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Original poster

Is he just plain lazy or forgetful?

66 replies

MummytoDD · 28/10/2019 23:24

DP and I have an 8 week old DD, since her birth he hasn't been very forthcoming with support and while I accept he hasn't been around many children I can't figure out if he is just been lazy and afraid my hormones may be getting the better of me.

For instance when I have asked him to get DD changed or to change her nappy when she gets up while I'm tidying the house.. 2 hours pass I notice DD hasn't woken only to be told she did but he didn't change her as she was only up for 15minutes Hmm I think I'm being a tad harsh on this one.

And tonight we were around PILs, DD was in her short sleeved bodysuit and they had the heating on full whack, when it was time to leave I asked dp to get dd dressed and into her car seat. He went and put her in the seat without getting her dressed, so I said to him she can't go out like that, he told me he was going to put blankets on her and shed be fine as we are going straight into the car.. the cold unheated car. I put my foot down and told him to get her dressed while having him strop because surely the blankets will keep DD warm Angry.

I know this isn't a lot to go on but what do you all think.. lazy or forgetful?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/10/2019 23:26

Lazy and rubbish

MollyHuaCha · 28/10/2019 23:28

Lazy and irresponsible. Babies can't look after themselves. They rely on adults 100%. He needs to try harder.

Whatisnormalhere · 28/10/2019 23:33

He sounds lazy.

Screamingontheinside · 28/10/2019 23:34

Lazy - this would boil my blood

IndieTara · 28/10/2019 23:35

A lazy arse who is not a parent

PickAChew · 28/10/2019 23:35

There's something quite disturbing about a parent who lacks the care and empathy to consider the comfort (and safety, for a small baby) of a child in their care.

Innishh · 28/10/2019 23:35

Think he is being a bit passive aggressive? Is he sulking that the baby is getting lots of attention and he is missing out? Has the power balance shifted - does he not like you being in charge or telling him what to do?
Or is he just anxious a bit inept - he might need you to encourage him?

Original poster
MummytoDD · 28/10/2019 23:44

Ok good so it isn't just my hormones.

@innishh, I'm not sure since DD was born it isn't like he has stepped up. He could be sulking that DD gets more attention as the other day he was moaning about having not had a massage in a long time but his whinging and failing to step up don't help. But I also think you're right he doesn't like being told what to do.. certainly found that out tonight. I've tried to encourage but I just get snapped at or blamed for DD crying as babies do.

OP posts:
pinkoneblueone · 28/10/2019 23:52

Do you think he just doesn't realise that babies need an extra layer of clothing and that he is probably scared of hurting the little one while changing her? Being a parent for the first time is scary especially when you haven't been around babies much before. Obviously I don't know all the facts but it may be worth having a chat with him about it all. Man tend not to see things in the same way women do and I know that comes across sexist but have you ever lived with someone who's cleaning standards are rubbish? It's the same sort of thing though with more serious implications, but he might not quite understand that from our perspective.

Interestedwoman · 29/10/2019 00:03

Lazy.

' I've tried to encourage but I just get snapped at or blamed for DD crying as babies do.'

This is wrong, you're not asking anything unreasonable, so you shouldn't be snapped at. And it's not your fault if a newborn baby cries!

MonsterMashedSpud · 29/10/2019 00:06

Lazy.

He’s cutting corners and you can’t do that with a baby.

Innishh · 29/10/2019 00:28

Oh no he’s a nasty little man child isn’t he...

he hasn’t stepped up......sulking, .....moaning, .......whinging......he doesn't like being told what to do.....snapped at .....blamed.....for DD crying as babies do

Wow that’s some behaviours isn’t it?
The nappy and the vest are most definitely deliberate and quite contemptuous - it’s a fuck you - to do it badly or not do it at all so that you stop asking him.

He will soon accuse you of nagging him. Don’t let him frustrate you - he is behaving like a man child - you need to be the adult and calmly call him on it asap and each and every time. Then you need to lay out exactly what needs doing, how and when - so assign him specific tasks - if he fucks you or your child over on this you need v firm words and clear consequences. The aim is a partnership in a calm and peaceful home - he doesn’t get to mess that up.

RLEOM · 29/10/2019 00:46

Maybe he doesn't fully understand nor appreciate how fragile a baby really is. Does he know they can't regulate their own temperature? How easy it is to get a nappy rash?

Is there any way you can get him to watch a program about babies? Something informative?

RLEOM · 29/10/2019 00:52

Just read your other post. Babies add an immense strain on a relationship, especially at the start. It's also more common than you think for one parent envy the attention the other gives to the baby. I'm not saying it's right, and I know how tiring it is on you having a baby and doing most of the work, but do try to keep an open mind and see if you can work through things.

BlankTimes · 29/10/2019 00:55

Does he actually know HOW to look after a baby?

Maybe he just needs it explaining to him, can you ask your HV to have a chat with him and let him know exactly what a baby's needs are and how important it is for both parents to meet those needs as a team.

Some people are quite intuitive, others are plain clueless and need to be told and shown how to do every little task, yet at the same time they also resent their partners telling them they're not doing things properly. That's when instructions from a third party really help.

2 hours pass I notice DD hasn't woken only to be told she did but he didn't change her as she was only up for 15minutes
He probably has no idea how sensitive a baby's skin is and how often they need to be changed. He likely thinks if the nappy doesn't leak or smell it's not necessary. Again, he needs instructions on how to be a decent parent and they are better coming from someone he'll take notice of.

Original poster
MummytoDD · 29/10/2019 07:33

@RLEOM, well that's exactly it he hasn't been around children, I suppose it's why I'm a little more accommodating. We went to additional nct classes to help with this and I did try to get him to watch a programme on babies and their needs and their development.. he fell asleep during it.

@BlankTimes, not sure how much he'll listen to the HV. The last time we saw her she was telling us both about some research that had been done, he completely dismissed it. Only time I have seen him take things on board is when his work colleagues (who are father's) have told him something or given him advice.Even with baby skin sensitivity Ive told him baby skin is a lot thinner than ours.

And then stuff like when he installed her car seat he had it forward facing. I had to tell him it HAS to be rear facing, to be told it's fine she'll be fine.. it was when I said no legally it has to be rear facing that he changed it. With stuff like that I just think this is your baby why wouldn't you read the instructions properly especially if you're unsure surely you'd be trying everything to ensure its done correctly.

OP posts:
billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 29/10/2019 07:56

Even if he had had no contact with children in his life before his own, that doesn't account for taking a little baby out into the cold night in a bodysuit
Maybe ask him if he would have been happy to get out of his cosy bed dressed in a t shirt and underwear, head straight to the car and wrap a blanket around himself. I'm pretty sure he'd say that that was ridiculous

Innishh · 29/10/2019 08:24

Not only is he contemptuous to you and the expert HV (deliberately falling asleep, dismissing research - misogynistic? Only listens to his male pub mates?) he is even prepared to be actively dangerous and put your baby’s life at risk with the car seat. His blatant neglect (cold and nappy issue) was not enough.

Did he want this baby? Is he affectionate with her?
What was he like in your relationship generally before the pregnancy?

He needs to be called out calmly on his behaviour - don’t nag, don’t let it escalate as you will get very emotional over this issue.

holrosea · 29/10/2019 09:50

I am not a parent and don't know much about babies, but his attitude towards information and instruction is very worrying from an outsider perspective...

If you don't know how to care for a baby but then have one, surely you ask people who do know? Surely you seek advice? The HV must seem like a godsend to someone who actively wants to care for their child Hmm

And as for the car seat, YES ABSOLUTELY he should read the instructions! And why does a conversation have to go so far as stating the law rather than just listening to you? With regards to his colleagues, thank God he's listening to someone, but same point: why is he not listening to you? Or the HV? Or the baby program you put on?

PS. He's not had a massage? Poor little lamb, he's not had a massage while you were busy growing, birthing and now caring for a new human? His world must truly be ending.

Original poster
MummytoDD · 29/10/2019 09:51

@Innishh, DD was planned but during pregnancy he did say he could have got to 40 without being a dad, he has just turned 30 btw. As for affectionate with her I mean he'll hold her but in the morning he'll give me a kiss goodbye and not dd, so I'll say what about DD and he'll say that it isn't like she remembers. I'm concerned they won't bond and I've mentioned this to dp, he said it's because I'm bfing but I've explained he can do more than feed her.. change her, bathe her, just talking to her.

As for before pregnancy we have had a few issues in the past with him being selfish and single minded but had overcome these issues. However just before I found out I was pregnant I did ask DP if he considered me a life partner, we aren't married and it was an expression someone else had used to describe their relationship, he said no he just thinks of me as his partner. This left me feeling convenient for him at the moment.. you know like ok you'll do for now.

OP posts:
fireworksandhotdogs · 29/10/2019 09:52

Lazy selfish fucker and one of the reasons I ditched my DCs useless "father" many moons ago. Very doubtful he will change.

Rutheroot · 29/10/2019 10:04

You've just had a baby and he's moaning you haven't given him a massage?! He needs a reality check, big time.

Original poster
MummytoDD · 29/10/2019 10:06

@holrosea I know, it's all so tiring. If I say anything I get snapped at and the eye rolls if I don't DD will be the one to suffer, so I just end up doing it all. The other day we went shopping, forgot the adapters to fit the car seat to the pram, oh gosh all hell broke lose fuck this fuck that. I even apologised then remembered I had got myself and DD ready with no help from him, it was neither one of our faults for forgetting the adapters but really when he is prancing around all morning doing one thing isn't that hard.. but then he'd say I should have reminded him to do this. Anyway I suggested just putting her car seat in the trolley or going home to get the adapters but I wasn't going to stand for one more minute with him having a paddy but not suggesting a solution. And yes poor him and the lack of massages or head rubs.. I mean I'm very affectionate but shit sometimes just sometimes it is about me.

OP posts:
SpookilyBadOooooooh · 29/10/2019 10:17

he said no he just thinks of me as his partner. This left me feeling convenient for him at the moment.. you know like ok you'll do for now

...and yet you had a ‘planned’ baby with him?

What were you thinking????

Anyway, she’s here now.... you need to think very carefully about what to do. Personally I’d leave him because he doesn’t appear to love you (see above) or care about you (he’s complaining about not having hit a massage for ages, how much has he been pampering you?! Not at all I’d bet) & he doesn’t appear to love DD or to care enough about her to take basic care of her. Or even find out what she needs. If he loved her he woukd want her to be as safe as possible in the car & not bloody frozen. Lots of first time parents are clueless - but they find out what they need to do and if one of them knows what they’re talking about, the other one listens. His behaviour could really put your DD in danger and you’d be daft to leave her in his care and that’s NO way to live.

If he wasn’t fussed about having kids for another decade he bloody well should have said so!

He’s a twat, you & DD will be far better off without him.

Innishh · 29/10/2019 10:28

.....if I don't DD will be the one to suffer, so I just end up doing it all.

Wow your precious little 8 week old baby deserves way more than this.
He is a resentful angry neglectful abusive man who is treating you little baby with contempt - he doesn’t want to love her.

He didn’t want a baby at 30, he doesn’t see you as the love of his life - he is not building a positive parenting partnership with you - is is passively aggressively pulling it apart.

Your DD will be absorbing his seething anger, she will be confused and anxious. She will also absorb your tensions, frustrations and preoccupation with him.

She needs at least you to be emotionally present for her as she is shortchanged emotionally already as her Dad has certainly decided not to be there for her emotional basic care needs.

He is not even supporting you - did he offer YOU a massage.

You need to calmly call him on this ASAP and if he is unwilling or unable to reflect, change and grow into a supportive parent and partner - then you really need to consider how having this petty, angry little man will emotionally injury your baby and you.

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