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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Needing help with a shocking situation

72 replies

HailBop · 16/08/2007 20:46

Very tearful at the moment, but my husband has just announced that he plans to divorce me after our first child is born and plans to take action for custody as he earns more, etc. This comes as a total shock- we have our ups and downs but not like this. Apparently his mother and everybody know about this. My family is in another country and I really don't know how to deal with this. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:50

Undetected, that is.

gess · 16/08/2007 21:50

expat- that's exactly what has happened to the person I know in the States. British mother, American children- nightmare.

Pammylou72 · 16/08/2007 21:52

he doesn't have the right. Any appointments are between you and your doctor. Don't tell him about them. You could call one of the women's charities: Refuge's no is 0808 2000 247. They should be able to help you. It's a free 24 hour number.

Difers · 16/08/2007 21:55

Is it realistic for you to go home?? For example Can you afford to? or would be be culturally acceptable for you to?? I would agree with the others but you may well not be in a position to go home.

Has everything been going alright until the pregnancy? Why the "I'm going to divorce you" thing now??

Original poster

HailBop · 16/08/2007 21:56

Thanks for the advice everybody, I'm going to call it a night and try to clear my. I will find out more about citizenship, etc and hopefully let you know how things go. I'd rather not have everything blow up as I do love my husband and don't want to kill our marriage, but it seems best to be well informed about my rights in any case.
Good night!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 21:58

I know someone in the reverse situation, gess. She's American - now naturalised - and must remain in the UK until her children come of age because their British father refuses to allow permission for her to remove them to the US except for visits.

And if there're are two countries who will arrest and extradite parents who break such 'agreements', on either side, it's the US and the UK.

CarGirl · 16/08/2007 21:59

If you are a British National and are not currently in the UK the British Embassy where you are living have an obligation to repatriate you to the UK in an emergency situation and i believe you do not have to pay them to do so if you don't have any money. If you are not in the UK and are a british national I suggest you come back here asap to protect your rights - fathers/mothers have different rights in different countries.

gess · 16/08/2007 22:00

the person I know can't get passports for her children because she needs the father to sign the forms (even thoughbecause he beat her up he isn't allowed near her or the children).

Difers · 16/08/2007 22:00

Oh he has no right to attend any doctors appointment with you! It would be against your Human Rights. (Human Rights Act - right to Privacy)

Have you registered with a GP yet??

Lie, Lie, Lie until you hatch an escape plan.

ScaryHairy · 16/08/2007 22:01

Hailbop- I don't pretend to know everything about it, but if you are from a country with Sharia law then check the position before going back to have the baby, especially if your husband is also from there. I think sharia law prescribes different rules about awarding custody to fathers (if not when the child is born, then later on when it is less dependant on its mother).

I do agree that you may wish to be wherever you will be happiest and get the most support. Having seen the other thread, I also think your DH sounds truly unreasonable and unrealistic. I hope you have someone else to give you some support.

NadineBaggott · 16/08/2007 22:01

Sounds like he's the one killing the marriage but if you can work on him fair enough .........

ScaryHairy · 16/08/2007 22:02

Can you raid the joint account? Or at least take some small-ish amounts (pretend they are for household expenses) and stash it somewhere. I think you need to get an escape fund if you can.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 22:03

That SUX, gess. I've got another friend who is American by birth and upbringing, but with Scottish parents. She has dual nationality and wished to move here with her two daughters. Her ex made her go through hell before he granted permission and he's now being a dick about signing the forms to renew their passports - he's American, too.

She finally got here, however, but her children have to live here for 3 years until they can apply to naturalise.

She's having NO luck contacting him at all.

chocolatekimmy · 16/08/2007 22:22

Won't there be the issue for him to prove its his baby - i'm not saying that it isn't of course but surely there would have to be a paternity test before he could claim custody.

I'm not an expert in anyway but that might buy some time once the baby is born.

Hope things work out for you.

elesbells · 16/08/2007 22:23

if they are married and the baby was conceived during it, the baby will be deemed as his.

chocolatekimmy · 16/08/2007 22:40

Wouldn't mean it was though would it - wonder if it would be of any use to 'muddy the waters'

ib · 16/08/2007 22:50

Just wanted to second HS' post about checking your and your dh's rights under the law of your country before going to give birth there - there are many countries where you will have less rights as a mother than in the UK.

Aitch · 16/08/2007 22:55

SUCH a good point, ib.

LittleBellatrixLeBoot · 16/08/2007 23:08

Yes, agree. All comment about upping and going is predicated on the assumption you have the same or better legal rights in the country you are going to, as here.

If not, no point going of course. Except for the support from family. Would anyone be able to come here to support you if you going there wouldn't be an option?

tori32 · 17/08/2007 14:39

Hi hailbop
I'm a nurse and know he is not entitled to attend appointments if you tell staff you do not want him present. If necessary security will be called to remove him. Its a confidentiality issue. The child is legally yours until born which is why only a mothers signature is required for consent to an abortion. Sorry to bring that into it but it demonstrates the point. Hope this reassures you

flightattendant · 17/08/2007 15:14

Oh my I have just seen this thread and am totally shocked. Hailbop, I'm so sorry you're having this happen to you right now.
Your husband sounds very abusive and callous from an outside standpoint, and it sounds as though he has killed the marriage himself already - I can understand it must be a huge shock, and hard to imagine leaving all you know behind, but really the women on here are right (as far as I can tell, not knowing you personally) in that leaving the country now while you are pregnant may well avert most of the trouble that is waiting to happen once your child is here.
Many of us with similarly abusive partners or ex's would kill to have family overseas that we could escape to, especially while still pregnant as the man has very little power at this stage - later it turns round so that they have rather a lot of it

I hope you will get the chance to step back and assimilate what's going on with your girlfriend, and get some support - nobody can make you leave him but he does sound particularly uncaring and very disrespectful of your needs.

Sorry. I hope you are Ok.

flightattendant · 17/08/2007 15:17

(OP sounds a bit overwhelmed, not easy to hear this stuff, I hope she finds a way out...so frustrating not to be able to persuade people out of these situations )

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