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Original poster

Telling my BFF who can't have kids I'm pregnant

55 replies

DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 09:30

She's been my best friend for 25 years. I had my DD, just before she got married and before she and her DH started trying.

She's had a horrendous time with miscarriages and IVF. She's at the end of her last cycle. One last try that keeps getting delayed for different reasons and her mental health is shot.

Her mental health has suffered, such a lot. I've seen her when shes been devastated when friends have fallen pregnant, I've spoken to mutual friends and shielded her on nights out and the conversation gets too 'babyfied'. I've even gone as far as making sure DD isn't about when she's particularly fragile - I know all to well how much it all effects her.

So I know its going to be really horrible for her when I tell her I'm pregnant. I had two miscarriages last year, I only told her about one of them after the event. TBH, we weren't ttc at the moment but are still thrilled. Its further along and I'm feeling positive.

I just can't think of how to even begin to tell her. It's the worst possible time for her. I know I'm going to lose her. The thought of hurting her really upsets me. I feel bad keeping it from her. The last couple of weeks I've been talking to her about the latest developments with her treatment, all the while knowing.

In recebt years, friends have invited her over, invited her to tea or asked to call round to break the news. Each time, she's said she's happy for them and then afterwards called me to cry and rant. So I know none of these are a good way to do it
Please help me figure out the best way to tell her.

OP posts:
AnotherQuirkyUsername · 29/10/2019 09:37

Can you write her a letter? I think giving her a chance to have her authentic reaction without having to fake the whole "I'm so happy for you" would be helpful because in all honesty she probably won't be happy for you and that's not because she's horrible but because she's hurting.

You sound like an amazing friend and she's genuinely lucky to have you so hopefully she will realise that and not cut you off but do allow her some time and let her come to you after finding out.

Good luck , it can't be easy.

Oh and congratulations Thanks

hellsbellsmelons · 29/10/2019 09:37

There is no best way to do this OP.
I honestly have no advice for you.
You have been a good friend and her issues conceiving are not your fault.
Leave it as long as possible.
And if she is as a good a friend as you are then her heart will break for herself but she should be still be happy for you.
Congratulations OP.

LazyDaisey · 29/10/2019 09:44

I agree letter is better than face to face chat. But I wouldn’t delay it - break the news while she still has a chance, rather than when the last cycle fails.

Unoboozetrez · 29/10/2019 12:45

Oh Op,
You’re so, so lovely and you do so deserve to enjoy this time. Many congratulations to you and your partner.

I have been your friend. Tens of thousands of pounds spent on fertility treatment over decades resulting in counselling, losing friends, living on a tight budget and missing out on much-needed holidays.

You are being as pro-active, conscious and as caring as you can be and will need to remember this at times, ok.

When I was at my worst, a text was impersonal and felt like a wimps way out, like I wasn’t worthy of an explanation or taking time out for. Confidence gets knocked.

A phonecall doesn’t allow someone in this shitty situation any breathing space and puts them in an incredibly hard emotional and physical place. The silence can be deadly so for this reason is better to be avoided.

I do agree with LazyDaisey and suggest a handwritten letter. I personally would have appreciated wording explaining that whilst you can’t ever understand how I feel, you do know that it is going to be painful for me, that there is no easy way to tell me and that I am entitled to scream and get angry. This is not a personal attack towards her and you will take the lead from her regarding communication.

You need to remember that it isn’t you she’s cross at. It’s the situation she’s thoroughly pissed off with, ok. She’s not in control of her destiny at the moment and her choice has been taken away.

She is grieving.

Wishing you the absolute best with your pregnancy xxx

Belfield · 29/10/2019 13:30

You sound very caring. I suffer from secondary infertility and prefer when my friends just say it without focusing on my infertility. An email is fine if you don't see each other a lot, I think, but if not then I would just say in person. You sound kind so think you will handle it beautifully.

Innishh · 29/10/2019 13:47

How did she respond at your loss last year?
Was she supportive?

You have given her an incredible amount so far and she should be expecting the news after the miscarriage - I would give her the opportunity to be happy for you.

I find it sad that you keep your DD out of the way.

Are you worried now that your friendship will be curtailed?

Innishh · 29/10/2019 14:44

Firstly big big congratulations to you - I hope it heals the pain of your loss and you can feel joy with your DP and DC. Exciting times!

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 16:48

Thanks so much for all the replies and congratulations! I forgot my phone charger today so could respond earlier (early baby brain issues probably! Grin)

I like the idea of a letter in principal but then when I think about the practicality of getting it to her and making it so that she reads it at the right time, it makes me panic a little.

@Unoboozetrez you said pretty much what I'd say to her. I don't want her to pretend to be happy for me, I know she's not unhappy for me, she's just so pissed off for herself. If you looked at the both of us, she is the physically fit, well oiled, body is a temple mother earth figure, she's tried everything. I am the opposite in many ways. So it is, it is unfair.

@innishh yeah I think the friendship will be curtailed, I know she's had to bow out of other friendships because it's been too difficult. Not entirely, I am sure, but she will be a big loss. I think it will be quite difficult really. I really do understand where she's coming from and trying not to take it personally, but a little bit of me feels hard done by on that front. Even though it's not happened yet.

Which is probably very selfish.

Thank you all for the advice

OP posts:
Innishh · 29/10/2019 17:08

I think that you should feel hard done by if that happens - that’s v unfair on you.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 29/10/2019 17:15

People invited her round to tell her? Fucking hell, how unbelievably awful. What is she supposed to do in that situation? You might as well just punch her in the face doing a big face to face announcement. How cruel. Unfortunately there is no right way of doing this but having had years of failed TTC, I would send a text to give her space to handle it alone. Please please do NOT put her on the spot with her reaction. She might not like the text but at least she can handle the shock in private.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 29/10/2019 17:46

I've only had 2 friends who have handled this in a way I thought was great (one sent a text when she knew I'd be at home with DH and included acknowledgment of how hard this could be for me so she didn't expect to hear from me until I was ready. The other called my DH and asked him for help and he told me for her).

Please please don't stand there and tell her face to face. I can't explain to you how hard it is to smile, hug and say congratulations when you want to cry. It's so uncomfortable because it's hurt mixed with guilt and no one should be put through that.

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 17:53

On threads like these, the overwhelming majority of people in your friends position want to be told by text. Definitely don’t do it in person.

I wouldn’t say anything about knowing it will be hard for her, how you know she’ll be upset etc. It’s bad enough not being able to react normally to happy news without having that explicitly said. Kept it factual.

SoniasTrumpet · 29/10/2019 18:07

Wow, wish I'd had more friends like you when I was going through IVF and miscarriages. A letter is maybe best. No easy way tbh and she'll proba ky guess anyway. I always knew!!

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 18:16

@IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy yes I had thought of calling her DH or her mum or her dSis. I just didn't want to be as PP said a text might be, quite cowardly.

I know what people mean, a text might be cowardly, but I don't think it's about me and she'll know I would be only trying to do the right thing by her. I just absolutely don't want her to feel like she has to congratulate me. And I think if I'm there and I tell her not to try and say the niceties cos it doesn't matter, she'll just feel shit.

I think I've narrowed it down to calling her DH/mum so I know when she's at home and she has someone to rant to and either texting her or calling in to tell her but being straight up about leaving straight away and giving her space.

Her DH has just told her no more IVF after this last transfer. She's also taking time off work for stress. I'm going to have to leave it for now I think, we've decided not to tell family for another 3 weeks anyway until the scan. So I've got a bit longer to think about it.

Thanks again, I appreciate all your input and I'm sorry so many of you have had such a shit time Flowers

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 18:19

Please don’t do it in person. It’s really cruel. Especially not dumping it on her and heading straight out of the door.

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 18:21

Yes @MissDesireeCarthors - I know, and I always joined in the ranting about the insensitive arses that did that. I can see how they wanted to do the right thing and TBF they were probably more in the early days when it wasnt quite such a difficult subject. Now, I don't think anyone would do that as its being going on so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 18:23

Well I wouldn't do it it was going to be like that @PurpleDaisies, but I see your point. I think I'll ask for her DHs opinion on that too

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 18:24

My dh is as upset about our situation as I am. What makes you think hers isn’t? They both can’t have a child.

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 18:25

And I would absolutely hate my friends conspiring with my husband to treat me with kid gloves.

Just send a text when you think she’ll be at home.

Look at the threads on the infertility boards about this.

Alicia9999 · 29/10/2019 18:30

I would send a long, thoughtful text, letter seems a bit dramatic and old school. You sound like a lovely friend, and as hurt as she may be, I'm sure she will know that you aren't trying to hurt her in any way. I'd personally try and cover the following points:

  1. this is going to be difficult to hear, so im text you so that you can respond in your own time
  2. I'm pregnant
  3. Please take your time to respond, no pressure
  4. you know how difficult it is for you and you are so so sorry she is having such a rough time
  5. you understand that it will be difficult for her to want to celebarte this and don't expect it at all
  6. you love her so much and don't want to lose her, and dont want to make her feel bad in any way during your pregnancy - can be led by her on how you deal with it etc
Alicia9999 · 29/10/2019 18:33

I also wouldn't conspire with her family/DH. It will just make her feel pathetic and pitied.

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 18:34

With all due respect, I think I know my friend and her state of mind at the moment better than you do.

If I thought a text when I think she will be home would be OK, I'd do it. But I don't, she's off work with the stress and is regularly telling me what a mess she feels like she is in and as I've said she's been struggling with her mental health. I appreciate your advice and I'll probably take it but I'm not patronising her by talking to her DH. We've all been concerned and she NEEDs to be treated carefully and considerately.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 18:35

Why ask then?

You’ve already decided.

TheAgeofAnxiety · 29/10/2019 18:35

I have been in your exact shoes. I told my friend only after passing the 12 week mark (and omitting that it was the result of the first attempt). I then nominated her DS's godmother. Tough call though, I totally get you.

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 18:39

@purpledaisies

Yeah after reading advice on here and getting feedback from other people who've also been in similar situations

I'm not being 'cruel' by feeling that sending a text when I think she's in might not be enough

OP posts:
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