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Original poster

Is he just plain lazy or forgetful?

66 replies

MummytoDD · 28/10/2019 23:24

DP and I have an 8 week old DD, since her birth he hasn't been very forthcoming with support and while I accept he hasn't been around many children I can't figure out if he is just been lazy and afraid my hormones may be getting the better of me.

For instance when I have asked him to get DD changed or to change her nappy when she gets up while I'm tidying the house.. 2 hours pass I notice DD hasn't woken only to be told she did but he didn't change her as she was only up for 15minutes I think I'm being a tad harsh on this one.

And tonight we were around PILs, DD was in her short sleeved bodysuit and they had the heating on full whack, when it was time to leave I asked dp to get dd dressed and into her car seat. He went and put her in the seat without getting her dressed, so I said to him she can't go out like that, he told me he was going to put blankets on her and shed be fine as we are going straight into the car.. the cold unheated car. I put my foot down and told him to get her dressed while having him strop because surely the blankets will keep DD warm .

I know this isn't a lot to go on but what do you all think.. lazy or forgetful?

OP posts:

ZestyMaximus · 31/10/2019 12:01

Him telling you that you know he loves you is NOT the same as him telling you that he loves you.

Even if he can at some point bring himself to tell you that he loves you (rather than reminding you that you already know it, so he doesn't actually have to say it) actions speak louder than words. Words that he can't even bring himself to say to you directly. Actions that he repeatedly makes to demonstrate his lack of love.

Innishh · 31/10/2019 13:19

Him telling you that you know he loves you is NOT the same as him telling you that he loves you.

And not the same as SHOWING you that he loves you both.

His actions this morning were a b deliberate and contemptuous “fuck you” for you daring to call him on it.

It was a deliberate passive aggressive act - look that up.

Your DD needs you to set him free - he doesn’t want to be here.

Boireannachlaidir · 31/10/2019 13:31

Then he wakes up this morning and leaves without emptying the bins even though he said he would do it last night. I've messaged him and got back 'i woke up late and been busy at work all week so couldn't do it'

What a crock of shit, in the time it takes for him to text backchat he could do the task. You've got a DD to care about so don't waste your time/energy on exchanges like this with him.

He doesn't give a shit about the bins or doing his bit. He's a lazy fucker and a disinterested parent and I think you'd both be better off without him there.

I think the cold hearted irresponsible attitude to dressing DD for the right weather is appalling and neglectful too.

holrosea · 31/10/2019 15:40

Your updates are not making him look any better.

When it comes to me doing everything for DD and tidying it's because I seem to be coping fine and he thought I wanted control over it all - This is just BS for "I couldn't be arsed and knew you'd do it all anyway". A decent partner would ask if you wanted/needed help, learn how to do things for DD, or at least do housework (bins?!) while you sort her out.

Also, so what if you pick her up when she's not crying? She's an 8 week old baby.

I also got chills when you said that your mum noticed him looking at you and it wasn't a loving look. Great to hear that your mum is around and she sees all is not well, can you ask her for support to leave him?

Original poster

MummytoDD · 31/10/2019 16:12

@holrosea, oh don't get me wrong I did look back and think none of this is right at the time I was too tired to fully process it all. It doesn't take much to wake up two minutes early to empty bins, it isn't the first time since having DD that he has promised to do house work and then not done it. And even though I ask him to do housework I would think a decent partner would look and say ok dw has looked after baby, done the majority of nappy changes, cooked and is now cleaning you know what let me do that for her so she can have a cuppa and put her feet up. But he sits and plays the Xbox or watches TV and says he thought I wanted to do it what when I've been on my feet all day and asking for a hand.

And yes it was interesting speaking to my mum about it, she said she just doesn't feel like he loves me like he should that it all has to be about him and his wants. The fact that he dished up his own food and started eating while I was holding dd and it was my dsis that asked if I wanted her to hold DD just so I could get my food said a lot. But in answer to your question she'd definitely support me as would my sisters, think I'm going to get a move on with an exit plan.

OP posts:

ZestyMaximus · 31/10/2019 17:02

think I'm going to get a move on with an exit plan.

This and the fact that your mum and sister will support you when you leave are the only parts of any of your posts I've been glad to read.

Keep posting here if it helps you as you will get so much support on MN as well.

Innishh · 31/10/2019 17:45

You will give your DD a v precious gift if you get rid of this foul man so that she has you and your happy focused love 100% to nurture and grow not drained, exhausted, undermined and frustrated by this passive aggressive man. Think of all of the free time you will have not having to wash his pants, and scrub his skids from the toilet.

Original poster

MummytoDD · 31/10/2019 18:57

@Innishh how did you know about this skids 🤢🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/10/2019 19:04

think I'm going to get a move on with an exit plan

I'm so relieved you have written that. He is treating you with contempt and his actions this morning (or lack of them) speak loads more than his empty words last night.

Keep talking to your Mum and Sisters. They will help you through this. (and so will we if you want to keep posting).

You and DD really do deserve much better; imagine not having him criticising you all the time, not having to put him first all the time, just you and DD and freedom and space to relax and enjoy her. And no more skids! Bleugh!

Really wish you all the best with your exit plans.

Innishh · 31/10/2019 19:19

Because for these types the skids are deliberate and contemptuous as well - a passive aggressive way of putting you in your place.

Original poster

MummytoDD · 31/10/2019 20:03

And yet after I had a Stern word with him and he done it again saying he forgot I now realise most likely didnt forget at all

OP posts:

quincejamplease · 31/10/2019 20:14

How sad. But good you feel able to start an exit plan.

You might find this helpful: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

That course could have been written about him.

BadgertheBodger · 01/11/2019 00:02

Be careful. I’ve got a nasty feeling from your posts, he sounds like an appalling fucker. Just, be safe. The most important thing is you and your precious baby girl get out safely. This is prime time for him to turn even nastier than he already is. I hope you’re able to get that exit plan together soon - do not hesitate to call parents/police, any time of day or night if you feel threatened in any way. Take care

Countryescape · 01/11/2019 07:47

Ugh there’s nothing more unattractive than a man who competes for attention with his child. It’s sad and pathetic. Tell him to man up, be a parent or leave.

Innishh · 01/11/2019 09:16

This is an interesting list of misogynistic traits - they don’t have to have all 12 to qualify...... if any of it rings a bell I would seriously ask why you would raise your DD in such a household where she will see, hear and internalise the dismissal and subtle degradation of her own DM and her own self worth in this world will be crushed.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-mysteries-love/201502/12-ways-spot-misogynist%3Famp

holrosea · 04/11/2019 11:18

I am so happy to read that you are considering an exit plan, OP. As @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy said, imagine "just you and DD and freedom and space to relax and enjoy her."

He sounds terrible and selfish and lazy (and scary in that comment about him not looking at your with love). But even if he's not outright appalling, he's still a crap partner and father.

Keep that positive thought in mind; you're already doing everything anyway but without him, you'll have so much more head space and mental energy for you and DD.

No tantrums, no eye rolls, no ignoring your well-founded advice or snide comments. No cooking, cleaning, feeding, changing nappies while he sits wth his feet up. And you can pick up, cuddle, and make a fuss of DD as mucha s you like without a whining man-child criticising or getting troppy because he's not N° 1. You will be far better off without and you can post here for support and advice whenever you need it.

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