Telling my BFF who can't have kids I'm pregnant

[DontCallMeDaisy]

She's been my best friend for 25 years. I had my DD, just before she got married and before she and her DH started trying.

She's had a horrendous time with miscarriages and IVF. She's at the end of her last cycle. One last try that keeps getting delayed for different reasons and her mental health is shot.

Her mental health has suffered, such a lot. I've seen her when shes been devastated when friends have fallen pregnant, I've spoken to mutual friends and shielded her on nights out and the conversation gets too 'babyfied'. I've even gone as far as making sure DD isn't about when she's particularly fragile - I know all to well how much it all effects her.

So I know its going to be really horrible for her when I tell her I'm pregnant. I had two miscarriages last year, I only told her about one of them after the event. TBH, we weren't ttc at the moment but are still thrilled. Its further along and I'm feeling positive.

I just can't think of how to even begin to tell her. It's the worst possible time for her. I know I'm going to lose her. The thought of hurting her really upsets me. I feel bad keeping it from her. The last couple of weeks I've been talking to her about the latest developments with her treatment, all the while knowing.

In recebt years, friends have invited her over, invited her to tea or asked to call round to break the news. Each time, she's said she's happy for them and then afterwards called me to cry and rant. So I know none of these are a good way to do it
Please help me figure out the best way to tell her.

I think you're over dramatising this. Send a thoughtful text message.

Good luck. Having had a few issues I'd have appreciated the caring thought of a pre-text when DH was around too just to get it all out, perhaps even at the weekend so he was around for a few days and could perhaps have time together rather than her being off sick at home if he's at work
Good luck and congratulations to you!

It is natural to think that after having one child another one will arrive at a later date so she will probably be expecting the news, especially after your miscarriage. Obviously, expecting the news doesn't make it any easier!

I am not sure which scenario is best.

We can't have any more children. I have taken the news on the phone and in person (both were really hard because I had to give a positive response straight away). I don't think a letter is a good idea, just builds up the tension for her whilst reading it.

In all honesty I don't think there was/is a best way of telling me, it hurt all the time. Especially when my friend got to her fourth child!

But I am the person who is encouraging my DH to keep his sperm in the freezer for another year (6 so far) despite knowing that even if we had the money we could never use it because they were poor quality when fresh so I am probably not the best person to advise

You know your friend the best so do what you think is right way for her.

OP

I am in your friend's position today, right now. Last IVF attempt will commence upon the beginning of my next period.

You sound like a thoughtful and loving friend. If I were in your shoes I would agonize over it too - it must be really shit to feel like one of the happiest moments of your life may break your friend's heart.

FYI, I am in the U.S. and our cultures may be much different.

I 100% disagree with contacting DH or DM as I find that to be an extreme boundary transgression. My DH is really struggling with the idea that this path is almost over and is very emotional about his feelings of loss but none of our closest friends or family are aware of his personal struggle. To the outside world he appears to be at peace with it as he is about all losses and pain he's experienced but he isn't ok with this. He only shares this pain with me - it is a brutal and private pain for him. Don't assume contacting your friend's DH is benign as asking him to hold onto it even for a moment may damage the private support they give each other and may feel like a betrayal you perpetrated against your friends as a couple or against her specifically. Logically betrayal is galaxies away from your intent but emotions are funny things and sometimes logic gives you the finger.

The mom approach is really fucking weird IMO - I guess for some it makes sense (just like DH approach).

I'd severely dislike receiving a text with the news. Texts are cold, disconnected, and open to misinterpretation. Texts aren't for big news IMO, they are for quick bursts of communication. A text alerting her to an email may be less harsh and allow her to read the short email (no pity just news and appropriate empathy) at her leisure instead of dropping it on her because you decide it is a good time based on assumptions about her state of mind at the time.

I guess I'm kind of an odd ball though as I would prefer a face-to-face where I could say "fuck you and your functional reproductive ability!" with tears in my eyes, a smile on my face, and a mix of joy and pain in my heart (done that more than once). It is raw but it is honest - and has allowed those friendships to continue and flourish. I don't drop friends for successfully conceiving and don't get the drive to do so (seems so counter-intuitive and isolating).

On the other hand, you know your friend and I don't know her at all. I am saddened by my predicament but am not broken by it so she and I may be worlds apart.

Congratulations on your news! Be the best friend you can be whilst being optimistic that she will be happy for you and sad at the same time. Don't condemn your friendship by assuming she can't handle your news, give her more credit than that and hope she is capable.

I preferred a text after miscarrying and finding ttc difficult. It gave me time to cry and rant and not have to fake. I could then congratulate sincerely later.

I did not appreciate the f2f coffee and cake with a friend, i had to fake it and resented it. I also disliked my other friend's method of just sending a guess what ' congratulate us' 12 week scan photo. That hurt and was very unexpected.

The most important thing is to give her space to grieve and process.

With my dc i waited until after 12 weeks but had bad morning sickness and tiredness so my 2 friends undergoing ivf guessed for themselves.