tbh.
how are you feeling, what is happening now?

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:49

It's easy enough to get out undected, though, especially if you don't take a plane.

I recommend a ferry myself. To the Continent, preferably.

gess · 16/08/2007 21:49

I would have thought that he has no right at all to attend obs appointments- the obs is for you.

BW my cousin left his wife when she was pregnant and he wasn't even allowed to see the child except in a contact centre initially (as he had no relationship with the baby).

Do get legal advice. Do think very seriously about getting back to your home country before the baby is born. (I know someone in the States who cannot leave her dh now in prison because she can't get the children out of the country- they have US passports and citizenship, actually can think of a very unhappy Oz marriage as well- same problem)

Also agree to try to breastfeed as that will limit his access.

McEdam · 16/08/2007 21:49

HailBop, not in the UK, he doesn't.

Bluestocking · 16/08/2007 21:50

I think that Bella's point, which is a very valid one, would probably only apply if HB's husband is British, and we don't know if he is. However, if I was in HB's situation, I would have been out of the house (passport in hand) as soon as the announcement was made.

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