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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sulking because I didn’t reciprocate oral sex

63 replies

NoFun21 · 28/10/2019 22:47

Please don’t flame me as this is a complex situation but...

I stupidly have been to bed a couple of times with my stbxh who I have petitioned but who has not responded to petition. I see him weekly when he visits kids which for reasons I don’t go into now is at my home. He can be very clear in his body language, comments , eye contact that he is attracted to me. I find this v difficult as I have never found it easy to say no and not be flattered because of low self esteem. Last occasion I ended up asking him to leave as I was too angry with him to have sex after he refused to admit to being an asshole at time’s during our marriage . He never accepts blame. This time we did end up in bed and after giving me oral sex he moved himself so I would be in a position to reciprocate. WhenI said I didn’t want to just because I felt like I had to he began getting dressed again telling me he felt rejected and like I was saying I didn’t trust him, that he might have a disease and was disgusting. He said that he thought I’d enjoyed it in the past and was that a lie? ( well yes I never really enjoyed it I was just in love with him and now I am distrustful of him- he didn’t cheat but was emotionally cruel to me). Anyway I just felt really confused after this experience- manipulated but also wondering if I was had been being intentionally cruel I’m withholding oral sex?

OP posts:

Happityhap · 28/10/2019 22:50

He's totally messing with your head.
You shouldn't have sex with him at all.

StanleySteamer · 28/10/2019 22:52

Your first line sums up the whole situation. Stop going to bed with him. you are divorcing him for Chrissake! Then the oral-or-not situation will not arise.

Livedandlearned · 28/10/2019 22:53

He sounds narcissistic. Don't go to bed with him, it makes things too complicated.

Singlenotsingle · 28/10/2019 22:53

This is a stbxh??? Why are you having any sort of sex with him anyway? You don't have to, you know!

Original poster

NoFun21 · 28/10/2019 22:57

I am because:

I see give empty my life shd that if my children is just the three of us and I see how they light up why. Thru have his attention.

For various reasons I gave to see him each week shd it’s much easier if he’s nice to me he’s only nice yo me really if I don’t reject him.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 28/10/2019 22:59

Please stop doing this it’s awful

Singlenotsingle · 28/10/2019 23:01

What?

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 23:03

Stop degrading yourself for this loser.

Interestedwoman · 28/10/2019 23:09

'For various reasons I gave to see him each week shd it’s much easier if he’s nice to me he’s only nice yo me really if I don’t reject him.'

That's really manipulative of him. Could you have someone else there when he comes round? That way he probably wouldn't be as nasty to you. Or the visits could be in a public place?

Butterisbest · 28/10/2019 23:12

Oh dear, it's not really complicated, he's an abusive man and he's playing you. As a pp said he's messing with your head. He's doing that because he can.

You can't change his behaviour, you can only change your reaction to him.
Please try and detach from him, I know that it's easier said than done though.

Wolfiefan · 28/10/2019 23:14

He doesn’t have to see the kids in your home. And you sure as shit don’t need to go to bed with him.

Knightinslightlytarnished · 28/10/2019 23:15

Sleeping with a man in the hope it will change his feelings towards you is pointless. It doesn't work. it also makes you feel like shit because when you sleep with a man you are naked, vulnerable and intimate. that intimacy not being reciprocated makes you feel shitty coz you wonder why you arent good enough. thats not the point - the why is hes an arsehole and not interested. but the wondernig why and hoping will do your head in.. stop fucking him.

RhinoskinhaveI · 28/10/2019 23:40

You must strengthen your boundaries this is very bad for you, very harmful

Original poster

NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 07:06

I still see him in my home because my children are young and one has autism and cannot cope with us being separated , literally cannot process it, and the other is under 2 and breastfed. My STBX lives in a tiny flat on the other side of the city, has no car, etc etc. I am trying to protect my children. They love him . I am also very confused because he has never been abusive in a “ big “ way and also could be very lovely and charming and funny and kind. I am desperately lonely just me and my kids and I have no friends and family rally so it’s a tiny world I can give them and I feel that I am offering them so little. I need him to be kind to me because my life is hard at the moment. I have to see him every week and I would rather he was kind to me. I know how it all sounds but please try to understand why I’m vulnerable in this way.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 07:13

There is also no way i will ever meet anyone rose as I’m mid 40s my son has autism and is very possessive of me in a way and I never get any time away - not that I find most men appealing anymore quite the opposite.

OP posts:

57Varieties · 29/10/2019 07:15

For the love of god, stop screwing him.

NurseButtercup · 29/10/2019 07:24

I am desperately lonely just me and my kids and I have no friends

I completely understand this, but splitting from your ex has created a great opportunity for you to try and start your new life and make some new friends. When your stbxh comes to visit go out - start off by going out for a coffee, glass of wine at the pub or cinema by yourself. Have a look for a local meetup group that you could join and attend their events.

Stop sleeping with your stbxh - he's your ex for a reason.

Original poster

NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 07:52

Thanks but if I go out when he’s here I get a couple of hours around lunchtime and there’s not that much I can do with that - it’s such precious time - not enough to build a new life in but little enough that I have to use it really discerningly so I can’t use it to meet people I don’t know- who might be late etc etc. I don’t mean to sound Like I’m not trying but when I’m with my children I can’t even think straight so any time away from them is so precious. .

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 29/10/2019 07:58

.....you need the freedom programme and I understand your child has autism but you need to establish a routine now so you can go out etc my friends daughter has autism she rules the house because she wont let anyone leave unless it benefits her you can go shopping for food but not allowed to go out with friends unless she is busy and doesnt know she is 24

And your childs father needs to be able to cope with the meltdown or you will never get rest

Original poster

NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 07:59

Also I have only slept with him once as the second time I was so angry I ended up asking him to leave and last time he left because I didn’t want to give him oral sex. 🙄

OP posts:

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 29/10/2019 08:04

I think you need to start with being honest with yourself
Do you want this man in your life?
if the answer is yes then either carry on as you are or stop the divorce and get back together again
if the answer is no then you WILL find a way for him to maintain contact with the children without contact with you. It may well turn out that if you were to get someone to sit in the home for a couple of hours while you go out, he could show that he actually has little interest in the children and just wants a shag. Also if he is there to see the children where are they when you and he have sex?
I don't want this to be harsh but I think it's actually just down to you now, people have given good suggestions here. Another could be that he turns up and you both take the children out to play, once you've finished he can return to his home

Original poster

NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 08:05

I’m scared of anything happening to rock my sibs mental health further. I don’t really have good mental health I’ve always been in a pretty dark place much of the time. My son is so vulnerable because he’s very anxious and intelligent but not in a functional way he’s very verbal but hard to understand because of echolalia etc, He’s very vulnerable to people doing the wrong things with him. I feel very bad for breaking up his world. I asked my husband to leave after being called a bitch and worse too
Many times. I then sold my home and moved kids to other side of the city to get my son in a special school. So I feel very responsible.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 08:06

The children have gone to bed.

OP posts:

category12 · 29/10/2019 08:17

Hi OP, it sounds like you really need some support.

Are you eligible for any help with your son from the state? (I know services have been cut, and you may have already pursued this, but have to ask). Are you in touch with any autism charities/groups in your area? Is there anything you can tap into that you haven't so far?

It also sounds like you're very low mood and in a bad place, and if you're not already, please go and see your GP and get support for yourself.

Your ex isn't the answer, but you know that.

Fairylea · 29/10/2019 08:21

Op I have a son with severe autism who attends complex needs school so I know how difficult things can be but you can’t carry on like this. Is your son at school? Do you get dla / carers allowance / short breaks financial provision via your local council? If not apply for these and also ask your local council for a carers assessment. This will be a gateway to getting more help. Even the most disabled children can have respite care that will provide you with a chance to rebuild your life.

Stop letting your ex fuck with your head.

You’re mid 40s, not dead, you’ve got a lot of life ahead of you.

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