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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Telling my BFF who can't have kids I'm pregnant

55 replies

DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 09:30

She's been my best friend for 25 years. I had my DD, just before she got married and before she and her DH started trying.

She's had a horrendous time with miscarriages and IVF. She's at the end of her last cycle. One last try that keeps getting delayed for different reasons and her mental health is shot.

Her mental health has suffered, such a lot. I've seen her when shes been devastated when friends have fallen pregnant, I've spoken to mutual friends and shielded her on nights out and the conversation gets too 'babyfied'. I've even gone as far as making sure DD isn't about when she's particularly fragile - I know all to well how much it all effects her.

So I know its going to be really horrible for her when I tell her I'm pregnant. I had two miscarriages last year, I only told her about one of them after the event. TBH, we weren't ttc at the moment but are still thrilled. Its further along and I'm feeling positive.

I just can't think of how to even begin to tell her. It's the worst possible time for her. I know I'm going to lose her. The thought of hurting her really upsets me. I feel bad keeping it from her. The last couple of weeks I've been talking to her about the latest developments with her treatment, all the while knowing.

In recebt years, friends have invited her over, invited her to tea or asked to call round to break the news. Each time, she's said she's happy for them and then afterwards called me to cry and rant. So I know none of these are a good way to do it
Please help me figure out the best way to tell her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 18:41

Thanks @Alicia9999
I think that's exactly what I should say

I do think I am going to give her DH a heads up though and find out when he will be home at the same time. I don't think she'd take that the wrong way, we're all friends

OP posts:
LazyDaisey · 29/10/2019 18:41

I think telling her her mother or husband instead of her is a bit shite, sorry. She’s your friend... I wouldn’t want my close friend to tell me difficult news by making my husband or mum tell me. What’s wrong with going out as normal or seeing her at hers, pressing a hand written letter into her hand and telling her to please read this when she’s got the time to process something she might find difficult to hear. Then leave. She’ll guess straight away but can chose to tell herself it’s not what she thinks it is and not open your letter until she’s ready on her own terms.

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 18:45

What’s wrong with going out as normal or seeing her at hers, pressing a hand written letter into her hand and telling her to please read this when she’s got the time to process something she might find difficult to hear. Then leave.

It’s another version of the hit and run. She’ll have to get herself home on her own, possibly crying or in a bad emotional state. Horrible. I’m guessing you’ve never been in the friend’s position?

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 18:47

@lazeydaisy wouldn't get them to tell her for me. That's not what I meant, although a PP said she was happy a friend of hers did that.

I initially wanted to ask her mum advice but reading a PP post about a friend making sure her DH was at home and aware when she sent the text struck a chord. I really think my friend will take this hard and would appreciate her DH support and would need it. I know them well as a couple and I think it will be a good way of doing it.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 29/10/2019 18:53

I was infertile for 10 years, all my friends and family had kids during that time, and the only method of ‘breaking the news’ that didn’t make me feel suicidal was text message. I could grieve, rant and rave in private and then when I felt up to it would reply a few days later with a sweet ‘congratulations’ message. To be quite frank OP this isn’t about what is best for your guilt, it’s about what’s best for her MH; and trust me. Breaking the news in person when you are her rock will destroy her.

DaisyMay25 · 29/10/2019 18:56

I've been on the other side of this, not a best friend but a friend. I had a miscarriage and was about to start my first round of IVF. She had been trying for less than six months when she told me via text. She asked me how my ivf stuff was going and I asked her how her trying to conceive was going so I guess she saw an opening to tell me. I was so happy for her, then I cried. I had to remind myself though that her having a baby wasn't taking away a baby from me.
I would never want someone to feel guilty about something that is so joyous!
I think it's a good idea to just send her a message when she's gone with her husband so she can digest it without having to watch how she reacts face to face, but I agree giving her DH a heads up is a good idea.

Congratulations on your pregnancy too OP!

Bisquick · 29/10/2019 18:58

Actually I’d have preferred it if someone told my DH and he told me.

I had a stillbirth a few years ago. About a month later a friend’s wife was expecting and he made a big hoohaah about calling me and telling me. He even called DH before but wanted to call me himself. I’m sure it was well meant, but I’d have preferred just a text and being able to respond in my own time, rather than forced to hold back tears of anguish

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 19:03

I get that sending a text is the way to go, and I'm glad I posted to ask because before I really did think that face to face would be still brutal but best, so thanks all for your input on that.

I do like the suggestion of speaking to the DH so I can make sure I do it at the best time so also thanks for that suggestion

@GrumpyHoonMain To be quite frank OP this isn’t about what is best for your guilt, it’s about what’s best for her MH

Not sure which part of any of my comments have suggested this is about my guilt and not.my.best friend's welfare, but yes, very true, thank you

OP posts:
MotherofDogs3 · 29/10/2019 19:14

Im about to go through ivf so in your friends shoes after ttc for 4 years. I wouldn't go round there thats not fair on her. If i was you like others have said send her a nice text message. Trust me i might not know her but i do know she will appreciate that more then you visiting her with a long speach prepared. This way she can process it in her own way/time without having to fake a smile while wanting to burst into tears. A text is BEST for her even if you dont think so.

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 19:19

@motherofdogs3

Thanks, I can definitely see, from. Everyone's replies a text is the way to go. I wasn't disagreeing with that, although I was disagreeing with 'send a text when you think she's in' and don't consult the DH. Personally, I would rather make sure I know she's in, isn't planning on going out or doing anything and that her DH is around for support.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 19:20

Are you just going to ask when they’re in together or are you going to tell him why?

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 29/10/2019 19:27

@purpledaisies I honestly don't know yet, it'd probably be weird if I asked if they were going to be in together and not say why. But I also don't feel confident about finding a good time to speak to him on his own anyway - plus I wouldn't want to ask him to keep a secret from her for any period of time. I think I'm going to have to play it by ear, see if I can call him at a good time or not. I speak to her most days so I usually know roughly what they're up to. To be honest, the difficult thing is picking a night she's not busy and off out to places or theyre in at the same time.

I'll just see how it goes for a few weeks

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 29/10/2019 19:31

Congrats OP, that’s lovely news. If I was in your shoes I would just tell her face to face. If she decides that it’s too painful for her to be around you then you will need to accept that the relationship with your friend will end. Unfortunately you can’t make it better and however she finds out will no doubt be difficult for her. Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 19:36
PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 19:38

Unfortunately you can’t make it better and however she finds out will no doubt be difficult for her

Did you not bother reading any of the posts from the people who’ve been in the friend’s position? It’s never easy but some ways to find out are worse than others, with face to face being the worst.

PollyShelby · 29/10/2019 19:41

Good luck telling her, and congratulations.

I would be guided by those on here who have been in her position and they all seem to agree on a text.

Unoboozetrez · 29/10/2019 20:05

Having already posted here, I would recommend a text as opposed to whatsapp.

Neither of you will benefit from her knowing it’s been read. (Subject to her settings, obviously)

Tinkerbell456 · 29/10/2019 20:18

As someone who is infertile due to a genetic problem, it is really tough when everyone seems to be having babies. I have known since I was 15, which I think has made it easier than going through the heartbreak of fertility treatment that doesn’t succeed. Life, however, has to go on. It is obviously completely unreasonable to expect others to not have kids because I can’t. I was genuinely happy for friends and family having babies.

partysong · 29/10/2019 21:08

I've been on both sides- i needed IVF to conceive so had 5 years of being the one in pain while others got pregnant and then when I got pregnant was very aware of my friend who couldn't (and never did) conceive

For both of us a text was best, with her I acknowledged openly how shit it was because we had spoken about it. I made clear she didn't even have to congratulate me or feel happy at all and that I loved her whatever she needed to do. She distances herself a little for a while, and when I do see her I make an effort to not have my DS around or talk about him much which I'm ok with.

Congratulations by the way Smile

Becbobs · 29/10/2019 21:27

I've been in your shoes with close friends of my DH. They'd just lost a baby when I told them I was pregnant with my first (we didn't know - they told us after) and then a second attempt didn't grow past the egg sac stage right when I was pregnant with my second and about to tell people. We sent a text to give them space and time as we knew how hard it was for them. We also didn't put much on Facebook or other social media, partly to not rub it in (I was due within days of their due date) It was easier in that we couldn't easily drop in anyway, but my DH agonised over it. We felt this was the best we could do in the circumstances. Happily, they now have two (one adopted) very close in age to ours and it hasn't affected the friendship at all.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 29/10/2019 21:52

OP I think you're getting a bit of a hard time from some posters here.

As I said earlier, one of my friends spoke to my DH first. She knows us both well and knows he would handle the news well but it would upset me. She called to tell him and ask him how she should tell me and he suggested telling me for her.

Honestly, I love her for it. I didn't feel patronised at all, she wasn't sure what to do for the best and knew the one person who would be able to advise her was my DH. And he told me in a gentle way, prepared for the upset that followed.

Also, the friend who told me via text just messaged me one evening and asked how I was / what was I up to. When I told her DH and I were just having an evening in together, she told me she was pregnant.
She's since explained she felt horrible because she wanted to be there in person to support me but she put me first and knows me enough to know I would have put a happy face on and just let it out to DH later anyway.

OP you seem to know your friend well. If you know her mum or husband and think they can help, I don't see any reason not to ask them.

leomama81 · 30/10/2019 00:27

I've recently had to do this, with a good friend who likewise has cut herself off from other mutual friends who have become pregnant. After lots of thinking and consultation with a couple of people I also sent a text. I did not do the "this is going to be hard for you" or anything like that because I was advised it would sound pitying, I just said it quite straight and said I would love to see her but also made it clear that it was up to her when that was. Unfortunately I haven't seen her since and from what's happened with other friends I doubt I will anytime soon, which is hard for me also though I understand.

My only real piece of advice is re speaking to the DH - you know her so you know if that's best BUT in the case of my friend, another of our friends did that and she hated it, they really fell out over it for a long time. I think if it is clear that he knew, if he can't hide it, it can come across a bit patronizing. Basically you don't want to do anything that may be taken as treating her differently/feeling sorry for her, in my opinion.

It is incredibly hard and there is nothing you can do that can make it better really, just do the best you can and don't feel guilty either, congrats and enjoy your pregnancy Thanks

PurpleTreeFrog · 30/10/2019 00:40

I was in this situation with a close friend too and I sent her a handwritten letter. I also told her how much I appreciate her friendship. A few days later she sent me such a lovely letter back saying yes it's hard when friends announce their pregnancy but she appreciated me doing it in a sensitive way and that she looked forward to meeting my baby and being an "auntie". I know letters are a bit old school but at least it shows you gave time and thought to their feelings.

AgentJohnson · 30/10/2019 05:43

There’s no best time or easier time to tell her. Tell her face to face and if she needs space, let her have it.

You can’t keep tiptoeing around forever. Hopefully she will find a way forward from her disappointments.

Loopytiles · 30/10/2019 05:58

A simple text would be best.

Her fertility and MG problems doesn’t necessitate you doing anything other than sharing your news simply.

Involving her H or a family member would be disrespectful towards your friend and unfair to him.

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