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Original poster

Is he just plain lazy or forgetful?

66 replies

MummytoDD · 28/10/2019 23:24

DP and I have an 8 week old DD, since her birth he hasn't been very forthcoming with support and while I accept he hasn't been around many children I can't figure out if he is just been lazy and afraid my hormones may be getting the better of me.

For instance when I have asked him to get DD changed or to change her nappy when she gets up while I'm tidying the house.. 2 hours pass I notice DD hasn't woken only to be told she did but he didn't change her as she was only up for 15minutes Hmm I think I'm being a tad harsh on this one.

And tonight we were around PILs, DD was in her short sleeved bodysuit and they had the heating on full whack, when it was time to leave I asked dp to get dd dressed and into her car seat. He went and put her in the seat without getting her dressed, so I said to him she can't go out like that, he told me he was going to put blankets on her and shed be fine as we are going straight into the car.. the cold unheated car. I put my foot down and told him to get her dressed while having him strop because surely the blankets will keep DD warm Angry.

I know this isn't a lot to go on but what do you all think.. lazy or forgetful?

OP posts:
Original poster
MummytoDD · 29/10/2019 10:30

@spookily, he said this just before I found out I was pregnant as in I already was but wasn't yet aware. Before that apart from the issues we experienced in the past we were very stable. It did leave me feeling very uneasy though, so much so that I wanted to leave him then but then found out I was pregnant and thought it was just the hormones.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummytoDD · 29/10/2019 10:35

Also when DD was 6 weeks we were at pils house introducing her to his extended family.. he walking in and just put her car seat on the floor and didn't bother taking her out and introducing her. She was awake for the record. Then bil and sil were having a conversation about how her friend is separated from her DC's dad and he only pays x amount in maintenance dp turned around and said that's what he should do to me and DD but played it off as a joke, everyone else laughed everyone but me.

OP posts:
Innishh · 29/10/2019 10:39

Does he generally behave in this ridiculous angry tantruming way that you described with the car seat?
People like him choose to lose their temper to control their partner. I bet you tap dance around him 24/7 so as not to annoy him - so he is in control 24/7. I bet he doesn’t behave so aggressively and is able to control his anger with his mates and work colleagues.

I would be plotting your way out of this one. Every emotion pre-empting his needs is a waste of your finite emotional energy and head space that you could be giving to your precious new born. She only has you.

Innishh · 29/10/2019 10:42

Another classic bullying tactic - insults and abuse dressed up as a joke.

Your partner should be nothing other than kind, polite, respectful and encouraging - that’s what love is.....that’s what “good enough” is.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 10:49

dp turned around and said that's what he should do to me and DD but played it off as a joke

Oh shit. That's awful.

I really think you need to look at your options for being a single parent. Seriously.

It doesn't sound as if he even likes your DD. Or you. What an insensitive, useless bastard.

Yes, you'll end up doing it all. If you ask him to do something, he doesn't bother. If you remind him, you'll be accused of 'nagging'. You cannot win with someone like this.

Really sorry you've ended up with this twat.

Take your baby and leave.

blackcat86 · 29/10/2019 10:56

Do what you need to in order to keep baby safe and well despite this idiot. You'll detach and do it on your own and DD wont bond with him. Are you financially independent? If so what is the point of this man?

holrosea · 29/10/2019 11:12

I was reading PP responses and thinking "flipping heck, OP might not need to jump to leaving him straight away" but Christ, he does not seem to be a brilliant partner to you and my heart goes out to you for a couple of the things you have said.

  1. You are right to be concerned about bonding and his dismissal of this is worrying.

  2. "he just thinks of me as his partner" - what a totally dickish thing to say to any partner. If you don't at least have hopes of a long term, fulfilling relationship why is he even there? I really felt bad for you because this sort of response would hurt me.

  3. Snapping and eye rolls (especially when he has done NOTHING USEFULp to get you out of the house is just not helpful, not supportive, not grown up and you really would be better off without this negativity.

  4. Not introducing her to family suggests disinterest and being a crap dad (reinforced by no desire to bond).

  5. The comment about leaving you and just paying maintenance... another heartbreak moment (and I can't imagine how much worse it is when you're hormonal, BF and vulnerable dealing with a life change) left me speechless.

I can't speak for the logistics of leaving him, but emotioanlly it seems like the best optionfor your own self esteem and confidence as a parent. Think how much energy you'd be saving just by not having to deal with his little comments, his snappy behaviour, his blaming and eye rolls and general uselessness...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 11:21

Think how much energy you'd be saving just by not having to deal with his little comments, his snappy behaviour, his blaming and eye rolls and general uselessness...

That's really good advice.

It's hard enough looking after a newborn without someone sucking all the fun and joy out of everything.

This man is a fun sponge!

OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 29/10/2019 11:22

God the shouting about the adapters rings a bell for me. I was struggling with my dd, I had pnd (undiagnosed at the time), and I was sleep deprived and wished I was dead. I forgot to put the adapters in the car and my dh did exactly the same thing and stomped around the shop holding her. It was awful.

Was he like this before in any way?

I ask, because my dh also had depression and anxiety after dd was born. Except he didn't say a word because I was suffering so bad. He also didn't DO anything. Would stay at work late, come home and say hello while walking past us, and go straight out to the shed, buy his own dinners, didn't really help overnight after he went back to work (even when I sat on the edge of the bed sobbing and saying I hate my life, I wish I was dead) and basically avoid all contact with us because he couldn't cope with how badly I was suffering and the pressure and anxiety about having a new baby. He was frightened he had lost me. He was terrified of how much I cried. Instead of taking some of the load he ran away. He is utterly ashamed of his behaviour now. He wishes he had done things differently. It is a big regret for him.

Could this be a possibility for your DP?

aweedropofsancerre · 29/10/2019 11:26

Hmm I was around babies growing up but that didn’t make me an expert on looking after one. There are a lot of woman who manage to get on with parenting too without having had any clue either but there not arseholes and learn. Sounds like your ass is jealous of his own DC and is showing a complete lack of care for her

holrosea · 29/10/2019 12:25

@Innishh has made a really important point: I bet he doesn't have tantrums with his mates or his boss or around his family. And I bet you do walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off. This is just mentally exhausting and no way to live.

Another PP mentioned insults and abuse dressed up as jokes; this hit the nail on the head for his "I should leave you and just pay maintenance" barb. That was a cruel, dismissive and insulting thing to say, and had you had any public reaction, you would have been "too sensitive, hysterical, lacking a sense of humour, etc.".

Someone else mentioned that he doesn't do as you ask, but if you ask again you are a nag. Again, mentally exhausting (and then physically exhausting because you do everything) and probably back to mentally exhausting because at some point he will accuse of being a control freak, not trusting him to deal with DD, or some such.

You have mentioned issues around him being selfish and single-minded that you have "previously dealt with", but now I'm getting foreboding feelings about him having just been a twat while you covered for him and hoped he'd learn and grow to be different through a good relationship.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy - fun sponge! What a great phrase! And true.

Think about how much you love your DD and what you hope for for her. If he cannot/will not put in the effort, and cannot/will not support you so that you make a great parenting team, then he's really not worth having around.

Original poster
MummytoDD · 29/10/2019 15:42

@Innishh the tantrums he has done before but not to that extent. But yes sometimes in the past I've behaved differently in order to keep him calm and happy.

It is all very exhausting and in just shattered now. DD is amazing but I constantly feel like I'm not doing a good job as I have him critising me for picking her up straight away when she cries, just feel like I'm failing and then with him not helping it's making it worse. I don't feel like he loves DD or I and he is just all about himself. As for him having depression I don't know I've always asked him how he is and to talk to me if he is stressed. Really tried to be there for him but he isn't there at all for me and that hurts.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 30/10/2019 18:56

Get out. Now. He's a useless bastard

Zofloramummy · 30/10/2019 19:07

Shes a bf 8 week old baby, you don’t ignore them crying!! Jesus he sounds totally detached from your dd and very pissed off that he is no longer your top priority.

Original poster
MummytoDD · 30/10/2019 21:32

He tries to tell me DD needs to learn to wait, but we all know at this age they have no idea what wait means and it scares me to leave her with him. As for the breastfeeding, honestly it's like he is angry at me when I feed her especially in public, in public it's worse.

I was discussing this with my mum and she did say she caught dp looking at me and the look it wasn't one of love and left her with a unpleasant feeling.

OP posts:
cacklingmags · 30/10/2019 21:39

What a nasty little sod this man is - totally useless fucking bullying controlling wanker. Passive aggressive all the time - even to his own tiny baby. Detach from this fucker as much as you can - plot to get rid of him unless he shapes up massively. Don't let him tell you not to pick up your crying baby, he is a total cunt for doing that.

Innishh · 30/10/2019 21:50

Oh you poor thing. He is looking at you with contempt. This is toxic and will pollute your home.

Do not leave your precious new born with him - he is being deliberately obtuse and neglectful.

All she needs for the next 3 years is calm, soothing and love. She doesn’t need her Mum’s confidence and focus eroded and distracted - she only has one parent - and that one parent doesn’t need to be compromised and distracted away from her trying to deal with an undermining partner.

You need to give her your best - he will prevent you from doing this. I am so sorry.

She doesn’t need

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/10/2019 22:04

I call bone idle mysogynistic dipshit.

Your lovely daughter may as well have a chimp for a father, more intelligent and more useful than this imbacile for certain.

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/10/2019 22:08

I was discussing this with my mum and she did say she caught dp looking at me and the look it wasn't one of love and left her with a unpleasant feeling

This gave me the heebie-jeebies, please listen to your mum and end it.

MadeForThis · 30/10/2019 22:12

You need to leave. You deserve better and your dd definitely does too.

category12 · 30/10/2019 22:29

The way he wants you to treat the baby is wrong - she's 8 weeks old fgs. He should be supporting you breast-feeding etc.

Whathewhatnow · 30/10/2019 23:33

This is absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry. He is a grade A waste of space politely

Your mum has the measure of him.

They good news for your DD is that if you leave when she is tiny she will know no different.

No point putting up with dipshit to give her a father. He ain't no father. More a presence with a penis, and a void where the moral stuff should be.

NerdyBird · 30/10/2019 23:45

He sounds horrible, please leave him. He's pretty much said he didn't want to be a father and would rather split up. It may have been framed as a joke but I don't think it really was.

Boireannachlaidir · 31/10/2019 10:32

He sounds awful. Lazy not forgetful but also massively disrespectful to you.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I hope you have other supportive people in your life.

Original poster
MummytoDD · 31/10/2019 10:58

I spoke with him about this last night and told him he needs to help more. He said he was joking about the maintenance and understands it's a bad joke, when it comes to me doing everything for DD and tidying it's because I seem to be coping fine and he thought I wanted control over it all. Still thinks DD would have been fine in a bodysuit in the cold and that he doesn't critise me for picking up DD when she is crying it is when she isn't. Also that I know that he loves us both.. his words exactly 'you know I love both of you, you know that'.

Then he wakes up this morning and leaves without emptying the bins even though he said he would do it last night. I've messaged him and got back 'i woke up late and been busy at work all week so couldn't do it'

OP posts:
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